Quote from John Freeman on January 11, 2024, 12:29 pm

Hello Lucio,

yeah as I learned here it's in those daily seemingly small interactions that we get to see where we're at in terms of social skills/dominance, assertiveness, etc.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 11, 2024, 9:15 am

Ended relationship, rusty approaches. Still, no, you can (temporarily) exit the "dating game"

I recently ended a relationship.

I did do some approaches even while in the relationship and openly told her.

But not many and far in between.

So some days ago I saw a lady I liked... And man, was I rusty :D.

This is why some dating coaches say "you always want to keep the skills fresh and never get out of the game".

But I very much disagree with that.

To me, that makes dating too big in your life.
Including when you don't strictly need it.

And of course dating is huge but... It's not everything.
And you may also transcend that game.

That "always be in the (dating) game" negates one of the advantages of relationships. That you can get to focus on something else (including the relationship).

My take instead is that, the only thing you should know is that you can get back in the game.
It may require some time and effort to warm back up, but that's totally fine.

That's SU approach: go laser-focused until you get what you want -girlfriend, rotation, experience/skills-, and then you can pull back.
And you can get back once again whenever you need it.

About the relationship, great lessons learned.

It was the most emotion-less ending ever.
A big contrast to some past relationships.

Also great experience from TPM's perspective.
It's great experience for me since relationships is the area where I don't have nearly as much experience as the other areas we deal with here.

As a fellow seducer, of course I love women so much that for me it's a pain to not seduce girls while in a relationship. In the recent future ex-relationship, I was still swiping on the dating app (leisure, but also horniness with no intention of following up). However, I decided that this time I'm not going to approach/seduce other girls while in it (I did not). I think it makes things easier. Otherwise it sends the message to the girl: you're not good enough for me. She might pretend she's ok with it but she is not. IF she's high self-esteem/high-quality. So personally, I would commit not to approach other woman while in a relationship no matter the duration or the depth. I think it's easier on our self-esteem and peace of mind. My 2 cents.

Gym encounters

Two different encounters:

Physically aggressive roid-rager tells me to move and then escalates. Considerations on maintaining (some) power when in (full) retreat/defense

Didn't come out of this with a huge win for sure lol.

Was my first time there, felt out of place in a gym that felt like gym/club with loud music.
Was trying to scope for a spot and I gave off "lost and lone guy" and "tentative vibes" which as per basic power dynamics invites bullying.

He tells me to move from in front of his mirror.
I take a little step and he's not happy with it.
Then he comes in front of my face, within my personal space.

I wasn't prepared for that at all, first time it happened outside of... High school, probably.

I limited damage with staying largely unreactive, moving and talking slow, and unthreatened.

And then made it a point to display better body language and attitude whenever I crossed him again.

Definitely not a win, but you can still send a good message by not showing fear.

I remember something similar as a teenager, but even (much) bigger.

I was at a fair, and patting a dog with my foot -I know, today I can see how it can look fucked up. Back then I didn't-.
The owner came out of his tent raging.
He yelled in front of my face as if he was about to attack and kept advancing, pushing me back for more than one round.
I put my hands up and retreated and repeated I was patting him. I never said "sorry". In hindsight and based on social feedback, avoided overly submissive body language-.

Back then I thought it was a major status loss with my group.

I was retreating, fully on the defensive, and almost literally "pushed around".
That guy wasn't even physically larger and much older, it was all out of pure social aggression.
How could have not been a huge loss?

(there was another element in the story, but can't write this publicly for now)

But then some time later a guy schooling another peer on "proper social behavior" said "see Lucio how he did it with that guy at the fair? No fear".
What I thought was a negative, this other peer saw a positive.

Should never be your goal or "comfort fallback option" to be only on the defensive of course.
But it's good to remember that you can send a good message even when you're on full retreat.

Yes, definitely. Nature created the flight/freeze defense for a reason. We cannot always be the stronger party. Running away from a pack of hooligans is not the strongest approach but it's the adaptive one hence the smartest. Survival is of the utmost important. And people understand that hence their reaction: "Lucio survived the encounter: he stood down but with his head held high".

Guy says it's "disgusting not to wear shoes", I check it, he's very nice then

Another guy asks me to wear shoes and I do since it's policy.

He then mutters to himself that "it's disgusting", which seems a bit too much.

I ask him "why is it disgusting". Not so much to know why of course, but to check it.

So he comes to me with a lecturing/aggressive tone.
I cut him off and raised my hand "yeah yeah, I want to understand why you say that".

But the real message was the sub-communication "speak normally, I'm not the type of guy who lets you lecture him with that tone".

He got it, changed approach, and then was super friendly.

Once he makes his point, I agree with him.

Then I see him being aggressive with others, but nice to me, including initiating conversation and making friendly jokes.

Standard power dynamics.

I think it was socially smooth and finesse.

Aggressive woman: checking Karen... & then realizing I was also in the wrong :S

I was standing in line and looking for rental cars on my phone.

A lady behind me aggressively complains -Karen type-,
Asks if I'm standing there checking the phone or in the queue.

I'm telling her there are no free agents and... She starts moving past me while I'm speaking :S.
Haven't seen something that forward in years.

I stop her (not grabbing her, but raising my hands and taking a step forward to show that I wasn't going to let her go past).

She moves back, but keeps on complaining behind me.
Her tone is still aggressive and, even more, demeaning towards me (something like me being an idiot standing there and checking the phone).

I turn around and say something like "hey, you don't need to be rude".

Again, it's more about the tone and attitude than the exact words.
My attitude was "you have no right to talk to me like that (and you will not)".

I look straight at her and she looks down.
I turn around facing again the counters and now I complain about "some people's poor behavior".

But something starts dawning on me: shit, maybe there are free agents.

Two of them were talking to each other and I though they'd be calling the queue when free.
Maybe they were just chatting and not calling anyone instead.

I wait some more seconds and then walk over.

Yep... They were free.
Just doing a poor job chatting to themselves and not calling the queue :S.

I was holding the queue.
Now I feel like the asshole.

Part of me wants to say sorry to the lady.
But with her attitude... I can't.
She was too aggressive and demeaning. And the type of person, she'd probably just social scalp on me.

So once I'm done I just walk back towards the queue to exit.

The next guy in line was almost literally twice my size in all directions.
And albeit there was enough space for a truck, he takes a big step on the side to make space.

LOL, a reminder that physical size is just but one element of social power dynamics.

The better eagle approach; apologize to those who deserve it, for the value-loss you cause

In hindsight, I should have said sorry to the others in the queue.

That would have been the eagle move:

• Mindset: don't be a taker
• You fail that, you own up to your mistakes
• And apologize (to those who deserve your apology, at least)

In this case, personally I would still have apologized to the woman. In my cultural context, respect and social harmony is very important. So we're used to apologize, even over-apologize. So I would have said on my way out crossing her path something like: "My apologies, I did not see that there was a free agent" with a smile. Her responsibility: she did not tell you there was a free agent and just barged in. But different styles and different cultural context.