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Justifying late replies by mentioning one was busy, or forgot
Hi Guys!
I read more than one forum post where Lucio suggested to me and others that - in situations where I or someone else would be answering someone’s email or text somewhat late - we include in our reply something to the effect of
I was busy
or
Been a long day
or
Sorry, thought I had replied to this email but I missed it
Though I read this repeatedly, so far I miss the exact power dynamics function of these; and, that’s why I tended unconsciously not to follow this specific suggestion.
In particular, I am unsure of what effect including these has, vs just replying late without justifying my “lateness”.
I guess my question derives from the thought that “I was busy” seems often a power move to imply being involved in more important things than the other person.
So my reasoning is: if I’m already responding late, I’m already somewhat “at fault”: why potentially “antagonize” the recipient with an express mention of my reason (ie being busy) for replying late?
On the other hand, why do I have to justify my late reply? In my mind, if I didn‘t reply before, it’s because I simply couldn’t.
From another side again, if the recipient was really nasty, why give him the politeness of letting him know I didn’t respond due to a situation of mine, and not let it remain in the air the possibility of inferring that I deliberately put him at the bottom of my priorities - in some cases like they had done to me?
For context, these are some threads where this came up:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 17, 2023, 6:28 pmEither tell her that, and that's none of your business, or reply in 3 days after Bella replied and say you were busy but "you think it's all good now".
Two:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 19, 2021, 2:26 amAnswer
You could text back something like:
Dear,
I think there might be a miscommunication here.
I don't do calls when I'm focusing on work because they distract me.
Let’s talk at x time
Three:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 22, 2021, 3:10 pm
Yeah, you said, probably too late now to answer that email.
BUT... You can still send that message as "by the way" the next time you're in touch.
Like:
Oh, by the way, when you said you expected a discount for family, actually, you're totally right.
Sorry I was too busy to reply, but I feel the exact same way.
So just to clarify that: it was already discounted.
Yeah, no biggies, just to let you know that.
Four:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 30, 2023, 11:15 am
Quote from Bel on May 29, 2023, 9:46 pmOFF TOPIC
I made the mistake here, and I think it's not a coincidence that the palace manager never contacted me again and I lost the further work.
I wonder if sending an acknowledgement email now, after three months, may be helpful.
I'm inching towards sending something like this for all to see:
Dear Manager,
Many thanks, even if belated, for your very kind words.
I remain at your disposal for anything and send you my kindest regards.
Bel
OFF TOPIC
Send now an email saying:
Sorry, I thought I had replied this, but now realized I missed it.
Anyway, thank you very much for the kind words and...
Then when you meet him in person, mention it very quickly with an attitude of "just want to get that out of the way" and then move on to whatever new topic.
I’ll stick to the forum rules and give it a try at my own question.
I guess that:
- in cases where the recipient was disrespectful to me first, mentioning being busy is an intended power move to recover power on my side; and, since it’s also a socially accepted justification commonly seen as courteous, it’s a net win for me; on the contrary, not including it opens a flank for my reply to be criticized as impolite (“he replied late, and did not even say why!);
- in cases where the recipient was not disrespectful, providing some kind of justification (maybe more specific than “I was busy”) is still more polite than not mentioning anything.
So this points in the direction that, on average, it’s almost always best to include a justification for replying late.
Even when the other person was a serious power mover first.
Hey Bel,
Those seem to me like a range of different scenarios.
I cannot at the time see any common thread to make a general rule that would work all across them (not beside the "general rules" we already have and that you also mention, such as: avoid thread-expanding on the lateness and power protect when you need more warmth and win-win; re-empower yourself or pull a power move and use business/lateness to gain points).
But to attempt a reply:
Quote from Bel on June 5, 2023, 2:38 amIn particular, I am unsure of what effect including these has, vs just replying late without justifying my “lateness”.
I guess my question derives from the thought that “I was busy” seems often a power move to imply being involved in more important things than the other person.
(...)
- in cases where the recipient was not disrespectful, providing some kind of justification (maybe more specific than “I was busy”) is still more polite than not mentioning anything.
- in cases where the recipient was not disrespectful, providing some kind of justification (maybe more specific than “I was busy”) is still more polite than not mentioning anything.
Yes, what you say makes sense.
Plus:
- You justify lateness when not doing so would be "off" (as in "why the hell is replying only now to this old and/or small thing")
I still would think about it more before attempting a general rule that says "it’s almost always best to include a justification for replying late."
As of now, I still think it's too situational to have an overarching "general rule".
Thank you, Lucio.
This clarifies things a bit for me.
Since for the moment I see you (almost) always including the "justification", I will try erring on the side of always including it rather than not.
And I'll report on any differences in effect.
I am starting to receive emails from different clients and counterparties where they apologize for responding late to me.
Some of these emails concern cases where I sent them some work, and did not even expect a response back from them.
And some of these "apologies" are contained in emails that are "not late", or in any case have been sent to me quicker than previous emails by the same persons.
I am taking these as signals of respect for me from these clients: ie, their apologizing for being late does not seem to be a power move.
But just to be sure, I am including here an exchange of these, with a client:
Me: Hello Mr. X,
Further to our call I am enclosing the draft of contract ...
I remain available and send you kind regards.
Two days later:
Him: Good day Attorney,
pardon me for the late reply but this week I am on vacation...
I'll send the contract to the counterparty for their exam on the content and will then update you.
Kind regards
This points in the direction that we discussed above, ie apologizing for late replies can be used as a sign of respect, to show respect.
In this case above, the client did not have to respond to me at all. And his email is not technically "late", being only two days from mine.
Happy to read if I'm missing something or interpreting it wrongly.
Yeah, the justification itself is a signal of respect.
(Maybe this is what was missing in the original explanation of this dynamic?)
The general sign of respect VS power move:
- Justifying it (ie.: WHY I was late, vs general "sorry I was busy" that's more of a brush-off)
- Non-necessary reply: it fills the time gap to maintain the communication ongoing
From a recent TPM tweet (started using Twitter threads for quick thoughts and notes BTW):
Thank you Lucio, this is helpful for me as well.
I was stuck in a conundrum that this solved: I thought that if I justified the late reply it was implying "I was busy" so I was not justifying it.
When I read your example Bel (vacation), it does sound respectful/power protecting. It implies: "if this did not come up I would have answered you earlier" so it almost sub communicate: "you are a priority. However at this moment I did have to make another choice, but you matter to me so I disclose private information to you (empowering you to judge the justification)".
Thank you very much Bel for bringing up this topic, very helpful!
Thank you, Lucio.
It's very very helpful to have this breakup of the differences.
And, thank you, John.
The breakup of subcommunication in the email I received is incredibly helpful.
I have another example of an email I received.
This time, the person sending me this email did not include the "justification for lateness" - but I still interpreted it as a kind gesture rather than a power move.
Context: I solicited a bank employee to go on and have the bank send some letters (as previously agreed) to move a matter forward. He answered me that he had received the ok of the bank direction and would have the letters sent asap.
Two weeks later, not having received anything, I sent him this:
Me: Good evening Mr Y,
I am following up your email of ... to ask for confirmation that the letters have been mailed, so that we can proceed with the next steps and close the matter quickly.
Yours truly
He answered two working days later:
Him: Good day,
apologizing for the late reply, I confirm I sent the letters for shipment on the date of ... through the internal postal service.
Usually within a week they are received by our mailing center and then mailed.
Kind regards
I took this email as a sign of respect as well, and not a power move, probably because:
- his apologizing for answering "late" was in the context of a "non-late reply" (only two working days)
- he included a detailed explanation of why I could still not have received the letters.
Yes, to me he's communicating: "I'm sorry that you did not get it in time (sincere apology). I did my job (Honest signal, he's reliable) so you can count on me. Here is the probable reason (so you have as much information as me on the situation: honest disclosure so it's empowering)."
Yeah, also sign of respect.
Though an important note:
If someone is often in the position of having to justify his lateness, also consider you may be writing too much, or asking him for too many confirmations.
In general, if it's in the client's best interest to send something, you often safely expect he will.
Thanks everyone this has been really interesting. I ve always got emails like this where I thought cool or that's off. Now I know why.
I m going to coat tail a bit coz I think it's bang on topic but from opposite viewpoint.
Got an email from a GM asking progress on some task she d emailed me. No convo straight tasking. The chasing email was same assuming I was tardy with some priority she set.
I replied.
Thank you Diane - much appreciated. (This was for a bit her team were helping us on)
This was next on my list. The focus has been getting the customer communications runs out in a timely manner. That is in a good place now so I can take up these actions.
What I was trying for was overall was repectful but no pushover:
- no nonsense Exec like comms style
- saying it would get done
- subtext of i decide my priorities
That was the public bit with all the CCs. Then of course i hit her up on chat and asked about the detail of the doings. To avoid her arcing up on the email chain and show early value. First time i d worked with her
To give the context I work wwith3 GMs so if I tried to jump on every whim I d self destruct.
