Bel's thoughts

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 11, 2022, 10:34 pm

Quote from Bel on July 11, 2022, 8:49 pm

I now think it was related to me announcing the day before that I would be leaving at end of internship contract.

It most certainly was!

That vulnerable answer is golden, but in this specific case, I'd have personally gone higher power, which better enforces boundaries of basic respect.

Something like:

You: do I owe that type of kindness to the fact that I just told you I'm leaving?

Kinda of a one-up joke, but the great side benefits here is the reputational self-defense.
You let everyone know that it's YOU who rejected them, and she's being nasty because THEY are losing you.

Then stick to the frame that she's retaliating and it's not cool.

And when she asked you to stay longer, if you REALLY want to power move:

You: Yeah, if you can't apologize publicly, I'll take one in private

(but of course, that's a huge one with a boss)

In any case, I'd have stayed and talked, you had to clear out the air there.

Quote from Bel on July 12, 2022, 12:43 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 11, 2022, 10:34 pm

Something like:

You: do I owe that type of kindness to the fact that I just told you I'm leaving?

Thank you Lucio, this comeback is awesome!

I think this can be a stock comeback for a variety of situations. Really invaluable!

Edit: I’m thinking it can be adapted to so many situations I’ve encountered. Examples:

Colleague: Hi Bel, I wanted to call you yesterday but I forgot.

Me: Do I owe your sudden forgetfulness to the fact I asked for a normal fee for this work?

Or:

Client: Can I be antisocial like Bel, and stay a bit on my computer, as I need to send an email?

Me: Do I owe your sudden kindness to the fact that I finally asked you to pay me for my work?

Or:

Colleague: (in front of my client) Bel you need to settle this case, otherwise you will lose it!

Me: Do I owe your suggestion to the fact I’m doing a particularly good work here?

Using this technique requires an advance knowledge both of manipulation techniques, and of potential triggers for those in others.

That’s where having interacted with lots of them can be useful!

Quote from John Freeman on July 12, 2022, 10:10 am

Quote from Bel on July 11, 2022, 9:14 pm

Thanks John, it could work in subcommunicating it was abrupt and unexpected, and thus unjustified:

Boss: Bel is great, but has no eagerness to work whatsoever.

Me: I'm surprised and, frankly, a bit shocked to hear that. Why do you say so?

This answer is great.

You: do I owe that type of kindness to the fact that I just told you I'm leaving?

This is a power bomb.

 

Quote from Bel on July 12, 2022, 3:13 pm

I’m seeing that I am now more and more choosing the communication medium I am going to use (email, text, phone call, in person) on the basis of which one of them I think is going to be more effective to communicate with people in specific situations.

I think I am still making mistakes in choice and execution, but it’s better than before, when I used to simply choose the medium that was “easier” for me.

Quote from John Freeman on July 12, 2022, 5:41 pm

Effectiveness of communication medium: check. Next level again!

Quote from Bel on July 13, 2022, 2:33 pm

Deleted

Quote from Bel on July 13, 2022, 5:25 pm

A way to respond to "yellow level" power moves is to subcommunicate both caring for the relationship and not tolerating disrespect, at the same time.

In other words, one can show awareness of the move, not tolerating disrespect and at the same time subcommunicate caring for the other person.

Examples:

Hey, I didn't hear from you even though you told me you would call me yesterday. Everything ok?

X, this is the second time you promised me the work would be done on time, and I didn't hear from you before our deadline. Is everything ok?

Hi, I thought something happened/you changed your mind. [in case of delay/tardiness]

Hi, hope your vacation went well. I remain available to review the draft together. [subcommunicating both caring and not being a slave]

Joining "caring" and "asking for more punctuality/respect" can help power-protect the other person and give less flank to one of the most common objections to this boundary-enforcing, i.e. that of being rude.

Quote from Bel on July 16, 2022, 2:53 pm

One work-related thought about "following up"

I have experienced many times the situation where a client or potential client asks my availability for some work, or if he can send me some documents for my opinion, and then does not follow up. Or some work is ongoing, but I don't receive any further updates.

In these cases, I would simply do nothing so far.

I thought the client simply lost interest or changed idea, and I didn't want to "solicit the work" because I thought it would set up a counterproductive dynamic (after all, the client does not need my invitation or solicitation to decide if he wants to pursue something or (continue to) work with me).

Now, after learning about emotional bids and the need to acknowledge the openings from other people, I'm starting to wonder if my not following up is being interpreted by the client as indifference.

In other words, I think what I did so far (i.e. just dropping it) breaks rapport, independently of whether the client is being rude or not.

One could say the client should be the one to update me after having asked for my availability, but I'm starting to think this is irrelevant from the perspective of the relationship.

If I don't show "interest" in why the client did not follow up, he or she could think that I was uninterested in assisting him or her to begin with, and not only cancel that case, but avoid interacting with me in the future.

So the idea that is starting to form in my mind is to beging following up on (almost) all requests of availability where the client disappears, and on all ongoing work where I don't receive updates from a certain point in time.

The follow-up should probably be done from a perspective of "being interested in the person", not from a perspective of "being desirous of getting the work".

I'm thinking of something like this after 15/30 days from a contact:

Hi Mr. ...,

I hope everything is well; further to our email/phone contact of [date], I am writing to be certain that I didn't miss any email or phone call from you, and that you decided to not pursue this matter further.

I take the opportunity to confirm my availability for any further assistance and to send you my kindest regards.

Or, for cases where work is ongoing but I don't receive any update after 30/60 days:

Hi Mr. ...,

I hope everything is well; further to our email/phone contact of [date], I am writing to ask for an update on the negotiation.

I take the opportunity to confirm my availability for any further assistance and to send you my kindest regards.

BTW, I examined my recent emails and find I already had started unconsciously to follow up more than before. It's funny that much of new behavior seems to pass first through the unconscious and only then into the conscious mind.

Quote from John Freeman on July 16, 2022, 4:16 pm

Hello Bel,

it's a great self-critical analysis. I think you developed a great skill for introspection. Here are my thoughts:

Mindset

I think you can have more confidence in the value you offer other people. That connects also to your own value and self-esteem.

Concrete steps

Personally, I would wait 1-2 weeks. I would make it a process: after 1 (or 2) weeks, I send this email.

To me the tone is a bit too low-power/submissive.

Hi Mr. ...,

I hope everything is well; further to our email/phone contact of [date], I am writing to be certain that I didn't miss any email or phone call from you (frames you as not professional or forgetful or not organised), and that you decided to not pursue this matter further (frames you as not worthy of his business).

I take the opportunity to confirm my availability (you self-frame as lower-power than him) for any further assistance and to send you my kindest regards.

I would change it to this:

Dear Mr. ..., (more formal, culture?)

Thank you for your email/phone of [date]. I am contacting you about the case you wanted me to examine. (or another phrasing maybe, you see the gist of it)

Is there anything I can do to assist you further in this matter?

Looking forward to hear from you,

Kind Regards, (warm but not too warm)

Bel

Or, for cases where work is ongoing but I don't receive any update after 30/60 days:

Dear Mr. ...,

I hope everything is well. (you already have a relationship, so I would keep it). I am contacting you to have some news about our ongoing negotiation.

Could you please send me an update?

Looking forward to hear from you,

Kind Regards,

Bel

Here I would not say I am available as it lowers your power.