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Beyond approval addiction

Rock on, Lucas!

I do think there can be a risk of over-psycho-pathologising everything

Yes, very deep though, I agree.

And also important how you label yourself.
Especially if you're more into the "grey area", than a label of being an "addict" might end up disempowering more than empowering.

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ZenDancer
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Thanks Lucio!

So I had an interesting time last night. I went to a friend’s for a dinner party, which developed into a late night with a bunch of old friends. A lot of booze was drunk and a lot of laughter and dancing ensued. Anyhow, one friend was ‘hogging’ the spotify account and deciding on all the musical choices. Not a big deal in itself, but it was perhaps a little presumptuous and controlling. At one point I go and put on a song I wanted to hear and, immediately our friend says it’s not a good choice. I laughed and said ‘that’s ok, you don’t have to like every song that gets played’. I think the key with a moment like this is the tone and energy with which the message is delivered - I kept it warm and friendly, and said it with a knowing smile so that he got the fact I was gently making fun of him. At that point music hog backtracks, laughs with me, and says ‘ok, what would you like to hear next’… I laughed again and told him, in the same friendly, slightly ribbing tone, that I really didn’t care all that much about what got played… the important thing for me was that it was all carried off without things getting uncomfortable and we all continued to enjoy the night and have fun…

Hi there folks,

Interesting day for me today - it was my first day in a new coworking space where I'm surrounded by only French-speakers. It will be challenging, as I really have to get out of my comfort zone to speak French each day, but I know it will reap dividends both in terms of my language skills and overcoming my 'don't want to look stupid' hang-ups... I didn't push myself to be especially social today. Indeed, social distancing requirements mean I can't exactly go dancing around the place anyway... but I'm determined to get to know people over the coming days and weeks... it's most artists and other creative types, so I'm pretty sure I'll get on with people... I'll keep you all posted on how it goes!

Lucas

.... speaking of dancing around the place, voluntary public silliness is a pretty good way to confront and overcome the deep-rooted 'need' for approval... I was at a dinner party with a few close friends on saturday who are in my 'Covid bubble', and there was a lot of drinking and dancing... now, I dont to traffic in stereotypes, but as I am an Irishman I feel I am allowed to say that Irish people drink a hell of a lot... I quit booze years ago, so while I was enjoying all the silliness with them I wasn't in the same state of inebriation... again, moments like this are, for me, a good opportunity to embrace being silly and to push through those old fears of looking foolish in public... hopefully there'll be another chance soon - it was a lot of fun!

Lucas

Quote from ZenDancer on February 1, 2021, 8:37 pm

I quit booze years ago, so while I was enjoying all the silliness with them I wasn't in the same state of inebriation... again, moments like this are, for me, a good opportunity to embrace being silly and to push through those old fears of looking foolish in public... hopefully there'll be another chance soon - it was a lot of fun!

Yeah, I remember what one guy once told, and he was a heavy drinker:

Sometimes you drink a lot and you don't even feel it. And some other times you have one beer, laugh like crazy, and have a blast. It all depends on the company

I think he was partially right.
It depends on the company... And on you.

Yes, it's undeniable booze has an effect, but it's not strictly needed.

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Howdy folks,

I've been a bit absent from the forum the last little while, thanks to some intense self-exploration work in my ACA program... it's been an interesting few weeks - I feel I've been making a lot of progress in uncovering ingrained thought patterns and tracing them back to childhood trauma issues... it's also thrown into relief for me the way 'recovery' support programs can dovetail with self-development work through resources like this one..

I've also been practicing more in putting myself out there and expanding my social circle...it seems to be working well :)... despite the contiuing lockdown, my social life has been pretty busy lately... it's been hugely helpful to practice exposing myself to uncomfortable self-doubt feelings, and smashing through those same limitations... I know some people would consider self-development frameworks the focus on power o be a bit controversial, but I think that's almost inevitable when you address head-on the realities of power issues in interpersonal human relations... one of the limitations of recovery programs like ACA, in my humble opinion, is that they're very problem focused... if you only spend your time looking at why you have self-doubt and where it comes from, you're inevitably going to stay in the place of self-doubt... 12 step fellowships largely ignore tools like internally reframing in social situations, adopting empowered mentalities etc, which I have found to be by far the most effective...

Lately I've found that reframing my internal dialogue to one of 'gentle dominance' works well for me... it puts me in a place of calm and composure, where I'm not trying to impose my reality on others necessarily, but I'm also firm within myself in sticking to my own position and remaining anchored in my own self-value... it may change in time, but seems to be working well for me right now...

Ive also been putting myself out there more by speaking French more regularly, though the voice of 'you look stupid' stills comes up sometimes... the point though, is to be ok with however others may perceive me, because it's how I see myself that matters...

Moving forward I definitely want to do more 'rejection therapy' type exercises.. I'm sure many of you know this guy... his actual antics are a bit wacky, but the premise is good - 'put yourself in the position of looking foolish deliberately so as to overcome the fear of what others think'... I need to do some thinking on little challenges to pose myself to apply the technique in a way that will work in my life, so that's gonna be a task for me for the coming days...

Anyhooo... glad to be back here with you all.. I missed your posts!

All the best,

Lucas

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selffriend

Hello Lucas, good to see you again, and great to hear you're doing well.

Lately I've found that reframing my internal dialogue to one of 'gentle dominance' works well for me... it puts me in a place of calm and composure, where I'm not trying to impose my reality on others necessarily, but I'm also firm within myself in sticking to my own position and remaining anchored in my own self-value... it may change in time, but seems to be working well for me right now...

I love this one!

It might be even extended from internal dialogue to a general approach with people.
It's so good I'm thinking that it's a perfect, high-level summation of this website's approach.

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Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 2, 2021, 6:46 pm

'gentle dominance' works well for me... it puts me in a place of calm and composure, where I'm not trying to impose my reality on others necessarily, but I'm also firm within myself in sticking to my own position and remaining anchored in my own self-value

Hi Lucio, is this "gentle dominance", being firm about oneself but not trying to impose frame on others, kind of similar to the state of "sigma male", who goes his own way, without trying to explicitly dominate others?

Thanks Lucio I appreciate that! It’s definitely working for me, and I can see progress in my relationships already. There are a lot of nuance and subtle connotations in language, and I guess it's a case of finding what works for us as individuals and what seems to gel with out own psychology... for me, 'gentle dominance' works well 🙂

One thing I’ve noticed the last few weeks is that, as I’m making myself more visible and engaging more proactively with people, more people are reaching out to me and getting in touch of their own accord… That’s satisfying to see, as one of my main goals is to expand my social circle and have a bigger social life - basically just to make life bigger and more fun!

That said, I know I still have plenty of work to do on myself... the old feelings/voices of insecurity are still there, and I feel like I'm just taking the first steps of a big journey...

Another challenge for me in the weeks and months ahead is to make more friends 'randomly', but which I mean talking to strangers, striking up coversations with people I'm not already connected to by any existing social links... I still have shyness around speaking french, though it's starting to get better (both the language skills and the shyness), so that's going to be a regular action point for me over the coming week..

Hope you're all keeping well!

Lucas

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OFF-TOPIC

Selffriend:

No, I don't see the two concepts being interrelated in any way.

"Sigma male" doesn't exist, but if you are referring to a guy who mostly sits outside of groups and hierarchies, then he can be a dick just like any other person can.

And alpha male can be a value-adding leader who doesn't go out of his way to overpower others -as a matter of fact, good leaders don't do that at all-.

OFF-TOPIC

Another challenge for me in the weeks and months ahead is to make more friends 'randomly', but which I mean talking to strangers, striking up coversations with people I'm not already connected to by any existing social links... I still have shyness around speaking french, though it's starting to get better (both the language skills and the shyness), so that's going to be a regular action point for me over the coming week..

Awesome man.

Also, you're not necessarily stuck with the French language.

Soon in the conversation you might drop a casual "my French is just OK, I'm still learning", and if anyone replies in English, you can then go on half and half.

Also notice that "my French is just OK" is better than "my French is bad", which is what everyone says and which feels both too self-demeaning, and almost like begging a judge-compliment -"no, your French is great", and then you're proving yourself to them to show off how good your French is-.

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