Kellvo's Journal - Forging a New Purpose After Gaining Power
Roughly one year ago, I began the journey to power. I purchased this course in order to defend myself from manipulators, to train myself to adapt to social dynamics I was unaware of for too long and to understand what was going on without the bitterness and cynicism so often found elsewhere (I'm looking at you, Red Pill). Around that same time, I was also focused heavily on other goals - losing weight and gaining a healthy body I would be proud of, getting out there and meeting plenty of new people, facing my fears, going on adventures and doing inner work to overcome/integrate traumas and seemingly harmful thoughts.
I succeeded in all my goals. I faced my anxiety and depression head on and conquered them! I faced my manipulators, men and women alike who wanted to bend me to their purposes, and I stood my ground, while learning to be less aggressive doing so. I dropped a hundred pounds and gained a reasonably toned and healthy body that could do the sports and hiking I wanted to do. I pushed myself and met plenty of new people, lots of cool, high-quality men and all-around beautiful, awesome women (and some manipulative ones too - those I ignore). I saw plenty of new places, pushed my body and mind, worked harder than I ever worked, and got myself to a happy, secure place with my own two hands.
But now that I achieved all I set out to do, I've been feeling lazy for the last few months. Happy, calm, but lazy and without purpose. I don't know what to do next, so I let go of it for a while and decided to focus on other things. For example, I am writing this, for myself and others, that I may understand what happened, where I am now, and what I need to do next.
I still got challenges of course. God knows I got some anger issues with people trying to control or manipulate me. I can get overly complacent when there's nothing lighting a fire under my ass, or on the other hand go to extremes until I burn myself out. That's part of the reason I'm writing this, to create accountability and get myself moving again. The other part is to detail my journey, past and present, with a focus on power moves - both where I succeeded and failed - with a focus on conflicts and how my methods of resolving them made them better or worse. I make no claims of perfection; I've gone too far more than a few times, I failed myself more than a few times, and I've made more than my share of mistakes, but feel no shame for those either - I am a learner and I am growing.
The posts I write often come from a place of being forged in conflict, and the will to create something better in the face of that - that is why I fervently support the freedom and happiness of both men and women, why I will help others disentangle themselves from power dynamics and judges, why I often advocated the most aggressive solution to controllers, why social battles (and military battles) interest me so much, and why I approached dating-type situations from a place of power first. It's the writing of someone who has fought hard, seen some serious shit and has more than a few battle scars to his name.
It's also the writing of someone who sincerely loves life, in all its forms, with all it has to offer, rain and sunshine alike. It's the writing of someone who rejects both naivete and nihilism and instead chooses to look life in the eyes, smile and make the most of it. It's the writing of someone who's been through some serious trauma and, instead of kneeling to it or letting it twist him, stood tall in the face of it and fought through to the other side, because he loves breathing and living every moment.
It's from that perspective that I am writing this journal - one part confessional, one part war story, one part 'life is awesome' testimonial - not only to find purpose again within myself, but help any others in need. Let's rock.
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I have many stories to tell, a few of which I already did. The story of the mentor, both sincerely caring and coldly controlling, flawed but awesome all the same, I already have. People who read my other posts can probably infer that I collided with some high-power women in the past and that I have very little tolerance for female games. My stories on here of how I dealt with bullies in the past showed that I took a very aggressive approach to those trying to control or harm me from a very young age.
All of these are true, and I own them completely, both benefits and drawbacks. I learned a lot from my mentor, but also lost freedom and esteem until I severed him from my life; I both gained peace of mind and the respect and desire of women who tried to control me, but often left bad blood, lost interest in the process and escalated conflicts until they and/or I took great damage; I terrified bullies and got the respect of them too, but like with manipulative women I had to tap into a very dark and destructive part of myself to do so.
And I need that, in a way. That rage fuels me, lights a fire under me, reminds me to do better. I remember part of my purpose - to explore new places and relay knowledge; to tell my stories to inspire, strengthen and enliven; to push my limits and the boundaries of experience; to learn, evolve and grow; to see other things and people grow, and fiercely defend them from those who would seek to destroy all that is good. Yes, I need that fire, otherwise I get lazy and stop creating value not just to the world, but to myself too.
I'm scared, of course. Not of rejection, isolation, condemnation, ostracization or marginalization; I know that I have worth and value, that I can be happy with nothing, and that ultimately I can love myself and be my own best friend. I have an inner light in me that none can take away. What I am scared of is being shackled, being bound, being dulled, being silenced, and above all being controlled. I refuse to censor my heart, my words, my fire within; I will express my truth, ugliness, scars, darkness and all, and speak without shame.
Ok, that's not entirely true. One girl (who was very attracted to me but also played a lot of power games with me) tried humiliating me, so I let myself go and took revenge until she was broken for several months, unable to look me in the eye and slumped over wearing grey and in utter despair and fear and shame. Because that's what fucking happens when you try to control me! The land of the free is coated with the blood of would-be tyrants.
Yeah. I got shit to work on. That's okay, though. One day at a time. Now how can I use this darkness for good? Let's find out.
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My will to be free and uncontrolled by anyone got me far. It's got me in the gym, got me learning power dynamics, and overall inspired me to push myself, meet other people, and overall forge a better life. If I'm gonna shake myself out of complacency, I'll need it again.
Every weight lifted, every grunt, every burning muscle felt like taking my power back. Every time I approached a person, whatever in intent of friendship, mating or usually simply curiosity, I conquered fear just a bit more. Those who tried to chop me down I rebuked with every bit I learned, every power game I met face-to-face, every controller I put in their place.
And I also pursued another passion, making good in others' lives. I went out of my way to contribute to others in conversation, I gave my strength and warmth to those in need, I spoke my honest truth and shared my mission, my adventures and my successes, failures and lessons alike to those who could grow from them. I helped other men who faced my battles and do my best to actively stand for all that is good.
I have a fervent sense of justice and right and wrong, and I want to protect others. More than that I want to see others be strong. I want to see everyone realize their fullest potential and grow into the best versions of themselves. I want freedom for myself and others. I stood for what was right even as a child, I protected others from bullies and teachers who overreached their bounds, and even when others broke me I stood up, put myself back together and got into the arena again.
I am a learner too, of many things; I am a lover of life, enjoying women, art, nature and other beautiful people and things; I am a deeply caring person who will go out of his way to look after others. But I get the feeling that, at heart, I see myself as a warrior. And I don't know what to do when there isn't a battlefield to fight on. Either I got to find a new and worthier field - protecting others sounds like a good place to start - or find a new purpose in life.
So be it. I am always up to the challenge. I am not scared of pain, only not living. I can do this. I will find a way.
Hey Kellvo,
my respects for your journey so far. I understand it’s not an easy one.
May I give you some advice?
Hey John,
Much appreciated, it has been rough, but the journey is always worth it. I seen your own journey has reaped rewards as well, congratulations!
Advice would be most welcome.
Wow, that was a raw and beautiful opening salvo, Kellvo!
I wanted to quote a few parts but.. There were too many to pick one.
Edit:
Though in the end, I did pick this one:
Quote from Kellvo on October 24, 2020, 8:17 amIt's the writing of someone who rejects both naivete and nihilism and instead chooses to look life in the eyes, smile and make the most of it.
From the tone of it, it does sound indeed like you've very driven by high emotions.
And when those strong emotions are there, then you go through mountains.
Just thinking out aloud here, maybe one idea for you might be to add more routines in your life, so even if you get complacent, you still "fall back" on those routines.
Still, overall, it sounds like you've already come a long way and conquered plenty of mountaintops.
Well done to you!
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Thank you for your trust. Here is my opinion:
- I would be cautious about my own ego: realize that your self-image and the story you tell yourself is not you. It is just the story you tell yourself. Change your story --> Change yourself (see Learner mindsets in Mindsets subforum). Be careful not to get caught in the story you're telling yourself. Also, humility is the best friend of the learner. I would recommend you embrace the identity of the learner.
- I would recommend you to travel more: I'm guessing you live in the US or in another country where there is a lot of social pressure to perform, achieve and accumulate resources. By travelling, you might see other ways to live and realize you have a choice not to live by the standards of the society you were born in. It does not mean you cannot perform, achieve and accumulate. It means you'll have the choice to decide if it fits your values. Or at least if you are trapped, you will realize that you are trapped (for the moment).
I hope it resonates with you. Cheers!
Thanks Lucio and John! Your insights and own personal experiences are appreciated and welcomed.
I have strong emotions, definitely. I want to channel those both towards a higher purpose and in contributing to others (from a place of strength of course). My current aim is to revive my gym routine, which will strengthen both body and mind, as well as acting as a gateway to other positive routines.
My travel options are limited due to a lack of funds, but I have and can again go around town, find plenty of places to meet people and seek to see even familiar things from new perspectives. I see where you're coming from with getting trapped in your own story as well, I think the best lesson would be to humble yourself like you said, try to take things less personally and be a little less stubborn.
I got a lot to learn, I'm still young and inexperienced in some ways, but that's okay. I'll keep on trucking and putting myself out there and taking on challenges and moving forward. You two keep winning in your respective arenas as well. Cheers!
It's been around two weeks since I began this journal. In that time I have taken steps towards gaining a purpose in my life again - going to the gym, exploring new places, and going out of my way to talk with lots of people. I find that I love talking with people, especially coming from a mindset of 'I am growing myself (and growing value), I am a contributor, I come with good intentions (but I will fuck you up if you mess with me) and we can make each others' lives better, even if only for a few minutes.' I believe in growing into a better person, creating and contributing value, and doing my part to make a better life for everyone and everything.
Of course, there are people who will want to play games and come from a Win/Lose mindset, but I can handle these more in a way that is grounded, strong and sets healthy boundaries than before. Taking on the learner mindset means taking it less personally, while learning power dynamics helps handle these in a responsible way. My plan is to show I will not be pushed around if they try anything, and than ignore them - make it clear that I stand for higher things and that I will only accept Win/Win people into my life. If they escalate, I will too, and crush them without mercy - make a harsh example of them, teach a clear lesson, and make it clear that I will not tolerate malevolence in my life. I will also do the same for those who pick on the weak in any aspect of life.
This gives an idea of where to focus my long-term goals; I love growing and helping others grow, I genuinely want to lead myself well and be an inspiring presence for others, I love building things and bringing people together, I am fiercely protective of the people around me and I have a strong sense of justice and right and wrong. I'll still give myself time just to be content and in the moment of course, that is part of life too, but I have a responsibility to the world around me and a passion and purpose to ignite and follow. I'll strive to balance these needs and live life with accountability for both myself and others.
As I stabilize, my goals evolve and change. I'll make a short list:
Short-Term Goals:
- Develop a habit of consistently going to the gym, with an emphasis on developing functional strength, endurance, speed, and overall creating a well-rounded body. Aesthetics is good too, that's a part, but a body that can meet my goals is the most important thing. I have made great progress there, but I aim to take it to the next level.
- Continue not just socializing with as many people as possible - men, women and children alike - but actively do so with the intention of positively contributing to their lives as much as possible, as long as doing so does not disempower myself.
- Actively work on building my purpose, which is done by following my heart and pursuing my interests, especially in the intersection between personal fulfillment and my stated goal of helping others grow.
Longer-Term Goals:
- Train for a career that meets as many of my core goals (growth, purpose, contribution) as possible. Protecting others is important to me, but there is great corruption in law enforcement today, and while I am all for heroism, I have no intentions of dying for someone else's war in some country we shouldn't be invading anyway. Finding ways I can get more involved in the community however, as well as finding ways to take the fight against corruption in other ways, sounds like a good idea.
- Build up a really awesome body, as well as training up my mind, developing greater emotional stability, and creating a thriving spiritual life. I know how to do this too - I go to the gym, I'm studying math and science on Brilliant, I'm laying out and tackling emotional flaws here and I am taking time to tune in with the world around me as well as going to church.
- Develop strong social skills and a strong awareness of power dynamics. Approaching lots of people and starting up conversations, as well as taking the lead in a way that both lets me express myself and aims to create value for the other person not only benefits them, but helps sharpen my storytelling and empathetic skills. I'm better at recognizing context and power moves in action as well, and aim to project strength and warmth while being aware of and cutting off Win/Lose people from my life.
I still have to watch out for both complacency and burnout, which are two extremes resulting from either taking it too easy and not having a purpose, or from pursuing my purpose all-out until I self-destruct. I got anger issues too when I see injustice and manipulation and often go too far retaliating when someone crosses the line. I'm good at recovering from power-down positions, but still often lose the first round if someone is coming from a Win/Lose situation.
The solutions are in order: cultivating a philosophy of balance and moderation in general, balancing strong boundary-setting with acceptance of human nature, and immediate awareness combined with identification of collaborators and defectors and responding accordingly. As well in general, continuing this journal and communicating my work with others to create accountability and divert course from potentially harmful ways of thinking.
Overall, it's going well. I know what to do and I know what mistakes I often make, and I can adjust accordingly. I got this. If you read all this, much thanks, and have a great day everyone!
Really nice, this sounds like a true high-quality mindset, Kellvo. Revving up for a true leader in the making.
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Thanks Lucio, it's a rough journey but a worthy one.
As I promised others and myself, I would commit to regular updates for accountability and direction setting - including realigning myself if I catch myself steering off course like I have this week.
This week has been a mixed bag; I'm not gonna mince words, I messed up in a few ways. I came into this week recovering from burnout from pushing myself too far towards the role of a leader (most of all for leading myself) - I crashed and fell back on some bad eating habits and a few other bad habits, and during the week I was exhausted and didn't have much willpower to call upon. I also neglected my routines and the gym and overall was coming from a lazy place.
Acknowledged, and accepted. I ain't making excuses, I do strive to improve, and at the same time I recognize that I make mistakes and that this is okay.
On the other hand, I progressed in a few ways too. As quarantine restrictions tighten again, I had to find creative ways of contributing value to people. I made a new online friend through a review of a game that provided value for many people. I have taken steps towards starting an hourly routine that includes things such as exercise, gratitude and visualization. And I've been committing to learning about power dynamics and personal empowerment again, starting from small bites and the basics again and working my way up.
Overall, my gut tells me I have improved, and one way I know that is that I am attracting high quality men and women alike into my life. That always happens when I am serious about personal development and contribution, they seem drawn to it. Call it a vibe, call it law of attraction or more simply others seeing a person striving to become high quality overall, but I noticed this theme along with its opposite - when there's weakness or low-quality behavior in me people come to challenge and expose it. I learned I can count on both my gut and the world around me to correct course and get feedback.
I notice that this tends to happen in cycles of stillness, growth, overextension/burnout, collapse, recovery than stillness and growth again. This gives an idea for this week - pinpoint what's causing it and seek to resolve this self-destructive cycle. I'd see a therapist if I can, but I know that is unlikely and I wouldn't expect anyone to do it for me. No worries, I've fought my way out of much worse and I can do this too. Do you know anything good in Ultimate Power or online resources that specialize in identifying and rewriting habits? I'm more than glad to put in the work and do my best to provide value in other ways of course. Thanks for your time and have a great day.
Quote from Kellvo on November 15, 2020, 9:10 pmDo you know anything good in Ultimate Power or online resources that specialize in identifying and rewriting habits? I'm more than glad to put in the work and do my best to provide value in other ways of course. Thanks for your time and have a great day.
Atomic Habits is one of the best books on building habits I have found.
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