Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Journal - My Renaissance Journey

Yes

Ok cool. Well, first I would say you have a good draft.

Goals for 2021:

  1. Quit smoking cigarettes (already in progress)
  2. Quit smoking pot, STOP DATE June 1, 2021
  3. Finish ICU course and be a confident, competent, quality nurse (pending final acceptance, and determining the start-end date of their course)
  4. Complete Power University by July 30, 2021 (expectation is to be well versed and skilled, and not just finish reading)

There's other very important things in my mind:

  • cultivating an abundant social life (friendships and sexual life)
  • discovering what I'm passionate about.

What I would change:

  1. Make goals into OKRS, you can see the bottom of this post. I don't want to reference you to a book as I don't think it's necessary. If you want one, I can point you to one.
  2. I would put an end date for each goal
  3. I would be more specific: for instance, what skills (=observable behavior) has a confident, competent, quality nurse ? Same with discovering what you're passionate about.
  4. I think the number of your goals is fine for now. However see 5.
  5. The "other important things to keep in mind" are a distraction I think. So I would go back to categories and assign categories to each goals, see example below. From having categorized them it will give you more clarity to choose the relevant goals for this year and prevent to spread yourself too thin.

Here is an example:

Step 1, categories:

  1. Quit smoking cigarettes (already in progress): Health/Self-development
  2. Quit smoking pot, STOP DATE June 1, 2021: Health/Self-development
  3. Finish ICU course and be a confident, competent, quality nurse (pending final acceptance, and determining the start-end date of their course): Career/Mission/Purpose
  4. Complete Power University by July 30, 2021 (expectation is to be well versed and skilled, and not just finish reading): Self-development/Social skills
  5. Cultivating an abundant social life (friendships and sexual life): here we can see that there is too much: two categories: intimate relationships and friendships, so this will make yourself spread too thin
  6. Discovering what I'm passionate about: Career/Mission/Purpose

So from there, you would then see that you have actually 7 goals

  1. Quit smoking cigarettes (already in progress): Health/Self-development
  2. Quit smoking pot, STOP DATE June 1, 2021: Health/Self-development
  3. Finish ICU course and be a confident, competent, quality nurse (pending final acceptance, and determining the start-end date of their course): Career/Mission/Purpose
  4. Complete Power University by July 30, 2021 (expectation is to be well versed and skilled, and not just finish reading): Self-development/Social skills
  5. Cultivating an abundant social life in friendship: social life
  6. Cultivating an abundant social life in sexual relationships: love life
  7. Discovering what I'm passionate about: Career/Mission/Purpose

Now we can see you have too many goals because each goals will ask you a series of actions. And this will lead to the headless chicken syndrome. So now you're the one who has to choose 3-5 goals among these ones. I would choose them based on the domino effect by answering this question: what goal would make all the other goals easier to achieve? That is your lead domino. Generally speaking it's the career one as if you get good at your job, you get self-confidence, status, recognition, self-esteem and a livelihood. This does not have to be, though. You choose. The following is how I would do it. I explain my rationale as well.

  1. Quit smoking cigarettes (already in progress): Health/Self-development

Key goal. I would keep it. This has a snowball effect on others.

  1. Quit smoking pot, STOP DATE June 1, 2021: Health/Self-development

I think that this is not a priority as once you stopped smoking cigarettes, you will automatically smoke less pot. I would change this from a goal to a habit or a rule: "I never smoke pot by myself". This will help you remove the negative side of the habit of smoking weed. So I would remove it as a yearly goal. It does not mean that you won't do your best to attain it, but it is not in your focus. Once again if this is important for you, feel free to ignore my comment.

  1. Finish ICU course and be a confident, competent, quality nurse (pending final acceptance, and determining the start-end date of their course): Career/Mission/Purpose

To me this is your lead domino. You're free to disagree.

  1. Complete Power University by July 30, 2021 (expectation is to be well versed and skilled, and not just finish reading): Self-development/Social skills

This is quite good. It's almost an OKR. This will help you to have a better social life, so it's another lead domino.

  1. Cultivating an abundant social life in friendship: social life

Too vague, but also key to your happiness.

  1. Cultivating an abundant social life in sexual relationships: love life

This will flow from your social life. So I would not focus on it currently and remove it as a goal.

  1. Discovering what I'm passionate about: Career/Mission/Purpose

This is very very important. You either make this your lead domino or the ICU course. The question is: is it more important to find your mission or to improve your situation? You decide. Have you checked Tom Bylieu's material regarding this?

So this is from where I would start for 2021, with the foundations:

  1. Quit smoking cigarettes (already in progress): Health/Self-development
  2. Finish ICU course and be a confident, competent, quality nurse (pending final acceptance, and determining the start-end date of their course): Career/Mission/Purpose
  3. Complete Power University by July 30, 2021 (expectation is to be well versed and skilled, and not just finish reading): Self-development/Social skills
  4. Cultivating an abundant social life in friendship: social life
  5. Discovering what I'm passionate about: Career/Mission/Purpose

Now in order of improtance (example here, you decide):

  1. Finish ICU course and be a confident, competent, quality nurse (pending final acceptance, and determining the start-end date of their course): Career/Mission/Purpose
  2. Quit smoking cigarettes (already in progress): Health/Self-development
  3. Discovering what I'm passionate about: Career/Mission/Purpose
  4. Complete Power University by July 30, 2021 (expectation is to be well versed and skilled, and not just finish reading): Self-development/Social skills
  5. Cultivating an abundant social life in friendship: social life

Now let's make them into OKRS:

  1. I finish the ICU course by the (Date to be determined):
    1. I register to the course
    2. I study 30 min a day before going to work my ICU course
    3. I find a mentor who can answer my questions
  2. I quit smoking cigarettes by the ______
    1. I do a hypnosis session
    2. I read the book by Allen Carr
  3. I find my personal mission by the 31st of december 2021
    1. I do 3 online tests about career choices
    2. I read the book "Do what you are"
    3. I go for a an interview with a career specialist
  4. I master Power University by  31st of december 2021 (It takes some time to master it)
    1. I study 1 lesson each morning before going to work
    2. I do the X number of modules at least 3 times
  5. I have a social life with X friends with such and such qualities by the 31st of december 2021
    1. I contact old friends
    2. I start a new hobby
    3. I invite friends for dinner at home every week

The OKRs help you to focus on what actions you can take (the key results). There is a learning curve with it (see my failures) but this year I am already better at it. If you want more advice or feed-back from me, let me know.

Cheers!

Lucio Buffalmano and selffriend have reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmanoselffriend

Hi,

Thanks for the feedback and advice John, I appreciate it.

I went over your points, then OKR, and then looked at the post you shared. I started writing out a draft for my own goals on paper. I'll probably drop my social life goal, as it'll come about if I achieve the other goals. And most likely, I'll prioritize finding my passion. I started an OKR analysis on that.

Reflections on power:

I'm seeing power dynamics play out in the interactions I have in my life. But am a bit hesitant to execute the techniques at the risk of offending or appearing manipulative.

I am more aware of microaggressions. But need work on responding with less intensity.

I walked into my sister's house and this played out:
My sister's brother in law: Are you wearing a mask?
Me: Yea, I don't want to be rude
Him: Are you saying I'm rude?
Me: Yea, you're rude as fuck.
Sister: He works in ER (referring to me)
Me: Are you okay with me taking it off?
Sister: Yea

So here the in-law was doing a dominance thing. He's breaking rapport on purpose, and placed himself in a position of power where it presupposes I am accusing him of being rude (Loaded question). So then, it appears like I have to explain myself to him - which would be me submitting to him.
Knowing this, I chose to provoke him more by exaggerating his claim. But the better response would have been something like
"I wouldn't say rude, that's a bit harsh... inconsiderate, maybe..."

And my response to my sister shows that I'm seeking her approval. But I respect her, and I want her to be aware of that.

And also, I am more aware of the say "don't" and not "can't" rule.  I was doing that when I mentioned the travelling thing. And I also said it during a conversation today, complaining about why I can't cut my hair because of the lockdowns.

I equate respect with not offending others and being polite. I understand this is a naïve form of respect. It's the one taught by my Filipino culture. To "respect your elders". And I understand that this is "token award" for being a "good boy". I resent it in myself. Although, it's served me well in my profession. I am also becoming more aware, that to some degree I am seeking this approval from the leaders here. Yet, it still stands that I respect the people and the learning going on here.

 

 

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Hi there JM,

So the 'you're rude as fuck' was said as a joke? It's exactly the kind of thing I might say to a friend in jest...  I'm with you on the quitting nicotine - I quit cigarettes a couple of years ago, but I'm still vaping and really want to quit it once and for all... keep us posted on how you get on... I'm enjoying your journal 😉

Lucas

Lucio Buffalmano, JM and selffriend have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoJMselffriend

Dude, I'll be straight up with you. It's all good. You grew up and during the socialisation process you absorbed shit from the outside. It happened to all of us. The challenge is 1) to be aware of it 2) to identify the bullshit 3) to get rid of it. Then our lives become much more agreeable. That is my experience. I feel anger and tension in your writing. I think that more love in your close relationships would be something that would bring you a form of connection and warmth that I'm sensing is missing from your life right now. It all starts with you.

I'm inferring a lot of stuff from your writing, I hope it's all good with you? Anyway, this is my honest communication to you. Fighting the dragon is the only way. Keep going.

Cheers!

Stef and JM have reacted to this post.
StefJM

Not a bad interaction, JM.

Your answer with a big smile, would have worked great as a one-up back.

Then you could have been a bit warmer to him or added "just joking man, I hope all good with you" to reel him back in and to show you're not there to start a fight or compete with him... Just that you're not OK with him dominating you or being a dick.

I equate respect with not offending others and being polite. I understand this is a naïve form of respect.

Respect and not offending others are great... If they play by the same rules.

But it's still a good idea to start out that way, even better if mixing "warmth with power" mix.

Of course, that becomes an issue if you remain stuck with respecting and not offending others even when people seem not to deserve your graciousness.

If they don't play by the same rules, then the next step is being prepared and knowing how to handle it.

But the very first step, is in not being polite and considerate anymore, and not feeling pressure in being polite towards those who are not.

So the "not offending and being polite" is all good, as long as you don't feel forced to do it also with people who don't deserve it.

Again, the original conversation was good.

AS a matter of fact, I'd tell you: well done man!
Maybe one of your first instances of firing back, and properly answering one-up with one-up?
You can give yourself a pat on the back :).

Stef, JM and 2 other users have reacted to this post.
StefJMselffriendLorenzoE
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

And further:

You telling your sister "OK if I take it off" was perfect!

Why perfect?

Because that communicated that as long as people are behaving correctly, you're considerate.

Which is perfect timing coming right after your "you're rude as fuck", so you're saying with your actions that "you're kind and considerate... But you're ready to defend myself and throw you back shit if you throw shit first".

Now the brother-in-law is there (subconsciously) realizing: "shit, this guy shut me off when I gave him shit, and then he treats my wife so well".
Now he knows that he can't throw his weight around with you, and he also knows he can get your best side if he drops the power games. Which is exactly what you want.

Stef, JM and selffriend have reacted to this post.
StefJMselffriend
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Hi,

Day 9 of quitting cigarettes:

I was really craving a smoke today, it's always the day before work. And successfully finished the day without it.

I checked everyone's post.

Zendancer, thank you for the compliment. I will keep it up!

John, I appreciate the honesty. Although I'm not sure what to say. I can sense there's a truth there, so I'm not dismissing it. It would be a great thing. I mean, I enjoy intimacy. I'm single with not many close friends. I have my vulnerabilities. And I've done my best to keep these things in the rear-view, and focus on re-inventing myself and my life. When you say it starts with me, what do you mean specifically? (I know you mean more warmth in relationships, but what does that translate to in your mind?).

And Lucio, thank you for the encouragement! That makes sense to me. Although, I know the real game is played in the long-term, and I've yet to win the real prize!

The lot of you! I've read bits and portions of your journals, and it's nice to glimpse the world through someone else's eyes.
I've learned a thing or two perusing your journals. And in some ways, reminding me of things I've forgotten, in other ways showing me things I didn't consider.

I'll continue my reflection on today:

I worked a 12 hour shift. I was more passive-aggressive than I'd like. I need to learn to be more assertive. As John stated in his journal, I'm burdening myself when I am not being assertive, and I can show myself self-love and respect by unloading that burden.

Here's how I become passive-aggressive (me stating questions to myself here):

I work hard at work. I help my colleagues, and they don't have to ask. I'll see they are getting a new patient, and I get up off my ass, and I do their IV, and I do their ECG most of the time. I only ask for help when I'm really desperate. It saddens me at times, when I get patients and no one is there to help. But my coworker shows up, and I ask her to do the minimal. Then, my co-worker leaves for break. And while she's gone, I am covering her, and then she gets new patients. All confused and all over the place. She has two people confused, I'm getting calls from the lab about critical results. So inside, I'm feeling a bit emotionally drained by all the hundred things. Not even angry, more like passive, bittered surrender. That's where it starts. And I feel resentful that I have to do HER work. And I end up feeling like I have to do EVERYTHING, while she sits there and does nothing. That's where my honest feelings start. I don't say that to her. She can sense it, this I know. My co-workers know me well. When I'm silent, and plugging away, I'm upset. She kept asking me "are you okay?". She kept checking in on me. I know that's a power move implying she's the leader checking in on me. But I don't have the energy to fight that right now.

Then, she shows kindness and helps assess my new patient for me - she does the IV and the ECG. And this shows me, I was wrong.

I would prefer it, if the next time, I ask for help. I think if I adopt Lucas' proactive self-exposure to rejection mindset, it'll help me. I'll keep it in mind for my next few days at work. And I will actively ask people to do things for me, things I would be able to do myself. And I will try to get rejected. To face my fear of being perceived as a burden. I think the bottom of this behavior is I stew in my own self pity ? Instead of asking for help.... why don't I ask for help?  Sometimes, there's no one around. So I should look around for help? Instead of feeling self pity...
______________________________________________

I think the main focus for me will have to be around my passivity. I have to be in tune with what I want. I would feel better if I went after what I want. And I would prefer it if I went for what I want, and risk being rejected. That's better than sulking. Another factor at play here is the sense of not wanting to put up a fight, or that it's too much work - I'd rather do it all on my own, that way I'm in control. I've always opted to detach, or disengage from the discomfort. Whether it be confrontation, or intimacy with women. Maybe that's what John's referring to about lacking warmth?

 

selffriend has reacted to this post.
selffriend

Women are so well armed when it comes to power in relationships.  Caution is better than the alternative.  I d say teasing, playing silly games, surprising them with an overnight trip are good ways to be emotionally available.  Provide experiences and emotional spikes rather than hanging out together too much.  The rest of the time be busy with your goals.  They ll bitch and moan but secretly respect you.

 

 

JM and selffriend have reacted to this post.
JMselffriend
Processing...