Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 1, 2023, 12:51 pm

Good goin J Les!

LOL, note taken on the popups.

I think those popups should disappear when you click on the side and I remember having done the "X" more visible.
But probably it's not working as I had hoped, mental note done and as soon as I get any other feedback on that or see the same happening on my mobile I'll fix it.

Now some random thoughts I had and a few 2 cents.

On this one:

Quote from J Les on November 1, 2023, 11:40 am

Barman re-engages in conversation after turning music down: Did you come from "the special event"? (clearly assuming that I'm part of the out of town crowd) 
Me: No, actually, I've lived nearby for a while, but never been. How come? (in the moment not realising that the reason for the question was my attire on the night)
Barman: Just asking. Are those glasses yours mate? (finishing the thread of the opener and shifting the focus to the glasses on the floor)
Me: No, they are not mine.
Barman: Can you pass them over to me? (tasking me, to clean up the bar that he's responsible for... there is no-one else in the bar, he has certainly seen them before I came in, could have put his phone away, move his ass and pick them up himself... is all thoughts that came to me straight after. However, in the moment the best I had was)
Me: (Just as I went to sit down) In a minute... (not the best, but reasonable response. Being the helpful human being that I aim to be, I had to fight the urge to get it done straight away to empower myself. More work to do on this front, but wasn't as terrible as executing straight away and giving all the power away)

 

Yeah, I think you did very well fro thinking on your feet.

Another option:

You: actually, I was planning to plop my ass here and do fuck all the all night mate (smile as you say it: it's a high power joke)

The sound of it is a bit aggressive.
But it's not aggressive towards him, so it's a lot more acceptable/smoother in that sense.

And for this one:

Barman Did you come from "the special event"? (clearly assuming that I'm part of the out of town crowd) 

I'd personally never say "no" there, even if the answer is "no".

It breaks the flow.
And the question back makes the exchange less smooth.

I'd say something like:

Actually, I was living near here, so still got some connections and good memories.

It's implied that it's no.
But one, this carries the conversation forward more smoothly.
And it's a bit higher power since it's a stronger frame of "I'm from around here, got connections", which is generally higher power and more strategic.

Finally, consider that he may have asked you for the glasses also to rebalance things.

This one: "it;s really rather loud here, I was told I could enjoy a drink in a quiet space down here, could you turn it down?" is quite strong. And puts him in a "powerless spot" where he has to conform to someone else who said something that he has no idea about.

I'd have power protected more with something like:

You: "hey man, it's a bit loud and I was hoping to chill a minute, would it be possible to... "

Quote from J Les on November 2, 2023, 12:13 pm

Thank you Lucio :)

I'm glad you're entertained by the pop-ups comment :D
I struggled to find the x on mobile a number of times now... Alas, if you get a chance to look at that, that'd be much appreciated. No worries if you have other priorities though (power protecting, using the key takeaway already - feeling proud of myself right now :D )

On this one:

Another option:

You: actually, I was planning to plop my ass here and do fuck all the all night mate (smile as you say it: it's a high power joke)

I love this alternative - high power joke - thanks for that.

 

Here:

And for this one:

Barman Did you come from "the special event"? (clearly assuming that I'm part of the out of town crowd) 

I'd personally never say "no" there, even if the answer is "no".

It breaks the flow.
And the question back makes the exchange less smooth.

I'd say something like:

Actually, I was living near here, so still got some connections and good memories.

Now that you said the above, the "no" lesson on PU comes to mind. It does break the flow and rapport quite a lot.
I think I may have implied a no and phrased it a little different, but that's how I recalled the conversation as when writing up the post.

No wander there was not much conversation following that exchange with the barman no. 3! Alas, live and learn...

And this last one:

Finally, consider that he may have asked you for the glasses also to rebalance things.

This one: "it;s really rather loud here, I was told I could enjoy a drink in a quiet space down here, could you turn it down?" is quite strong. And puts him in a "powerless spot" where he has to conform to someone else who said something that he has no idea about.

I'd have power protected more with something like:

You: "hey man, it's a bit loud and I was hoping to chill a minute, would it be possible to... "

And this is the absolute KEY feedback for me - THANK YOU LUCIO.
I think this is where I keep going wrong and causing unnecessary withdrawals in my social bank accounts with people, upsetting them, turning them off unnecessarily and making them cold rather than encouraging further interactions.

I've had a number of situations in which, unwittingly, I've put people down in "powerless spots" and possibly made them feel disrespected as result, without having intent of coming across that way.
KEY MENTAL NOTE: power protect more, especially with people, with whom there is no notional power differential in the background context.

Quote from J Les on November 2, 2023, 1:34 pm

Before I continue with the above night, I feel the need to reflect on the Examples and Case studies in PU, as I've had another enlightening moment whilst going through it last night.

So bare with - this journal might jump from one subject to another, but I promise to get back to the night out story soon!

https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/examples-case-studies/topic/crooked-case-studies/

Reflecting on Lucio's early years betrayal, it seems I've been behaving way to often like the stories Francesco.

For me, this story really resonated to my school years and explains why, at least in the social hierarchy, I consistently (at least at the time) ended up towards the back end of the list. I certainly struggled with popularity /warmth from my peers in school.
Even to the point of, despite being a fit, athletic, physically strong individual  as well as being competent at sports (football, basketball, volleyball, etc.) - being picked last for the "team" when the PE teacher arranged for two team captains to choose... I've been wandering why that was... Well, now I know - I've been mostly , at least from the outside looking in, out for myself and had no "social loyalty" to the peer group and as a result was considered too high a risk for the team, even despite high competence in the particular context.

I have, on occasions, been "the guy" to remind the teacher(s) about homework they forgot about. Yeah..... "that guy".
Thankfully, I learned this one pretty quickly.

However, some of the more nuanced things around group belonging (peers ahead of teachers), protecting and keeping family and friends "safe" socially, escaped me for waaaay to long. I'm not the proudest to say, I only relatively recently had an experience that really brought out the strong inner drive to want to "protect" and "provide". That's a story for another day though (J Les mind queue - miss america) . They key takeaway stands.  Because this hasn't been clearly articulated and laid out for me (or given an example of in childhood), my behaviour has completely been ignoring this very key part of social dynamics. To have friends, create good will and add value to people's lives they have to KNOW that you're there for them, protecting them, and loyal to them (that's the internal, less visible element, which is true to a large degree for me as far as my system of internal values),  but JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, they have to FEEL it from ones communication and way of behaving...

Thinking through this actually spawned up a memory very akin to how Francesco behaved with Lucio...
In my case though, it was my mom... go figure...So it hits rather close to home for me...
Possibly why I've struggled with this so much. But first things first:

A little bit of context.

When I was learning to read and write, I had a lot of trouble with spelling. It sounded right when you read it, I thought, so its good enough. However, it wasn't good enough for my teachers, nor for my parents. Queue a lot of painful spelling bee practices and effort to get me "to spell right". Due to it being a different language at the time as well, the challanges were (at least as far I can gauge) larger than English.

Nevertheless - after a lot of practice I got a bit better and was more readily able to express myself with the written word. And one day, being a kid that's struggled with peers, as we've seen above, I got very upset about something. The key details escape me now, but suffice it to say, I was feeling terrible.

I decided to use this newly developed medium of expression to write out my emotions, what happened, why I was feeling, who I was feeling about, etc.
A personal journal, on little post it notes, written at the height of the emotion's that run through me at the time. Basically spilling my heart out onto the little paper notes, rather than telling anyone...
So far so good right...?

Well, I left those notes on my little desk that I had a the time next to all my homework in my room. I probably felt enough of an emotional release in the process itself to allow my brains attention to be caught by something else. And so, the little, very personal notes, written in super small letters, I left out on display for anyone and everyone who would happen to come into my room and look at my desk.

Little did I know what would happen next...

This was a while ago, so I don't remember the exact time frame of the discovery. The rather painful discovery.

My mum read through all my hearts outpourings, written in black pen and.... corrected all my mis-spellings with a red one...

I have no recollection of there being a conversation of "oh, what's happened at school", "oh, you've been really upset by xyz" or anything of the sort...

What I got for making my feelings know to a piece of paper, and the clearly my mom, was another spelling mark...

(NB. I shed a few tears whilst writing this.)

So yeah, no wander I've struggled to know how to behave to make sure others know that I care for them, I want the best for them and express myself in a way that keeps them on my side rather than as enemies...

I've not really shared this with anyone, other than possibly a therapist at one point, so it feels really good to get it off my chest and put in proper context.

Keep tuned in for more...

Quote from J Les on November 9, 2023, 9:47 pm

I've still got a story to finish from the night out last week, but going through a lesson in PU I got really irked and wasn't sure where a good place to mention it was.

 

So decided here is as good as any place... 

Quoting from the lesson
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/social-power-101/topic/power-negotiation-101-self-defense-and-power-protecting/

 

4. He frames imposes, says that “nono, they’re cool guys, it’s just that Italy is full of thieves”
You, re-empowering self-defense 4: you go meta and say that “to say to someone that where they come from is full of thieves sounds offensive. I think Italy is a great place. But this isn’t a question about Italy. The question is how people relate to each other. And I’d never want to offend you because I prefer being on friendly terms with you”

 

"I’d never want to offend you because I prefer being on friendly terms with you”

 

 

Seems overly restrictive on oneself and could lead to having to not "offend" someone's feelings one doesn't agree with.  (I'm thinking a woke feminist/overly sensitive person making a scene.)

Possibly a better phrasing, which also puts more emphasis on what the "attacker" in the context of this situation has done would be:

"I don't go round intentionally offending people (a stern disapproving look) , because I prefer being on friendly terms wherever I go ( neutral facial expression, as though giving an olive branch)"

Thoughts?

 

PS. Not sure why the start is red - tried to force it black briefly without much success...

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 9, 2023, 10:32 pm

Hmm good poin.

I immediately went to check the lesson thinking "that sounds way too weak, what the hell was I thinking".

And then I realized it was part of an exchange.

And the previous one was:

nobody stole anything from me, maybe your friends look like gullible marks

So, yeah, there was already a stronger push-back before.

I think that depending on the situation, the original one you quote can work.

For example, when talking to a higher-ranking man who's drunk a bit too much at the company party and you want to be more on the polite/cautious end, and see if he apologizes when you give him the chance.

Still, you have a great point, and I made it a bit stronger now, thank you for bringing this up!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 9, 2023, 10:35 pm

P.S.:

And with that, you earned an addition to the "TPM/PU official contributors" and added your nickname at the bottom of the "Start Here" page :)

Quote from J Les on November 9, 2023, 10:52 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 9, 2023, 10:32 pm

Hmm good poin.

I immediately went to check the lesson thinking "that sounds way too weak, what the hell was I thinking".

And then I realized it was part of an exchange.

And the previous one was:

nobody stole anything from me, maybe your friends look like gullible marks

So, yeah, there was already a stronger push-back before.

I think that depending on the situation, the original one you quote can work.

For example, when talking to a higher-ranking man who's drunk a bit too much at the company party and you want to be more on the polite/cautious end, and see if he apologizes when you give him the chance.

Still, you have a great point, and I made it a bit stronger now, thank you for bringing this up!

That's a very good point. Considering the complete exchange - the strength of the 4th pushback doesn't necessarily need that big of a bite back.

I guess that's a note to myself - calibration is key. When I notice things I, currently, have a tendency to go a little on the harsh end...

I guess a softer approach, without being restrictive on oneself could be omitting the part that irked me in particular, hence going from:

The question is how people relate to each other. And I’d never want to offend you because I prefer being on friendly terms with you”

To:

The question is how people relate to each other.  I prefer being on friendly terms with you”

Quote from J Les on November 9, 2023, 10:53 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 9, 2023, 10:35 pm

P.S.:

And with that, you earned an addition to the "TPM/PU official contributors" and added your nickname at the bottom of the "Start Here" page 🙂

I'm honoured - very kind of you @Lucio. I'll aim to live up to that title with further contributions :)

Quote from J Les on November 11, 2023, 9:47 pm

Ehh... So I wrote a pretty comprehensive analysis of an exchange that came just in time for when I've been reading on Power Showdowns...
Only to have it error out on submitting and lost everything I typed...

Alas, try again:

I'm currently in the process of getting rid of some excess things and I'm looking to be rid of a dinning set (table and chairs).
Well, openning onself up to the public to be contacted has all sorts of possiblities both good and bad.

Here is a conversation that I had today, which is very much contextual to my most recent stuides of Power Showdowns.
B: Buyer
M: Me

Exchange starts pretty standard:

B: Is this still available?
M: Yes, location, when would you like to have a look (standard response for me, looking to have the furniture picked up from mine and attempting to encourage openly a visit)
B: Any chance to deliver for me (fair request, may not have transport)
M: Paid up front only (straight away indicating I'm willing potentially, but for a price)
B: I will gonna pay extra
M: With delivery charge and no returns. Where are you? (its used furniture, an incomplete set - which is advertised as such and discounted - I don't want a come back. Ending on a transaction moving forward question)

B: Yes. -Rough Location- (confirms, provides location, this might be a goer - location isn't too far)
M: What's the full address?

B: -full location-
B: You can do today
B: ?
B: I will gonna pay xyz for table and chairs and for delivery yxz extra
B: Happy

Seems like a high investment communication, this is going well, lets make a complete offer and move forward I think.

M: xyz total today - just to confirm - 3 chairs as pictured and table with the damage as shown
M: And you're happy to PayPal half before I leave
M: -email for payment-

This is where the conversation turns from a decent collaboration, to a whole host of power moves...

B: Brother all cash (plays a "fake familiarity" card with "familial association" - god I hate those from random people...)
B: Nothing affront (goes back on the agreed frame)

Some intentional delay, as I am now somewhat annoyed with that change of tack - going back to my basic - cash on collection offer)

M: No probs. Cash is collection only -location - I've been burned in past

B: Okay brother leave it your not seriously (another failed attempt to play on familial relations and disrespectful remark of me "not being serious")
B: Come here bring and take your fucking money (attempt at tasking and an attempt to use vulgar language to create more urgency)
B: What business about - xyz amount of money- ? Please realise mate

I put my phone away not really wanting to deal with this person anymore.

B: ??
B: Come ?
B: Mate ?

I was basically wanting to ghost this person at this point, but thought it would be good to train so responded :)

M: I'm not your mate or brother. (disassembling his "familiarity" game ploy and not giving an inch in the, now, showdown)

B: Pall if you're interested to sell your stuff just come (another empty attempt at the "familiarity game", even though it didn't work the first time... playing on my desire to sell to get his way... but I'm not that desperate and not willing to risk my time that much)
B: Don't complain about (gaslighting to make it seem my lack of interest in taking all the risk in the transaction is complaining...)
B: Thank you (assumptive close, i guess?; not sure what this was supposed to be - but it doesn't set a giving frame... does it now...)

I read the messages above and wasn't sure what the best approach to respond were. A couple not so great ones came around:
- Fuck you
- Fuck off
- I'd rather gives these away then drive them to you
- The price is now 100x for you

But, in the true spirit of playing the games people play and enjoying life rather then turning it into a negative spiral I went with:

M: Lol - I'm good (i'm not playing your game, you know my two offers - work with me or politely goodbye)

B: In case you're changing your mind let me know (finally, empowering, collaborative language... but its too late now - you've lost all my respect and little trust you started off with)

Thank you for reading and if you have any thoughts/input to share - I'd be delighted to hear what I could have done better!