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Lucio's journal
Instantly in my notes. Thanks for this!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 6, 2023, 12:50 pmHow to frame something as easy, without power-scalping
Framing something as "easy to do" can be a power move.
But what if something IS easy and you want to avoid the scalping component (ie.: "this is easy, so you have little credit with me / can only ask for little money")?
This can be an easy solution:
This should be easy for you (and your level of expertise)
So you turn it into a compliment.
I realized this when I was adding a task to my developer.
It was challenging for me, but easy for him, but I meant it more as a compliment. So just by adding that, you can turn a potential power move, into a compliment.Of course this can also be used more manipulative by good manipulators, so always look at context/history/overall character.
Interesting, to me it’s a definite power move.
My former boss would say those exact words to me a myriad of times, just to lower the value of the work I was doing. All the while increasing the perception of the difficulty of his work.
In my mind it’s impossible to separate the scalping component from the “compliment”, which has a judge tone anyway.
I personally, if someone said that to me now, would fight the frame anyways (ie even if it was a true compliment), maybe indirectly, ie taking the compliment but downplaying the judge component:
Other: It should be easy for you.
Me: Thanks, but this case is particular because… So it’s not easy.
Best to avoid any slippery slope on that.
Bel, this is to answer your take.
In business settings, the chances that it's a power move certainly increase.
And in certain professions, including the legal one, the odds may be even higher than the overall "general business setting".
In my complete ignorance of those professions, I cannot and do not make any attempt at even guessing the percentage of honest compliments VS definite power move (may as well be 90%+ of power moves).
That being said, in my opinion, it may be a case of over-cynicism not to consider the possibility, or a component, of honest praise.
Such as, it may be to focus too much on the predatory/manipulative nature of social exchanges and human nature, to the detriment of the more honest/uplifting other side of the coin.
Even if one's profession is full of power movers, I'd consider mellowing that stance in normal social life.
I don't pretend that this specific case of mine is representative of anything.
And still, even one single white dove DOES show that white doves exist.
And in this case, I'd be very happy to be charged more by this developer if that meant I could use his services more and with higher prio because he's just that good.
Plus, he's just a guy I like and admire for his trustworthiness, a guy that I'd be happy to meet in real person and help out with what I may help out with.
Lucio, Yes, I agree that if one uses that sentence once and half-jokingly, it may be in full truthful spirit.
And as you always say, it depends on the context.
And let me also say I wasn’t implying your post was “wrong” in any way, or that you saying that isn’t “just a compliment” : just expressing my thought on what I saw happen most of the times.
And as to “social” vs “business”, of course I agree. Though, as you also said first, it probably depends more on the person saying it: and I interpret things in good faith, when I deal with good people, as I think I’ve shown many times both in person and on this forum as well.
Quote from Bel on December 7, 2023, 10:58 amAnd let me also say I wasn’t implying your post was “wrong” in any way, or that you saying that isn’t “just a compliment” : just expressing my thought on what I saw happen most of the times.
I know, I know, my reply was more at a general level than about that specific case.
Off-topic
My comment on this, regarding my personal history and my understanding: if one has been burnt by manipulators before, then there is a risk of becoming biased towards interpreting the intentions of others as manipulative/malevolent. I think that's Lucio's point. At least that's been my experience and it might not be everyone's of course.
If this happens to us, then the risk is to make unneeded and unwanted enemies instead of neutral or potential allies. That is what I experienced at work for instance.
Also speaking at the general level, not this specific case.
Off-topic
Dress to impress or, at least, to get the most out of the world
Just a random reflection.
I was unwittingly doing the same journey several times a week, with the wrong ticket.
However, the controller only told me on a day when I was napping with my not-so-good-looking bomber jacket still on, and with the hoody above my head.
Is it a coincidence that all the other times when I was better dressed and laser-focused working on my laptop the controller didn't say anything -either didn't dig deep enough, or let it slip-?
Of course that could be the case -jumping to a conclusion is an epidemic-wide failure of basic critical thinking-.
But still... You gotta wonder.
And if I'd have to bet, I'd bet that if I'd repeat the same experiment with every single controller who said nothing, but sleeping and with the hoody on, things would change.
Attitude also matters, of course.
The previous times my phone was either already out, or quickly out moving fast with an attitude of "here it is, I'm good, not wasting your time, you don't waste time".
The napping time it was slower, time-waster style -and also wasting his time, turning into a power move-.
Thank you for this, Lucio.
Totally also reflects my own experience, in different but similar situations (including being stopped on the street or not, being disrespected or not in restaurants, and being heard by judges in hearings - all depending first on how I’m dressed).
I also came to the conclusion that any piece of clothing that’s “meh” is best thrown out.
Hello Lucio,
that is so true. It goes together with body language. I think generally speaking we know that people either evaluate someone as friend/foe and above/below. I noticed humans also analyze in terms of weak/strong. So if we appear weaker than them in their minds they feel allowed to dominate us (figuratively speaking). If they feel we are stronger they think twice before trying. It depends which category we activate in their mind: honest worker go-getter traveller or something else.
Some random updates.
They cover the last months actually.
But rather than my journal, I write here:
Ended relationship, rusty approaches. Still, no, you can (temporarily) exit the "dating game"
I recently ended a relationship.
I did do some approaches even while in the relationship and openly told her.
But not many and far in between.
So some days ago I saw a lady I liked... And man, was I rusty :D.
This is why some dating coaches say "you always want to keep the skills fresh and never get out of the game".
But I very much disagree with that.
To me, that makes dating too big in your life.
Including when you don't strictly need it.
And of course dating is huge but... It's not everything.
And you may also transcend that game -and one may even say that's a worthy goal and achievement-
That "always be in the (dating) game" negates one of the advantages of relationships.
That you can get to focus on something else (including the relationship).
My take instead is that the only thing you should know is that you can get back in the game.
Even if requires some time and effort to warm back up, but that's totally fine -and still higher ROI than always "staying in"-.
That's SU approach: go super-focused until you get what you want -girlfriend, rotation, experience/skills-, and then you can pull back.
And you can get back once again whenever you need it.
About the relationship, great lessons learned.
It was the most emotion-less ending ever.
A big contrast to some past relationships.
Also great experience from TPM's perspective.
It's great experience for me since relationships is the area where I don't have nearly as much experience as the other areas we deal with here.
Gym encounters
Two different encounters:
Physically aggressive roid-rager tells me to move and then escalates. Considerations on maintaining (some) power when in (full) retreat/defense
Didn't come out of this with a huge win for sure lol.
Was my first time there, felt out of place in a gym that felt like gym/club with loud music.
Was trying to scope for a spot and I gave off "lost and lone guy" and "tentative vibes" which as per basic power dynamics invites bullying.
He tells me to move from in front of his mirror.
I take a little step and he's not happy with it.
Then he comes in front of my face, within my personal space.
I wasn't prepared for that at all, first time it happened outside of... High school, probably.
I limited damage with staying largely unreactive, moving and talking slow, and unthreatened.
And then made it a point to display better body language and attitude whenever I crossed him again.
Definitely not a win, but you can still send a good message by not showing fear.
I remember something similar as a teenager, but even (much) bigger.
I was at a fair, and patting a dog with my foot -I know, today I can see how it can look fucked up. Back then I didn't-.
The owner came out of his tent raging.
He yelled in front of my face as if he was about to attack and kept advancing, pushing me back for more than one round.
I put my hands up and retreated and repeated I was patting him. I never said "sorry". In hindsight and based on social feedback, avoided overly submissive body language-.
Back then I thought it was a major status loss with my group.
I was retreating, fully on the defensive, and almost literally "pushed around".
That guy wasn't even physically larger and was an old man, it was all out of pure social aggression.
How could have not been a huge loss?
(there was another element in the story, but can't write this publicly for now)
But then some time later a guy schooling another peer on "proper social behavior" said "see Lucio how he did it with that guy at the fair? No fear".
What I thought was a negative, this other peer saw a positive.
Should never be your goal or "comfort fallback option" to be only on the defensive of course.
But it's good to remember that you can send a good message even when you're on full retreat.
Guy says it's "disgusting not to wear shoes", I check it, he's very nice then
Another guy asks me to wear shoes and I do since it's policy.
He then mutters to himself that "it's disgusting", which seems a bit too much.
I ask him "why is it disgusting". Not so much to know why of course, but to check it.
So he comes to me with a lecturing/aggressive tone.
I cut him off and raised my hand "yeah yeah, I want to understand why you say that".
But the real message was the sub-communication "speak normally, I'm not the type of guy who lets you lecture him with that tone".
He got it, changed approach, and then was super friendly.
Once he makes his point, I agree with him.
Then I see him being aggressive with others, but nice to me, including initiating conversation and making friendly jokes.
Standard power dynamics.
Aggressive woman: checking Karen... & then realizing I was also in the wrong :S
I was standing in line and looking for rental cars on my phone.
A lady behind me aggressively complains -Karen type-,
Asks if I'm standing there checking the phone or in the queue.
I'm telling her there are no free agents and... She starts moving past me while I'm speaking :S.
Haven't seen something that forward in years.
I stop her (not grabbing her, but raising my hands and taking a step forward to show that I wasn't going to let her go past).
She moves back, but keeps on complaining behind me.
Her tone is still aggressive and, even more, demeaning towards me (something like me being an idiot standing there and checking the phone).
I turn around and say something like "hey, you don't need to be rude".
Again, it's more about the tone and attitude than the exact words.
My attitude was "you have no right to talk to me like that (and you will not)".
I look straight at her and she looks down.
I turn around facing again the counters and now I complain about "some people's poor behavior".
But something starts dawning on me: shit, maybe there are free agents.
Two of them were talking to each other and I though they'd be calling the queue when free.
Maybe they were just chatting and not calling anyone instead.
I wait some more seconds and then walk over.
Yep... They were free.
Just doing a poor job chatting to themselves and not calling the queue :S.
I was holding the queue.
Now I feel like the asshole.
Part of me wants to say sorry to the lady.
But with her attitude... I can't.
She was too aggressive and demeaning. And the type of person, she'd probably just social scalp on me.
So once I'm done I just walk back towards the queue to exit.
The next guy in line was almost literally twice my size in all directions.
And albeit there was enough space for a truck, he takes a big step on the side to make space.
LOL, a reminder that physical size is just but one element of social power dynamics.
The better eagle approach; apologize to those who deserve it, for the value-loss you cause
In hindsight, I should have said sorry to the others in the queue.
That would have been the eagle move:
- Mindset: don't be a taker
- You fail that, you own up to your mistakes
- And apologize (to those who deserve your apology, at least)
