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Feedbacks & clarifications

I think you were doing us a favour to share this valuable information.
So I wasn't really even paying attention much to exact wordings.
I don't think many forum members write reviews and share them openly on the forum.

Writing these reviews understandably takes up a lot of time.
As such, setting expectation for the readers is very fair and also value-adding in my opinion.
I also find it more than okay to publish work in progress to get feedback.
The intermediate work could already add a lot of value.
Furthermore, if the end goal is value-adding, people would be happy to jump in to add their thoughts.

"...thanks for the feedback guys." (= showing gratitude for Lucio, Matthew, Transitioned, and Serena letting me know that my post was valuable—which led to the full review.)

I think showing short lines of gratitude is normal.
It would be challenging to phrase every "thank you" in a comprehensive manner.
I'm guessing you feel that you did not highlight the gratitude enough.
Highlighting further could work by adding the words in grey so

Cool, thanks for the feedback, Lucio, Matthew, Transitioned, and Serena.
This lets me know that my post was valuable.

My Thoughts

You are writing free book reviews with a detailed analysis.
We enjoy that :).

Showing Work in Progress

I think society makes us think that we should only show finished work.
There is great value in showing intermediate work and getting feedback.
The final work would then be even better with the feedback.

 

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Transitionedselffriend

Agreed with Matthew, all felt normal. As a matter of fact, it all felt in positive, value-giving territory.

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Matthew Whitewood
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Thanks for the feedback Matthew, Selffriend, and Lucio, looks like I was overthinking it.

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Matthew Whitewoodselffriend

Thank you for asking for feedback :).
I think sometimes we never know how people interpret our statements.

Ali Scarlett has reacted to this post.
Ali Scarlett

BrightDemon ( @brightdemon )

This feedback is on an exchange we had last month that I just remembered. It's coming in late, yes, but I wanted to make sure I expressed my feelings honestly and openly to avoid any passive aggression from my side.

When you posted a request for feedback in that thread, I wrote out a long response for you. And, when you didn't show any gratitude—when you didn't say "thank you"—it felt unfair and it made me feel like I wouldn't want to provide you with feedback in the future.

So, moving forward, if you could at least let me know whether or not my feedback is helpful, I think we'll have a better relationship in the forum.

P.S. We refer to this as a "social hit and run". Was unable to find the thread where we discussed that, but if someone else can, I'd be grateful.

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Lucio BuffalmanoMatthew WhitewoodTransitionedselffriend

Fair feedback, in my opinion.

OFF-TOPIC

"Social hit and run" is mentioned in the forum guidelines.

Come to think of it, might deserve a dictionary definition.

OFF-TOPIC

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Matthew Whitewood
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Hi Ali, I think your long comments are super useful and well-written, not only for him but also for our committee overall. I agree that he is impolite by not replying. I can totally feel what you felt and I did make the same mistake as him.

He might be practicing your advices so he will reply you when he get results; but still, he could have send you a short acknowledge and status update.

May I ask you (off-topic) that, if your comment was not so long, for example if it is only 1/4 of the current length, will you still feel uncomfortable when he does not reply?

 

Here, I want to apologize that I am opening another (short) feedback topic here when yours is still on-going.


 

I might be wrongly using the English phrase, "I am not sure ..."

Let's consider a hypothetical scenario:

Human A: The earth is round.

Human B: I am not sure if the earth is round.

There are two interpretations:

  1. B is acknowledging his ignorance and lack of knowledge on this topic. B is willing to learn more with a growth mindset.
  2. B casts doubts on A's argument. B might be disagreeing with A on this topic.

I usually take the first interpretation but I could be wrong. What do you think?

Selffriend: "May I ask you (off-topic) that, if your comment was not so long, for example if it is only 1/4 of the current length, will you still feel uncomfortable when he does not reply?"

I don't think it's too off-topic since it pertains to the feedback above.

And, I think it depends on the situation. What made me uncomfortable specifically was the law of social effort. I expended a lot of time and effort to provide him with the feedback he requested and got nothing in return. That, to me, made it unfair and felt disrespectful toward me and my time.

Selffriend: "I might be wrongly using the English phrase, 'I am not sure...' (e.g....I am not sure if the earth is round)."

I believe it depends on how direct or indirect you want your communication style to be, Selffriend.

One isn't necessarily better than the other, but it's almost never a bad idea to calibrate your level of directness with the person you're talking to in order to maintain rapport.

Personally, I've become more direct in recent months and am not a huge fan of that phrase. Here's why:

Ramit Sethi was teaching that very technique in his course "How to Talk to Anybody". He told a story of a lady who was more traditionally accomplished than him (she had more certifications) but was less financially successful.

When they met at a bar, with a disrespectful attitude, rude demeanor, and rapport-breaking tone, she said he wasn't "qualified" to be teaching what he teaches.

Ramit opted for the safe "agree and redirect", agreeing that certifications are important and redirecting to his point that, despite not having any certifications, his students still go on to do great things when following his teachings.

Ramit's words built back his authority with the frame that the end results of the students are more important than the licenses of the teacher.

The woman seemed to grow more upset as she contradicted him with the broken record technique, repeating what she had already said a moment before:

Her: "Well, certifications are more important."

Ramit: "I guess I disagree."

In the course, Ramit calls the "I guess" a softener. He also says he didn't "guess" anything, he simply wanted to be aware of the setting, the situation, and the fact that he was talking with a woman.

That's why, personally, I dislike these softeners ("I am not sure" also falling under that category).

I want to be open and honest about feelings on a topic. So, if I don't "guess" anything, I'm not going to say that I do.

Also, I believe it's OK to disagree and, especially when one is being so direct, it's OK to be direct back as a part of seeking fairness in the conversation and the relationship.

*Note: Here's a link to a video where Lucio talks more about agreeing and disagreeing:

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Matthew WhitewoodTransitionedselffriend
Quote from Ali Scarlett on April 24, 2021, 11:10 pm

Selffriend: "May I ask you (off-topic) that, if your comment was not so long, for example if it is only 1/4 of the current length, will you still feel uncomfortable when he does not reply?"

I don't think it's too off-topic since it pertains to the feedback above.

And, I think it depends on the situation. What made me uncomfortable specifically was the law of social effort. I expended a lot of time and effort to provide him with the feedback he requested and got nothing in return. That, to me, made it unfair and felt disrespectful toward me and my time

Hi Ali, Many thanks for your response!

I agree that he has been unfair and disrespectful. He is supposed to keep you updated. I might have made this mistake a few times. For one example, last year a big boss provided some helpful feedbacks on one of  my ongoing projects. I do feel have not yet find times to continue the project, so I feel ashamed of myself if contacting him without an progress. His email was like 100 words long. I have not response his email yet.

 

Selffriend: "I might be wrongly using the English phrase, 'I am not sure...' (e.g....I am not sure if the earth is round)."

I believe it depends on how direct or indirect you want your communication style to be, Selffriend.

One isn't necessarily better than the other, but it's almost never a bad idea to calibrate your level of directness with the person you're talking to in order to maintain rapport.

Personally, I've become more direct in recent months and am not a huge fan of that phrase.

 

So you believe that by saying "I am not sure", the person is disagreeing with softener? Well, it makes sense. Probably next time, if I want to express my lack of knowledge, I will use more words to clearly express my meanings.

The book you are talking about is also helpful.

I agree that using softener is kind of not optimal. I have been always making direct disagreement if I truly disagree with something, just like you.

I will check Lucio's video later when I got time.

Thank you again for your help, Ali.

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Ali Scarlett

@ratodo

From this thread:

I am not a conspiracy theorist but I confirm that this group exists.

My personal is to watch out how you phrase things, and/or how quickly you stake your reputation behind a certain topic.

The moment you say "I confirm", people expect to see real proof and evidence.

Do you actually have proof and evidence there is a coalesced, organize power group behind the scenes that control the world, independently of various politicians, despots, and billionaire businessmen?
If you do, there weren't any in the words that followed in that post.

You do that a few times, and people might start taking you less seriously.
Especially people with a more logical approach, who also tend to be people with generally more power in society.

A better alternative is to use "I think", "I believe", "I'd guess", "it's possible" when you don't have evidence or proof, or a long experience on a certain subject, and to keep the "I confirm" for when you've got serious firepower to convince others.
Then, whenever you say "I confirm", people take you seriously.

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Stef
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?