Feedbacks & clarifications
It's a bit tangential so I wanted to explain it here.
Maybe I misinterpreted what you mean by "just saying".
I often interpret "just saying" to be a cover after something offensive is said.
It comes across as covert to me.
At the same time, my interpretation may be wrong, so I would like to clarify with you.
So that we can both communicate with each other better.
Not at all man. When I said "Just saying". I meant "Some people might not say it but I'm saying it. I'm taking the courage to say it even though it might not be taken well."
It means: "I choose to communicate to you something that I think is important for you and I'm taking the risk that you won't like it. I think it's important that you hear it."
That's what I mean.
Got it with the tangential, I agree.
Thanks a lot, John for taking the time to clarify and explain what you mean.
I appreciate the directness and assertiveness.
I understand what you mean now.
Anytime, man! It's also something that I wanted to communicate to you.
The intention. I think it's important to wonder: does this person have benevolent or malevolent intentions towards me (in this specific instance and in general)?
I think it's important. I'll explain: I have benevolent intentions towards you (or have I ? 😉 ). So if I'm being abusive or disrespectful or anything like that towards you, it's a mistake.
It's a mistake in 2 senses:
- I hurt you so I did some harm (so it's a loss for you)
- I betrayed my intention of benevolence (so it's a loss for me)
This, by definition (see Cipolla) would be a stupid action in contradiction with what the buddhists call the right action.
So I'm open to any feed-back in this sense. I know my intentions. I know I can sometime be a dick, sometime take things personally, sometime be tired and irritable, sometime be impatient, etc. But I know my intentions.
So I think it's good to wonder if (generally speaking) this person has good or bad intentions towards us: intention of value-adding or value-taking?
From there, all kind of nasty stuff can come from of course (savior complex, etc.). However, I think intentions are the compass that helps us to keep our egos in check.
Cheers!
PS: In short: I'm one of your allies. Don't mistake me with one of your enemies. I might make mistakes but that does not make me an enemy. Just a regular person 🙂
Quote from Tina on December 20, 2020, 11:43 pmThe reason for the arguments and the personal fears for the feedback is that you're all guys and all care too much about status.
There I said it, don't attack the messenger 🙂
Hello Tina,
Some feedback for you, arm yourself of antifragile ego + growth mindset and take a look here.
Personally, I think your joke was OK (but others didn't, so listen to the majority in this case), and could have been helpful, but it was untimely.
Humor can be good after one has reached a resolution, and it's useful to rebuild rapport quickly.
I have used it often to restore goodwill after an altercation, and sometimes even turned it into a running joke.
But in this case, it went down like a lead balloon.
Edit: adding the "@Tina".
Quote from Astronomically Revolutionised on December 26, 2020, 3:33 pmThis thread makes a top 50 spot in my
"Top 100 favourite things about thepowermoves.com" list
As for the feedback, Thank you!
I usually engage win - win.
Awesome learner attitude, AR, cheers.
Your note on "top threads" makes me think of starting a thread of "top threads" where people share their favorite ones. And if we see a lot of overlap, we can sticky some of them.
Maybe let's talk about that here.
I appreciate the further in-depth clarification.
I wanted to type this out further when I was reflecting over dinner.
(or have I ? ? )
I have gained tangibly from our conversations so far.
So I believe you're benevolent ? and an ally.
The intention is the most important. I agree.
What I wanted to type out after reflecting over dinner.
Huge difference between
- Saying something offensive to deliberately push someone down or take away value
- Having the courage to be direct and honest as it is an important opinion or feedback at the risk of being offensive
The first is someone going out of his way to take away value from you.
The second is someone going out of his way to put himself on the line to sound offensive and give value to you.
In fact, almost opposites.
Just that perceptions can be so deceiving.
Quote from John Freeman on December 27, 2020, 8:56 amI'll answer in the thread. Otherwise there are duplicates.
Hey John,
Quickly clarify the use of this thread: this is the correct place for personal clarifications as well.
If there is something that you felt was odd, or rude, passive-aggressive, or particularly good (feedback is also positive of course) you can copy it from another thread, then paste it here (like Matthew did). And then to make sure the person doesn't miss it, you can either "@ them", or link here from when you reply to the rest of their message in the other thread.
This way, we can keep the other threads more on topic, and makes this thread here a concentrated space for feedback, personal clarifications and, in turn, a big thread-boost for our emotional intelligence.
Ok, I got it from Matthew's answer about the tangential. If it's a matter of communication it can pollute the content of the thread as it becomes a thread within the thread. Thanks for the clarification!
I have gained tangibly from our conversations so far.
So I believe you're benevolent ? and an ally.
Hahaha, I'm happy you're making this conclusion. That's how you can recognize a fair player. It does take a few exchanges. However some people use it to hurt others. They give value, give value, give value and then they fuck you over like you've never seen it. But these are advanced value-takers, they have a "long-term strategy of value-taking". (see Trump again with his "hire-and-fire" strategy).
Huge difference between
- Saying something offensive to deliberately push someone down or take away value
- Having the courage to be direct and honest as it is an important opinion or feedback at the risk of being offensive
Good wisdom. Thanks! They are opposites. However, sometime it takes some time to develop the discernment to see the different.
There is a misunderstanding. It's not my opinion. It's what I read in a book and it helped me a lot.
Do you mean that you read the principle in a book but are still taking time to form an opinion on the topic?
I am not criticizing your morals or belief system.
I like to explain and go into more details to understand something.
But sometimes it comes across as overinvesting, and people interpret that I am taking their remarks as criticism.
Like when I go meta against covert aggression but that is a different dynamic.
This happens more often during text comunication.
Less often during verbal communication, because people can see the tone and body language.
However some people use it to hurt others. They give value, give value, give value and then they fuck you over like you've never seen it. But these are advanced value-takers, they have a "long-term strategy of value-taking". (see Trump again with his "hire-and-fire" strategy).
Maybe another thread.
I have indeed been burnt a few times by advanced value-takers.
What I do is to examine whether the relationship is balanced.
I make sure that any relationship is not too imbalanced in the sense I have given much more value than I have taken.
Or I give lots of value but I'm not going out of my way to give value.
So, when the advanced value-taker shows his cards, I don't lose out in that relationship in a sense.
But actually, the priority is to ensure a healthy, balanced relationship, and the above is a side-effect.
In certain relationships, I'm willing to take more chances and give more value at the start.
It is a risk, but I can be comfortable with that depending on the circumstance.