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JLes's Journal

#1 · October 26, 2023, 1:42 pm

Hello fellow power movers and my future self!

I've very rarely shared any of my thoughts, challanges struggles publicly so this is a bit of a new experience for me.

I've gone through the Power Uni once a few years back already and seen massive improvements in my communication, effectiveness, power, social life and likeability as a result.
Unfortunately, as I've spent less time on the course, in the forums and floated somewhat away from the community, I reversed back to the long engrained behaviours that are keeping me from living my best life.

My old self wants to say I aim, or I will attempt to make this, to give myself a way out of the uncomfortable, but oh so very necessary change.

So, keeping to the wise words of Yoda "Do. Or do not. There is not try." I will be making this the space for capturing my experiences, in the context of social and power dynamics, to develop and grow to where I know Power Uni has taken me in the past and beyond.

Here comes the accountability part - I'm committing to becoming an eagle in front of this community and won't stop until I do. It's like riding a bike, you don't stop until you've learnt to ride. If I stop posting updates at least once a week, feel free to point out my incongruency to my own commitment to this noble and worthwhile endeavour.

Feel free to watch this space and contribute as and when you see fit, if any of the notes I post resonate with you.

Lucio Buffalmano, Kellvo and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#2 · October 26, 2023, 5:54 pm

Cheers J Les, good to see you journaling!

If you allow me to reply here and avoid off-topic there (journals are a bit more liberals as for choice of topics):

Quote from J Les on October 26, 2023, 5:21 pm
Would be curious to find out more about your workflow as I'm looking at setting up something similar within my own business.

The simplest possible:

Go through the checkout
The "thank you" message includes a link to the calendar booking

Same for those who add coaching in the PU checkout:

Go through checkout
The "welcome page" that redirects right after includes a link to the calendar booking

P.S.:

Despire you shared your name in the intro I will use your nickname unless you expressly said so (some people in the past felt less comfortable with their real name used too often in other threads).

J Les has reacted to this post.

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#3 · October 26, 2023, 5:55 pm

Whilst going through the High Power/High Warmth section of the course, I've had what one might call a bit of a lightbulb moment...

For a little while now, I've been battling with comments/feedback I've had that reached back to me of some individuals "fearing me".
A part of me didn't really understand what that meant or why that was the case.

When I had a 1-to-1 with Lucio earlier this year, he indicated that I have no trouble with power, but low in warmth.

Well, it finally hit home today that the comments I've had are very much related to the High Power, Low Warmth general comment "Everyone fears you".

This also makes sense why the phrase "you don't suffer fools lightly" has also been used with reference to current self.

It appears that to date my behaviour, as evidence by my current state of affairs, is that of a high-value taker.

Time to dig in and add some warmth!

Lucio Buffalmano, Kellvo and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#4 · October 26, 2023, 6:48 pm

Wonderful to see another high-flying Eagle in the community! It sounds like you are doing well. My honest advice, if you want it, is to go over one section at a time, practice it, and then report back here with what you discovered. You had a breakthrough with the High Power/High Warmth section of the course; what more can you dig into, discover and apply in your life?

P.S. I would be glad to be an accountability partner for you. :)

Lucio Buffalmano, J Les and Mats G have reacted to this post.

#5 · October 26, 2023, 6:52 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 26, 2023, 5:54 pm
Cheers J Les, good to see you journaling!
If you allow me to reply here and avoid off-topic there (journals are a bit more liberals as for choice of topics):
Quote from J Les on October 26, 2023, 5:21 pm
Would be curious to find out more about your workflow as I'm looking at setting up something similar within my own business.
The simplest possible:
Go through the checkout
The "thank you" message includes a link to the calendar booking
Same for those who add coaching in the PU checkout:
Go through checkout
The "welcome page" that redirects right after includes a link to the calendar booking
P.S.:
Despire you shared your name in the intro I will use your nickname unless you expressly said so (some people in the past felt less comfortable with their real name used too often in other threads).

Thanks for that Lucio - appreciate you sharing!

I don't mind the off-topic here at all.

That sounds like a much more robust process for TPM!

In response to the PS. there is another jack on the forum and my nickname is intentionally somewhat recognisable.
Getting myself used to putting myself fully out there is partially the aim with the journal so that I also become more comfortable sharing thoughts, notes, posts and in future videos on youtube/instagram and other platforms. So even though its a little uncomfortable, that's the point.

Lucio Buffalmano, Mats G and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#6 · October 26, 2023, 7:04 pm

Quote from J Les on October 26, 2023, 6:52 pm
In response to the PS. there is another jack on the forum and my nickname is intentionally somewhat recognisable.
Getting myself used to putting myself fully out there is partially the aim with the journal so that I also become more comfortable sharing thoughts, notes, posts and in future videos on youtube/instagram and other platforms. So even though its a little uncomfortable, that's the point.

Cool, I like that.

I remember there was a discussion quite some time ago about privacy.

And my final stance was that I believe that part of being empowered included not being TOO fearful around privacy".
As for everything, balance.
Sure, don't put your full name fully out there if it's not good for you/your job. But in the unlikely event one should ever find out, one should have the strength to say "yeah, so what, I'm working on myself and proud of it" and owning it.

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#7 · October 26, 2023, 7:09 pm

Quote from Kellvo on October 26, 2023, 6:48 pm
Wonderful to see another high-flying Eagle in the community! It sounds like you are doing well. My honest advice, if you want it, is to go over one section at a time, practice it, and then report back here with what you discovered. You had a breakthrough with the High Power/High Warmth section of the course; what more can you dig into, discover and apply in your life?
P.S. I would be glad to be an accountability partner for you. 🙂

Appreciate the kind words and advice @kellvo.
There is lots more in the course and some of it I already have a vague memories of. Looking forward to going through all of the course!

I'd love an accountability partner, that would be awesome. I'd definitely appreciate a nudge whenever I go quiet on here. What did you have in mind?

Power Duck has reacted to this post.

#8 · October 26, 2023, 7:53 pm

"yeah, so what, I'm working on myself and proud of it"

I couldn't agree more with the approach Lucio.

That's the approach I'm going to take if/when someone comes across this. That's the ultimate in self-belief and ones empowerment, at least as far as I'm concerned.

Lucio Buffalmano and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#9 · October 27, 2023, 2:35 pm

Quote from J Les on October 27, 2023, 2:35 pm
It feels great to start to open up. There is so much I'd like to share I'm not even sure where to start.
Reading through the How to Become High-Warmth module really hits home.
There has been a number of times and a number of people that have given me feedback to date - either non-verbally or verbally that my communication and frames are overly mean and offending to people. With my professional background being mainly scientific, I have a keen eye for detail. This is what I've been noticing:
Whenever a new relationship starts, people are keen to talk to me, interact with me and a readily responsive to my "attention requests". Starting at a nominal zero-to-slightly-positive balance in their "relationship bank account" with me. However, not long after the relationship starts, I end up using up all of this credit, unwittingly, and notice a significant reduction in goodwill, willingness to meet my eye contact and respond to my requests, etc.
Taking stock isn't easy, but its key to moving forward. Sharing this for my future self and everyone here only cements that the current status quo has to change for my life to improve. The limited number of close relationships, as showcased but little to no incoming DMs, no incoming calls, limited people wanting to work with me/for me is clear testament of the current state of affairs. In the words of Ray Dalio: Embrace reality and deal with it.
If you want to become more wanted, warmth is key.
Part of the challenge from this is that I've personally very rarely experienced the feeling of being truly disrespected, and as a result haven't really considered my communication as "too cold" and "unwelcoming". And, putting myself back to the situation in which I was constantly in the presence of someone who was making me feel disrespected, I can fully appreciate how unpleasant it is. That's a story for another day.
Coming back to the core lesson
Out of the easy tips:
Flash your eyebrows upward when you first meet someone -
I try to acknowledge people whenever I see them first thing in the morning. However, when fully occupied and hyperfocused on whatever it is that's on my mind - do sometimes forget/ignore people more... Action step: take the time to greet people, it pays to be courteous!
Nod or slight head bow if appropriate and if you want to increase warmth rather than power
Same as above, but higher investment - hence becoming "closer" with the person in question... Action step: take the time to greet people, especially ones you want to be close with, it pays to be courteous!
Look at them in the eyes
Creates warmth and acknowledgment rather than creating distance...: Action step: take time to acknowledge people, it pays to be courteous!

Smile (sincerely) if appropriate
Action step: Initiate a smile, whenever you can...And always seize the opportunity to return one
Say you’re glad to meet them if it’s an introduction
This I find somewhat presumptuous personally, I don't know if I am glad to meet them... Only time will tell... But its a commonly accepted pleasantry - it pays to be courteous!
Say thank you if it’s a service worker
I tend to be courteous to service staff regardless, after all the may the evening go smoothly or otherwise.
Chit-chat before negotiations, ask how they are, and see if you can find some commonalities. It helps increase warmth and trust (and results)
To date I haven't put much weight on the "pre-business discussion" parts of conversation. They seem like a waste of time... But... It pays to be courteous!
If you both start talking, invite them to go first (lower power but higher warmth)
Usually, when I'm "on a mission", I have taken the more powerful approach of prioritising whatever my mission is. However, It pays to be courteous.
If you cut them off but keep speaking, acknowledge it: “sorry if I interrupted you man” or as soon as you’re done: “by the way I interrupted you, you wanted to say… ?” Then listen to their point
This point reminds me a lot of a pre-first round of PU me. An ex-girlfriend of mine, who helped me discover many things in life I was missing out on, was a marvellous conversationalist and a superb human being. She said many ta time that I struggle to give people any time to express what's on their mind. I don't tend to speak much, but when I do I have a tendency to hog the conversation wayyy to much. Aligns with the short-term self interest, but doesn't really offer much attention to the other person. I guess that's an indication of being attention starved to a certain degree. Action step: Pay attention to other people, give them the space to express what's important to THEM. As per Stephen Covey's advice - "seek first to understand, then to be understood".
Be curious and interested in them, ask questions
As above, I find that rather difficult at the moment. Unless there is a common thread to expand on, I really struggle. An ex-girlfriend of mine was absolutely amazing at keeping conversations going, keeping them exploratory, sharing her experiences and engaging other people until there was a common topic to explore. Action step: work through the discomfort of conversations that feel "stale". Treat it as a game to find the shared plane and build trust I remember reading this in a book, can't remember which - the analogy of going around the beach with a metal detector find something of common interest.
Self-disclosure: only asking is a common mistake for those who follow the mantra “make it about them“. Instead, make it about both. Share about yourself to avoid self-framing as an information-taker
I've not been successful recently at establishing a business relationship specifically because of the above. Cold called on a business recently to get a bit more work on my plate. Having recently not been acknowledging enough of a gatekeeper in another business, tried to keep the conversation going with her and only made her feel uncomfortable due to "excess of questions". What resulted was a loose-loose. Despite having a really good conversation with the manager, feedback from his front line stuff resulted in an email coming back indicating how uncomfortable she was made to feel by the conversation and resulting in cutting the conversation about any further involvement right there. Action step: balance is key!
Vulnerability, especially if they share something vulnerable about themselves it’s good to match
This is very true and powerful in all relationships. As per the above case study - I asked some relatively personal questions of the gate keeper not realizing that I was not sharing nearly as much... Action step: take note of how much people share and aim to at least match most of the time, especially in face to face conversations.
Self-deprecate IF appropriate and if you’re already pre-framed as high power. This is what you’ll see many Hollywood stars do to appear warmer and friendlier, since stars are already pre-framed as high power
I've done this once to a somewhat extreme level on a yacht holiday once. Though initially it was being taken with quite a lot of scepticism, as situations on the yacht involving manoeuvres and timely competent action arouse, the frame changed to a heavily self-deprecating, highly competent person - I've had a couple of ladies clearly looking to get more of me, IFYKWIM. So a great reminder: Self-deprecate with a high power frame makes you way warmer.
Give informational value: you have any good tip or news to share, do so to self-frame as an open giver
Going through this just now, I had a conversation with a recruiter in which I shared a couple of small nuggets of wisdom. She seemed to have way more goodwill at the end of the call compared to the first conversation we had.
Say something good about them: if you have anything honestly nice to say about them, do so
When I used to work on a cruise ship as a front line sales person, I made it a point to notice and compliment people whenever I noticed something I genuinely liked. After the first few days, it was surprisingly straight-forward to notice and it was a great conversation starter! Action step: whenever you think - oh, I like that - make a point of sharing it!
Be courteous to staff and waiters -no need to overdo it, and a “good morning”, a smile, and a thank you are enough-
Basic acknowledgment goes a long way, that's for sure! Action step: It pays to be corteous!
Low Warmth Expressions to Eliminate
Mouth with a downward shape (“I’m unhappy with life”)
I have been very guilty of this for a while. I particularly noticed it when working with a work colleague who basically had this expression plastered on him all the time. I made a commitment then not to end up looking like a "grumpy old man".
https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:371/1*sUU3I85Q4ZBh7G3EdtPCiw.png
It does become a challenge to keep a smile up, when one feels life isn't all one want it to be though...
Expressions of disgust (“you people are beneath me”)
This is likely another big one - and probably more of a mindset shift than anything else. It likely flashes through one face and in the way one communicates more than anything else. Action step: It pains me to write this but: respect other people...
Smugness (“I am so much better than you all”)
More of the above, its much more of a mindset shit than anything else. The reality is, I'm not where I'd like to be financially at this point, I don't have as many friends as I would like to have and my close relationships leave some things unfulfilled. So this mindset is neither justified, true nor helpful! Action step: ponder on this point more: you're not that special...
Exaggerated, overly dominant poses (use them especially sparingly in 1:1 interactions)
Physical intimidation hasn't been something I feel I have had much an excess off, but I certainly need to watch out for it!
“I’m better than you” attitude (see the “smart alec” the dominant archetypes lesson)
When going through the PU the first time, I really saw the "smart alec" archetype as something I could very easily fall into, sometimes unintentionally... Action step: ponder on this attitude further
Bottom line: there is an unhelpful unconscious attitude somewhere deep down, which I have to bring forth and grow out of. Its currently a default behaviour for me that is unhelpful on all levels of success in life.

It feels great to start to open up. There is so much I'd like to share I'm not even sure where to start.

Reading through the How to Become High-Warmth module really hits home.

There has been a number of times and a number of people that have given me feedback to date - either non-verbally or verbally that my communication and frames are overly mean and offending to people. With my professional background being mainly scientific, I have a keen eye for detail. This is what I've been noticing:

Whenever a new relationship starts, people are keen to talk to me, interact with me and a readily responsive to my "attention requests". Starting at a nominal zero-to-slightly-positive balance in their "relationship bank account" with me. However, not long after the relationship starts, I end up using up all of this credit, unwittingly, and notice a significant reduction in goodwill, willingness to meet my eye contact and respond to my requests, etc.

Taking stock isn't easy, but its key to moving forward. Sharing this for my future self and everyone here only cements that the current status quo has to change for my life to improve. The limited number of close relationships, as showcased but little to no incoming DMs, no incoming calls, limited people wanting to work with me/for me is clear testament of the current state of affairs. In the words of Ray Dalio: Embrace reality and deal with it.
If you want to become more wanted, warmth is key.

Part of the challenge from this is that I've personally very rarely experienced the feeling of being truly disrespected, and as a result haven't really considered my communication as "too cold" and "unwelcoming". And, putting myself back to the situation in which I was constantly in the presence of someone who was making me feel disrespected, I can fully appreciate how unpleasant it is. That's a story for another day.

Coming back to the core lesson

Out of the easy tips:

Flash your eyebrows upward when you first meet someone -
I try to acknowledge people whenever I see them first thing in the morning. However, when fully occupied and hyperfocused on whatever it is that's on my mind - do sometimes forget/ignore people more... Action step: take the time to greet people, it pays to be courteous!
Nod or slight head bow if appropriate and if you want to increase warmth rather than power
Same as above, but higher investment - hence becoming "closer" with the person in question... Action step: take the time to greet people, especially ones you want to be close with, it pays to be courteous!
Look at them in the eyes
Creates warmth and acknowledgment rather than creating distance...: Action step: take time to acknowledge people, it pays to be courteous!
Smile (sincerely) if appropriate
Action step: Initiate a smile, whenever you can...And always seize the opportunity to return one
Say you’re glad to meet them if it’s an introduction
This I find somewhat presumptuous personally, I don't know if I am glad to meet them... Only time will tell... But its a commonly accepted pleasantry - it pays to be courteous!
Say thank you if it’s a service worker
I tend to be courteous to service staff regardless, after all the may the evening go smoothly or otherwise.
Chit-chat before negotiations, ask how they are, and see if you can find some commonalities. It helps increase warmth and trust (and results)
To date I haven't put much weight on the "pre-business discussion" parts of conversation. They seem like a waste of time... But... It pays to be courteous!
If you both start talking, invite them to go first (lower power but higher warmth)
Usually, when I'm "on a mission", I have taken the more powerful approach of prioritising whatever my mission is. However, It pays to be courteous.
If you cut them off but keep speaking, acknowledge it: “sorry if I interrupted you man” or as soon as you’re done: “by the way I interrupted you, you wanted to say… ?” Then listen to their point
This point reminds me a lot of a pre-first round of PU me. An ex-girlfriend of mine, who helped me discover many things in life I was missing out on, was a marvellous conversationalist and a superb human being. She said many ta time that I struggle to give people any time to express what's on their mind. I don't tend to speak much, but when I do I have a tendency to hog the conversation wayyy to much. Aligns with the short-term self interest, but doesn't really offer much attention to the other person. I guess that's an indication of being attention starved to a certain degree. Action step: Pay attention to other people, give them the space to express what's important to THEM. As per Stephen Covey's advice - "seek first to understand, then to be understood".
Be curious and interested in them, ask questions
As above, I find that rather difficult at the moment. Unless there is a common thread to expand on, I really struggle. An ex-girlfriend of mine was absolutely amazing at keeping conversations going, keeping them exploratory, sharing her experiences and engaging other people until there was a common topic to explore. Action step: work through the discomfort of conversations that feel "stale". Treat it as a game to find the shared plane and build trust I remember reading this in a book, can't remember which - the analogy of going around the beach with a metal detector find something of common interest.
Self-disclosure: only asking is a common mistake for those who follow the mantra “make it about them“. Instead, make it about both. Share about yourself to avoid self-framing as an information-taker
I've not been successful recently at establishing a business relationship specifically because of the above. Cold called on a business recently to get a bit more work on my plate. Having recently not been acknowledging enough of a gatekeeper in another business, tried to keep the conversation going with her and only made her feel uncomfortable due to "excess of questions". What resulted was a loose-loose. Despite having a really good conversation with the manager, feedback from his front line stuff resulted in an email coming back indicating how uncomfortable she was made to feel by the conversation and resulting in cutting the conversation about any further involvement right there. Action step: balance is key!
Vulnerability, especially if they share something vulnerable about themselves it’s good to match
This is very true and powerful in all relationships. As per the above case study - I asked some relatively personal questions of the gate keeper not realizing that I was not sharing nearly as much... Action step: take note of how much people share and aim to at least match most of the time, especially in face to face conversations.
Self-deprecate IF appropriate and if you’re already pre-framed as high power. This is what you’ll see many Hollywood stars do to appear warmer and friendlier, since stars are already pre-framed as high power
I've done this once to a somewhat extreme level on a yacht holiday once. Though initially it was being taken with quite a lot of scepticism, as situations on the yacht involving manoeuvres and timely competent action arouse, the frame changed to a heavily self-deprecating, highly competent person - I've had a couple of ladies clearly looking to get more of me, IFYKWIM. So a great reminder: Self-deprecate with a high power frame makes you way warmer.
Give informational value: you have any good tip or news to share, do so to self-frame as an open giver
Going through this just now, I had a conversation with a recruiter in which I shared a couple of small nuggets of wisdom. She seemed to have way more goodwill at the end of the call compared to the first conversation we had.
Say something good about them: if you have anything honestly nice to say about them, do so
When I used to work on a cruise ship as a front line sales person, I made it a point to notice and compliment people whenever I noticed something I genuinely liked. After the first few days, it was surprisingly straight-forward to notice and it was a great conversation starter! Action step: whenever you think - oh, I like that - make a point of sharing it!

Be courteous to staff and waiters -no need to overdo it, and a “good morning”, a smile, and a thank you are enough-
Basic acknowledgment goes a long way, that's for sure! Action step: It pays to be corteous!

Low Warmth Expressions to Eliminate

Mouth with a downward shape (“I’m unhappy with life”)
I have been very guilty of this for a while. I particularly noticed it when working with a work colleague who basically had this expression plastered on him all the time. I made a commitment then not to end up looking like a "grumpy old man".
https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:371/1*sUU3I85Q4ZBh7G3EdtPCiw.png
It does become a challenge to keep a smile up, when one feels life isn't all one want it to be though...
Expressions of disgust (“you people are beneath me”)
This is likely another big one - and probably more of a mindset shift than anything else. It likely flashes through one face and in the way one communicates more than anything else. Action step: It pains me to write this but: respect other people...
Smugness (“I am so much better than you all”)
More of the above, its much more of a mindset shit than anything else. The reality is, I'm not where I'd like to be financially at this point, I don't have as many friends as I would like to have and my close relationships leave some things unfulfilled. So this mindset is neither justified, true nor helpful! Action step: ponder on this point more: you're not that special...
Exaggerated, overly dominant poses (use them especially sparingly in 1:1 interactions)
Physical intimidation hasn't been something I feel I have had much an excess off, but I certainly need to watch out for it!
“I’m better than you” attitude (see the “smart alec” the dominant archetypes lesson)
When going through the PU the first time, I really saw the "smart alec" archetype as something I could very easily fall into, sometimes unintentionally... Action step: ponder on this attitude further

Bottom line: there is an unhelpful unconscious attitude somewhere deep down, which I have to bring forth and grow out of. Its currently a default behaviour for me that is unhelpful on all levels of success in life.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#10 · October 27, 2023, 2:57 pm

Just throwing some ideas that may or may not apply:

Some people may truly feel better than others, in which case the solution may be more "positive humbleness" or relativity -ie."I'm better at this, they may be better at that"-. Or my favorite: "it doesn't matter who's "better" or "more", it's all about what you do with it, and what you do in life"
It may be a defense mechanism, in which case to address it one may have to go through a phase where he feels less (mentally) strong and like he's weakening himself. But in the long run, he will likely gain at the end of the journey
It may be an unconscious shortcut to self-esteem where one sticks to thinking and acting like he's better, so to feel strong/superior. Same as above for the journey.

It's worth noting that there are some benefits to thinking and acting "better than others".

Feeling and acting superior is often better than feeling and acting inferior and having low self-steem.

And, in some more limited circumstances, maybe the way to go.

Some gurus attain power and authority with that strategy -and the sheep who don't see power dynamics happily oblige and follow-.

But as you and most people here by now know, there are important limitations to it -including making more enemies and fewer friends/allies with other high power people who don't like being treated as "less than"-.

And ultimately a more resilient/antifragile self-esteem and adding warmth tends to be (much) superior.

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Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.