Kellvo's Journal - Forging a New Purpose After Gaining Power

#41 · December 14, 2021, 1:23 am

On the bright side, I'm getting back into my Game groove, bit by bit. It's fun to give myself space to flirt with everyone, in that active, high energy and high power way I love. The cool thing is that this is also great for getting to know guys. The gym is a great place for meeting high-quality people (as well as the church and school, but that's another time). I started this week off slow, being honest with my failures from above, but at the same time not clinging to it, her or the situation at hand. Instead I am wide open, vibrant and proactive, getting back into the groove of expanding myself again. I feel good.

This is also a GREAT opportunity to practice power moves awareness in detail and start learning some Game too. I know I am received well by a lot of ladies and I am confident with some grooming, getting into state and studying + applying a few tactics that I will see results. I am confident in my ability to grow from my setbacks and take on the challenges at hand. I also took time to let go of a lot of what I mentioned above, moralistic judgment and clinging to the past and all that stuff, and now I am free, clear and strong.

Of course, I know with women, her and others, that the field can change fast depending on what I am putting out, and I am seeing opportunities to build connections, practice with more ladies and create new cool friends. I'm enjoying regaining momentum and studying the things I am passionate about again - social skills especially. I'm looking forward to the next challenge at hand!

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#42 · December 14, 2021, 2:14 am

Quote from Kellvo on December 13, 2021, 9:32 pm

Likewise, Lucio!

This whole experience with the lady I mentioned is giving me the space to grow in so many ways. I'm reading Power Dynamics 101: Foundations of Effective Dating right now and I just realized, whooooo boy, I was operating WAY too high on the Power to Warmth spectrum! A lot of it was out of genuine (subconscious) disgust; far beyond just fleeting revenge, I wanted to drive her out of my life and make it clear she couldn't do it again.

Yeah, it did sound like that :).

But hey, if you were disgusted, it might have been fair.
And you're learning from it.

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#43 · December 14, 2021, 2:58 am

Absolutely. I'm finding your Power University posts quite enlightening! I know with utter certainty that nothing is coming of it. She is extremely receptive to me, I observed - she has involuntarily moved to look and flirt before consciously aware, has mimicked and taken on many of my personality traits and mannerisms and rapidly adjusts to the energy and emotions I put out. She has qualified herself, sexually engaged me, and sought to improve her presentation. The potential is there and there were many windows. But, correct, I do feel disgusted and I see my immediate and long-term potential; furthermore, I am in no hurry to find a mate. I'm playing the long game; I know, that as I continue to grow and contribute value to the world, I will attract a woman of far higher quality.

Knowing this, I am quite content to leave her behind.

Finally, a sincere question - I seem to repeatedly get into tugs-of-war with high-power women who both seek to dominate and are attracted to me. This typically ends in me crushing them (if aggressive) or stuck in a deadlock (if more assertive). Neither is favorable; even if I don't want anything of that, I believe in maintaining good terms as it's much less costly for everyone involved. Clearly there's something to be learned here. How do I effectively manage such women in a way that is both respectful and powerful?

#44 · December 14, 2021, 5:30 am

Quote from Kellvo on December 14, 2021, 2:58 am

Finally, a sincere question - I seem to repeatedly get into tugs-of-war with high-power women who both seek to dominate and are attracted to me. This typically ends in me crushing them (if aggressive) or stuck in a deadlock (if more assertive). Neither is favorable; even if I don't want anything of that, I believe in maintaining good terms as it's much less costly for everyone involved. Clearly there's something to be learned here. How do I effectively manage such women in a way that is both respectful and powerful?

How about upfront talk (surfacing), with collaborative frames?

For example:

Hey X,

What's with all these games we're playing (say "you" if she is playing more games and if you want to go higher power, but then you'll have to push more before reaching the "let's drop the arms" part).

When she replies "what do you mean", you go:

Yeah, you know what I mean, all the games (it's often better not to list them or people feel self-conscious and will deny just to save face).
How about we cut out all of that and be kinder to each other.
Because I actually think you're an awesome person

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#45 · December 15, 2021, 12:44 am

Quote from Kellvo on December 15, 2021, 12:44 am
That is definitely an approach I will take in the future. I thought nonverbally communicating that I wouldn't put up with anything, taking a hard-line approach to any form of disrespect and manipulation, and ruthlessly correcting any win/lose behavior upfront was the best way to solve the situation and move to a more win/win frame.

I was mistaken. Punitive behavior and negative reinforcement have their time and place, yes, but in limited doses and always followed by warmth and leadership in a more positive direction after. I was acting like a harsh disciplinarian, a very strict father, when I needed to mix in some warmth as well. A dad, for example, who does not show love to his unruly children, even if punishment is justified, creates resentment, rebellion and/or broken children. It is a good thing that this behavioral pattern is being intercepted now before I have a relationship or children.

I fully accept the consequences of my actions and work to turn back and balance it. I created a lot of fallout and poisoned a lot of wells over the years, and especially now. I'm the first to admit that I can be terribly heartless, ruthless, and cold. Not out of any sense of joy in hurting or dominating others, but in the sense of being so utterly, relentlessly focused on my mission, goals and drives that I forget about the people around me.

I forget most aren't as strong as me. I forget that hearts and emotions are often fragile things. And I forget that there are gray areas between fully getting along and full-blown social warfare. I have a natural instinct for war, and I'm very good at it; it's the deescalating part that I have trouble with. I can be extremely dangerous without even trying; I often don't know my own strength. Creating peaceful, win-win solutions after, especially when my first tendency is to go full-on scorched earth, is very difficult for me.

I'm naturally extremely masculine - driven, focused, ambitious, determined, strong, hardy, resolute, purposeful, committed, commanding and many more. I easily project a lot of power in every way. It's easy to go all-out. Moderating it is much harder for me; I'm not very good at finesse. I'm great at being very attractive in every way, but the subtle back-and-forth of socialization and flirting is where I am weakest. I am putting in the work to learn from and grow through this, and I am confident that I am becoming a better man for it. If anyone has any resources or suggestions here for doing, including blog and/or Power University articles, I am sincerely all ears! 🙂

That is definitely an approach I will take in the future. I thought nonverbally communicating that I wouldn't put up with anything, taking a hard-line approach to any form of disrespect and manipulation, and ruthlessly correcting any win/lose behavior upfront was the best way to solve the situation and move to a more win/win frame.

I was mistaken. Punitive behavior and negative reinforcement have their time and place, yes, but in limited doses and always followed by warmth and leadership in a more positive direction after. I was acting like a harsh disciplinarian, a very strict father, when I needed to mix in some warmth as well. A dad, for example, who does not show love to his unruly children, even if punishment is justified, creates resentment, rebellion and/or broken children. It is a good thing that this behavioral pattern is being intercepted now before I have a relationship or children.

I fully accept the consequences of my actions and work to turn back and balance it. I created a lot of fallout and poisoned a lot of wells over the years, and especially now. I'm the first to admit that I can be terribly heartless, ruthless, and cold. Not out of any sense of joy in hurting or dominating others, but in the sense of being so utterly, relentlessly focused on my mission, goals and drives that I forget about the people around me.

I forget most aren't as strong as me. I forget that hearts and emotions are often fragile things. And I forget that there are gray areas between fully getting along and full-blown social warfare. I have a natural instinct for war, and I'm very good at it; it's the deescalating part that I have trouble with. I can be extremely dangerous without even trying; I often don't know my own strength. Creating peaceful, win-win solutions after, especially when my first tendency is to go full-on scorched earth, is very difficult for me.

I'm naturally extremely masculine - driven, focused, ambitious, determined, strong, hardy, resolute, purposeful, committed, commanding and many more. I easily project a lot of power in every way. It's easy to go all-out. Moderating it is much harder for me; I'm not very good at finesse. I'm great at being very attractive in every way, but the subtle back-and-forth of socialization and flirting is where I am weakest. I am putting in the work to learn from and grow through this, and I am confident that I am becoming a better man for it. If anyone has any resources or suggestions here for doing, including blog and/or Power University articles, I am sincerely all ears! 🙂

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#46 · December 17, 2021, 5:41 am

Quote from Kellvo on December 17, 2021, 5:41 am
Okay, everyone. I'm the first to admit that I'm at the low point, the 'I-don't know what to do' point. Not in a depressed way or anything like that - just honestly admitting that the methods and personality I clung to are not enough and I need to surrender, let go and learn more.

In life in general, and this reflected on everything - my approach to the challenges in life, to learning new things, to fitness, to personal development, to friendships and women and more was from a raw warrior 'I'm gonna get it' mindset. And that's good for some situations. The thing is, I often forgot about the human beings involved in the process. I blinded myself to what people were feeling. And I failed to notice the subtleties because I was 100% focused on the mission, on the next goal, on the next challenge and adventure and obstacle to overcome that I instinctively pushed aside and/or steamrolled anyone I saw as getting in the way of that.

In that worldview, I had no time for love or even sex. I was a total, relentless machine, effortlessly converting all my sexual energy into forward-moving power. Extremely strong, cast-iron Frame, greatly magnetic, impregnable and unalterable. There was no way into my heart because it was all devoted to the purpose at hand. While I'm in this state, there is barely any space for a lady to enter, nor any willingness to compromise, empathize, or otherwise understand her. It sees the power dynamics mentioned above not as a dance to be led through to mutual victory, but as an obstacle to be ignored, cast aside or annihilated on the way to the next goal.

From that worldview, it's easy to understand many things - for example, why some women would simultaneously be extremely attracted to yet intimidated by me; they would both show intense interest and seek to either tear me down or flee from me. Even when I was talking with women I knew were intensely attracted to me, that I would find attractive in another frame, I felt nothing - no sexual arousal, emotional interest or desire for connection - just a raw, relentless passion for whatever mission I was pursuing. I was just having fun casually talking with them, expressing myself in the moment and focusing on the larger goal even when I knew intellectually they wanted more.

My heart, at its core, is animalistic and raw. It is wild, feral, passionate, instinctual, vigorous, expansive, adventurous and entirely at home with challenge, struggle and conflict. It is utterly committed to a purpose and capable of immense activity, yet utterly calm in the moment and cool under fire. It is very primal; without a God to follow and/or another moral framework, it is utterly amoral. It is both nurturing and savage; it is utterly self-sufficient and complete in itself. It is something I absolutely love living through. It is also something that is ultimately uncivilized, untamed and tranquil yet ferocious to the core; it instinctually gets dominance, it understands reproduction but has no understanding of romantic love.

Actually, it is capable of that, yet is utterly, serenely detached - enjoying the moment, yet not missing the lady if she's gone. Its happiness comes from within, from a primal power and vigor, from connection to instincts and a larger power, reaching up to the divine. It believes in making a positive impact on others yet is fundamentally detached from them. It is elemental, a raw force of nature, a kinetic agent of constant forward movement and creation and power. When I'm accessing this in its most positive aspect, it is utterly devoted to God, to a larger cause, to a deeper commitment and vibrant passion and drive for life. There is a savage purity; there is no space for lust to enter because all my sexual energy is focused and transmuted on the goal.

The honest answer then and now is that I feel no sense of loss in regards to her or the mistakes I have made - only taking accountability, a will to learn and improve and a deep sense of peace and vitality. The only kind of woman able to reach me here is someone who is truly devoted to God and purpose and a passion of her own; attempting to appeal to me with lust, or coerce me with manipulation, at best gets you nothing, at worse trampled on without me even trying. I am utterly independent and clean, full of vitality and purpose and power. I love the feeling of my energy rising again; I am learning so much about Power Dynamics during this couple of weeks spent in a lower and conflicting state. It was highly educational.

So what am I going to do from here, besides keep on ascending? I'm going to recognize this situation in the broader scope and handle it in a win-win way; at the same time, I remain focused utterly on my God and my goals. I have seen a future where I keep progressing towards Him, where I am leading others well and getting stronger in every way; I am running businesses and coaching others. I am learning Power Dynamics well and using it for good; I have a great circle of friends which we are doing many great things with. And I see a truly eloquent, bright, happy, chaste, graceful high-quality lady in the future, like those that deeply inspired me in the past (and were married to incredible men) who I am building a family and empire alongside.

I'm excited to put in the steps to make this reality.

Okay, everyone. I'm the first to admit that I'm at the low point, the 'I-don't know what to do' point. Not in a depressed way or anything like that - just honestly admitting that the methods and personality I clung to are not enough and I need to surrender, let go and learn more.

In life in general, and this reflected on everything - my approach to the challenges in life, to learning new things, to fitness, to personal development, to friendships and women and more was from a raw warrior 'I'm gonna get it' mindset. And that's good for some situations. The thing is, I often forgot about the human beings involved in the process. I blinded myself to what people were feeling. And I failed to notice the subtleties because I was 100% focused on the mission, on the next goal, on the next challenge and adventure and obstacle to overcome that I instinctively pushed aside and/or steamrolled anyone I saw as getting in the way of that.

In that worldview, I had no time for love or even sex. I was a total, relentless machine, effortlessly converting all my sexual energy into forward-moving power. Extremely strong, cast-iron Frame, greatly magnetic, impregnable and unalterable. There was no way into my heart because it was all devoted to the purpose at hand. While I'm in this state, there is barely any space for a lady to enter, nor any willingness to compromise, empathize, or otherwise understand her. It sees the power dynamics mentioned above not as a dance to be led through to mutual victory, but as an obstacle to be ignored, cast aside or annihilated on the way to the next goal.

From that worldview, it's easy to understand many things - for example, why some women would simultaneously be extremely attracted to yet intimidated by me; they would both show intense interest and seek to either tear me down or flee from me. Even when I was talking with women I knew were intensely attracted to me, that I would find attractive in another frame, I felt nothing - no sexual arousal, emotional interest or desire for connection - just a raw, relentless passion for whatever mission I was pursuing. I was just having fun casually talking with them, expressing myself in the moment and focusing on the larger goal even when I knew intellectually they wanted more.

My heart, at its core, is animalistic and raw. It is wild, feral, passionate, instinctual, vigorous, expansive, adventurous and entirely at home with challenge, struggle and conflict. It is utterly committed to a purpose and capable of immense activity, yet utterly calm in the moment and cool under fire. It is very primal; without a God to follow and/or another moral framework, it is utterly amoral. It is both nurturing and savage; it is utterly self-sufficient and complete in itself. It is something I absolutely love living through. It is also something that is ultimately uncivilized, untamed and tranquil yet ferocious to the core; it instinctually gets dominance, it understands reproduction but has no understanding of romantic love.

Actually, it is capable of that, yet is utterly, serenely detached - enjoying the moment, yet not missing the lady if she's gone. Its happiness comes from within, from a primal power and vigor, from connection to instincts and a larger power, reaching up to the divine. It believes in making a positive impact on others yet is fundamentally detached from them. It is elemental, a raw force of nature, a kinetic agent of constant forward movement and creation and power. When I'm accessing this in its most positive aspect, it is utterly devoted to God, to a larger cause, to a deeper commitment and vibrant passion and drive for life. There is a savage purity; there is no space for lust to enter because all my sexual energy is focused and transmuted on the goal.

The honest answer then and now is that I feel no sense of loss in regards to her or the mistakes I have made - only taking accountability, a will to learn and improve and a deep sense of peace and vitality. The only kind of woman able to reach me here is someone who is truly devoted to God and purpose and a passion of her own; attempting to appeal to me with lust, or coerce me with manipulation, at best gets you nothing, at worse trampled on without me even trying. I am utterly independent and clean, full of vitality and purpose and power. I love the feeling of my energy rising again; I am learning so much about Power Dynamics during this couple of weeks spent in a lower and conflicting state. It was highly educational.

So what am I going to do from here, besides keep on ascending? I'm going to recognize this situation in the broader scope and handle it in a win-win way; at the same time, I remain focused utterly on my God and my goals. I have seen a future where I keep progressing towards Him, where I am leading others well and getting stronger in every way; I am running businesses and coaching others. I am learning Power Dynamics well and using it for good; I have a great circle of friends which we are doing many great things with. And I see a truly eloquent, bright, happy, chaste, graceful high-quality lady in the future, like those that deeply inspired me in the past (and were married to incredible men) who I am building a family and empire alongside.

I'm excited to put in the steps to make this reality.

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