What do you think are the most PU link-worthy threads?
Quote from John Freeman on December 14, 2022, 1:29 pmQuote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 14, 2022, 8:36 amI may even add: to push your successes on them is at high risk of turning a friend into a frenemy.
If someone never asks, assume they don't want to know.
Not everyone can be a good friend.And the strategist knows that it's a grave mistake to force a not-so-good-person into a friend (they'll turn frenemies anyway).
That's the social equivalent of the dater who "tries to turn a hoe into a housewife" -or, for women, an inveterate player and/or alcoholic into a good father-.
Instead, it's a lot better and more beneficial for both, even win-win, to keep not-so-good people as acquaintances or semi-friends.
Exceptions always apply, so with good people, you can mention it or just share a small detail of your success -or whatever you're happy to share and talk about-.
Then wait for them to ask.
If they're good, they'll say something like "yeah right, I forgot to ask man, sorry about that, please tell me more" and let you share more, and be happy for you.Thanks a lot for the compliment and the feed-back! This above is golden -> my notes. The caveat about turning friends into frenemies is also quite important.
I think this deserves to be in PU somehow.
Thank you for this feedback, John!
It's super helpful and I added it to my notes.
There will be a lesson on "how to get a social life going" with the next update, so I will also add it there.
P.S.:
I didn't "@" you because you use a different user for the "@" (so not even sure you'll see this actually).
Let me know if the "@" with your original username is not an issue for you.
Hi Lucio,
from here:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 19, 2023, 8:21 amI don't allow myself much time for movies these days (<--- this could be a one-up power move in certain situations to same "I'm busier / more driven than you", so a more power-protecting way is to say "I'm not watching many movies these days, but...")...
I liked this a lot.
If I understand it correctly, it's:
Power mover: You know, you should read some books sometime... (subcommunication: "What an illiterate idiot")
Power checker: I don't allow myself much time for books these days, but thanks for your suggestion. (subcommunication: "I read so much in the past it would surprise you, but now got to better endeavors. You stay on your books though. And, thanks for nothing")
Thank you so much for hte note, Bel!
This is a case of "covert bragging" and "covert one-upping".
Overt bragging is not cool because it's obvious to almost everyone.
But a good social strategist should know how to brag subtly because that's what the early PUA used to call "displaying high value" and can be effective -very good in dating actually when you may have a single date to develop some liking/attraction-.
Of course, what you don't say but act out is generally much better, but still, sending verbal signals is a great tool -and something that I'll tackle even better in PU-.
As for the specifics, this must go in its own thread to avoid off-topics here (Ali already did it, I think)
Thank you, Lucio.
And, next time I’ll open a thread like Ali did when I don’t fully grasp something before posting elsewhere.
Quote from Bel on February 28, 2023, 7:11 pmGreat answers by Kavalier and Lucio.Want to comment on this:Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 28, 2023, 3:50 amDirect callingly it + mirror role play to make your point
Here's a brief good rapport-maintaining approach to going meta:
You: Dear aunt, I think you give me many of these suggestions with my and our best interest in mind and for that, I'm truly grateful.
At the same time, please let me share that it's certainly possible to overdo something good and it's a bit annoying when someone tells you what to do a little bit too often, and a little bit too condescendinglyThat's already enough for the first check.
She'll probably push back, but doesn't matter what she says, you got your own strategy to follow.
Personally, whatever she replies, I'd then like to use a mirror technique to make her feel the same:
Her: (whatever she says)
You: don't reply that to me!
Trust me more!
Keep more quiet or you distract me! Lower the AC output! Make this, make that! (<--- you're mimicking and exaggerating the tasking here to make your point of how annoying it is)
How does that feel to you? (<--- now you switch back to normal talk)
Does that feel a bit annoying? It does, right? Well, that's how I also feel when someone always tell me what to doThe key is to make your role play dominant and obnoxious, ideally similar to her style.
The power of this approach is that it shows rather than tell.
I used it many times, and worked great.
This is super-awesome.
It works by demonstrating one can (and likely will, if necessary) retaliate, but the fact that one is "role-playing" removes the "threat element".
Totally going to implement this.
Thank you for the note, Bel!
Going to add a polished version of this technique into PU, self-defense lesson...
Unless someone disagrees (or if someone has any other feedback on it, happy to hear).
From this thread:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 28, 2023, 3:50 amMindset: she's already ruining the relationship, and I'm being disempowered
On this one here:
Quote from Maverick on February 28, 2023, 12:57 am(...) Another option I have is to go meta and call her out.I find this risky as it could jeopardize our relationshipThank You for the great analysis and ideas Bel
Mav
A different point of view for view:
SHE is already jeopardizing the relationship by destroying the social capital between you two.
And you're also on the losing end.
That should be good enough motivation to do something.
This was a huge mindset shift for me.
I also remember another post from Lucio that gave me big mindset shift. It was about how "taking from takers" is a good thing.
I think these and similar mindsets/values deserve a place in PU as they are very useful for people who start out more submissive and conflict adverse.
Thank you so much, Mats, this is really super useful!