Former Community – We Moved
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Getting paid from Machievellian former boss
Effect of judge move are lifting, starting to feel better.
I see now why you consider his message a win for me: we could say that provoking him with the "dear colleague" move was the last step in causing him to want to reply to my "offensiveness". The problem for him: he only could reply by simultaneously paying me (otherwise I could have used his nasty reply against him in court).
So, in essence, together with preparing for the legal case, I also played on his desire to have the last word: in time, I piled request upon request on him, and he couldn't reply because he would have proven my point; and I also unconsciously lowered my "warmth" more and more with each communication. This plays well together with escalating progressively and not abruptly, as you taught me.
And that's also why I don't need to reply now: I got the bigger "prize", so to speak.
This could even become a move that I could replicate in my profession with other nasty people, i.e. subtly stoking their indignation to make them want to prove a point. A form of reverse psychology based on the theory of reactance, that you also mention on The Power Moves.
The biggest irony here is that my former boss used this same exact move all the time (including on me), and once even told me about doing it consciously (usually to get information on others' intentions if push came to shove). But it still worked on him!
Quote from Bel on March 24, 2022, 9:31 pmHis email was even more nasty than I wrote above, I omitted a small part where he quoted someone unspecified (probably himself!) about "ungrateful people asking without timidity and forgetting what they received".
I am glad, but part of me is still sad that I was not able to end this in a better way.
I'm the seconding the "Boom!". You won against a nasty person. And to prove he's a nasty person, he's sending you a last nasty message. Don't fall for it. Don't take it as face value. If Hitler would say you're a bad person, how would you react? Exactly. He's not really the best judge of character out there, this guy you have been dealing with.
You can be proud of yourself and feel relieved this is all over. I think the title is more likely to be "former nasty manipulator boss".
He tried to hurt you after he lost. Don't feel hurt and you haven't been (quote).
He tried to threaten your "I'm a good person" identity. You are your own judge. You choose if you're a good person or not, not him. So this win can make you feel happy, not sad.
He's trying to reframe the whole interaction. The correct frame is this guys was dishonest and tried to steal from you. You prevented him from doing that. End of the story.
Remember: you want these people OUT of your life. So it's a good thing when they try to make it as they're rejecting you. Go along with it.
- You rejected him as a person unworthy of your trust
- It's not important who rejects who as long as he's out of your life. He's value-negative. So the longer you have had that guy in your life, the more you were losing.
Another win for you and TPM.
Quote from John Freeman on March 26, 2022, 2:19 pmHe tried to threaten your "I'm a good person" identity. You are your own judge. You choose if you're a good person or not, not him. So this win can make you feel happy, not sad.
He's trying to reframe the whole interaction. The correct frame is this guys was dishonest and tried to steal from you. You prevented him from doing that. End of the story.
Remember: you want these people OUT of your life. So it's a good thing when they try to make it as they're rejecting you. Go along with it.
This is all golden. Thank you John, your post is really helpful to further make sense of this.
Hi guys.
I have studied the case-law on offenses between fellow lawyers in my jurisdiction, and I am fairly certain that the last email I received from my former boss is punishable with formal censure if brought in front of the local bar disciplinary commission.
I am starting to think about further re-empowering here. I see two options:
- I could send him an email whereby I ask him to apologize formally to me via email, or else I will bring him in front of the bar for censure;
- I could wait 4 years (so that everything I did/wrote to him in the past is covered by the statute of limitations, disciplinary-wise), and then bring him in front of the bar for his last email (which would still be punishable time-wise) without any prior communication to him.
I am very tired of being disrespected by these people, and I am starting to get really angry.
Do you see any merit in the above?
It would not give me any personal benefit apart from damaging him seriously in his professional standing, which he would deserve anyway since he abused me covertly for 10 years.
For sure #2.
10% because it's the best option, and 90% because in 4 years you'll have forgotten all about it.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 22, 2022, 1:30 pmFor sure #2.
10% because it's the best option, and 90% because in 4 years you'll have forgotten all about it.
Thanks!
I’m not so sure about me forgetting :)
fair engouh, and BTW, my bad as that might have easily come across the wrong way on text.
What I meant is that "it'll be good if you move on and forget (which is likely)".
If that's not the case, then, well.. You know what they say about the best vendetta (served cold :).
I have already set up my calendar.
:D
What I think as a friend: I would move on. You dodged a bullet. Don't let this person rent space in your head for free. Just let it go for your own peace of mind.
