Mats's Journal
Nice going Mats!
Quick idea: you may want to consider not differentiating too much between "value" and "power" since there is plenty of overlap between the two.
I've spent the past 2-3 months working on improving my mindsets, and I'm finally starting to see some success. I started writing out the mindsets I'm trying to incorporate every morning, but it's difficult to notice a difference. In the past month I had three moments that really showed me how far I've come:
Confronting an aggressive drunk
One of my neighbors seems to struggle from an alcohol-addiction. What makes this worse is that when he is drunk he often wants to fight. Last summer he came onto my property drunk, screaming and insulting both me and my family, and refused to leave. This happened several times and I didn't know how to handle it. Since I'm scared of conflicts, I spent that entire summer incredibly stressed because I feared he would come back. My go-to approach at the time (this was before I joined PU) was to speak friendly and calm him down until he eventually left, but this would usually take about 30 minutes and he kept coming back anyways.
A few weeks ago, he got drunk and started walking around on his property with a chainsaw, threatening to saw down one of our buildings because he claims it's too close to his yard. He started fighting with my day, and when I noticed I came out and confronted him. This time I did not try to calm him down, instead I was angry and told him forcefully and repeatedly to leave because he as drunk. Unfortunately I was emotionally invested and I sank down to his level instead of sticking to eagle-behavior.
What made me happy about this though was that after he left, I was a little annoyed but nothing else. In the past I would have been stressed for a long time and scared of the same thing happening again, but now I can only see him as a low quality individual that isn't worth my time.
Overcame a low point in my life
Last week I realized that I have lived all my life prioritizing making others happy over making myself happy. When I realized this I set out to change this, but almost immediately I found that it had been ingrained deeply. After failing to change my behavior I felt horrible, and I even cried for a while. I've had similar points in my life where I've been incredibly productive and felt like I'm making change, only to find myself back to square one thinking that nothing has changed. These moments have always been crushing for me, but this time I wasn't even close to being crushed, which showed me how much stronger my mind has become. Even at the worst point I still knew that I had grown a lot and that this was a temporary setback, which is not how I would have thought in the past.
Started seeing and using power moves to stand up for myself
Yesterday a friend of mine wanted me to help out at his restaurant, and I agreed even though I didn't really want to. Right as I was finishing my shift the owner asked me if I could work today, which I didn't want to do at all, but I still said yes. Today when I worked I was furious and dialed down my warmth whenever I was interacting with the owner (which I think was petty of me). At the end of the shift, she asked me if I could work tomorrow, and the following interaction occurred:
Her: "Mats can you work tomorrow?"
Me: "No."
Her: "Shut up. What do you mean no?" (The "shut up" was said in a joking manner, but I did not find it funny at all).
Me: "No, I'm not working tomorrow." (I also shot her a glare when she told me to shut up, but I doubt she noticed).
After that she kept trying to get me to work, but I kept saying no. Eventually I said goodbye and tried to hug her, which she refused and she again told me to shut up. I know that she did this in a joking manner, and that this is the way they speak to each other at the restaurant, but I was very angry that she would tell me to shut up after I agreed to come and help her.
After that I walked out, but halfway to the bus I started asking myself why I would let her get away with treating me like that. I walked back to the restaurant, but I felt weird about it so I started talking to her about payment first. After that I addressed her rude behavior:
Me: "By the way, I know you were just joking, but don't tell me to shut up."
Her: "I did it as a joke. That's how I always talk with my closer friends, I usually say it to the cooks."
Me: "I know, I understand that, but it is disrespectful. Don't say it to me."
She kept explaining how she was just joking then told me that if I didn't like it she wouldn't do it anymore. She then patted my cheek and smiled at me and we hugged before I left.
At first I was very happy with myself for going back and confronting her despite being conflict-adverse, but then when I got on the bus I realized that her "kind" behavior of patting my cheek and telling me that she wouldn't tell me to shut up "if I didn't like it" was just as disempowering for me as telling me to shut up. I don't blame her for it, I understand that she didn't mean any harm and she was genuinely trying to be nice, but if it happens again in the future I will call it out. The most important part of all this for me is that I can now spot when people use power moves against me, and I'm starting to build up the confidence to confront it.
I think you're on a great success path Mats G!
Thank you Bel! Your posts about dealing with manipulative/toxic people were actually what pushed me to go back and confront the owner of the restaurant 🙂
Quote from Mats G on May 5, 2022, 5:09 pmConfronting an aggressive drunk
One of my neighbors seems to struggle from an alcohol-addiction. What makes this worse is that when he is drunk he often wants to fight. Last summer he came onto my property drunk, screaming and insulting both me and my family, and refused to leave. This happened several times and I didn't know how to handle it. Since I'm scared of conflicts, I spent that entire summer incredibly stressed because I feared he would come back. My go-to approach at the time (this was before I joined PU) was to speak friendly and calm him down until he eventually left, but this would usually take about 30 minutes and he kept coming back anyways.
A few weeks ago, he got drunk and started walking around on his property with a chainsaw, threatening to saw down one of our buildings because he claims it's too close to his yard. He started fighting with my day, and when I noticed I came out and confronted him. This time I did not try to calm him down, instead I was angry and told him forcefully and repeatedly to leave because he as drunk. Unfortunately I was emotionally invested and I sank down to his level instead of sticking to eagle-behavior.
What made me happy about this though was that after he left, I was a little annoyed but nothing else. In the past I would have been stressed for a long time and scared of the same thing happening again, but now I can only see him as a low quality individual that isn't worth my time.
Awesome man, that emotional detachment is what true mental power / self-development is all about.
BTW, if you are very sure this guy talks big but is harmless, then OK.
Otherwise, if you have any doubt, strap a go-pro on your forehead and pack a gun on the back of your pants.
If he attacks with a chain saw and you're unarmed, your only option is to run and if you can't escape you risk big.
If he attacks with a chain saw and you're armed and recording... You may get rid of the issue once and for all :).
Filming him and keeping those recordings is also a good idea in any case.
Quote from Mats G on May 5, 2022, 5:09 pm
Started seeing and using power moves to stand up for myself
Yesterday a friend of mine wanted me to help out at his restaurant, and I agreed even though I didn't really want to. Right as I was finishing my shift the owner asked me if I could work today, which I didn't want to do at all, but I still said yes. Today when I worked I was furious and dialed down my warmth whenever I was interacting with the owner (which I think was petty of me). At the end of the shift, she asked me if I could work tomorrow, and the following interaction occurred:
Her: "Mats can you work tomorrow?"
Me: "No."
Her: "Shut up. What do you mean no?" (The "shut up" was said in a joking manner, but I did not find it funny at all).
Me: "No, I'm not working tomorrow." (I also shot her a glare when she told me to shut up, but I doubt she noticed).
After that she kept trying to get me to work, but I kept saying no. Eventually I said goodbye and tried to hug her, which she refused and she again told me to shut up. I know that she did this in a joking manner, and that this is the way they speak to each other at the restaurant, but I was very angry that she would tell me to shut up after I agreed to come and help her.
After that I walked out, but halfway to the bus I started asking myself why I would let her get away with treating me like that. I walked back to the restaurant, but I felt weird about it so I started talking to her about payment first. After that I addressed her rude behavior:
Me: "By the way, I know you were just joking, but don't tell me to shut up."
Her: "I did it as a joke. That's how I always talk with my closer friends, I usually say it to the cooks."
Me: "I know, I understand that, but it is disrespectful. Don't say it to me."
She kept explaining how she was just joking then told me that if I didn't like it she wouldn't do it anymore. She then patted my cheek and smiled at me and we hugged before I left.
At first I was very happy with myself for going back and confronting her despite being conflict-adverse, but then when I got on the bus I realized that her "kind" behavior of patting my cheek and telling me that she wouldn't tell me to shut up "if I didn't like it" was just as disempowering for me as telling me to shut up. I don't blame her for it, I understand that she didn't mean any harm and she was genuinely trying to be nice, but if it happens again in the future I will call it out. The most important part of all this for me is that I can now spot when people use power moves against me, and I'm starting to build up the confidence to confront it.
BOOM, this is huge, freaking nice!
You can really pat yourself in the back big time for that.
It's very difficult to change ingrained and recurring power imbalances and mistreatment, and even more difficult to do so in an assertive but not aggressive way.
And you did exactly that, to perfection.
First with the strength of saying "no" to what you indeed didn't want to do, and then going one step above and beyond demanding proper treatment.
Plus all the awareness of power moves, awesome.
Thank you Lucio!
I've said it before but PU has really been life changing, by far the best purchase I've ever made.
As for my neighbor, if he comes back again I'll probably make a thread about it. You're right that even though I consider him to be fairly harmless, I could also be wrong. Alcohol can certainly make people do unpredictable and dangerous things.
Thank you for the kind words, Mats!
And one thing I wanted to add:
You did great with your no to your boss.
To draw a parallel with physical self-defense, when you're in a self-defense life and death situation, you want to defend yourself with all you've got and you can care less about perfect form.
However, that doesn't mean that form is useless, as form generally allows you to maximize effectiveness.
So in that case your "no" was pure, raw, effective self-defense.
That being said, now if you want to look more at the form to take it to the next level, you may want to power-protect your bosses more.
The "no" disempowers them badly as it communicates to the people around they don't have neither the power over the people they hire, nor the respect.
In a way, that no as a standalone is disempowering to them and slightly disrespectful.
So for perfect form, next time you may want to power protect more by adding either a few more words, some facial expressions, or "explaining that no away" with the actual reasons why you can't.
Ie.:
I see. Unluckily tomorrow I can't (facial expression that says "I'm sorry, it sucks that I can't help")
I'm back to the Forum
For the past few months I've been taking a break from PU, UP, the Forum, and TPM in general. I felt like I wasn't quite advanced enough to partake in many of the discussions here, so I went to work on some fundamentals. Now I'm back, and even though I'm still lacking severely in many areas I have built up a solid inner foundation of mindsets and confidence.
I started studying basic social skills
This was, and still is, one of my weakest areas at the moment. My emotional intelligence is low and I'm often the person in a group who is just there and doesn't really belong. I have started reading The Social-Skills Guidebook, but it's a slow process.
I'm also going through Social Selfs program Awkward to Awesome, and for me as a beginner it's helping me improve a lot. I still have a long way to go with my social skills but it's an amazing feeling to see improvement in my social life, even if it's just small steps like finding things to say in a conversation.
I went through The Perfect Voice
After hearing both Ali and Lucio speaking highly of this course I decided to try it out myself. I learned a lot from it but didn't put in quite enough work, so I'll be going through it again and putting in more practice.
I started working on my own website
After reading the article about reflecting on mortality I really changed my outlook on life. I started working on my own projects and doing things that I believe I will be proud of when I'm on my deathbed. One of these things is a website. At the moment it's just for fun that I work on when I have some spare time, but regardless of if it will become something more or not it speaks to how far I've come to be able to put myself out there and prioritizing my goals over the fear of being judged. Seriously, reading that article is probably one of the most empowering and impactful things I've ever done.
Planning to go through PU again
After I finished PU I felt like I had changed a lot as a person and achieved a good foundation of power awareness. Now I want to go through it all again with more of a fine tooth comb approach and take notes (similar to Alis approach). By doing this I believe I'll achieve a much more advanced level of power awareness and high quality behavior than I currently possess.
Considering taking time off from my University studies
I've been studying to become a history teacher for nearly a year and a half now. I still have three and a half years left, but the more I study at university the more I feel like the education is just one big waste of time. While I really like teaching people things I don't feel like the education is making me much better at that.
Right now I'm in a stage where I need to decide if I want to continue doing this so I can get a job as a teacher in the future, or if I should take some time off to work on my own self development. So far I have been doing both simultaneously, but it has resulted in me half-assing both things as I find myself too short on time and energy to do both properly.
What I would really like to do is stop studying, maybe get a part-time job and just spend my time learning as much as possible and improving myself to the point where I can work for myself (something like Lucio does with TPM). However, I'm scared to do this for three reasons: 1) the thought scares me, I can't find the words to describe why but I'm very scared of taking risks; 2) I worry that if I do take time off from my studies (like a gap year) and start working, the job will take too much of my energy and I'll be in the exact same situation as right now, not having enough energy to dedicate myself to my self improvement; 3) since I still live with my parents I feel like I would be disappointing them and leeching off of their resources if my attempts were to fail.
I still have some time to think about this, and I believe these hindrances are more a result of a weak mindset rather than actual problems. In the coming two months I'll be putting a lot of thought into what I will do.
Looking forward to interacting with everybody again!
Good to see you again, Mats -and came back with a bang, too :)-.
Just a few notes:
In my experience, "temporary leaving one's course of study" more times than not is permanent, rather than temporary.
Which can be both a good, or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it (and depending on whatever else you decide to do goes).
It's true that what you study in school or uni generally doesn't compare to what you can do on your own, but that just seems to be how things are, and it's either you accept and get that paper, or... Do your thing.
And about doing your own thing, consider that you may have a lot more free time doing it while as a student, or while working as a history teacher, than in most other jobs.
So, in a way, if you want to quit to have more time, keeping doing what you're doing may actually be a valid, or even great, option.
You "only" need to accept that your main growth and learning won't be coming from uni.
Quote from Mats G on October 18, 2022, 6:53 pmI'm also going through Social Selfs program Awkward to Awesome, and for me as a beginner it's helping me improve a lot. I still have a long way to go with my social skills but it's an amazing feeling to see improvement in my social life, even if it's just small steps like finding things to say in a conversation.
Cool man, I always thought Morin's idea of using an actual party place packed with cameras was such a great idea.
I've been thinking whether to invest in some glasses/sunglasses with a camera and strap a microphone while going through life to record more real-life examples (for example, when I described my interaction with that dominant head waiter, it could have been PU material with a recording).
Let us know if you like it and/or learn a lot from it.