Bel's thoughts
Thank you very much John, it is great feedback.
So, if I understand correctly, the idea is that, since they are in fact being "rude" by not keeping me updated, I should lower my warmth and avoid submissiveness. The communication should be polite but almost a bit of an "annoyed tone".
Your post also allows me to understand why I generally tried to keep communications to a minimum. I felt there was something I used to do and write that was damaging me, but could not understand what it was.
Alright, I forgot this one:
It's all about self-interest and effectiveness.
In your situation, I think you're still wondering about what other people think. Who cares? What do you want?
It's about reaching your goals. You want their business so you do what is necessary to get it. Plain and simple.
I don't think they're rude. I don't even care. I would not used "annoyed tone". Why get annoy? (really) I personally see no reasons.
An "aha" moment is coming for you I'm sure. It's getting closer and closer. That is my intuition.
Agree with John that it was too low power and chase-y to say you're available for them.
And I'd also make the waiting time shorter.
Reaching out may be lower power in general, since someone who's very busy may never reach out and only deal with those who chase him -which saves his time and only allow him to work with those who really want him, which is better in all possible ways-.
However, as John says, it's better for you to ping people as you'll probably get more work that way.
So yeah, go for it.
Thank you for this Lucio.
So in not chasing anyone who “disappeared” I was in fact doing something right.
I’ll think about it more, I’m considering keeping it that way.
Yes based on Lucio’s feedback you were doing it right in terms of power dynamics (social power). However I think it is too early still as you display power and on the other hand you still need the clients. So it’s the right attitude for a later stage I think.
That means you’re not high power enough to pull it off. It’s ok as this is coming in your future anyway with your attitude. It’s about “becoming” anyway so it’s about persevering and adopting reality-based actions.
And then at some point your problem will be to deal with too many clients.
Yeah, exactly, this might be a good example that while "high power" is generally more effective, there's a lot of exceptions (as for any high-level "law").
In this case, you may "lose some power", but if your objective is more customers and bigger bottom line, then it's still a superior approach.
Also, it might be a case of "being lower power for a while", but reaching a higher power future position much more quickly.
Thank you guys!
This conversation was invaluable.
And here is the big “aha moment” John was talking about, which I just had!:
your feedback allows me to understand that the closing phrase “I remain available” (which I basically place at the end of every email I send) may be the thing I’m doing that subcommunicates low-power and submissiveness, and the reason why clients actually “disappear”.
It’s as if they read it and think
“oh, he’s available, he’s always there, I don’t need to update him, after all he’s waiting diligently to be reengaged at my will”
This could be a key mistake I have been making for years.
So I think the problem may be solved by removing this
I remain available for any clarification
from my emails. And I’ll do so immediately.
I have a feeling the dynamics I fell in by using this phrase are similar to those one enters by putting “thank you in advance” at the end of every email. I learned from you in this forum that it is better to engage in a normal conversation:
- first “ask”,
- then “receive response”,
- then say “thank you”.
By placing “I remain available” at the end of emails, I am discouraging updates and responses by clients. The correct sequence here instead would be:
- “send work”,
- then “receive response”,
- then “follow up” on the basis of the response.
Basically allowing the conversation to breathe
Boom! That is exactly it.
I get it, you want to communicate: "I'm at your service", which is right and noble. But people appreciate more the service of people who they see as more powerful than them.
I tried to thank parents and patients for their trust, it does not work. It works but only in the rare 1% of select cases. Most of the times, things go better when I'm the authority and they thank me. Of course I put myself on an equal foot with them. So it's about power-awareness and self-esteem. Don't sell yourself short. 🙂
The example is that if they see you as "below them" they won't appreciate it as much.
Edit: we are also biologically wire to value what is scarce.
Quote from John Freeman on July 17, 2022, 1:04 pmBoom! That is exactly it.
I get it, you want to communicate: "I'm at your service", which is right and noble. But people appreciate more the service of people who they see as more powerful than them.
I tried to thank parents and patients for their trust, it does not work.
Exactly! I also used to thank clients for the trust, and had started removing this.
I actually wrote to my biggest client “thank you for your continued preference”, which makes me cringe now!
A priceless lesson, I’ll do it right from now on!
Each time I learn something, I get stronger.
The next part of my life is going to go much differently than the former.
I feel sorry for the bullies and abusive people I will meet from now on.