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My Journey to Power

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Some thoughts until I have more time to write more about the above.

I am listening to « will I ever be good enough » and she talks about « internal validation » I think it’s a very important concept. During my trip I also realized how also I was having too much of an external locus on control. I’m now working on both as I’m aware now. I knew about the external locus but I thought it’s something I worked on. Again listening to this book I realize how much long lasting damage having a narcissistic parent can have. I’m now not surprised that I’m my age I’m still fighting with feelings of low self esteem and having to do that much of self-development. A few years ago I felt for the first time what it feels like to feel good about myself. I felt like I did 80% of the internal work. I think now my estimate was right. I now feel I’m 90% there. Almost healed. So I have to push on these last 10% to finally be at peace with my dysfunctional family impact on me. I don’t think I’ll ever reach 100% but 99% is good enough. We all carry scars anyway.

This morning I thought again that consumerism, materialism (in the sense of valuing material things), capitalism and productivism is a powerful but dangerous combination. I think we underestimate largely the price of these (combined) ideologies. In terms of happiness, mental emotional and physical health, on our relationships and happiness. What happens in Switzerland is just one of the expressions of it. The conservative culture is part of it but this amplifies the separation between people.

So as my new mantra is the « sleeper must awaken » I see that I must also awake from these ideologies.

I want more of some things and less of others in my life. I want less bullshit, less one-upmanship. I want more connection, love, laughs, fun, friendship, authenticity, nature, inner peace. So in concrete terms I think I do need to work less. No I won’t achieve as much. No I won’t reach the heighest highs of success. I think that is not what I want.

I thought a few months ago that Power would solve all my issues. But power is just a tool. It has its place and many of us here underestimated its importance in the past I believe.

In the Hofstede model of cultures I’m high on the feminine (collaboration, etc.) and high on indulgence (enjoying life, etc.). So I think I need to move in a direction that fits me better. I will still work on power and understanding social dynamics though. It’s a matter of doing it in a way that bring myself closer to what I want.

It’s about the journey not the destination anyway.

Quote from Transitioned on March 27, 2023, 1:19 pm

TBH John. I can see from how you post and work hard here, your ability to self-examine your practice and the depth of your insights that you are a great doctor.  Quality crosses fields.

Thank you very much Transitioned!

Many bosses like to keep employees on the back foot.  Crappy old fashioned theory X management thinking.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_X_and_Theory_Y

Thanks a lot I read it with great interest: so I can see that my good workplace has the flexibility to move between X and Y: when I was performing better they were managing me under the Y theory and also used X theory. The bad workplace is operating mostly on the X theory, which feels/felt disempowering as I felt I was not being trusted.

One yardstick I d apply is balanced feedback.  As we do in agile is it a mix of continue/do more of/stop.

This is a great model: in my notes, thanks! very practical indeed!

I would also triangulate on this.  If you get similar feedback from multiple sources over time then might be an improvement opportunity.

Yeah that was the weird part: one workplace was satisfied enough with me (the bad one), well the other workplace was not (the good one). That's why I took their feed-back more at heart (and also more personnally). I looked up to them, so their feed-back was more important to me. All in all, I don't think I'm bad. I take his feed-back seriously though: that I should be better at my current stage of training. I won't blame anyone outside of me. Yes, I did not have the best training but so did they and many others who succeeded in improving despite this environment. I think the style of teaching is not ideal for me but still I have to make the best of it. It's still on me in the end.

In my previous post I said I was winning so I'm going to analyze it:

Ego

It was an ego thing. When I told them that they were doing it differently at the other place or that recommendations were different it was confronting. So they started to dislike me. So it shifted their lens towards negative rather than positive.

What I do now is that I'm more submissive: I accepted that they want it to be hierarchical and not horizontal despite us being 3 physicians in all. So I behave the same at the hospital: I'm the resident. I'm following, etc. I do not present myself anymore as "pediatrician at the end of his training" but as a "resident". It feels more comfortable and it's more effective. Also when I forget things/do mistakes. I also do way more power protecting while not trying to sound too obvious about it.

Work skills

They were spot on: I must be more structured in my mind, more organized, more time-aware. So this is a precious feed-back and I will work on it hard.

What I do now is to be aware of it: I look at when I'm supposed to have my next patient and adjust accordingly. I also mentally structure my consults before doing them when I arrive in the morning (what I will ask, in what order, what is important, etc.). During the consult I'm also thinking of what I'm going to ask next. I categorize better my consults. So this is priceless feed-back and they were right: I need more structure in my mind and with time-management.

Humility/learner mindset

This is what saved me. I switched back to listening more, being more humble. It always pays dividends. It does in terms of learning and it does socially. By listening more, people love to talk and being listening to. So people like you more. It's part of the charmer's seduction: people feel more important/understood and therefore like you more. The caveat of this is not to judge them nor to use this information against them. You become a de facto ally because they trusted you with personal information. They see you now as benevolent.

During the intermediate performance review yesterday they told me that what they appreciated a lot is that I took the feed-back. I told them that I am also interested in self-development so this was very helpful. I also told them that I trusted them 100% (true): they were quite surprised and this built trust and bonding.

Adaptation

My mistake was to want to do things 1 way in all workplaces with all of the 4 supervisors/teachers. Big mistake. As I said it was confronting to them and made them dislike me. They choose to have a private practice to do things their way: not to uniformize with others. So now I do my best to adapt to them and when they do something that is not standard I say nothing instead of saying: "but..." and I do it their way.

Very effective as they feel comfortable. We're now doing things their way and are in their comfort zone without anyone, especially a new employee, challenging them.

Responsibility

In the past when I thought one patient did not have the best care during a consult with a supervisor (the worst one) I would try to voice my opinion or communicate non-verbally to the parents that I did not agree. I do not anymore. It's their responsibility. If it's in my power when I'm alone with a patient I would still do it but more subtly and not overtly. My loyalty (unfortunately) goes to my employer first. It's not my practice. If I can do something to help I will, if I cannot I shut my mouth and don't care. It is not my responsibility.

Communication

Several parents complained of me being condescendent. I'm sure I was since I was judging them. Our population is swiss people and/or western people mostly. So for them a small thing is a big deal (probably a wealthy countries problem: not having seen a very sick child or big difficulties in their lives like war or other things). Now I start from where they are and their concerns instead of me reassuring them. I also give them more space during the consult. They feel better heard and my consult is way more effective. I listen more emotionally and cognitively. Parents like it better as I lay this on top of my habitual interest and benevolent/warm attitude for people/their children/family/life. They want to shake my hand, etc.

I also validate them a lot: sometimes it's genuine sometimes I have to force it a bit. Still working on it. Again, people love it. And they deserve it to be honest: it's hard to be a parent. It's harder to be a parent to a sick child: you're worried, you're not sleeping and you might even be sick yourself from the child's virus. So I think they deserve the support and empathy. In our performance society they get many criticisms. Imagine if they're going to the doctor and the doctor tells them: "it's nothing he'll be fine" even before examining your child. You feel dumb and inferior. This doctor is an asshole. You've been awake almost the whole night, worried, giving medicines and this guy tells you he's fine: what a dick. You do the same after the consult, listening to the parents, explaining to them, taking the time, teaching, validating: you're a great guy. Psychology... The emotional aspects should never be underestimated. First let the emotions diffuse, then solve the problem. If the parent is not given the time to diffuse his emotions (frustration, etc.): it's not going to be effective. I knew it but now I do it even more. Also, before I was absorbing people's emotions by sympathy. Now I just let them vent, listen, validate. And then we can do some teamwork.

Identity

Well, this performance review was quite a blow to my ego. So I had to mature a bit. That means to be more at the service of the people, to start with their problem in mind: how they live it how they perceive it. And after defining the medical problems and its solutions from there I can reassure them as I have reasons to do so. Even if many times I know what the child has even before seeing him I don't disclose it. I do my job and at the end I deliver the same as I would have done without examining the child.

On this identity part, I might write later as I have to take off now.

Anyway again thanks a lot to all who supported me, even if just by a simple "like": I felt supported.

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Lucio BuffalmanoTransitioned

Regarding the identity, Aotearoa (NZ) like Iceland helped me to heal. I had to dig deep inside to go to the darkness still inside of me and process it. It’s a spiritual process: basically Nature and water heals me deep inside. So after this positive intermediate performance review yesterday I feel stronger.

I am again committed to my mission. But there is a but. It’s something that is strong in me and pulling me forward. To serve the children. However I am more aware now that I must balance this with my own personal happiness. What I like: the friendship, travels, board games, etc.

So I feel it’s something very powerful: my mission is a powerful drive inside of me. BUT I cannot give it everything in and of me. So I’m in the process of finding the right balance between serving the children and self-care. I read that seeing yourself as serving goes with the passive style of being. I think it is correct. That being said serving gives also meaning to my life. So I have to find a balance between finding meaning by serving the group and serving myself. The positive selfishness I was talking about. I still believe that building skills (Tom) gives meaning and rewards. I now believe that it can be a focus but one must be cautious not to invest too much in it.

In short I’m renegotiating what I want to give to others and what I want to give to myself.

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Lucio BuffalmanoTransitioned

Hi John

That s an amazing assessment and professional growth spurt.   If everybody could use feedback that well I would be able to spend a lot less time firefighting.

And TBH no matter how smart you are.  It is absolutely normal in a professional journey to have to have a couple of workplaces behind you before it all gels.

Like anything big in life it takes a while to process  and fit into your mental model

You are absolutely right about the medical system on the day to day it is a high volume production/process environment.  Thats how the practice survives as a small business.   Your 'extra time' button is suggesting another consult or referral

I just went through 3 hernias  being repaired at once  In the public hospital system.   Had a bit of friction with a very condescending registrar but got what I needed.  Eye opening - it absolutely is doing the basics excellently as you are that hugely improves patient care.

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Lucio BuffalmanoJohn Freeman
Quote from Transitioned on March 29, 2023, 10:23 pm

Hi John

That s an amazing assessment and professional growth spurt.   If everybody could use feedback that well I would be able to spend a lot less time firefighting.

Thank you very much, Transitioned!

And TBH no matter how smart you are.  It is absolutely normal in a professional journey to have to have a couple of workplaces behind you before it all gels.

Like anything big in life it takes a while to process  and fit into your mental model

Makes sense, thanks!

You are absolutely right about the medical system on the day to day it is a high volume production/process environment.  Thats how the practice survives as a small business.

Definitely!

Your 'extra time' button is suggesting another consult or referral

Not sure I undersood this correclty.

I just went through 3 hernias  being repaired at once  In the public hospital system.   Had a bit of friction with a very condescending registrar but got what I needed.  Eye opening - it absolutely is doing the basics excellently as you are that hugely improves patient care.

I wish you prompt recovery! Yeah at the hospital we learn a very up-down style of communication. Useful in times of emergencies, counter-productive in many other situations.

The power of submissiveness

Yeah, I know not very sexy. Especially on a forum about Power... Anyway:

What helped me a lot in the recent events was to submit: not only to the physicians but to some of the medical assistants.

Physicians

It's their private practice. They don't like to be challenged, contradicted or confronted. Even if what you say makes sense.

So now I don't challenge, contradict nor confront them. I became a "yes man" or a "yes but man" if necessary (situations when not speaking out has consequences). I also went back to being a resident instead of a pediatrician. So I look in ways to ease their loads. I give them information I have IF they ask me. Otherwise, even if they're wrong and don't ask me anything I don't say anything. They have big egos. So being more submissive made them more at ease and they like me more. They confide in me and trust me more. They have a positive bias towards me: if I make a mistake or forget something they unconsciously overlook it/make an excuse for me. I notice it, they don't. That’s the power of liking: you get unconscious bias towards you. That is also the power of the charmer: people like you feel good with you so they want to give you.

Medical assistants 

I did coffee for one of them, got the trash out and helped her clean the office. Not my job sure but effective? Yes. She also drove me to the railway station: we repaired our relationship and have a more collaborative one. I approach them with the learner attitude. I ask them what they do and how they do it in order to learn. Not as a suck up strategy but as I learner strategy.

As a charming strategy I don’t challenge their ways. They are used to do certain things and with good reasons. So instead of resisting it I go with it. You installed a patient that I wanted to install myself: thank you! Not taking it personally no other reaction but gratitude.

All

All these people have habits and egos (like me of course). They are seasoned professionals and I’m a beginner. So that’s the frame. By adapting to them (a submissive behaviour) I’m more effective socially. Just like the chameleon on my profile picture that Lucio inspired to me. I think my recent experience also validates the charmer's strategy: make people feel good and at ease with you: listen, don't judge, bring value, be warm, appreciate. In short: be an ally, almost a friend.

I think it's a great base as a social strategy. Basically, we want to build collaboration. That's the foundation on which our social success in built upon. By accepting and adapting to others: it shows we care. Therefore, people trust us and want to collaborate with us. So I think it goes beyond a strategy: it's a way of being. I also notice that is this way of being that is found in non-confrontational cultures like nordic european countries and Switzerland. These countries have a high-trust culture and that is part of their success. So it's about being someone who can be trusted. So by making people feel comfortable, it shows we are not going to harm them. We go from unknown (potential threat) to known (potential ally). It also fits my personality as I prefer harmony over confrontation. Confrontation is necessary and useful like any conflict. However, we need it maybe 1-5% of the time which means that we might overdo confrontation/conflict which undermines our precious social capital.

In these non-confrontational cultures, what is negative is the possible passive-aggressiveness coming from the negative judgement if we confront people directly. I think this can be overcome by learning:

  1. Assertiveness MIXED with power-protection/diplomacy: we say what we mean but with chosen words that won't hurt the other person
  2. Not taking things personally: it prevents from feeling hurt and the temptation of retaliation
  3. Not sweating the small stuff: being "easy-going" as Lucio said: we don't have to be right all the time or to have an opinion on everything. Many things are not worth getting into.

So this allows people we will be honest and sincere when it's important, that we accept them and won't put unnecessary friction in the social interactions. We become trustworthy and pleasant do deal with/be around while also feeling that we can say what is important to us when it matters. So it's about focussing on what's important and after talking about a way of being we come back to the strategy (the feed-back loop between layers I talked in my post about the sleeper): we focus on what matters that is our goals and our values. So all of this are tools that allows to build collaboration to reach common or personal goals without unnecessary friction/losing time and energy on things which don't matter. So these are tactical tools to reach higher-overarching strategies. It allows us to flow more effectively and efficiently towards our goals by building more efficiently social capital.

Since many years ago I learned that trust is the most valuable commodity. I still believe so. Difficult and long to build, easy and quick to destroy, volatile and impalpable.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Great stuff, John!

Good to see you finding a great angle, and I also took a note for future PU updates on this -so, thank you!-.

John Freeman has reacted to this post.
John Freeman
Community, new content and Charisma University moved here.

You're welcome! Thanks you as well! As you can see, I'm starting to putting the pieces together.

It's more clear to me what being an eagle/high-quality/high-value is like. It starts with yourself: being well-adjusted, getting along well with people, not letting people abuse you, being competent at one's job. It is about being a good person with healthy self-esteem, good self-confidence and adequate boundaries. Then, the power can flow from that.

But as I said in my other post, as to what to learn in what order: there is no absolute. There are feed-back loops in all these different aspects so it's not predictable what is the most useful as it changes from month to month. So one's plan for self-development can change as soon as a new major weakness/flaw is identified. As this major flaw will prevent progress in other aspects. In the end self-development is like any other domain: one must need to have strong fundamentals in order to go higher. With shaky fundamentals, the house built is not strong enough.

That is also why people like Elon Musk and Tom Bilyeu can be detrimental: they advertise to focus so much on one's mission that one could miss the essential things one is missing. And we could see it in his relationships and his relationships with his employees. I'm sure he has a big ego but does he love himself? As in: accept himself? Not sure. So the fundamentals might be missing and we could end up being very successful and not feeling good about ourselves. So the two are not mutually exclusive. It's just important to be aware that mastering the fundamentals could take more time/energy than expected. Than feeling good about oneself and getting along with our fellow humans could prove more challenging than it looks like at first glance.

So I'm working on my fundamentals...

I shared my success with my English friend John or should I say “mentor”. This is what he said:

The key that will unlock your potential is this.

“Everybody needs and desires to be loved.”

This is what it is to be human.

I think he’s right and it was one of the keys to my success. With the parents, supervisor and medical assistants. I think that it is also what I failed to do with the nurses in the past. That is the power of the charmer that I’ve worked on to harness. People like the charmer because the charmer likes them. It’s about harnessing the power of reciprocity and liking. This is a fundamental: the essence of human relationships and collaboration. Trusting and liking each other. This turns to caring and helping. Then you have collaboration and you can multiply your results. One of the fundamentals is therefore to ask for and give help. To do this it requires humility/learner attitude.

Hello,

I noticed that some of the social challenges I face are currently falling into the category of:

Caring too much about what people think about me

This leads to taking things personnally, which can lead to passive aggressiveness and loss of social capital.

More precisely, it is about giving other people's opinion more weight than mine. This also connects to having an external locus of control and low(er) self-esteem. That is taking into account how people estimate me and letting them have the judge role instead of myself.

Caveat: I agree with what Lucio said. What people think about us is the basis of our social power. So it matters. Especially our bosses, etc. What I'm talking about is insecurities we might have that get triggered by other people. Then they take advantage of it to get into a higher position of power relative to us.

Examples from this WE:

Magician's mantle

I was at a female friend's place for a dinner party with board games. The theme was asian food and I cooked sushis. At the end of the night, she said:

Her: You have a magician's mantle
Me: hahaha

Referring to my pea jacket with red inner velvet-like fabric.

I laughed and afterwards I noticed it bothered me as she was implying that it was a bit ridiculous, judging from her tone.

That's when I realized I was caring too much about what people were thinking about me. So there are 2 parts:

Social

It is a little bit disempowering, so to re-empower myself socially and reject her frame, I could have said:

It is a pea jacket (with a smile or adding "didn't you know?" to power move back but I find it's a bit turkey)

So laughing has this "I don't care" attitude which I like.

Internal

The fact that I thought about it afterwards means I was somehow sensitive to it. Do I think that my jacket looks like a magician's mantle (and therefore is ridiculous): no. I think it's original and beautiful. So actually I was giving my power away. The root cause lies in an insecurity about being liked and not rejected. So being aware of it is the first step.

"You want to maximize"

My friend JB as I said is not successful professionally despite his great intelligence nor in the dating realm. In short, he's good at having fun, rock climbing and board games. I like him very much and call him a friend. However I think we have different values, he is moral policing and is not encouraging his friends to success.

We were talking about how women are interested in money (between men) and it's apparently a very touchy subject as it goes also into belief territory. First, I won't talk about this topic in group anymore. It ends up me with a teacher's frame and people resisting it.

My frame is: "It's normal and ok that women want a man with more money, we all prefer the people around us to have money than being poor, including our friends" and his frame is: "women who desires money in a man are gold-diggers. Taking care of one's appearances (car, clothes, etc.) to maximize social outcomes attracts only superficial people and not the "right people for you"". So he has this dichotomy: "rich people are bad" whereas I know that the highest quality women are also found at the top of the socio-economic hierarchy. Not all but many. I explained the whole difference between external layers and internal layers and how I neglected external layers. In private he admits it but in public he does not. So he shamed me: "You want to maximize" (with accusatory tone) as if it was something bad. My other friend later admitted that he also wanted to optimize in terms in money.

I also put my boundaries when he said: "this is perverted". I said: "It's a bit strong to say it's perverted" and he admitted it.

So lesson is: a topic to avoid and calling out shame and hypocrisy. I called out his hypocrisy at some point talking about it.

He's insecure about his social status and he takes solace in "not being like that" whereas I think you can have resources and be a great person. It's not mutually exclusive.

Buying board games for my collection

I have quite a big collection of board games. I haven't played them all. I did buy too many of them and I actually bought more after the last board games convention.  The rational reasons: it's difficult to find games that you enjoy so you have to buy quite a lot to test them out. Also I want to complete my collection, for instance having are control games for 2 and 3 players. However, JB judges me for it so I almost excused myself of having bought more. The thing is that I'm not standing by my own choices and desires. Again an insecurity about what people think about me and being judged. Especially since JB is not only doing the joker power moves but also has a moral police aspect to it and therefore uses shaming with me. I think there is also an element of jealousy

Writing this here helped me to categorize what he's doing: shame attacks. Again if I stand by having a large collection of games and enjoy it, I'm immune to these attacks. Example:

JB: You have many games but you haven't play them all, it's stupid to by more

Me: You can think whatever you want and actually it's not really nice to call me stupid. Anyway, it's my money and hobby I do whatever I want with it.

So instead of justifying I confront him with his judgment and go higher power by reclaiming my self-determination. From there, I can call him out for judging me:

Me: you can judge me all you want, I don't care

Defending against "you always make up the rules"

In board games, I organize 90% of them and therefore explain the rules 90% of the times. The reason is that I'm one of the most passionate and eager to play games. I "drafted" them in this hobby. So in this sense I have a higher status. Not that I'm better than them but I find new great games, I research them, I organize, I teach them etc.

Bernard has said many times during our games, for instance when I was making a mistake in the rules or having a doubt:

Bernard: Anyway, he always makes up the rules, hahahaha

So this is a way to single me out (ostracization power move), to attack my competence (implying that I'm not able to) and my honesty (implying that I'm cheating).

So last time he said it, I prepared a defense so I was ready, and this time I said:

Bernard: he always makes up the rules, hahahaha

Me: each time we play, you always say this, you have to renew yourself (said with a dominant tone and a slight smile: a bit threatening and amping a bit the tension in the room, not much just a bit)

So I communicated that:

  1. He's saying it every time: so he's not very original
  2. It's not funny anymore, the joke is getting old
  3. I'm not amused by it anymore (and could potentially retaliate with a "joke" of mine or anything)

I did this as when they said: "It's John's pussy" to imply I was lucky. Since then I've not heard this joke again. They reminded us a couple months ago about the joke but did not use it on me. More like: "we used to say this joke".

He got the message. It's the same as when he implied that I was boasting by talking about women. He's social climbing and I shut it down.

Sharing my success

I saved a life 2 days ago by sending a 27 days old baby to the hospital. I told my friends but they were not interesting in the details. So we really are fun buddies and not close friends. The only person who cared was my friend's GF: she cared about what I did and my travels. So when you share your successes you can see who's your friends as in "brother-in-arms": do they root for you or are they not interested?

I accept that most of my friends are "fun friends" so I won't try to get more of them. I can have a couple deep conversation from times to times and get good advice from them as I got from JB a few times. But it's about expectations and accepting people as they are and not labeling them too much (which I just did so I'll self-correct and ramble a bit). Basically every experience with a friend tells you more about them. You also get closer. However, it's important for me not to have too much expectations of my friends. I think that it was the main problem. End of the rambling.

You don't come anymore

Yesterday, we did a board game with my friend who's a bar owner. He's a great guy. However his bar is often half-empty and the people in it are geeks. Great for conversations and games. Not good for meeting high quality people and pretty women. So when I go to a bar, I now go to another bar in town.

My friend told me at the end of the night:

Him: You haven't come often since the beginning of the year

Me: yeah, I don't go out in the week now (true but it's only very recent)

I go out in the week way less. However when I have to choose, I go to another bar. And my friend who was present knew it. So here it's a mix of being socially savvy (power protection) and also being a bit hipocryte. But I go where there is the most value to me. I consider myself a social strategist so I optimize what is best for me.

So I changed the structure of my week. I don't go out in the week, I diminished the dates as I'm focussing on building good sleep habits this month. Anyway as I'm having more options in terms of friends, bars, women, I go for what is best for me and I think it's fair. I gave a lot of value to my friends and if they value me they will want to give value back to me. When they are not available because they do something that is in their interest rather than meeting us, it's only fair that I mirror this.

"I'm going to buy the game"

Since 2 years ago, we are playing a legacy board game called the king's dilemma. It's a great game. It's a game on 15-20 separate games, hence the 2 years. And it has been difficult since I had to "chase" people around so we can always be the same group to play.

I was getting a bit disappointed as I'm losing after 11 games and I want to end this game. There's no way I'm winning and organizing it does not give me pleasure anymore. So I voiced it. There will be the second part of this game and when JB said I was a bit tired of this game because it never ends (he's winning) he said:

"So we won't play with you at the next game" (ostracizing joke whereas I bought the game, invited him to this game and organized 11 games among several at my place: this tells you that you can give all the value you want to people, when they consumed it not sure you're going to get anything back)

Seeing I was getting slowly myself out of the leadership role since I don't get any recognition for it, he said:

"I'm going to buy the next game"

So basically: "since you don't want to lead, I'm going to lead" which is typical when you create a group, there is a "vulture" dynamics when people now want to use the group you created.

What I learned talking with him is that the mistake I was doing was not to let the people be replaceable. I wanted the same people at every game and people were not prioritizing very high the game. What I will do next time is to find a date that works for the majority or a date a month: those who can come and those who cannot find a replacement person. Anyway, the idea is to take away power from the people you invite from blocking the game by their absence. Now I will organize higher power: "I organize this, it will be awesome, who wants to be part of it?" instead of: "I need people to fill this spot"

So now I have 2 options:

  1. I either leave him organize do it (in a sense it's higher power since it's lower effort I just have to follow) but I lose the "official leadership"
  2. I buy the game before him and keep the leadership.

What I found not cool is that as soon as he could see a weakness in my determination to lead, he was willing to take the lead and exclude me from my own group (even if just "joking"). So to me this is very turkey like. I still have till december (date of the release of the new game) to make a decision.

Compare it with what my friend Nicholas the bar owner did:

He told me he understood as a bar owner he has to chase his employees to get their holidays, etc. He also asked for a time out during the game so I get the proper recognition (that people don't give me). I said "no it's ok" and people did not understood what was going on. So different attitude definitely.

Summary

  • I need to care less of what other people think about me
  • I have to continue defend against social climbing (and not engage into it)
  • I have to not talk about controversial topics in public (especially with people who are envious/want to win rather than exchange)
  • I have to recognize when people are envious of me and be careful about it
  • I have to validate myself more internally and less externally

Here is a video by Mark Manson about caring less about what other people think:

I'm aware it was a long post, so thank you if you read so far. It's not the best written post ever but it should be understandable enough. This is more or less the feed-back on the social lessons of this week-end. So many lessons for me here!

I downloaded hypnosis sessions about:

  • Inferiority complex
  • Fear of authority
  • Not caring so much what other people think
  • Fear of rejection

We'll see how they work

If you guys have any thoughts on all or parts of it, I'm happy to read them.

Lucio Buffalmano and Transitioned have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoTransitioned

Thanks for sharing John That was a treasure trove of petty jealousy and attempted power climbs.  One thing I m trying to implement is when you slap back down do it with a warm smile and calm patient tone like to a five year old.

We normally try and go with one default response so as not to give these idiots too much attention.

Do  you think philosophers frame of 'everyone does that' and reframe to positive could cover all of these.

E.g.  on the  jacket

"Haha, I guess everyone likes to look their best for their friends"

My old default was reframe it into a compliment straight away  but I think it was too reactive came across as a one up. I think it needs a pre-frame/bridge.

E.g.  (With a small laugh) yea good get.  I guess everyone likes to look their best for their friends"

If you think it's an OK default approach we can have a go at your other examples.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano
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