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Journal - My Renaissance Journey

Honest question: have you ever considered doing therapy?

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Yes. I'll look into it.

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Hi there JM... so you've quit cigarettes already? How many days are you into it? Either way, that is B I G and you deserve to congratulate yourself... well done!

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Quote from JM on April 4, 2021, 1:52 pm

Yes. I'll look into it.

Courageous man! 🙂

I join Lucas: you can be proud of yourself! When you feel like you're going to go for a cigarette: you could write in your journal. We support you.

Nice, good points Transitioned. I agree, they are very much aware of status and things like that. And I agree with the "rest of the time be busy with your goals". Most of the people I respect are like that.

April 4, 2021 

Last night shift was crazy exhausting. I didn't do too well, and ended up smoking a few cigarettes.

I continue to work on finding a therapist. I found out I have some insurance coverage, so this is good. Although, I might end up reallocating my financial resources towards it, since the coverage isn't much (only 4 sessions maybe?). I'll sort it out as I go forward. This means I'm most likely not going to continue this journal after this month. And will restart once I have some extra money on the side.

They also took me off the ED schedule, which means that my manager must've approved my transition to the ICU. And people are already talking about how I'm leaving...

I asked my doctor about modafinil. A smart drug. I'm waiting on his response. I already have access to it, but if I get it from him, it'll be covered by my insurance maybe. I'll need this for the future hell I'm about to plow through (ICU course).



Quote from JM on April 5, 2021, 11:55 pm

I'll need this for the future hell I'm about to plow through (ICU course).


Quick note: keep in mind that how you talk to yourself, how you frame and describe things does matter.

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Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

You're right. Okay,

It's also, a form of investment. It's a quest. A sacrifice, for a greater good. My aunt is in the ICU because of covid. That amongst other things, gives my endeavor meaning. It's my way of giving back to the people around me. I'll be better equipped to deal with the future health issues that my parents will face due to old age. And people in my inner circle, will have access to my knowledge and skills (WIIFT).

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Lucio Buffalmano

April 6, 2021

I didn't smoke cigarettes today. I focused on the things I mentioned above:

I've found a reputable looking clinical psychologist. I've scheduled an appointment starting on April 19, 2021. And I'm covered by insurance for about 4 sessions. I told him what I seeking help in.

I also spoke to my family doctor about a few things. He's willing to pursue the modafinil route with me, with some caveats. He wants me to see my new ICU schedule, and if it's anything like what I have now - we can pursue it. Of course, he wants me to do some bloodwork, an ECG, and a check up every so few months when I am on it. There's clearly some vested interest in it for him, as he gets paid with each of those services, but it's win-win.

Slowly but surely....





Hi Lucio,


I'm not sure if this is intentional or not. But, I am still able to view the reviews of products and stuff. Although, I cancelled my automated payments. I'm not able to PM you or email you, so I'll just ask about it here. And obviously, I'm able to view and type in the journal and stuff too.

Is that intentional? (If it is, thank you and if not I just wanted to make sure you knew).

And just a follow up to update my journal:

I've started in the ICU. I work there as an "extender RN" - like a support role for the critical care staff, while I study on the side. I study about 10 hours a day on my days off and even then it's just meeting requirements. Given that demand, I haven't been smoking pot since I have to be alert and on my "A" game with my ability think and process information. (I can't imagine what doctors go through!).

With that being said, I haven't smoked a cigarette for about 2 weeks. The ER environment was playing a big role (people there smoke as a culture, and there's easy access to go outside to smoke since it's outside).

I have had to prioritize studying the icu course material. Although what I have had studied from the PU material is percolating in the back of my mind during interactions. I'm currently consciously incompetent in some regards, and it's a step forward, since I'm aware of my mistakes. Particularly regarding dealing with microaggressions from other people, and improving my response.

I also have had my first session with the clinical psychologist I chose. (Thank you by the way John, for the recommendation). I'm covered for $800 for the pandemic year. It's something new they added on this year. Unfortunately these sessions are quite expensive (about $190 per session). And during my first session with the psychologist, he is open to price adjustments in favor of continuing the therapy sessions for sustainability purposes.

In the cohort group I'm with for the CC (critical care/ ICU) course, I'm with about 21 other RNs. There's only 2 guys - me included. So I decided to take a participative lead role, and facilitated creating a WhatsApp group. I'm the only guy however, and there's about 5-6 other female nurses in the WhatsApp group. And I set the tone of providing value by giving them PDF versions of the course textbook for free.

Something interesting I read about in my readings for the CC course: shared leadership roles and decision making.

I used to think about leadership positions as something that is more like "I'm the alpha and I lead". It's almost like a zero sum game. Now I've adjusted my conceptual understanding of leadership as more optimal in it being a role which can be shared. Although, I recognize that when looked at through a more primal lens, there is usually one leader (more or less) and it's often decided based on dominance and or prestige dimensions. But that's probably mitigated to a certain degree, if let's say people decide to work together to topple an overly dominant leader. In this scenario I think "shared leadership" takes precedent.

I found that concept interesting, since I psychologically have some dissonance when it comes to being the dominant one in a relationship. So this concept helps me swallow the pill of "leadership" a little easier.

I was also successful in negotiating a prescription for modafinil from my family doctor, which I very much appreciate. The unfortunate effects of shift work, and difficulties in managing sleep regulation has me exploring different management methods. One of which is modafinil. It's great for enhancing alertness and concentration during waking hours. And of course, I do bloodwork and ECGs to make sure I use it responsibly and within safety parameters. I already have access to this in another way, but it's always good to run it through my doctor since he's able to order bloodwork and ECG's to help me check my status.

Kind regards,