Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 19, 2022, 2:48 pm

Letting a negative judge get a raise out of me

The other day I was waiting in life at the checkout, talking on the phone.

One lady behind said something about "Italians" and I turned around to smile at her.
That's when I realized she wasn't actually making a fun-fact comment about nationalities, but she wanted to complain about me being loud.

I apologized and talked more quietly as, indeed, I had earpieces in and didn't realize I was being loud.

But lower voice wasn't enough, and she kept complaining that I should not talk at the store's checkout and go outside instead.

She wasn't complaining directly to me, which would have been a more eagle way of going about it, but while talking to her man beside her and loud enough to make the others around us hear, while and referring to me.
I found that an annoying power move.

Only when I ignored it, she then asked me to stop.

Her request also seemed outside of normal social etiquette: if people can talk to themselves at the checkout, there's no reason why one can't talk at the phone, where the noise is actually halved (there's only one person talking).
Effective people seek to maximize downtimes, so the way I see it, calling home during a downtime is the most effective thing one can do.

So I told her I wasn't going to stop because there was nothing wrong that one had to stop anything.
And she kept complaining. At a certain point, she said that "she finds it sad", a total judge power move.

Unluckily, I eventually let that get to me, and I acted like a jerk.
I acted beneath me and my behavior was a disappointment to myself and my own standards.

The aggravation is that it's easy to be a jerk to an older lady.
Had I turned around and faced a group of guys, would have I done the exact same? No, and when you're a jerk to others "because you can", that's your cue that you're being a turkey.

As I reflected on it the way home, I realized it wasn't cool and turned around looking for her and her husband.
I wanted to apologize (talking about how apologies tell you about people's character: if you know you've done something wrong, you should want to apologize). I was going to tell her that she wasn't in the right, but I had still been a jerk and wanted to say sorry to her.
If I had done that, it would have done my evening. Unluckily, I didn't see her though.

It was a small yet important experience and lesson learned.

Quote from Bel on October 19, 2022, 3:02 pm

Thank you for sharing this Lucio.

From your post, she came to somewhat deserving to be told she has to rethink her strategy.

I also found myself in similar situations in the past.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 20, 2022, 10:28 am

Thank you Bel!

Yes, she definitely was not in the right and could be easily defined as an annoying and, in her own covert way, aggressive person -today one may even call say that behavior makes her close to a "Karen"-.

On the other hand, I did plenty of wrong in this.

Two things can be right -or wrong- at the same time: one person started it and was in the wrong, and the other person can also act out and equally be in the wrong. This time, that second person was me.

Now to deal with some more practical wisdom:

How to handle it properly

I think that two courses of actions would have been good -and certainly better than what I ended up doing-:

1. Address it openly and directly: put the call on hold for a minute, turn to talk to the woman in a polite, yet straight, and direct manner. Tell her you understand that people one the phone can be annoying, and that you agree and sometimes feel the same. But that calling is legal and can also be done respectfully as well, and that you need to have this call now because you're a busy man with things to do (a slight covert power move, too).
   Then, politely frame impose as you refuse to budge and maintain your right and decision.
   Wish her well once you're exiting the place, and done.
2. Ignore it: simply keep having the call. Once you make sure you're not too loud anymore, then it's perfectly your right to keep talking on the phone

If anyone has any different take or approaches, happy to read.

Quote from Mats G on October 20, 2022, 2:23 pm

That's a tricky situation; on one hand, she's disempowering you with an unreasonable request, but on the other hand there may be people around who agree with her.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 20, 2022, 10:28 am

1. Address it openly and directly: put the call on hold for a minute, turn to talk to the woman in a polite, yet straight, and direct manner. Tell her you understand that people one the phone can be annoying, and that you agree and sometimes feel the same. But that calling is legal and can also be done respectfully as well, and that you need to have this call now because you're a busy man with things to do (a slight covert power move, too).
   Then, politely frame impose as you refuse to budge and maintain your right and decision.
   Wish her well once you're exiting the place, and done.

I like this, it's high power and still respectful. By showing that you understand her position you power-protect her and move more towards a collaborative frame (i.e. we agree with each other).

In this particular situation I would have opted to attack her tone since it was disrespectful and uncalled for. Especially since she continued even after you lowered your voice.

I would say something like:

Her: "People shouldn't be speaking on their phones at checkout."

Me: Turn towards her with strong eye contact and wait a second before speaking "If you would have asked me directly, in a respectful way, to stop talking on the phone, I would have happily done so. But instead you were rude and disrespectful. It speaks very poorly of your character."

Here I move away from her frame (me being annoying) and set a new one (she is rude and disrespectful). The risk with this answer is that it could make her angrier and lead to an escalation or turkey spiral. It might also be too high investment.

An alternative could be to just turn around and look at her as if to say "are you serious?" and then shake your head and continue with your conversation.

 

If she would have instead asked in a respectful manner, I would have said something like:

Me: "Ah, my bad. I'll hang up in a second, I just need to speak with him a little bit longer first"

I would say this with a smile and then proceed to speak with a lower voice.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 20, 2022, 3:43 pm

Thank you Mats, great stuff!

I like the "rude and disrespectful" bit.
If I'd go for that, I'd just make it a bit shorter and maybe more direct to avoid onver-investing.

The noverbal one is golden.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 2, 2022, 10:02 am

Social Strategy: Record But Ignore Their "Value Displays"

Some days ago I was sitting with a friend, I think I can say, for some food.

He talked about the lunch he had with the "heads".

I don't think he did it on purpose, it was just fitting with the discussion.

But that was important information.
It sub-communicates that he's a top decision-maker, with easy and continued access to other top decision-makers

You bet I registered that.
Some businesses have a circle and email distribution lists they refer to as "heads", which are the heads of departments who receive and decide on all the major strategic decisions.

BUT...

I also ignored it and made it a point to avoid any facial telltale that may say "I'm impressed" and continued discussing as if it were normal, as if I knew it already, and as if I didn't care.

This is better because:

• It frames you as a high-value guy used to deal with the top guys, as if it's normal for you to mingle with high-status folks. Acting surprised instead would sub-communicate the opposite: that you're not used to high-value people. That's bad because it's a social climber and taker's frame
• It avoids self-framing as interested in what he can do for you, albeit it's normal to run that mental computation, it's still not something you want to thread-expand on, because people who are only interested in what others can do for them get a bad rep (and sometimes, for good reasons).
  Also, since you're dealing with each other as friends, it's best to keep it as friends first, and possible business and favor exchange second, as a consequence of the good relationship

Edit:
It's also OK to comment on it, such as: "oh you're one of the heads man"?
And then congratulate him.
It may be even better actually... As long as you do it naturally, as a friend rather than a social climber, and with honest appreciation and happiness for his good career.
In my case, I chose the ignore option for other considerations.

Feedback Please

Do let me know if "smaller tips" like this one are valuable.

It'll help me decide if smaller stuff like this one should find its way in PU.

Quote from Jack on December 2, 2022, 12:32 pm

Yes, it is super helpful, your journal is a goldmine

it is a great example of how to embody and use everything we learn in power University

Because the examples are personal and a bit longer

For example, the growth mindset really came to life for me when I read that you are in Korea and are using dating coach even though you are already on a expert level I was like okay this is how are you really act it

With your travel, Jornal, I understood the principle of how to move fast with girls

For me, personally the theory really start to make sense when I can see how it is acted in real life

Quote from Ali Scarlett on December 2, 2022, 12:38 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 2, 2022, 10:02 am

Feedback Please

Do let me know if "smaller tips" like this one are valuable.

It'll help me decide if smaller stuff like this one should find its way in PU.

I agree with Lilsim it's valuable.

And yet, I personally can't think of anywhere in PU it wouldn't be "repetitive" per se.

Most people who come out of PU at least have the power awareness to know that they shouldn't be gawking at impressive things other people do/say (it's mentioned as "low-value behavior," if I remember correctly).

So, I think the more valuable addition (if it's not there already) might be to never tell people they're different. Not only as an approach but as a mindset to social life for making people feel good/comfortable/normal with you.

And, although it wasn't the main focus of this post, one can use this example as a case of ignoring "value displays" to avoid putting one on a pedestal.

P.S.:

These thoughts are based on my own personal experience, so maybe take them with a grain of salt.

I've spent (and still do spend) a lot of time networking with high-value guys.

And, if I had to choose between reading this post or the other one for the best return on my time back when I first started out, I would've chosen the other one because I feel that the principles of the "never tell people their different" post covers the main goal of this latest one and more.

That is to say, at least for me, the goal isn't just to "not look low-value/like a potential taker", but to make friends and allies. And, the other post gives more value in teaching that (at least for me).

Edit:

Changed wording.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 2, 2022, 3:46 pm

Thank you so much, lilism, super helpful!

And thank you, Ali!
Golden reflection, and the line that "most people coming out of PU already know that... " is exactly what I wasn't sure about and exactly what you clarified (and went above and beyond with the explanation and parallel with the "never tell people they're different", which you're spot-on with the dynamics: this is a specific case of "not making people feel different").