What if you wanted to create quick, deep emotional connections with someone?
Do you think that knowledge and skill could serve you well in life?
Do you think developing deep emotional connection with a girl would make your life better?
You bet it would! Both romatnically and non romantically.
This post will address how to build a strong and deep connection with someone.
- Developing Deep Emotional Connection
- 1. Make People Comfortable to Open Up
- 2. Be Empathic and Non-Judgmental
- 3. Alternate Depth and Humor
- 3. Listen Without Interrupting
- 4. Let the Bond Develop Naturally
- 5. Joke and Laugh Together
- 6. Build “Us VS The World”
- 7. Label and Cement the Emotional Connection
- 8. Do Something Crazy and Adventurous
- 9. Spend a Whole Day Together
- Fundamentals of Deep Connection
Developing Deep Emotional Connection
Here’s, step-by-step, how you develop deep emotional connection with someone:
1. Make People Comfortable to Open Up
A study by Arthur Aron showed that asking and sharing intimate stories made people feel closer and more connected.
Indeed helping people drop the mask, be themselves and open up is the very first step to develop a strong emotional connection.
Indeed LovePanky recommends you “go beyond” the superficial. True, but of course it doesn’t say how you do it.
ThePowerMoves does though :).
Here is how you draw people out:
- Ask racy and/or deep questions
- Listen without judging
- Share back your own story or probe with further questions
If They Don’t Want to Open Up
In a few cases people might be uncomfortable with deep questions.
It might mean they are not ready yet or they don’t trust you fully yet. This is what you do then:
- Stay nonplussed saying they’re very normal questions (you hold your frame that “it’s normal, all is fine”)
- Answer the question yourself first if they don’t feel like going to show there’s nothing wrong with the topic
If still they dig their heels, which is very rare, this might be the case that you are not comfortable yourself yet, or you are not projecting an aura of sincerity (read chapter below).
If that’s the case, not all is lost yet. Step back to “safer” chit chat and go deeper again later on.
Internalize That Going Deep is Normal
Note that to execute this part correctly you have to believe in your core that asking deep questions is normal. Asking and sharing deep topics is the only way with which you are truly getting to know people.
And the only way you can build deep emotional connections.
All else is waste of air.
This is an example of a very natural, deep conversation. This is how a healthy deep connection looks like in the beginning of a love story:
I bet you they are both mind-blown by the level of emotionally deep conversation they are having. Both thinking “my God I’ve never opened up so much with anyone else”. And they both feel a “special connection”.
2. Be Empathic and Non-Judgmental
See what a ping-pong of deepness in the example above?
That only happens when there is a lot of rapport and people trust each other. Which, in turn, only happens when people feel free of judgement and accepted for who they are.
3. Alternate Depth and Humor
These days everyone says you should move beyond chit chat and small talk. And that’s true.
However the mistake that many do -and that certainly I was doing- is that of going deep… And then staying there for too long.
There are two issues with staying too deep too long: if you keep asking about personal stuff without sharing and without ever a respite, it might feel like you are being invasive.
And if you stay too deep, too long, you risk that at a certain point it will feel “too much”. The spell will break and neither of you will know how to get back to it.
You both will simply know that you had some magic fro a while… But now it’s gone.
Imagine your conversation is like a free diving experience. Sometimes you gotta come up for air again before going deep again.
Here is another awesome example from Before Sunrise:
The Early Emotional Wall: A Great Technique
Notice that Ethan stops short from telling everything about his private life.
He (pretends?) to be a bit too shy to talk about it.
This is a great, great technique. If he had said everything right away right off in the beginning it might have come across as if he was open to everyone.
If he refuses to say everything early on but does open up later, he communicates that it took him a while for him to fully trust her and allow her fully in his world.
And that can be a great way to communicate standards from his side.
I also use this technique often.
For example, I refuse to tell my age to women I have just met. And to answer clearly to the omni-present question if “I have ever dated a girl from her country”.
3. Listen Without Interrupting
Or, God forbid, fixing!
Before we go into the details, try to look at this video first.
What do you notice?
Did you notice her fear is fully irrational, and makes no sense?
When that happens to you do like Ethan Hawke and avoid the following:
- Injecting “rationality”
He doesn’t say something stupid, like “planes are safer”.
Oh yes Sherlock, are they? Really?
People don’t want to be be told “the truth” or what’s “rational”. They want to be understood, and they want to feel accepted.
The “truth” doesn’t matter.
- Fixing it
Also notice he doesn’t try to fix either her or her situation.
He doesn’t say how she can overcome the fear of death and flying; or that she could drive (how useless that would be?)
Sometimes people come to you with a problem. Then and only then it’s OK for you to help them out of it. But when you’re having a conversation getting to know each other?
Notice indeed how he is the epitome of full acceptance.
He just says:
That’s the kind of man she feels like she can say anything to without being judged (and of course it doesn’t hurt that he’s handsome).
- Using Vulnerabilities to Look Cool
Last but not least, some man exploit vulnerability as their occasion to look cooler and “more mannish”. Fixing it and injecting rationality are often indeed two ways with which men try to look more mannish.
Other times, they might do more directly, for example by saying:
Ehehe OK. I love plans instead. The more the turbulence, the more I sleep. I’m not afraid of death anyway..
How is she supposed to feel after someone exploits her vulnerability t oparades his “superiority” on her? She’d feel like that guy is an idiot, of course.
Such behavior starts a combative dynamic instead of an open, mutually supportive one. And she won’t open up ever again with you.
4. Let the Bond Develop Naturally
Trying to force the connection is another common mistake.
Bootman in “How to Make Someone Love You Forever in 90 Minutes or Less” says that to make people fall in love you have to repeat “me too” as often as possible and as quickly as possible.
Well, this guy here disagrees.
I think that’s utter nonsense. Forcing a connection early almost always will link you to superficial elements of the personality.
Just imagine the following:
You: Maybe we can get an ice cream, what do you think. I love their pistacchio ice cream
Her: Me too I love pistacchio!
You: Especially pistacchio ice cream with a cone, cones are awesome
Her: Me too, I love cones!
God, can you think of a more childlike way of connecting with someone?
You have to give time to people to come out of their shell instead to connect deeply.
The following sentence is also a common mistake people make in trying to force a connection:
I know how you feel
It’s annoying for people to hear and it can spectacularly backfire when you haven’t taken the time to really understand them.
See here an example:
He builds his own castle on completely wrong foundations.
And if there ever was a doubt, that’s when she is sure there is no connection at all between them.
Gottman says you don’t get any brownie points for “guessing their feelings right” and you should stop any mind-reading efforts. They’ll be grateful you give them the time to do so themselves.
5. Joke and Laugh Together
Did you think connecting emotionally was all about “deep talk” and sharing childhood trauma?
The art of charm says you shouldn’t use humor to emotionally connect with someone.
That’s not fully correct. You shouldn’t only use humor, but laughing together is an extremely powerful way to connect with people.
Laughing releases oxytocin, which bonds people together.
But even more importantly, laughing together says you share similar personalities. The type of humor we enjoy is indeed a big part of our personalities. Laughing together, to use the words of an ex girlfriend of mine, communicates that you “ride the same wave”.
Don’t take my word for it. Think of your best friends, or your old best friends and the people you get along with the best. Chances are you laugh a lot about the same things.
A bit of a weird example, but it can give you an idea of one of the ways with which laughter and play can bond people together:
Notice that the more abstract and weird the humor is, the more you two are bonded.
Laughing watching a comedy together is good, but if you can laugh about the “killer penguin” story you just made up, it;s even more powerful
Politically Incorrect Humor
Anything you can laugh about that you two wouldn’t mention publicly bonds you powerfully because you go into territory that you normally don’t go with other people.
It makes your interaction even more special.
Sometimes I make it a point of being racier and raw early on indeed: PC is for acquaintances. The “real” you with all its quirks and kinks is where real emotional connection takes place.
6. Build “Us VS The World”
I remember a morning of few years ago. Me an my ex girlfriend were sitting on a bench after she had spent the night at my place.
We sat in front of a small green lawn, watching dogs and people play around while we made light fun of the world that laid in front of our eyes.
This is very powerful. When you look at the world as if it was you two peeking from a window, you are communicating “that’s the world… and here it’s us“.
Little later she blurted out, something like this:
It feels as if it’s just the two of us in the world
That was the moment I knew she was falling hopelessly in love.
Here is another example from Family Guy (Steve McFarlan is an acute observer of the human condition):
7. Label and Cement the Emotional Connection
Remember the example above, when my ex girlfriend said she felt “as if there was only the two of us in the world?”.
Now if I wanted to cement that emotion, I would have paused and then added something like:
Yes. I think we really have a great connection. I am very glad we met.
And then maybe moved a bit closer or put an arm around her.
Why would you do that?
Because emotions are fleeting, and as we’ve seen above, it can happen that you lose your way after a deep connection and people might even get embarrassed for having laid their soul bare.
By labeling and commenting aloud on the emotions you bring them to the fore.
You say there is nothing to be ashamed of.
And even if you move on to lighter topics later one, you crystallized that deep connection in time.
You stated openly you two are connected, and if she confirms, it becomes official. You both know and acknowledge you two have a special bond.
You’re on boy :).
Him: I wish I had met you earlier, I really like talking to you
Her: Yeah, me too
That’s textbook labeling and cementing guys.
Labeling increases both the power and duration of your emotional connection.
8. Do Something Crazy and Adventurous
Doing anything excitement or mildly risky is a well known way of producing the same chemicals in our body responsible for attraction and infatuation.
It works wonders in romantic settings, but also deepens with the bond with same sex, straight individuals.
This is why war commandos often develop a strong camaraderie.
Here is another classic, classic movie (The Dreamers):
9. Spend a Whole Day Together
We have so far reviewed quite a few videos from “Before Sunrise”.
Well, one of the things that makes “Before Sunrise” a textbook example of a deep emotional connection is the fact they spend a whole night together.
When you spend lots of time together, changing venues and having several difference experience, it feels like you two know each other for a long time.
But the fact that you don’t know each other for a long time (or never knew each other so deeply), creates a contrast that is at the basis of what’s often referred to as “whirlwind romance”.
That’s the basis of many a romance novel story. And it’s incredibly powerful.
One of these days I’ll make an article specific on how to engineer whirlwind romance :). For now, let’s dig into the mindset of creating deep emotional connections before we wrap up:
Fundamentals of Deep Connection
As we have seen, to reliably build emotional and deep connections you must believe that getting to know the real person behind our masks is the only way to properly communicate and interact with people.
Once you internalize that mindset, the next steps are about the “courage” and spontaneity of the execution:
- build yourself into a person who is not ashamed of talking about deep and personal topics.
- overcome the fear of asking deep questions early on in the conversation
Once you put all three in places, you will be shocked at how quickly and reliably you can develop deep emotional bonds.
Because here is the truth about this world:
Most people are more scared and more lonely than they care to admit. And we all long for someone who comes along and listens with empathy and without judging us.
Once you are capable of reliably allowing people to open up and creating emotional bonds, you will be their savior.
Deep connection is an intertwining of souls and it’s supremely pleasurable, whether it’s in romantic settings or friendly ones.
Learning to build quick and deep emotional connections is something you should definitely learn and which will take your social skills to the next level.