Lucio's journal
Since I still take notes of my life, I decided I might as well do it here.
I will write about social strategies, lessons learned, psychology, and personal reflections.
High-Value People Draw Boundaries for Friends & Partner, Too
And the corollary of this rule:
- Never Demean A Person's Partner (or family)
For the first time in my life, I am going out with what could be defined as a group of local players. Quite a few cool guys in it, and it's a big learning experience, too.
One of the guys, let's call him "Secure" was sharing about his rocky relationship with the woman he was seeing. It was an ex-girlfriend, but still a grey area as they kept seeing each other.
Another guy, the founder of the group and possibly the unofficial "group leader", started addressing the girl as "crazy girl".
He used the "crazy girl" name a few times, when finally Secure jumped in:
Can we please stop calling her "crazy". She's my ex-girlfriend, and I still have feelings for her
The way he did it was a bit too sudden, a bit too emotional, and it broke rapport a bit too harshly.
But the action was how a high-quality man would behave.
A high-quality man does not allow his friends to demean his partners and, equally, does not allow his girlfriend to demean his friends.
The rationale here is that you picked your partner and your friends. Your partner and your friends are part of you and a reflection of you. So as much as you draw boundaries for yourself, you draw boundaries for your partner and friends, as well.
If he wanted to draw boundaries more effectively, he should have said:
Yeah, at times it might feel like that's the right nickname (acknowledge there is some craziness in the relationship so it doesn't sound like he's being overly defensive, and bridges to his main ask), but let's use her real name, she might still be my girlfriend. Her name is...
Personality & Psychology Reflection
That exchange, plus others, told me a lot about these guys' personality:
- The leader took pride in demeaning women: calling his ex flings with animal names to "differentiate them", calling Secure's GF "crazy girl", he wanted to be seen as a player with no heart. He sought the "cool guy" role
- Secure was not a player: he was more of a "relationship guy"
- Secure had a secure attachment style: by being open, forthcoming, and "vulnerable" about his story and his willingness to have a good relationship, Secure had a secure attachment style, was high in emotional empathy, and was probably the most emotionally adjusted man of the bunch.
This is all crucial information on how to connect and bond with each one of these guys.
And it's all crucial information for women on how to pick the best partners. Of course, men will not be as open when talking to women, but they will most likely show some signs.
The "Silent Type" Test: Fail (Don't Stay Silent in Social Circles)
So the other day I was at a language Meetup meeting, where the gist is: strangers meet and talk.
I decided to try out the "silent type", such as sitting there, seeking to convey high-value, but without talking much, if at all.
I've always suspected this method does not work very well in social circles, especially when you're new.
The people whom I observed using it never got far with it, including people who look far better -easy feat, anyway :)- and seem far cooler than I am.
But I still wanted to put it to the test.
The result is that, in the beginning, I attracted more attention.
Instead of talking first, you get asked questions, and you look high-value since people are chasing you for information. Plus, you seem mysterious, and if you answer well, you get lots of social points.
However, the problems start when you remain silent.
The people around will talk to each other, trade stories, banter, laugh... And you get more and more cut out from the flow.
People eventually stop asking you questions and start considering you as less part of the group.
After a certain point, no matter how cool you might have seemed in the beginning, you also will not look cool anymore. When you don't talk, it looks like you don't want to stay there. The "too cool for school" work in high school because you are forced to be there, but doesn't work nearly as well anywhere else.
You can't be cool if you keep staying in a place where you don't want to stay, because that communicates a lack of control over your life, which is tantamount to powerlessness.
This is why many former cool kids in high school struggle at university: they stick to a strategy that doesn't anymore, and they fail to build social circles.
In Social Circles: Talk & Socialize - Especially when groups are forming-
So, my initial observation got confirmed: the "silent alpha" is not a good strategy in groups of people who are out to socialize.
If you want to acquire social status, you need to talk.
The "silent alpha" is also a poor strategy for dating.
Women rarely chase guys in groups, so even if they like you, no matter how good you might look, you'll miss a lot of shots.
This is more of a sex story, with the only real takeaway being this:
Show Her Your Place Before The Date: It Decreases Tension for A Possible Later Pull
In my current location, I'm not having the dating power to "date" straight home, so I'm not doing lots of more "typical" dates.
However, I more than once resorted to an old trick:
- Meet her, then say you need to pick or drop something home, and take her to your place
The goal is not to end the date at your place and never go anywhere, but to get her used to your flat as a safe place to be.
Plus, it removes a lot of incertitudes.
When later on you will say "wanna come over 5 minutes" it's not going to be a big question mark full of unknown variables, but it will be a place she knows and is comfortable with.
Of course, it might happen that you stop at home first... And get intimate right there and then.
The Signs of DTF (Down to F*ck)
I went to meet her with a laptop under my arm that I "had" to drop home.
And there were already many positive signs:
- Comfortable with close distance: When I go to hug her upon first seeing her, she does not recoil like most other Korean girls do
- Asks me what I think of her clothes: asking to someone what they think of their clothes is a sexual question, since it indirectly asks "what do you think of me / my figure"
- Mask & risk appetite: she removes her mask after we greet to talk better. A small sign of risk appetite
- "Crazy" / disinhibited signs: many people feel (righteously) insecure when discussing in a language they don't know well. Her English was poor, but she still talks a lot and is fully at ease
We arrive at my door and while I would usually say "I just dropping this thing", this time I say nothing and keep talking. She does the same.
She enters the flat, which most other girls don't. And she asks if she can remove her shoes. Bingo.
Not only was she disinhibited, but also extremely high-sexed.
As soon as I take it out, she says:
Her: can I lick it later?
Isn't that cute even in her high drive, you can see the submissiveness of that: "can I...".
And as if any man would say "no" (albeit I'm not personally much into BJ).
Making love, she looked at me with that lustful open mouth and red lipstick.
Looked a bit like a scene out of some sex manga comic.
We still go out later because there is only one thing better than a great date, and that's a great date after intimacy.
The pressure is gone, you two are lovers, no more games to be played, no more lies to hide. Just plainly enjoying the time together and opening up.
The Random Condo BJ
Funny skit before I take her to the bus stop.
We are walking in a less-busy street at night, and I tell her to touch my dick. She doesn't need to be asked twice. 20 meters later she takes my hand and walks up the stairs into some random condo.
She stops in front of some people's door and drops her bag.
What could I do?
I took it out.
To which she says: "I just came here to kiss" (really?).
Then she immediately goes on her knees and gets to business.
This reminded me of being an exchange student in Poland, with a very similar scene walking home from Kitsch, the local party owls spot. I had almost removed that from my mind.
Sometimes you just need a crazy gal to remind you of another crazy gal.
Overall, a great time
What do you mean by "the local party owls spot"?
Quote from John Freeman on July 18, 2020, 2:12 pmWhat do you mean by "the local party owls spot"?
Some party towns have a club that does not close for the whole night, and keeps on going until late morning or even early afternoon.
Those are the places that the most inveterate party people move to when the "normal" bars and clubs start winding down.
That's what I mean by the "owls' spot".
It's also where the drunkest people tend to tend up, or the guys who are still desperately looking to "get lucky" and are not ready go give up.
And, generally, not the places where to meet wife material :).
Alright, cool. Thanks for the explanation. Never heard of the term but I can definitely see what kind of places you're talking about. I want to know more about your (mating) adventures in Poland by the way!
The judge testing my business: end the discussion with just 1 single move
Last week I was out at a bar and there was one guy in a group we joined who kept questioning me about my business.
He was not doing so not out of curiosity, but to get power.
He clearly wanted to be in the "judge role", asking things such as:
- Who are your customers
- What's your USP
- What differentiates you
- How could your business help me
I handled the questions with philosopher's frames, and then he finally blurted out "because I'm a banker".
Alright, got him: this guy wanted to first gain some power as the judge, and then brag, feel smart, and be appreciated for what he felt was a high position, respect-worthy role in society.
In simpler power-dictionary terms: validation-whoring.
Easy.
I didn't give him the judge role because, fuck it, why should I take the power-down.
But I gave him just the chance to brag because, why not.
Overall, it was the right call to avoid too obvious frame wars and keep it friendly.
He had good status within the group we ended up merging with, so if I took it personally this guy was "testing me" and made it a total frame control war, I might have ruined rapport. There was no point in making an enemy.
Overall though, I could have probably cut the questioning even shorter, with just one single philosopher frame, and while also keeping most of the power.
Something like this:
Man, I'm not your typical business. I do things differently.
I really don't care about USPs and ideal customers. I simply do what I love: researching, learning, analyzing social dynamics, and sharing strategies. If people dig the same stuff, they might keep on reading. If not, I'll still keep doing my thing.
Simple.
How about you man, what do you do.
That should have ended the judge-side conversation far quicker and on a high note of power from my side: I'm doing what I love and I'm happy with it -can you also say the same thing?-.
After that transition, I'd let him brag a bit, then move to greener socializing pastures.
Great initial chemistry, but momentous choices to make
I see her walking by, and she seems the female version of me:
Short, thin, and walking with a purpose like she fucking owns it.
I'm SO sold.
As soon as I say hi she reacts as if we had known each other since for ever: immediate chemistry.
She says she can't have a drink right now because she works early in the morning. So we schedule a dinner for the day after and then keep talking.
I'm getting a lot of positive signs though, so I propose again a quick drink. Soft rejection, again.
I tell her to come to come off the street to exchange contacts, and she follows. We recline against a wooden stage on the sidewalk and keep talking a bit.
Again, I'm getting a lot of positive signs, and she says she's drunk.
I live right nearby...
... But this is a tougher call than it might seem.
Since I'm interested in seeing her again and not just having sex, The fact that she's drunk is actually a big con to me: it injects a lot of unknown variables.
Normally, it would be the kind of interaction where I'd quite positive that we would see each other again.
But if she is really drunk she might not remember the good vibes.
And if I push it now and we go home, that will inject a lot of unknown variables:
- If we go home and don't have sex, meeting again for an outside date will feel like a big step back and like we're moving away from intimacy
- If we go home and I start the process but she delays and we do not have sex, well... That's very often a negative
- And if we go home, have sex and don't have any time to bond after that, she might write it off as a drunk one-night stand with a player that she now hates and wishes to forget
In the end, I invite her home on a high with the usual techniques of "very quick", and "it's just right here", then looking expectantly (I don't like the technique of starting to walk, I think it's immature, but I'll leave that for another time). And we start moving.
The die is cast.
At home I make her prepare a drink while I put on some music.
We sit next to each other and I start kissing her neck. When I notice she does not pull back I put my arms around her and move towards her face and lips, and we make out. Then I stop it and pull back.
I talk a big more and go for a neck kiss again, but this time she's more resistant.
She's not a very sexual girl. Or at least, she's not very sexually receptive as of now. That's an important cue on how to approach the situation (had she been very sexual, or very aroused, the sexual arousal route to sex would have been the obvious choice).
She writes on the translator that she's seeing someone -not true, but still an important cue- and that she's had some big heartbreaks in the past that left her some traumas -could be true, as far as I know-.
This is veering very far off from sexual tension, but I need to address it seriously and with compassion, which I do.
It's not yet the time to fully give up on the possibility of sex.
It's usually not a good idea to let the "serious" talk veer you off sex. Why not? Because otherwise you can get framed as the guy who initially was for intimacy, but then turned into the friend for deep talks.
That doesn't mean you need to brush off the "serious talk", quite the opposite.
But it does mean that you need to be careful that the deeper talk does not replace the sexual vibe.
So I kiss her again on the neck, then stand up and move her towards the bed. She resists, but not forcefully. I could definitely take her to bed, I'm sure of that.
So now I am facing another important decision:
- Push hard for sex, and make it or break it, or stop escalating completely and bond more at a verbal level
When I move her towards the bed, she says "I really don't like this".
That, together with her body language, gave me an important cue. With time, I learned that pushing too much in this situation is usually not a good idea.
Considering we would also have very little time for bonding after sex, I decide that I will not get sexual again at all for this time and instead seek to bond more via talking.
This is usually a sensible choice: if you think you are not going to get sex, then don't chase for sex. Also, never go with weak attempts at sexual escalations. Go full-on, or stop chasing.
Chasing and not getting it is bad. Not chasing and bonding, and then ending the date yourself, conserves and potentially increases your power.
So we keep talking for a few minutes, and then it's time for her to go.
She says so first, I say "5 more minutes", and then make sure I end it. Small power move, but it's for the both of us.
I walk her to the bus station, which increases the chances we'll see each other again.
It's all about what she will back-rationalize when she gets up
First two texts we exchange, very good.
She confirms she arrived home, and shows signs of having enjoyed our time.
Very good.
She replies to my message again, and thanks me.
Very good.
BUT they don't mean jack shit.
I know that it's all about how she will back-rationalize the date the day after that will make or break the relationship.
If she wakes up and feels slutty for having come home, we're toast.
If she thinks I'm too much of a player for having taken home that soon, we're probably also toast (considering the type of girl she is, for some other types of girls, that's not an issue).
If she was a little bit too drunk and she has a hangover and that will negatively color her feelings of us together (halo effect), we're probably also toast.
Unluckily, it was one of the three above.
Or a combo of the three.
She never answered the day after.
Too bad.
These are the situations that made me wish people learned more about their own biases.
Yes, she drinks, smokes and has poor English, 3 quite big strikes against her, but I still think we'd have gotten along well and she would have gained and learned from seeing each other again (I like leaving girls better than I find them, as they said).
But it's not going to happen with Grace, here.
Ride on :).
Saturday date: correctly gauging the time to pull home
I really liked the girl I met yesterday.
She had that kind of "understated beauty". The "girl next door" type of beauty.
A bit like a Korean Jennifer Aniston, which she somewhat resembled, too.
Plus, I really liked her personality, too.
Smart, kind, and very socially skilled at the same time -and quite power aware-.
And very good with frame control, too.
Just as one example:
Me: why are you covering your mouth with your hand (power move: I know why, of course: it's coyness, submissivness, and very possibly sexual attraction, and I purposefully asked to expand that thread)
Her: so you can look at my polished fingernails
Smart kiddo :).
She asked a lot of questions, and when she'd answer my questions, she always turned it back to me (and I highlighted her technique more than once as a way of controlling the frame and remaining socially in charge).
I liked that.
And I like curious women a lot. Curious women and women who ask questions are great for relationships because you can bond deeper (same for men, of course).
When people ask questions and listen, it makes it a pleasure to open up and share about yourself, which in turn leads to you asking more questions about them as well, which leads to more and more of what relationship researcher John Gottman calls "shared meaning".
Date Design: Early & Structured
I first proposed a picnic with wine, since there is a nice park nearby (and picnic are romantic).
But since the weather was uncertain, plan B was to stop at a wine bar first, and then potentially a restaurant:
[Lucio] [5:16 PM] Our plan B is a wine bar first, and then we'll decide together on the next stop 🙂
[Lucio] [5:16 PM] (maybe something to eat after)
[xxx] [7:37 PM] Okay that is great . Plan B is also good as much as plan A. 🙂
As you might notice from the above, I don't believe in the man's dating advice of telling women exactly what you are going to do.
That's the dickhead way of relating to others, and it's not my style. Plus, it feels to me like overcompensation dominance. It's not always ineffective, of course, and it might attract more submissive and father-issue women, but will rub more independent-minded women off (for good, obvious reasons).
Instead, I like to provide the first step only, or to provide a couple of options, and then to add something like "and we will decide together depending on how we feel".
The more acute observers will recognize a collaborative frame in there, too (decide together).
This type of date is perfect:
- We meet at 5pm on a Saturday, meaning we have the whole afternoon and night together
- It's close to my place (really close)
- We move to different locations
- It provides with an easy chance of going back to my place (getting the bottle of wine for the picnic)
- The alcohol involved doesn't hurt, and helps lose possible inhibitions
Wine bar: signs of intimacy-time
At the wine bar, she sits across me.
I tell her to sit next to me, but she says she prefers sitting across.
Small mistake from my side: I should have told her earlier. It is always far higher chances when you tell her to sit next to you when she in the process of sitting (as a matter of fact, probably 90% of women will sit next to you when you tell them so with confidence).
No big deal though, I'm pretty confident we can get some chemistry going even while sitting across.
So I make a couple of jokes about it and move on.
Indeed, just like our first insta-date, we have a great time talking.
We have two glasses and some finger food.
And I start getting some very positive signs that make me decide to make my move right after this wine bar.
Among the signs:
- Looking at each other without saying anything, she cracks first with a smile (social power on my side, submissiveness on hers)
- Lots of smiles from her side
- Covering her mouth often (submissive / sexually coy signs)
- Posing more questions, starting new conversational topics (ie.: investing more)
So I propose we do the picnic right after. And as we walk outside, I tell her we can go grab a wine at my place (note: it's almost always better to tell her you're going to your place while you're walking rather than when you are sitting at the previous location).
Sex escalation strategies
In the elevator a go for a kiss on her neck.
I like to start early to gauge the situation.
The earlier you get the signs, the better you can calibrate.
Positive signs, in this case, are women who remain close to you. Such as, it's "normal" for them. Very positive would be the woman getting closer, or touching you. Negative reactions are women who are caught off guard and/or move away and/or ask "why".
I get a negative reaction, so I'm wondering whether I should push for sex now, or just go for some lighter sexual touches to make sure we're on a date with sex on the table, and move to the picnic.
But before deciding, I'm gonna set the scene that maximizes the chances for sex here, and then calibrate on the next cues.
To maximize the chances for sex, we need spend some more time here, so:
- Shoes off at the entrance
- Masks off
- Opening the wine (the plausible deniability is: so we can taste if we like it)
- Music
- Escalate intimacy
As expected from the elevator, I get quite a bit of sexual resistance.
But not the type of resistance that says "no fucking way".
So I decide to go for sex now.
The escalation is textbook proper sexual escalation as in Dating Power Dynamics:
- mixing dominance with warmth/kindness
- collaborative frames
- being sexually forward and relentlessly pushing for sex
- but in an overall atmosphere of full safety and "good time"
In my opinion, struggling and physically pushing too hard to remove pieces of clothing is often a bad approach.
Yes, bursts of intensity are great, but it takes emotional intelligence: it's too easy to overdo it, and make her feel unsafe.
Overly aggressive behavior is the kind of behavior that makes some women stand up and leave, or feel like they have been assaulted and regret the sex (or, also possible, getting attached to him in a toxic way, as per "Stockholm syndrome" of liking one's own captors).
In doubt, it's better to apply constant pressure without "battling it out" on pieces of clothes.
When two people like each other, constant but never too aggressive escalation will often reach what I call the "I'm ready point". The "I'm ready point" is when the woman agrees to sex and stop resisting.
Then the resistance will drop to almost zero, and she might even remove her own clothes. And all that might be left is for him to manage her possible fear or tension... And hopefully, give her a good time :).
A perfect day
Well, as I have previously written:
One of the best dates you can ever have is after intimacy.
There are no more games to play, no more trying to appear cooler (for him), or more "Madonna" (for her), and it's just two people canoodling, enjoying each other, and getting to each other at a far deeper level.
Plus, long night together with the wine and the picnic made it perfect.
I was very hungry, so we stopped at an Italian restaurant first. Since we already had an open bottle, we used our own wine to fill the glasses.
My date said that I "enjoy breaking the rules", but it's more about the nonsense and inconsequential rules that stand in the way of a good time (or a better meal):
It reminded me of my first girlfriend, when we were poor and going to the cinema with a wine in her bag.
Later on, we went to the park, then we walked, and later yet we also ended up to an izakaya. My first time in an izakaya. Or first time in Korea, at least.
Overall, a wonderful weekend, and a great time.
And since I haven't eaten all day, now I'm off to cap this nice weekend with a nice meal.
I like ending a great weekend with a great meal out, taking some lone time to reflect, connect the dots, and just plain savor the time.
Ride on 🙂