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"I don't allow myself much time for movies these days": power move

#1 · February 23, 2023, 8:18 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on February 23, 2023, 8:18 pm
From this thread:
Quote from Bel on February 23, 2023, 6:35 pm
Hi Lucio,
from here:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 19, 2023, 8:21 am
I don't allow myself much time for movies these days (<--- this could be a one-up power move in certain situations to same "I'm busier / more driven than you", so a more power-protecting way is to say "I'm not watching many movies these days, but...")...
I liked this a lot.
If I understand it correctly, it's:
Power mover: You know, you should read some books sometime... (subcommunication: "What an illiterate idiot")
Power checker: I don't allow myself much time for books these days, but thanks for your suggestion. (subcommunication: "I read so much in the past it would surprise you, but now got to better endeavors. You stay on your books though. And, thanks for nothing")
Hi Bel,
Responding here where it's more on-topic.
My interpretation would be different because the sub-communication in a case like that is often more of a self-frame first that then results in the receiver being framed a certain way second, depending on how it was said and the context. (Plus, books being good to read is more of a society-wide agreed-upon frame that's difficult to fight.)
Example:
Power Mover: "You know, you should read some books sometime... (frame: "you don't read at all" + sub-communication: "I'm more well-read / more of a driven learner than you")
Power Checker: "Yeah, these days, I spend more time implementing (sub-communication: "I prefer to focus on being competent than being 'book-smart'") the best books I've read (rejects the frame you don't read) than reading more books (sub-communcation: "I prefer 'quality over quantity', focusing my time on high-quality books and reserving the rest of my time for more important things). But, you're right, maybe I'll get back into reading more sometime soon (agree to smoothen the response).
Notice the power mover's frames/sub-communications:
You should read some books sometime = implies that you're not reading at all and should maybe read any book you can get your hands on, instead of carefully selecting the resources that give you the best return on your time (which may be a course) and pursuing that instead.
You should read some books sometime = the implication being that this person follows their own advice and, therefore, reads many books (and maybe fairly often), which positions themself as above the receiver (more well-read/driven), if the receiver follows their frame.
From my perspective, the speaker frames themself a certain way first and if that self-framing was a social climb (a one-up), then it has consequences for the receiver if they do nothing about it.
But, that's only my interpretation, happy to hear feedback if anyone sees it another way.

From this thread:

Quote from Bel on February 23, 2023, 6:35 pm
Hi Lucio,
from here:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 19, 2023, 8:21 am
I don't allow myself much time for movies these days (<--- this could be a one-up power move in certain situations to same "I'm busier / more driven than you", so a more power-protecting way is to say "I'm not watching many movies these days, but...")...
I liked this a lot.
If I understand it correctly, it's:
Power mover: You know, you should read some books sometime... (subcommunication: "What an illiterate idiot")
Power checker: I don't allow myself much time for books these days, but thanks for your suggestion. (subcommunication: "I read so much in the past it would surprise you, but now got to better endeavors. You stay on your books though. And, thanks for nothing")

Hi Bel,

Responding here where it's more on-topic.

My interpretation would be different because the sub-communication in a case like that is often more of a self-frame first that then results in the receiver being framed a certain way second, depending on how it was said and the context. (Plus, books being good to read is more of a society-wide agreed-upon frame that's difficult to fight.)

Example:

Power Mover: "You know, you should read some books sometime... (frame: "you don't read at all" + sub-communication: "I'm more well-read / more of a driven learner than you")
Power Checker: "Yeah, these days, I spend more time implementing (sub-communication: "I prefer to focus on being competent than being 'book-smart'") the best books I've read (rejects the frame you don't read) than reading more books (sub-communcation: "I prefer 'quality over quantity', focusing my time on high-quality books and reserving the rest of my time for more important things). But, you're right, maybe I'll get back into reading more sometime soon (agree to smoothen the response).

Notice the power mover's frames/sub-communications:

You should read some books sometime = implies that you're not reading at all and should maybe read any book you can get your hands on, instead of carefully selecting the resources that give you the best return on your time (which may be a course) and pursuing that instead.
You should read some books sometime = the implication being that this person follows their own advice and, therefore, reads many books (and maybe fairly often), which positions themself as above the receiver (more well-read/driven), if the receiver follows their frame.

From my perspective, the speaker frames themself a certain way first and if that self-framing was a social climb (a one-up), then it has consequences for the receiver if they do nothing about it.

But, that's only my interpretation, happy to hear feedback if anyone sees it another way.

Transitioned and B have reacted to this post.

#2 · February 23, 2023, 9:43 pm

Hi Ali,

thank you for this thread, it's very interesting!

I understand you saying, in other words, and staying with the example I wrote about, that the answer "I don't allow myself much time for books these days" may not be enough to check the power move "You should read some books sometimes", as it (the answer) is too obscure/leaves too much hidden.

I agree it may be the case: especially as, more in general, I think I have this tendency to assume that saying little can imply more than it actually does. I suppose it's a remnant/progress from the past, where I thought that "just ignoring" could be a solution to everything.

I also believe it may, at least in part, depend on the context. If someone said that ("You should read more books") to me, and knowing how much I read - which was so evident to all around me, because I did it all the time, and is also in a way inherent to my profession - I think at least some of the subcommunication I had in mind in answering "I don't allow myself much time for books these days" could be there.

That said, I'm also curious to hear other's opinion on this, and on which cases the "I don't allow myself much time for..." could be used for.

Transitioned has reacted to this post.

#3 · February 23, 2023, 11:39 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on February 23, 2023, 11:39 pm
Quote from Bel on February 23, 2023, 9:43 pm
(...)
I understand you saying, in other words, and staying with the example I wrote about, that the answer "I don't allow myself much time for books these days" may not be enough to check the power move "You should read some books sometimes", as it (the answer) is too obscure/leaves too much hidden.
(...)
Yeah, the main issue I see with that one isn't necessarily the length (albeit that may be improved too). It's that it takes something society generally believes is good for you (reading) and says you "don't make time for it".
So, if someone says they're better than you and then you respond by saying you don't make time for the things that are good for you...it seems like you're validating the power mover's self-frame of being better than you.
That said, I imagine there are still cases where the "I don't allow myself..." one-up format can probably work.
For example, when someone is trying to social climb by one-upping you for something society widely considers "unhealthy/not good", you can respond with that one-up format:
[You're out with friends at dinner and placing your orders.]
Power Mover: "Don't tell me you're going to eat salad again man, you should loosen up." (frame: "you're uptight for keeping a strict, health-focused diet")
You: "Yeah, I don't allow myself much space in my diet for junk food these days." (self-frame: "I'm healthier/better than you")
Although, I wouldn't necessarily recommend this as a response, notice what makes this more of a social climb:
You frame the power mover's meal as "junk".
And, I think that's a part of what makes this "technique" effective as a one-up, as we've seen from all of the examples so far:
Movies are widely considered as being primarily for entertainment: so when someone says "I don't allow myself much time for that", it's implied that it's because they're making time for things that pertain more toward goal-achievement.
Junk food is widely considered as being bad for you: so when someone says "I don't allow myself much space in my diet for that," it's implied that it's because they're focusing more on healthier options.
Reading books is widely considered a habit of intellectual individuals: so, when someone says, "I don't allow myself much time for that," it seems off because it implies they'd maybe rather make time for things that (maybe) add less value to their life.
Also, the very format of saying "I don't allow myself" implies that what's coming is going to be something negative because, in life, we keep ourselves from doing that which is bad for us (and that contributes to the sentence coming across as a one-up in some cases).
So, saying, "I don't allow myself to read", feels like an odd thing to say.
But, if someone wants to frame you as weird for spending more time learning in a course than playing video games, it can make sense to say, "Yeah, I don't allow myself much time for video games these days...I'm focused on building my business/advancing in my career/getting better at XYZ, etc.)."
If anyone has feedback on this, happy to read.

Quote from Bel on February 23, 2023, 9:43 pm
(...)
I understand you saying, in other words, and staying with the example I wrote about, that the answer "I don't allow myself much time for books these days" may not be enough to check the power move "You should read some books sometimes", as it (the answer) is too obscure/leaves too much hidden.
(...)

Yeah, the main issue I see with that one isn't necessarily the length (albeit that may be improved too). It's that it takes something society generally believes is good for you (reading) and says you "don't make time for it".

So, if someone says they're better than you and then you respond by saying you don't make time for the things that are good for you...it seems like you're validating the power mover's self-frame of being better than you.

That said, I imagine there are still cases where the "I don't allow myself..." one-up format can probably work.

For example, when someone is trying to social climb by one-upping you for something society widely considers "unhealthy/not good", you can respond with that one-up format:

[You're out with friends at dinner and placing your orders.]
Power Mover: "Don't tell me you're going to eat salad again man, you should loosen up." (frame: "you're uptight for keeping a strict, health-focused diet")
You: "Yeah, I don't allow myself much space in my diet for junk food these days." (self-frame: "I'm healthier/better than you")

Although, I wouldn't necessarily recommend this as a response, notice what makes this more of a social climb:

You frame the power mover's meal as "junk".

And, I think that's a part of what makes this "technique" effective as a one-up, as we've seen from all of the examples so far:

Movies are widely considered as being primarily for entertainment: so when someone says "I don't allow myself much time for that", it's implied that it's because they're making time for things that pertain more toward goal-achievement.
Junk food is widely considered as being bad for you: so when someone says "I don't allow myself much space in my diet for that," it's implied that it's because they're focusing more on healthier options.
Reading books is widely considered a habit of intellectual individuals: so, when someone says, "I don't allow myself much time for that," it seems off because it implies they'd maybe rather make time for things that (maybe) add less value to their life.

Also, the very format of saying "I don't allow myself" implies that what's coming is going to be something negative because, in life, we keep ourselves from doing that which is bad for us (and that contributes to the sentence coming across as a one-up in some cases).

So, saying, "I don't allow myself to read", feels like an odd thing to say.

But, if someone wants to frame you as weird for spending more time learning in a course than playing video games, it can make sense to say, "Yeah, I don't allow myself much time for video games these days...I'm focused on building my business/advancing in my career/getting better at XYZ, etc.)."

If anyone has feedback on this, happy to read.

Transitioned and B have reacted to this post.

#4 · February 24, 2023, 3:44 am

Thanks Ali for kicking this thread off. It is a common social one up.

I've often heard it as the dreaded Monday or Friday work question. How was your weekend. Got much on?

If you say a quiet one. They launch into how popular/sporty/active they are.

So you could counter: yea its fun to be busy and sometimes I like to enjoy the moment.

Some people I know have fake hobbies ready for that question: they say they love cooking and swap recipes they never make, or 3D printing or whatever

Like some single ladies have dog videos, the whole furchild thing so they can contribute to group discussions when people play the parent card.

#5 · February 24, 2023, 3:59 am

Hi Transitioned,

That sounds a bit different but, yeah, what you say is true: that can be a one-up, depending on the situation.

For example, if someone baits another person to share an update knowing they probably have nothing fun/exciting/interesting to speak about, they can use that to highlight how much cooler they are in comparison by sharing their own updates after.

But, it truly does depend on the situation because, as much as it can be a social one-up, it can also be a value-giving move to make, sharing what one is up to (which can show a willingness to have a conversation) and giving enough details so it's easy for the receiver to keep the conversation going.

If you have an example to share, happy to leave my thoughts (and, perhaps, open another thread for it if you think it makes sense to).

#6 · February 25, 2023, 6:57 am

Yes thanks Ali I was stretching - I think the original one was more of a Judge move.

My one is almost like a trap question leading to a one-up.

Ali Scarlett has reacted to this post.