Feedbacks & clarifications
Quote from John Freeman on December 20, 2020, 9:27 pmI mean: why are there no private message boxes like on other forums? That we can use to message other forum members.
It requires one more plugin / integration, and didn't see the benefit justifying the added complexity.
It also happened in other forums, or even on FB, that I write something in public, and here comes the guy who replies in private, or tells you to "inbox him" (usually not a high-value behavior, BTW, but some exceptions apply). And that siphons off potential value for everyone, into a private exchange.
Ok, thanks for the explanation. I get it.
The reason for the arguments and the personal fears for the feedback is that you're all guys and all care too much about status.
There I said it, don't attack the messenger 🙂
@lucio: would you mind if I start a poll to see what people are thinking about the private message box on the forum?
Quote from Tina on December 20, 2020, 11:43 pmThe reason for the arguments and the personal fears for the feedback is that you're all guys and all care too much about status.
There I said it, don't attack the messenger 🙂
Uuuh, she just threw the grenade in the locker room :).
There might be some truth to it actually, as men tend to care more about hierarchies, but let's keep it on topic, as this could go in a very different direction than what the topic is intended for.
Quote from John Freeman on December 21, 2020, 6:59 am@lucio: would you mind if I start a poll to see what people are thinking about the private message box on the forum?
For sure, go for it.
I can't promise a system will be implemented depending on the results, but I do can commit to looking more deeply as to what it would take, and then share the results there if the majority prefers the private message system (and if it's easy to do, why not).
Make sure you read the beginning of this thread to understand what it's here for (but, in short: it's not criticism, but feedback for growth and self-empowerment).
In this thread, I feel like your approach can be improved to increase your effectiveness.
I felt you might be overwhelming people (Ali, in that case), with questions (= too many value-taking requests).
Look at this:
Legend503: Is it how you should frame speeches? End on a power tone? I don't even know what it's called.
And then on the next message:
Legend503: Also - Could you link something specific regarding the CHARMER/FRIEND type of dominance? So i can read more about exactly what you mean.
Put yourself in Ali's shoes for a second.
That's 2 questions in the first post, and then a 3rd one in the next one.
It's a lot of effort you're asking Ali to expand.
And what are Ali's reasons to do it?
Not really many, is it?
You are counting on Ali wanting to help, plus having free time to do it, plus not being put-off by the amount of requests/tasking. That's a lot, considering Ali is lacking any real "what's in it for me".
BETTER APPROACH
As a general approach, seek to keep the exchange balanced.
Consider sticking to one single question.
And maybe you can seek to praise something specific that Ali did well.
For example, consider this:
Man, that's such a great idea to check the comments to see how people generally react
POWER SAPPING MOVE
This is more advanced, but for other people reading, when you said this:
"I don't even know what it's called"
This frames you in the position of the true beginner.
Which might be true, but it's not helpful to get what you want, because usually people prefer to help more advanced people.
Why?
Because beginners have no power and value to pay back the help. The effort spent on beginners is in the hope of a (far) in the future payback, and far away paybacks are far more uncertain.
Non-beginners instead are able, and more likely, to pay back the effort in the shorter run.
You don't need to pretend you're knowledgeable if you're not -that would be even worse, indeed-.
But you also don't need to advertise the lack of knowledge.
Your frame with that sentence is like saying "I'm so clueless, can please anyone here help me"?
It's similar to a beggar's frame: "I'm penniless, can anyone help"?
It's certainly possible some help, but you're depending on mercy, rather than on value-exchange, which is usually a more reliable approach.
WHAT YOU DID WELL
You thanked Ali for the breakdown and told him it was very good. Both of them are very good moves.
And you shared your personal feelings about the speech in the first post, also a good move.
@Astronomically Revolutionized
Read the beginning of this thread to understand what it's here for.
On this thread on handshakes power dynamics, you say:
Can a limp hand shake with my palms down be a counter move against a palms down handshake?
It's a fair question.
At the same time, when I read about move / counter moves, it makes me think that:
- One might be focusing more on the one-upping / not being one-upped, than on developing overall strong relationships
- It makes me think that one is focusing more on the details, than on the bigger picture
This thread makes a top 50 spot in my
"Top 100 favourite things about thepowermoves.com" list
As for the feedback, Thank you!
I usually engage win - win.
However, in the past, when ever someone has tried to one up me with the particular palms down handshake, I have always submitted.
Now that I have learnt many ways by which I could have powerfully dealt those situations, I feel angry at my self.
I keep re visiting those scenes, I get more angry at myself and I match pieces in my mind trying to come up with ways how I could have beaten their powermoves. Or next time someone tries to give me the same treatment, I'll respond properly.
However, it is not in my intention to put others down if they are neutral or good with me. And my first line of behaviour would be establishing a long term win - win.
Very minor point. I want to emphasise.
But I think it is important to clarify minor points with people I interact with regularly.
It makes the difference between improving the relationship by 1% or weakening it by 1%.
Quote from John Freeman on this Thread
Be careful, this is part of the nice guy/savior mindset. Just saying.
Thanks for the perspective on the first statement.
When you add "Just saying" at the back, I feel that it is a bit patronising because it suggests that it might be an insulting statement.
I don’t understand your remark?
I'll answer in the thread. Otherwise there are duplicates.