Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Breaking the vicious Circle
Quote from rat dodo on March 21, 2021, 3:58 amQuote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 20, 2021, 10:00 pmQuote from Marco Muenchen on February 17, 2021, 10:00 pmCause in my opinion first and foremost these accusations are shit tests.
I personally disagree with that, and I also think it's a very disempowering mindset.
Yes, there are some authors who like to say that "a woman will never stop testing a man".
But that doesn't make it right -or a good mindset to hold-.Remember that shit-tests are the tool of the chooser.
If you're already in a relationship, why are you still with a mindset that she's out to test you -and that you need to prove yourself to her?-.
Take a look at the power dynamics of relationships as they evolve.
During a relationship, the power dynamics should either be in balance, or favoring the man.Many thanks for your detailed comments and selfless contribution for the society. I am not a far-left feminist so just out of curiosity, are there any scientific proof behind your point that "the power dynamics should be in balance or favoring the man"? Or is it just your own value and mindset?
I am not trying to attack your position. In fact, I have similar thoughts after reading your materials. But a lot of people (including my "ex") that I met claim that it is heathier if the male side invests more and the woman takes the leader position. I had a hard time finding hard evidence or statistics to support my position.
Please, do attack my position as much and as often you feel it's justified!
As a matter of fact, I haven't found written anywhere that it's "better" if the male is higher power than the woman.
And I remember reading that relationships, where the woman is in the leadership position, tend to last longer -. Something that makes logical sense and is also borne out of my personal experience, something discussed in Dating Power Dynamics I think-.
However, the man must have some other redeeming qualities for the woman to willingly be in the leadership position and not lose attraction.
So the reason why I recommend the man is higher power and the leader is mainly because of:
- Attraction (women tend to be more attracted to men who are "more" and higher power than they are. Some exceptions apply, of course)
- His own self-esteem
- His status outside of the relationships (no high-power man will respect a man who is lead by his woman. And high-power men tend to be at the top of the hierarchies)
- His personal achievements outside of the relationship (men who are not in leaders in their relationships rarely lead in other realms of life and rarely accomplish great things in life)
There s many elements to a relationship. To me if you make a good team it's hard to tell who s boss. I definitely help my gf with work, work politics and tech. I also have several long term lifestyle goals for us I m working towards. She s a great home maker and better and more proactive in our social life. Depending on which day you watched us you might get a different idea who s on top. To me it's about wanting to please each other and being on team 'Us' against the world. If she breaks ranks publicly there would be some covert communication of my unhappiness and if it happened again, dismissal. You don't want a frenemy as your gf.
BTW most women aren't aware of their own core programming (and so can't transcend it). So rather counterintuitively the best advice on women isn't from women.
Quote from Transitioned on March 21, 2021, 6:14 amThere s many elements to a relationship. To me if you make a good team it's hard to tell who s boss. I definitely help my gf with work, work politics and tech. I also have several long term lifestyle goals for us I m working towards. She s a great home maker and better and more proactive in our social life. Depending on which day you watched us you might get a different idea who s on top. To me it's about wanting to please each other and being on team 'Us' against the world. If she breaks ranks publicly there would be some covert communication of my unhappiness and if it happened again, dismissal. You don't want a frenemy as your gf.
Yeah, this is a really good message.
In many good relationships, partners form "spheres of leadership", where each one takes the lead on certain things they either do better, or care more about. And the other partner is happy to let them take the lead there.
