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My Journey to Love

#31 · August 10, 2023, 7:47 pm

Quote from John Freeman on August 10, 2023, 7:47 pm
Thanks Emily for your answer.
I agree with you in terms of personality and the trappings of looking for a certain type or "the One" or the perfect person. It's important to be aware of it and cautious about how our own imagination and desire can lead us astray. If at any point in time I see that I'm shooting myself in the foot with my love life goals or be too narrow-minded, I'll switch.
I am listening to "Attached" and what is interesting is that they say that people with an anxious attachment style can have this kind of attitude, looking for a particular physical type. So definitely something I'm keeping in mind
To answer your question. I usually don't know beforehand if it's going to be short-term or long-term. The first few dates are a "test drive" so to speak. If I like the person I like the person. I understand that at the moment she felt insecure since I was sending mixed messages. So I'm part responsible.
For me for a long term relationship, it has to be both sides. As Lucio said most men have more to lose in commitment and most women have more to gain. So for me to commit it has to be worth what I'm losing in terms of freedom. Not only sexual freedom but freedom overall.
I think most men will commit when either they fall in love and are attached and/or when they think they will not be able to find a better mate. Another condition is that she's higher SMV than them and commitment is to make sure no other man will "have" her. So they secure the relationship through commitment.
So from my observation if there is compatibility, the man is in love and he thinks she's the highest SMV woman he can get a man will commit.
By compatibility there is: personal values, character, attraction, maturity, etc.
That's also one of the tricks that I've seen used by women: to communicate or sub-communicate that he cannot find a better woman. To me it's a bit manipulative but can work as some guys are wishy-washy. However it's not the same as having a conversation where honestly and willingly he says: "alright let's do it".
So to me, there is also a limiting belief with many people where they stop at the first mate who's "ok". I might be wrong.
So for a woman to secure a long-term relationship I think it's about:
Compatibility
Letting enough time for the relationship to grow organically
After a reasonable amount of time (depending on the person) I would say months to have the "what are we conversation" in a non-accusatory, non-judgmental way but rather: "this is what I want, what do you want". And if the other person is not on board to let it go. It's about having a mature adult conversation where two people come to the same conclusion: we feel good together and we want to create a long-term relationship together.
So first, it's about screening for men who are looking for a long term relationship in the first place. That's 80% of the work. Then it's about compatibility and the relationship people build.
There's a good article from Mark Manson on compatibility.
That's me, we are all different.

Thanks Emily for your answer.

I agree with you in terms of personality and the trappings of looking for a certain type or "the One" or the perfect person. It's important to be aware of it and cautious about how our own imagination and desire can lead us astray. If at any point in time I see that I'm shooting myself in the foot with my love life goals or be too narrow-minded, I'll switch.

I am listening to "Attached" and what is interesting is that they say that people with an anxious attachment style can have this kind of attitude, looking for a particular physical type. So definitely something I'm keeping in mind

To answer your question. I usually don't know beforehand if it's going to be short-term or long-term. The first few dates are a "test drive" so to speak. If I like the person I like the person. I understand that at the moment she felt insecure since I was sending mixed messages. So I'm part responsible.

For me for a long term relationship, it has to be both sides. As Lucio said most men have more to lose in commitment and most women have more to gain. So for me to commit it has to be worth what I'm losing in terms of freedom. Not only sexual freedom but freedom overall.

I think most men will commit when either they fall in love and are attached and/or when they think they will not be able to find a better mate. Another condition is that she's higher SMV than them and commitment is to make sure no other man will "have" her. So they secure the relationship through commitment.

So from my observation if there is compatibility, the man is in love and he thinks she's the highest SMV woman he can get a man will commit.

By compatibility there is: personal values, character, attraction, maturity, etc.

That's also one of the tricks that I've seen used by women: to communicate or sub-communicate that he cannot find a better woman. To me it's a bit manipulative but can work as some guys are wishy-washy. However it's not the same as having a conversation where honestly and willingly he says: "alright let's do it".

So to me, there is also a limiting belief with many people where they stop at the first mate who's "ok". I might be wrong.

So for a woman to secure a long-term relationship I think it's about:

Compatibility
Letting enough time for the relationship to grow organically
After a reasonable amount of time (depending on the person) I would say months to have the "what are we conversation" in a non-accusatory, non-judgmental way but rather: "this is what I want, what do you want". And if the other person is not on board to let it go. It's about having a mature adult conversation where two people come to the same conclusion: we feel good together and we want to create a long-term relationship together.

So first, it's about screening for men who are looking for a long term relationship in the first place. That's 80% of the work. Then it's about compatibility and the relationship people build.

There's a good article from Mark Manson on compatibility.

That's me, we are all different.

Emily and Roberto have reacted to this post.

#32 · August 14, 2023, 4:35 am

Quote from Emily on August 14, 2023, 4:35 am
Quote from John Freeman on August 10, 2023, 7:47 pm
Thanks Emily for your answer.
I agree with you in terms of personality and the trappings of looking for a certain type or "the One" or the perfect person. It's important to be aware of it and cautious about how our own imagination and desire can lead us astray. If at any point in time I see that I'm shooting myself in the foot with my love life goals or be too narrow-minded, I'll switch.
I am listening to "Attached" and what is interesting is that they say that people with an anxious attachment style can have this kind of attitude, looking for a particular physical type. So definitely something I'm keeping in mind
To answer your question. I usually don't know beforehand if it's going to be short-term or long-term. The first few dates are a "test drive" so to speak. If I like the person I like the person. I understand that at the moment she felt insecure since I was sending mixed messages. So I'm part responsible.
For me for a long term relationship, it has to be both sides. As Lucio said most men have more to lose in commitment and most women have more to gain. So for me to commit it has to be worth what I'm losing in terms of freedom. Not only sexual freedom but freedom overall.
I think most men will commit when either they fall in love and are attached and/or when they think they will not be able to find a better mate. Another condition is that she's higher SMV than them and commitment is to make sure no other man will "have" her. So they secure the relationship through commitment.
So from my observation if there is compatibility, the man is in love and he thinks she's the highest SMV woman he can get a man will commit.
By compatibility there is: personal values, character, attraction, maturity, etc.
That's also one of the tricks that I've seen used by women: to communicate or sub-communicate that he cannot find a better woman. To me it's a bit manipulative but can work as some guys are wishy-washy. However it's not the same as having a conversation where honestly and willingly he says: "alright let's do it".
So to me, there is also a limiting belief with many people where they stop at the first mate who's "ok". I might be wrong.
So for a woman to secure a long-term relationship I think it's about:
Compatibility
Letting enough time for the relationship to grow organically
After a reasonable amount of time (depending on the person) I would say months to have the "what are we conversation" in a non-accusatory, non-judgmental way but rather: "this is what I want, what do you want". And if the other person is not on board to let it go. It's about having a mature adult conversation where two people come to the same conclusion: we feel good together and we want to create a long-term relationship together.
So first, it's about screening for men who are looking for a long term relationship in the first place. That's 80% of the work. Then it's about compatibility and the relationship people build.
There's a good article from Mark Manson on compatibility.
That's me, we are all different.
It makes sense, John. Thank you for your explanation - this also helps me understand the perspective and importance of open communication, and let things organically grow, this is about respect (have to admit that I was once impatient and probably also pushy/manipulative). Appreciate the article of compatibility and chemistry - it sounds like that you've thought a lot about this and I think I had probably projected a bit of my own experience and biases into it, so my apologies. Good luck!!

Quote from John Freeman on August 10, 2023, 7:47 pm
Thanks Emily for your answer.
I agree with you in terms of personality and the trappings of looking for a certain type or "the One" or the perfect person. It's important to be aware of it and cautious about how our own imagination and desire can lead us astray. If at any point in time I see that I'm shooting myself in the foot with my love life goals or be too narrow-minded, I'll switch.
I am listening to "Attached" and what is interesting is that they say that people with an anxious attachment style can have this kind of attitude, looking for a particular physical type. So definitely something I'm keeping in mind
To answer your question. I usually don't know beforehand if it's going to be short-term or long-term. The first few dates are a "test drive" so to speak. If I like the person I like the person. I understand that at the moment she felt insecure since I was sending mixed messages. So I'm part responsible.
For me for a long term relationship, it has to be both sides. As Lucio said most men have more to lose in commitment and most women have more to gain. So for me to commit it has to be worth what I'm losing in terms of freedom. Not only sexual freedom but freedom overall.
I think most men will commit when either they fall in love and are attached and/or when they think they will not be able to find a better mate. Another condition is that she's higher SMV than them and commitment is to make sure no other man will "have" her. So they secure the relationship through commitment.
So from my observation if there is compatibility, the man is in love and he thinks she's the highest SMV woman he can get a man will commit.
By compatibility there is: personal values, character, attraction, maturity, etc.
That's also one of the tricks that I've seen used by women: to communicate or sub-communicate that he cannot find a better woman. To me it's a bit manipulative but can work as some guys are wishy-washy. However it's not the same as having a conversation where honestly and willingly he says: "alright let's do it".
So to me, there is also a limiting belief with many people where they stop at the first mate who's "ok". I might be wrong.
So for a woman to secure a long-term relationship I think it's about:
Compatibility
Letting enough time for the relationship to grow organically
After a reasonable amount of time (depending on the person) I would say months to have the "what are we conversation" in a non-accusatory, non-judgmental way but rather: "this is what I want, what do you want". And if the other person is not on board to let it go. It's about having a mature adult conversation where two people come to the same conclusion: we feel good together and we want to create a long-term relationship together.
So first, it's about screening for men who are looking for a long term relationship in the first place. That's 80% of the work. Then it's about compatibility and the relationship people build.
There's a good article from Mark Manson on compatibility.
That's me, we are all different.

It makes sense, John. Thank you for your explanation - this also helps me understand the perspective and importance of open communication, and let things organically grow, this is about respect (have to admit that I was once impatient and probably also pushy/manipulative). Appreciate the article of compatibility and chemistry - it sounds like that you've thought a lot about this and I think I had probably projected a bit of my own experience and biases into it, so my apologies. Good luck!!

John Freeman and sillygoose9845 have reacted to this post.

#33 · September 25, 2023, 10:58 am

I did an experiment: I looked at the men’s profiles on Bumble to see what my competition is. I was expecting ripped well dressed guys.

Not at all the case. Very average guys to tell the truth.

So I’m starting to think that I’m either really at a disadvantage due to my skin colour or that girls really just swipe right on the rare type of guys that I described above.

Anyway now I see that I have to be this 10% guy: ripped and well dressed. It’s outer layer yes but these are the rules of the game nowadays.

Roberto and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#34 · September 25, 2023, 10:41 pm

Hey John

Firstly my usual disclaimer when talking about dating I am long out of the game and probably out of touch.

But because I am old I have had a lot of experience.

And my experienced gels s with what you are saying its almost like clockwork the woman wanting to have the talk is at 3 months or 10 dates whichever comes first.

John Freeman and Roberto have reacted to this post.

#35 · September 25, 2023, 10:52 pm

And I agree with Lucio personally I d move. The big question is do you want kids. The answer changes how you play and what you will have to manage

John Freeman has reacted to this post.

#36 · September 26, 2023, 8:28 am

Hello Transitioned,

thanks for your answer. Well, I've got good news: I'm coming to Melbourne soonish. I obtained 3 weeks of holidays in a row. So we'll finally meet!

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#37 · September 26, 2023, 2:19 pm

Off-topic

@transitioned: when would you recommend to come? I was in NZ in end of February beginning of March and I was thinking of the same dates in Australia. Like the last 2 weeks of february and the first of march. Or the last week of february and the 2 first weeks of march. I'm planning to go to the gold coast only (Melbourne, Sydney for sure) as Australia is huge.

I usually prefer spring or fall to travel but I want to be able to enjoy the ocean/river/lakes. Hence why I chose the end of summer for NZ. At the same time I want to avoid as much as possible tourists.

I also plan to visit the children's hospital to see if I would like to work there.

Some time ago I wrote to the email address you gave me but could not reach you. If you want we can exchange email address again.

/Off-topic

#38 · September 26, 2023, 4:15 pm

Off-topic

@transitioned: I booked holidays from 19th of February to 10th of March 2024 in the meantime. I'll confirm once I read your feed-back.

/Off-topic

#39 · September 27, 2023, 11:09 am

You chose a good time to visit. Yea be good to do beers. And if you don't mind Asian food my neighbourhoods great.

Maybe swap

Autumnscribe@gmail.com

Give me yours and I ll look out for it

John Freeman has reacted to this post.

#40 · September 27, 2023, 6:22 pm

Thanks a lot! Sent. You should have my address now. Title of email is John Freeman.

Transitioned has reacted to this post.