Kellvo's Journal - Forging a New Purpose After Gaining Power
Quote from Kellvo on December 2, 2021, 12:36 amAs for the manipulative woman I mentioned before, I have successfully terrorized her, causing her to flinch and flee instinctively on strong eye contact and other displays of dominance, actively avoid, ignore and move away from me and overall completely ceased any attempt from her to control me. Before I also shit tested her and had her qualifying herself to me, got her social circle to basically confirm she liked me and outmaneuvered her by continuing to stay mentally free, making connections with more people and successfully flirting with more women in all my social circles.
Kellvo, I'm going to make a purposefully provocative question.
And not because it was (necessarily) the best option, but to consider and analyze an almost diametrically opposed angle.
What if when you talked to her, in the moments when she was being warmer, you'd say you appreciate her when she's warmer and then naturally say "let's grab a coffee or something to eat one of these days"?
You didn't even necessarily have to follow up, but you'd put out a feeler.
What I'm thinking is that it might have been a situation where two people liked each other, but nobody made the first vulnerable step in each other's direction.
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It's not provocative at all. Honesty is welcome, and I know I could've handled this better too.
It's hard, being real with you, because of several factors. One, I see myself in the right - she tried to play games and control me first when I came with benign intent; I simply defended myself. Second, I see such heavy win-lose power players as low-quality, untrustworthy and even contemptible; my instinct is to dig my heels in, face them head on and give them nothing. Third, I'm a very busy man actively working to improve himself and cultivate value; I know I have a future. Fourth, I know I am quite popular, that I can contribute value, make new friends easily and maneuver well in new and familiar social circles alike. And finally, I know I can attract and potentially get many other women who are also very feminine, physically attractive, friendly, supportive and have a larger goal as well.
That aspect of me says in short - 'why should I put up with you when I know full well there are many others to replace you?'
But you raise an honest and valid point, and if nothing else, handling this in a more Eagle way (I call the above the Falcon way) would have been much more profitable not just for her, but my community and myself as well. It's a good and valid strategy; I can see how it'd deescalate and open doors towards a win-win solution. I honestly didn't even consider it - and I am the type of man to make things happen for others in service to a larger cause I care about. I know, if I liked her, I would've actively gone out of my way to create a wonderful experience for her, to be the man she needs in every way and overall to build something marvelous. Yes, I am attracted to her and I do see her in fullness - she has many valid and even noble attributes - but I instinctively feel disgusted by her.
I know I stand for greater things. I am continuing to improve and give value to the world. I can do better.
The thing is, there is no anger there; aggression, yes, and decisiveness, and commitment to my purpose, values and cause. I do not wish her pain; instead I truly want the best for her in every way. I take no joy in rejecting anyone; I do so very rarely, and only when someone transgresses a core moral value of mine. In this case, I found her dishonorable, weak and cowardly. It hurts, speaking truly, because I see the potential there. But at the same time, I am deeply committed to my values first - to a code of honor, to a higher purpose, to being the best I can be so I can serve others in turn. And such a way of engaging a man is fundamentally incompatable with what I stand for.
I guess your saying holds true after all: 'Warriors rarely find love'. Oh well. I'll have to settle for glory instead.
Got it, got it, I think I had misunderstood your true feelings for her.
If her games disgusted you, then... Fair enough.
It happened to me several times as well that a woman's game playing destroyed what I felt for her -in spite of other qualities she might have had-.
And that's a great example of why this website's dating advice for women stresses just that: avoid nasty games because it might get you several idiots to chase, but turns the higher quality guys off.
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Thank you for being so understanding during this vulnerable time. Yes, it sucks when something potentially beautiful is ruined, irrevocably and utterly, because of the ugliness shown. At the same time, I've made peace with it. I gave myself the chance to grieve, accept and move on.
I'm going to use this as an opportunity to keep on growing. To honestly assess my own faults and where I need to improve, as motivation for becoming an even higher-quality man who can get a truly epic lady and most importantly as fuel to reignite my slacking drive and pursue what is important to me again. Likewise, this is a great opportunity to really get in deep on learning Power Dynamics so I don't let myself take part in such a toxic dynamic again. Again, I take accountability for my part too.
After all this, amazingly, I just feel calm. I know I made the right decision. I am now much more focused, clear and grounded. More stable, mature and in the moment, while being able to learn from the past and plan for the future. It's like letting go of a stone on my back I didn't even know was there, and now I am free to become the high-quality leader I know I already am and can be even more.
Live and learn, and keep moving forward. Let's get this.
Process is ongoing; mind is continuing to ground itself and mature. I notice I am taking on more cold-blooded attributes again; at the same time, I know with utter confidence I can show great warmth and gregariousness as well. Rereading my old post on cultivating dominance styles has helped me relearn, as well as taking on new challenges at hand. I realized that with her, and a few other women as well, I was instinctively in a cold-blooded style; especially when I was very present, grounded and stoic, I commanded great arousal and attraction, along with equal fear - especially from women used to having power over men.
In the larger context of Power Dynamics and with the detachment regained, it is clear how this and similar phenomena occurred - and why they were the first to challenge me. I was, simultaneously, a threat to their power and an object of desire, lust, even love - a situation that I'd imagine would be highly confusing and distressing if I was in their shoes. In such a situation, I'd try to either tear him down or flee, all the while wanting him and/or truly liking him despite it, and at the same time keep some control over the situation by controlling him. Obviously, I'd handle such a situation by adapting, evolving and rising over it - build myself up, control and lead myself, not try to tear others down - but I understand where it came from now and can make peace with it.
With this, I am also able to see a synthesis of Lucio's viewpoint and my own - both for her and women in general. It goes something like this: 'I am a grounded, strong, confident, mature, present, decisively, calmly powerful man who can be very dangerous when need be but also genuinely has your best interest at heart. I choose to actively engage you from a place of cultivating value, man to woman, neither forcing nor with apology for my masculine strength; I come with confidence and sincere appreciation alike. I both love and entertain myself and am glad to give respect where it is due and fulfill your needs, spoken and not, but I am no doormat either - cross me at your peril. Yet, after, I will deescalate and listen, offer an olive branch - but I will keep a gun ready in my other hand, just in case, although I don't want to fire it.'
Power and Warmth, in a nutshell. More detached and mature; moving away from aggression and towards assertiveness. Of course, I'm going to run into power players, her and others, and that's okay. I can be more at peace with them now while still doing what I need to do - and keeping a larger picture in mind.
Today, I really feel like I broke through to the other side - I'm grounded, stable and calm. Completely satisfied with life. No drive or motivation. I completely owned my 'dark side', am stoic and composed, simply focused on this moment. I really have arrived.
Now I am plotting out the next step. Finals will be over soon; I will be able to focus heavily on what I am truly passionate about - self-improvement and building up others. I want to make my business visions reality. I want to make the body reality. I want to make a strong network of people reality. I want to study my personal growth material again. I want to create productive and helpful articles again. I learned honestly that school isn't for me - although I might make an exception for a trade - and that's okay.
People in all their forms are of great interest to me, and I really aim to build on that through the means mentioned above. Building a stronger spiritual life is likewise of great interest to me. Making art, creating new things, expanding my horizons and foraying forth into new frontiers in every way. Building new routines and habits. Setting and achieving major goals. I know in my gut that I am not meant for school, it was holding me back, and that I will forge a way.
So where to start? I am doing my hourly routine once again. I am finding ways to structure my day. And I am getting things in order, in every way.
Let's go.
It's been a few days. I am calmer than ever. I get the distinct sense I am rising above all this. I practiced some consciousness-raising material and loving meditation exercises directed at her and other people before that Sunday, along with increasing awareness of power dynamics. I've found much greater maturity in it - a profound sense of okayness in saying that people will play power games (I included), that's part of our nature, and that's completely okay. Nothing needs to change. I just need to play my part in this grand game. Knowing this, I was able to consciously temper my natural dominance with a sense of groundedness, acceptance, presence, warmth, power, awareness and inner peace. Owning my darkness has made it easy to rise into the light - while still having a backbone. I have shifted decisively away from aggression and towards assertiveness.
The lady in question was easy to handle. I felt both deep compassion and appreciation for her, along with a strong sense of self and inner strength (and knowing I can be dominant as needed), and she responded well. A few staredowns, trivial stuff, warmly owning the interaction with her and her friend (who are basically the two female powers in my church, with said lady being admitted to being the leader by the other (much older) one) and being unapologetically masculine and warm at the same time, calmly, kindly and firmly holding eye contact, leading the interaction and learning more about both. I engaged well the older lady as a manly friend while the younger lady was flirting with me (waving her necklace heavily to draw attention to her bare chest) and I calmly remained present under pressure, appreciating both, engaging with my own strength and warmth in turn, authentically adding value to their lives.
I went on, of course, building others up as I do, and went on my day. Practiced my socialization and flirting skills with a variety of people, pursued self-improvement after and had a great day. Got back into the groove in the gym and found my newfound acceptance and forgiveness, tempered with strength and decisiveness, made it easy to accept and engage others in every way. There's this calm knowing that, as I continue to grow, that I can get with just about anyone with the right mental space and skills, that I can make a variety of friends and above all pursue and actualize my goals to the fullest. I've contributed value-adding dominance to those at the time; I dived deep into the cold-blooded style for a short time, then pulled warmth along with it and showed my engagement with others once again from a calmer and more mature ground.
And now I can keep moving forward. I am confident I can lead most interactions to mutual benefit and that this ability is still growing. I'm excited to learn more about Power Dynamics after Finals are over and I can really dive deep into it. Till then, better get hustling for the exams!
The final exams are over. They were exhausting and wonderfully challenging. Recovery is well in progress. I now have 5-6 weeks to double down on my self-improvement goals before the next semester begins. Which brings up several questions - where am I at now compared to the start of the semester? Where do I want to do? And how do I get there?
Compared to the start of the semester, I am better at handling power dynamics as the posts above showed. Furthermore, I have begun learning how to deescalate and seek win-win solutions by projecting a strong, stable, and comforting yet commanding vibe. With people in general, I know how to display high energy combined with assertiveness and supportiveness. I have gained many friends at the gym; it is easy to talk with anyone. I am a regular and welcome face at my venues.
Psychologically, I have matured greatly. I have finally moved past many childish mindsets. I have healed many unresolved traumas. I have developed my spiritual life. I have taken greater responsibility for my life and others. I have some good routines going, and I am resilient in recovering in the face of setbacks. I have accepted my own 'dark side' and others' and am much more comfortable with my power plays and theirs'; I accept people more in general. I am aware of being a power player and am taking the first steps again to actively use this knowledge to benefit myself and others.
Physically, I am seeing decisive improvements. The body's getting broader and the face is filling out; I have been commented as 'handsome' and 'photogenic' several times. I am growing and managing a healthy beard; my eyes shine and my voice is strong. I am healthier, sharper, and stronger. I am now trusting my instincts and doing the strength-based exercises I love; I know in tandem with a good diet and lifestyle I will see further gains. I have also upgraded my fashion with higher-quality clothes that stand out, look good and authentically communicate who I am.
My points of failure: with my education, I did reasonably well; the challenge was applying myself, remaining focused, and practicing effective time management. I rallied around the middle of the semester and brought myself back from oncoming failure. I similarly failed with the game I was managing because of ineffective resource management, lack of prioritization, and mismanagement of exhaustion; I learned from all this, as well as what I did right, and am putting in the steps to do better next time. With managing high-caliber female games, I showed extreme dominance without warmth; I have successfully reversed direction to come from a much warmer place while increasing strength as well.
Overall, I say with utter confidence, deep in my gut, that I am a FAR better man than the start of the semester - and especially since the start of the Summer. I KNOW that I am worthy of an amazing lady and amazing friends; furthermore, I am continuing to grow and proactively add value. I am now able to bring 100% focus towards my goals at hand. The three biggest goals are to study Power Dynamics to be a value-adding leader, to keep building up my body for both aesthetics and functionality, and to once again begin writing high-value articles, posts, and stories for the benefit of others.
I am looking forward to the challenges ahead.
Rock on, Kellvo 🙂
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Likewise, Lucio!
This whole experience with the lady I mentioned is giving me the space to grow in so many ways. I'm reading Power Dynamics 101: Foundations of Effective Dating right now and I just realized, whooooo boy, I was operating WAY too high on the Power to Warmth spectrum! A lot of it was out of genuine (subconscious) disgust; far beyond just fleeting revenge, I wanted to drive her out of my life and make it clear she couldn't do it again.
The thing is, reading back on my posts and your replies, she really did try to turn things around, She went well out of her way to qualify herself, show conversational interest when I was disengaging, carry on and amplify conversations, be much warmer and friendlier and even show very strong overt (nonverbal) sexual interest. Especially for a major-league power player who is doubtlessly a very high-quality woman in many ways (except for all that I mentioned above), this was a major move on her part.
Sadly, for me, she crossed the Point of No Return a long while ago. And the first impression + version of her I knew before is branded into me; consciously or not, I interpret everything through that. I can't see past it; the whole well is poisoned to me. She finally caught on very recently, ignoring and friendzoning me. So be it; no one wants to be disempowered. I wish her well. All I can think of now is 'how do I learn from this so that I can become an even better man and get a better woman in the future?'.