Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Feedbacks & clarifications
John: Compared to the conflict I had with Ali, I think your feed-back is more balanced and also includes giving value to the forum.
(...)
Yes, exactly like as with Ali.
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That is what happened with Ali.
Thanks John, glad it was helpful.
The effects of "fuzzying" the conversation with different threads is something that struck me better this time as I read the exchange more carefully before replying.
I don't remember the details with Ali, but it's entirely possible I missed it back then, and focused too much on the directness/lack of bridges.
Glad it came out though, that is an important aspect of conversations that some people can purposefully use to gain an upper end -and to be clear, I am pretty sure it wasn't Matthew's case, as that's more like his style, which can be seen in different conversations. It's fine there, but better to avoid when clarifying things-.
John: That is what I'm looking for in life as it makes me feel lonely when I see that there is one more person I have to "take gloves on".
Yeah, I can see what you mean.
I think a good chunk of this is "finding the people you can do it with".
It's usually better to start with the gloves on first, before taking them off.
You can also train people to be more resilient, or hold them to standard. On average, the closer the relationship, and the more your (persuasion) power in that relationship, the more you can do it.
In this forum, we're also all training each other towards those goals of more antifragile ego and detachment.
John: in my job, when someone uses their emotions to change my behaviour, I say that I hear them but I don't change my behaviour. I think that it is manipulative sometimes.
I might understand this wrong, but when I say "validating", that doesn't mean changing behavior.
It just means that you say you understand their point of view, and that it's their reality, and that you respect is as such.
But that doesn't mean you need to change your opinion or your behavior by one inch.
If there are more questions, I'll try to answer them. Otherwise, I call myself out of this specific exchange.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 17, 2021, 4:35 pmJohn: in my job, when someone uses their emotions to change my behaviour, I say that I hear them but I don't change my behaviour. I think that it is manipulative sometimes.
I might understand this wrong, but when I say "validating", that doesn't mean changing behavior.
It just means that you say you understand their point of view, and that it's their reality, and that you respect is as such.
For the sake of clarification, I meant: when somebody tells you that they feel bad because of something you did. Sometimes it is called for an apology and a change of behavior and sometimes it does not.
To clarify further on this point, it is my intention to express how I feel first.
I wanted to repeat myself twice because I felt that I needed to restate my feelings again. It is important.
I am not asking for a change in behaviour. It's the same as when you said "I feel sad" or "I feel disappointed".
Then a discussion on whether anything should be changed can take place later. I will include this in future clarifications to be clear. The short post at the start was my contribution towards the lack of clarity.
I did this when I expressed my discomfort regarding my interaction with Lucio. First, to clarify. Then discuss solutions.
- I’m in charge of my behavior others are in charge of theirs
This is the central belief of assertiveness as described by most communication coaches.
It’s helpful to take the pressure off on your assertive communication: you’re not forcing or impinging on anyone, you’re simply stating your position.
I went through the assertiveness module under Power University again.
Here is a more detailed reflection of what happened, and to clear things up for the future.
In the discussion that happened, I was stating my position and re-stating my position.
This is not to force or impinge any change in behaviour.
This was more of a bid for connection.
I wanted to be heard and validated on some level. (Not completely anti-fragile; but stating this paradoxically makes it more anti-fragile)
- I can be illogical with my decisions
This is regarding the "great job" compliment.
I may be uncomfortable with some compliments like "great job" when it is illogical.
That is simply stating how I feel about the situation.
The logic and actual power dynamics are a separate matter.
And stating how I feel about the situation is also separate from requesting a change in behaviour.
It is about letting the other person know where I stand clearly and directly.
Additionally, I can be thankful for the compliment if I deem it to be a genuine compliment while, at the same time, feeling uncomfortable.
WHY I AM WRITING THIS
This is to pre-emptively state my position and feelings.
For my mental health and to let everyone know where I stand for better communication.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 23, 2021, 3:49 amLEARNING TO HANDLE PHYSICAL THREATS
Sometimes he misses opportunities for using collaborative frames in de-escalation, and I don't think he's Machiavellian enough when it comes to the use of force.
Lucio, I'm not sure what it means by Machiavellianism when it comes to the use of force.
Would it be convenient for me to ask?
Would this mean
- Dirty fighting techniques incorporating the psychology of the assailant
- Using verbal techniques and power dynamics to gain the upper hand in the situation
Hey Matthew,
This thread is more for personal feedback and clarification, rather than the content of the thread.
For the content, feel free to ask and clarify on the thread itself.
P.S.: I'm very careful of this thread, as I see it as a golden goose thread for emotional intelligence, social dynamics, and social and personal effectiveness.
Hey Lucio,
I see what you mean.
I thought that I was clarifying a minor point.
And I did not want the thread to get lost around that.
Let me start a new thread around this point about how to best clarify content.
P.S.: I'm very careful of this thread, as I see it as a golden goose thread for emotional intelligence, social dynamics, and social and personal effectiveness.
One day, this could be compiled into a book.
To anyone who has read my posts, am I venting or writing posts with too much heat?
I understand how this can come across the wrong way.
I think that I would prefer to write out posts when things are fresh in the mind but still a bit emotional.
It may not be the most objective portrayal, but, I can do a comparison of how I think during the heat and after the heat.
Lucio has also advised that this approach may be valuable.
I haven't noticed any venting or heat, Matthew, it's all good as far I've seen.
My apologies for my first message in this thread.
I jumped to some unfounded conclusions about your goals and intentions.
PERSONAL POINT OF VIEW VS WEBSITE
From a personal point of view, I was sorely wrong.
From a website and forum point of view, I think it was the right choice to draw a line in the sand.
The way I see, better to have some false positives, then letting any potential toxic mindsets and solutions creep in (even if sometimes I or someone else might jump too early to the wrong conclusion as that was the case).
MALE OR FEMALE?
Initially you say:
My GF hacked my laptop and phone, and she constantly use my secrets as the fuel of demeaning me.
Which seems to suggest you're male.
And on another thread:
 I am not a far-left feminist so just out of curiosity
Which seems to suggest you're female.
If we're discussing general topics gender might not matter much.
But when discussing relationship (power) dynamics, gender is important. Would you mind clarifying?
