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My Journey to Love

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Something else is that during the call:

  • I had to call him, he did not call me at the given time. Last time I missed the call (that he made) as I forgot about it so we had to reschedule.
  • I had to introduce myself, he did not. I had to ask his name as he wanted to get right to business. His name was supposedly "Johnny" but he had a think Indian accent.
  • I had to probe a lot to understand why he was proposing me this option.
  • I had to ask for different ways of paying.
  • He told me he could not be long on the phone.
  • Generally, I did not feel like his goal was to provide me with value during the call, but he was going through the motions.

So my general impression is that he's not so socially skilled. My second impression is: so that is how you treat a potential $3000 customer?

So this did not give me a good general impression of the person I was talking to: not energetic, possibly lies about his name, not focused on providing value, not even considering a discount, I had to do the work instead of him, felt like he was not happy to talk to me and looking forward to hang up. I had to go: "One last question" to keep him on the line.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Hello everyone,

I'm back. I'm done with my deadlines. I have many posts to catch-up! I quickly saw that there was a discussion on the power of apologies: totally agree that there is power in apologies. It is also an art in itself. Anyway, going back to the topic.

I listened to "Mate". I agree with Lucio, this book is fundamental. I learned so much stuff, it helped me a lot. I recommend it warmly as well.

My current situation

I'm doing online dating exclusively currently. I installed Bumble and I have a success I did not have on Tinder. I think I am "shadow banned" for having swiped too much to the right in the past. That is I have a poor Tinder score for my swiping behaviour I think. I will do a hard reset soon.

I have now met 4 times this chubby 34 redhead Irish girl. She's cool and the sex is fantastic. Dating process: 1. drinks, 2. restaurants, 3. cooking together at my place (thanks Lucio for this one!), 4. her place.

I have 2-4 dates a week and I have plenty of matches with girl of good quality, contrary to Tinder. So I created the momentum I talked about.

My current goal

To become an even better seducer to get access to higher quality women through: improving my physique, clothes, posture, teeth, etc. Improving my dating skills with books and dating many women.

I'm still looking for my big breasted blue eyed blond girl and I know she is not her. I'm happy as she's my first redhead and I love redheads. However this is not my goal.

My current challenge

I noticed she was starting to fall in love so I decided to wait 2 weeks to see her. She was texting me but I was a bit distant on purpose. My goal was still to see her but to leave some time in-between. I still contacted her when I was out because I was thinking about her (feelings were developing on my side as well).

Then as I was out with my friends after a nice message:

Her: Listen I get the impression that you are not really that interested in this which is 100% ok but there is no point in keep dragging it out I think we can probably leave it here! It was lovely nice to meet you though and a lot of fun.

Me: I'm quite surprised by your message I'll call you later.

I called her and I understood that basically she wanted more exchanges and that I initiate it more often (which I did less during the week due to me trying to create a bit of distance).

I managed to repair the relationship, now I contact her more often and will see her next week.

However, I feel again that I'm kind of blackmailed into a relationship and I don't feel good about it. So this pushes me to consider even less a relationship with her as before this event, I was open to have my mind changed.

My analysis

  • I did not qualify her enough so there was a part of "he only wants sex", even though we played a board game, went to restaurant AKA did romantic stuff
  • I was too high in power so there was an auto-reject part. There might be an imbalance in value but I'm not sure. She's chubby so that's the major downside with her.
  • Since I went the romantic route, I cannot then be distant, this is not consistent. It's not a girl I met in the club and we both knew it was for sex only. There is romance involved.
  • I noticed that women are very sensitive to you not talking/talking little to them in-between time you see them. As they get attached VERY quickly, as soon as they have had a few orgasms many get attached. Then it's painful for them if you don't get in touch and exchange with them in-between the time you see them.
  • Once you have sex with a girl, it's a bit mandatory/expected that you see her once a week. So once a week with message in between even if short fulfill their needs for being sure that they are not being used.
  • There are insecurities on her part and this might also come from a possible (not sure) value imbalance.

My current view

Now I have a view of the "romance", a romance is a love story but with a finite life (almost all of them are). This was the grey area I needed to feel comfortable with meeting different girls and not committing. It's the grey between "one-night-stand" and "relationship".

What I will do next

  • Expand my dating life through going out and cold approach.
  • Improve my profile with pictures (mate advice) of: "aesthetic proof (nice clothes)", "tender defender (me with a cat/puppy)" and improve my "athletic proof".

I'm curious about your thoughts on my current stage:

  • Shall I break up because she wants more?
  • Shall I continue as I can get sex with a sexy cool girl?
  • At what point during your seduction process do you reveal you have a short-term strategy with this particular girl? (as you may have a long-term one with another one) do you even reveal it or not?

I'm tired of feeling guilty for getting what I want. I'm happy to go machiavellian on this. However I want to be as honest as possible. I want my cake and eat it too. I want to continue to have sex with her while being able to meet new women and being honest. So my current solution is leaving some things unsaid and if clarifications come or I get caught, I'll end the relationship. It's not the most ethical but it's the solution that is most beneficial for me. At the same time I don't lie to her as I don't promise anything. I leave it unclear on purpose. I also want that if the break up comes, it's on my term. I felt hurt when she wrote me the message as I felt rejected. However there was also an element of power. I choose now. I worked a lot for this so I want to choose. I know it might sound quite dark triad stuff and there might be elements here (machiavellianism in particular). However I do all of this to be able to choose my dating life.

I'm tired to get blackmailed by women into relationships. I mean: her request is fair. It's the way she does it that is not. And I use this as "moral licensing" to do what I want from now on (I already was: this is self-criticism/self-awareness).

I am not saying all of the above is what Lucio is doing. However, I understood now that during a seduction it's a win-win even if it does not end up in a relationship. The time spent together is good time anyway. As a friend told me: "Her expectations for the relationship is her responsibility not yours".

I don't want to lead someone on but still want to have a romance. I just don't want someone to tell me: "either you commit now (after 4 encounters) or it's over!"

NB: I will share my online dating process in a post soon as it is now streamlined and I'm confident to share it as it is proven now.

Happy to be back!

Cheers!

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Hello John, good to see you around again, and glad to hear you're rocking.

I think it's totally fine to keep it as it is.

Women have a natural sense and intuition for what's that "grey area" in-between one night stand, and commitment -and a pretty good idea about what isn't going to end in commitment-.

Plus, among the "non-written rules", if she wants a relationship, at this stage, it's more on her to speak up than on you to speak up.

So you don't need to be explicit about anything, and the message usually shines through pretty clear.

Just avoid super couple stuff like candle lights dinners, movies and reclining heads on your shoulders, holding hands outside, meeting her friends as a couple, etc. etc.

And it's also good to for her to meet up with a cool guy, VS being fully single.

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John FreemanKavalier
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Also, the way I see, some (emotional) pain is part and parcel of life.

And it's pretty natural in dating/romance/love.

While it may be seen as your duty to minimize it -or at least not to make it worse- when you have power, it's not your duty to completely stamp it out.

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John FreemanKavalier
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Hello Lucio,

thank you very much. It's a relief and I feel understood: we're on the same wavelength.

That is what I was coming to write:

I talked with a mature friend and he told me that suffering is part of life. So that's how I view it now as I agree: this emotional pain is part of the dating game just as physical pain is part of working out.

So I understand that not to send mixed messages which would be manipulative is not to do:

  • Long walks
  • Have her meet my friends or her friends
  • An the other things you wrote

My question is now is what can I do that is fair within these boundaries

However it's a new challenge for me to navigate this grey area. How to have romance without going to movies or watching movies together? To me so far I think it's good to:

  • Have dinner at her place
  • Have dinner out
  • Watch movies together at our place
  • Conversations of course
  • Playing 2 player board games
  • Sending texts with WhatApp

Am right or am I off? This is new to me: to have sex + emotions without indirectly promising commitment.

Cheers!

Kavalier has reacted to this post.
Kavalier

Yeah, that list seems fair.

One could most certainly come up with different actions/activities and place them on a continuum of "getting serious/committed" VS "clearly NOT getting serious/committed".
But still, how you behave during those encounters plus looking at how she reacts/behaves often provides even better guidance. And I think at your level of emotional intelligence and power awareness, it's something you're well equipped to do.

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John Freeman
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Thank you, this helps me to know what to be aware of.

I personally feel that there's nothing wrong about your assets or approaches, John. The biggest issue could just be where you are the pool of available women is too small, and with a few personal criteria you added (which is completely understandable) it becomes even more difficult.

Not judging here but the type of women you are talking about (blonde with big breasts) are called bimbos where I am, and the social stereotype is that they are dumb (biased of course) but hey you like what you like. I have seen men in your position going abroad to find partners sometimes, or you need to move to places where there are more suitable women for you. Just my two cents.

Also not sure about immigrant perception and associated discrimination (which is unfortunate) but I've seen a few brown men in my network marrying beautiful white women so it's possible depending on local cultural norms etc. for sure.

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Lucio BuffalmanoJohn Freeman

Thanks for your answer Emily, it's helpful.

To be clear: I'm not looking for dumb women. 🙂

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Lucio BuffalmanoEmily
Quote from John Freeman on August 10, 2023, 9:14 am

Thanks for your answer Emily, it's helpful.

To be clear: I'm not looking for dumb women. 🙂

Haha, of course John. I read all of the above and felt that you would fit in my current location seamlessly (major north American metropolitan area). I'm not saying it's easy but I've seen lots of immigrant doctors here - of course the competition is fierce and because of licensing issue they opted for a corporate/entrepreneur career or needed to get trained again etc.

Maybe I'm biased here but I wouldn't be happy to live in a small conservative town - I did when I was much younger and the experience was very challenging because I was a foreigner/outsider. I'm much happier where I am now. Also, I'm biased against Nordic countries (as I'd think Switzerland would be similar, but correct me if I'm wrong) and the odds of dating as men: 1) I heard that there the quality parity is so stark that the status imbalance is shocking - much lower status women as compared to anywhere else in the world get high status men; 2) It seems to me that Norwegians are harsh - only anecdotal but one of my favorite bands (Norwegian native) talked about how difficult it was to perform for their own people and they got shushed off stage (this is unheard of where I am, this was also after they've had major hits internationally).

About your preference of women for a certain type of appearance - like I said, you like what you like. But from my experience I gave up having a mental image of what my “perfect partner” should look like and this helped me tremendously to focus on tuning in what I want in terms of personality and character - of course some physical attraction is important, but if you don't feel repulsed by the woman in bed then that sounds like a great start.

As a woman, I can offer some perspective on being chosen “short-term”. When I was in the dating world, I make it obvious that I only want long-term relationship. So in my perspective I understand that the redhead was asking for what she expected. If I sense that a guy is playing short-term I'll end it right there. Because if I continue it would be dishonest to myself and that I want the attention from this guy so much I lose perspective of self-respect. I would say other women might be different but I think it's easy to get resentful from the woman‘s part - it's about showing honest interest and on the same page about expectations. I would say she didn't want to “blackmail” you but yes it can feel coercive/manipulative. Clearly there was some frustration from her part that she wasn't getting what she wants. Thanks for offering the example I'm learning what men want and how you guys think 🙂  I think as the woman the subconscious process would be like: he seems to be having fun but he doesn't seem interested having it long-term with me, I feel bad and a bit insecure because that's what I want. It doesn't feel fair to me. I'm gonna do something and assert myself to correct this imbalance. My question for you: if the redhead wants a long-term relationship with you, how would the delivery be different so you feel it's a fair game and not "blackmailed"?

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John Freeman
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