Former Community – We Moved
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My Journey to Power
Quote from Transitioned on April 4, 2023, 12:01 amThanks for sharing John That was a treasure trove of petty jealousy and attempted power climbs.
Thank you very much for your feed-back! This labeling is helpful. After having watched Mark Manson's video I'm considering extending my social circle to higher quality friends.
One thing I m trying to implement is when you slap back down do it with a warm smile and calm patient tone like to a five year old.
Definitely, that's what I learned to do with the parents, I will think of doing it with my friend. Father-like: patient calm and warm boundaries setting.
We normally try and go with one default response so as not to give these idiots too much attention.
Do you think philosophers frame of 'everyone does that' and reframe to positive could cover all of these.
E.g. on the jacket
"Haha, I guess everyone likes to look their best for their friends"
My old default was reframe it into a compliment straight away but I think it was too reactive came across as a one up. I think it needs a pre-frame/bridge.
E.g. (With a small laugh) yea good get. I guess everyone likes to look their best for their friends"
If you think it's an OK default approach we can have a go at your other examples.
Yeah, sometimes I do it with a warm "thank you" as I do take it as a compliment. It often unsettles them.
Other examples from this WE:
"You want to be the center"
At my friend's dinner party with board games she told us to bring games so I brought 4 of them. They wanted to play theirs and I knew we would not have time to play 2 (we did not in the end). So I playfully "sold" my games as being great games. Our host said:
Her: you always want to be the center with your games
Me: ....
I was taken aback as I was not ready for that so I considered their feed-back. Actually it was not true. What I did was to select games that would fit the number of people and 4 of them so they could choose. I also prepared the rules for 2 of them. So like with the other board games, I actually did all this for the group. So I think they were being ungrateful and not recognizing the value I was bringing. On top of that I wasted my time preparing the rules and had to carry the games back and forth for nothing. So I understand it's their dinner party and want to play their game but next time I will let them choose and bring the games. Not out of pettiness but because of my experience. So it was a shame attack.
I was showing a friend a video of NZ with only me on it as I was alone and our host said:
Her: "you're self-centered, there's only you on the video.
Me: Well, I was alone so...
Her: yeah but you could film the surroundings
Me:...
No answer as none is warranted. Our host is quite a bit narcisstic, so for me this is typical projection.
"You're not an example of cleaning up"
As our host was showing us her flat she shares, there was some dirt in the bathtub. I said jokingly:
Me: what is that? mmmm with a smile (implying it's not clean).
Me: yeah I'm joking it's perfectly normal (taking it back as she was feeling self-conscious)
JB: well, you're not an example of cleaning up (referring to my flat)
Well, he's right my flat is not always 100% clean but nor is his. I thought again it was a low blow as I invited him many times and gave him tons of value. So quite ungrateful and a low blow as this is a small insecurity of mine. What I did was to take it as a feed-back: and have my flat cleaner when I invite them. I won't talk about it as it would put him in the judge role.
"Your appartment is bare"
JB told me once in my flat: your appartment is bare. Which is true. However, it's been 2 years I moved in and I worked so much/could not save enough yet that I did not have time+money to buy the missing furniture. Basically I had other priorities. However, he's living in a housesharing and has 1 small room that is filled with dirty clothes and is quite messy.
So I still think JB is envious of me, I think he has an inferiority complex and see me as a rival. He's actually quite competitive but hides it. I'm now sure he started rock climbing because his flatmate did and he wanted to be better than him. He's still my friend but now I'm taking this into consideration. Also when I'm explaining rules, he sometimes talk over me (and other people) so some form of social climbing (I can explain better).
My plan
What I will focus on is:
- To build a life that fits me, that is good for me. That means that I don't want to be an excellent pediatrician again. I want to be a good pediatrician. This also could be the reflection of my social circle and my adaptation to it. My friends are not ambitious at all.
- I realized that many things I was doing is that I was not thinking I'm good enough. Now I know I'm good enough as a person so now I'm free to build the life that I want, regardless of achievements, ambition or success.
- I will validate myself internally
- I have now a social circle with enough people, so now I can focus on quality. From may I will work more so it will be challenging. Same for dating life. So my challenge is still that my work is taking a lot of my time and prevents me from focussing on other parts of my life. I will do what Tom does: "from monday to thursday (not friday), I'm working or working out" so I have more time during the WE not to do anything. So I still want to develop my potential while being able to have a good social and dating life and do some hobbies/sports. I'm working on it. Again, it goes back to sleeping enough to be productive.
Cheers, John!
Yeah, my personal take on the care/not care it's a false dichotomy and that one can/should do both.
You care because it is important to (social) success and it's sometimes important to achieve what you want.
At the same time you "don't care" in the sense that you do not really take it (too) personally and that you make your own decisions based on what's needed to achieve your goals (which sometimes does involve "what others think", but some others times, it really doesn't).
Bit of a mouthful, but that's the key: finding out when it matters, and when it doesn't.
Thank you very much!
Important distinction indeed, advanced stuff!
Cheers!
Honestly John having encountered so many bad doctors a good doctor is still a big gift to the people.
Have you told that large social group you re looking for a romantic partner? You re well on the way to being a successful doctor. Who helps sick kids! Surely 'the product sells itself!"
On the WE moves. I think you were in the right. The only one I thought you were a bit bold on was the sink. I do admit I haven't read SU so I could be wrong. But there is a fair bit of social research saying gender roles still persist. E.g. there was a famous one showing that men doing more housework will get them more connected with their partner but less sex.
Which is good because you can let your woman lead/decide on the home front to even things out. Most men don't give a crap what colour the curtains should be.
Women are still the ones that male the nest. Joking about cleanliness to me is maybe a little brave.
Quote from Transitioned on April 4, 2023, 11:25 pmHonestly John having encountered so many bad doctors a good doctor is still a big gift to the people.
Thanks a lot, that encourages me to work and study harder to be of service!
Have you told that large social group you re looking for a romantic partner? You re well on the way to being a successful doctor. Who helps sick kids! Surely 'the product sells itself!"
Thank you, yes I noticed the shift in interest from women when I changed my dating app profile to sell myself more as a doctor.
Yes, they're aware but don't have any good prospect at the moment. The dating market where I live is quite tough from my experience. It's very social circle oriented. I can get matches and dates so my confidence is back for me but I do not find what I'm looking for yet. I'll keep looking. Plus, my social circle where I live is composed mostly of expats and they have a small social circle here, composed mostly of expats.
On the WE moves. I think you were in the right. The only one I thought you were a bit bold on was the sink. I do admit I haven't read SU so I could be wrong. But there is a fair bit of social research saying gender roles still persist. E.g. there was a famous one showing that men doing more housework will get them more connected with their partner but less sex.
Which is good because you can let your woman lead/decide on the home front to even things out. Most men don't give a crap what colour the curtains should be.
Women are still the ones that male the nest. Joking about cleanliness to me is maybe a little brave.
You're right, I'll be careful about that. Yes, it was not great from my part. Thanks! I would have missed it without your feed-back.
Today I’m grateful for the negative performance review. It was an opportunity for growth. It was painful yes. However it is a stepping stone to my next success. Just as Tom Bilyeu said the info I got was like a golden nugget threwn to the back of my head. I looked at what hit me and it was pure gold, now I have to do something with it. The uncomfortable truth is that I will have to work more whereas I would like to work less. I guess I will have to make peace with it or I will have to lower my work output in the future. But now I cannot. I’m looking for a way to study regularly in a steady fashion. What matters is that I now have this goal in mind. I will experiment with working or working out during the week.
The fact that my friends have way more leisure than me is not helping. However it’s all about my goals and not falling into the trap of giving too much space to my hobbies as I did years ago.
When (not “if”!) I’ll be done with the self sabotage I’ll be 90% there.
One of the challenges is that if I want to be good I have to study in my free time and this is what I did not want to do. The training did not give us enough theoretical courses. So the people who are good in my profession were the ones who did that extra work. It’s all on us. Since my context is not going to change: either I accept and adapt or I accept that I won’t be as good as I can.
I’m climbing the slope of recovery (again). Sleep and workout are keys. I can feel the difference. The sleeper will awaken.
Cheers John, without rush and with the normal setbacks, but progressively onward and upward.
Hello,
Thanks Lucio! I'm getting my confidence back, day by day.
About the performance review (yes still thinking about it), I think my biggest mistake was not to have a learner attitude and have my ego attached to my performance. I'm now the kind of person that even if people think I suck or I suck, I continue working on it until I master it.
What I realized is that I procrastinated on studying medicine (and other things in my life), on fill-in up the gaps in my knowledge. I did not do the first 2 years of medicine because I already had a bioengineer degree. So I have some gaps in my knowledge which intensify the imposter syndrome. So as long as I don't fill these gaps I'll feel like this. I have extra motivation to fill these gaps as I will be an attending physician soon. And I will be responsible for other people. So I'll have to work again a lot. That's the way it is. It's frustrating to have to postpone again one's dating life, hobbies, etc. But there's no way out, I chose this. I hope in a couple or a few years I'll be able to have the private life I desire. I'll figure this out but I won't give my life to medicine. I'm now re-writing my goals and I'll become a slave to my goals.
It's not about my mission nor pleasing people (something I've been doing too much I can see it now) for the time being, it's about my self-transformation. It's about growth. All the things I've put off it's because they were hard and serious things to do. Not fun things. Anyway, I'll focus on that now.
Here are a few recent cases:
Never outshine the master
When you contradict your teacher/supervisor/boss, you are actually outshining the master, even if the contradiction is correct.
I had a small evaluation and my supervisor said something that I knew were not along the recommendations and was criticising me on it. She said not to insist on brushing 1 year old's teeth whereas the American paediatrics association recommend brushing teeth as soon as they appear (that is earlier than 1 year). Also the other paediatrician in the other practice says to do it once a day from 1 year old. So I told her that after taking in all the other feed-back without pushing back. She did not take what I had to say. So I could see that here it was about her being the expert not the facts.
My other supervisor said that this physician specialist Dr. R. was an immunologist. I know he's not, he's a haematologist, I worked with him for 3 months. He did not want to take it in. We had a (cordial) back and forth where I had to tell him that I did this specific activity with him that is only done in haematology. Then he said but he specializes in immunology. Well he knows a bit about it but that does not make him an immunologist. That also showed that he did not know who he was working with. So he changed topics: "anyway".
A third supervisor said wrongly that this kind of medication was only used for night time urinary problem. This is not true, I worked 6 months in nephrology so I know. But I did not contradict her.
So it showed that I was right talking about ego about my supervisors. They were pissed off against me because I confronted them with the way their colleagues are working. Like many people they pretend they have a learner's attitude, but really they have not. At least they're not willing to learn from me or consider my POV.
Now, what I do is I go around their ego. I don't contradict them and when I have an information I want to check I say: "the last thing I heard about it" or "If I remember correctly" or "what I've been taught". I rarely name the source. And now I won't anymore. Because then it's not about the fact it's about the source.
My friends don't go to the doctor
My French friends don't go to the doctor. They're afraid that it cost too much in Switzerland, it's 70 euros a consult. I argument with every one of them but either they don't go or they have a bad doctor. I told them the benefit of going to a GP but they won't listen to me. One has insomnia for years and has seen all the other alternative people (acupuncture: told me does not work, etc.) BUT a doctor. At the end of a conversation, my friend would not listen to me and this other friend told him: "I will give you my naturopath's address" in front of me. This was quite a power move as my credibility is less than a naturopath. Go figure. In this day and age many people are skeptic of medicine. Also my friend is asking advice to his French doctor friend (who's a radiologist!) rather than me. I gave them good advice in the past, but hey it's their health. So basically, I don't take it personally and let them deal with their health as they please.
Take out the trash
It's been now the second week that the medical assistant asked me to take the trash out of my office. The first time she proposed me to take me to the train station so I was waiting on her to drive me there. I did not need her help. I accepted it in order to bond better. The other medical assistant also drove me once to the railway station, I also did not need it but thought it would be nice to chat with her. Turned out it was a power move as in: "now you owe me something". It was in the "feel", she did not say anything. Anyway, I gave the other medical assistant a chance by accepting her offer. Well, it was a PM. This week she asks me to take out the trash. I'm a bit puzzled as I've been working there for 5 months and nobody asked me to do that. Instead of going in a conflict, I do it planning to talk about it with my boss after she left. Which I did:
Me: Excuse me, I don't know if that is part of my tasks but it's the 2nd week the medical assistant tells me to take out the trash in my office
Him: well, if you're in a consult she won't bother you and then if she leaves you take out the trash. But if you're not in a consult and she's available it's her job to do so.
Me: well, it was the second case both times. I want to participate but I want things to be clear. Thank you (leaving)
Him: was it the same person?
Me: (hesitating, not wanting to rat out someone): yes it was the same person
Him: who was it?
Me (hesitating): gives out her name
Him (seemingly pissed off): I'll have a word with her
Me: thanks
So here, I do what I learned to do in Swiss working environment, the usual: "what's the rule here?". And when I have the rule I can use it. Some Swiss people love to use rules as PMs: you know it, you're in. You don't? I'm going to use it against you. So another humiliation by a low-ranking woman taking advantage of the naive "young" physician. If I had a dollar each time this happened to me... Another humiliation but another lesson.
So I think that feeling lower self-esteem and behaving lower power might have an effect on my credibility. I might be wrong, it's an intuition. For many people it's about "who's right" rather than "what's right". Instead of examining the fact they look at the messenger.
So I'm definitely building my life back up, day by day, little by little.
Edit: I know that only work and effort will get me out of this funk. I resisted it. I don't anymore.
Edit: a friend told me yesterday that there are many temptations indeed. He's right. To have a happy healthy life one must be aware of these temptations.
Quote from John Freeman on April 7, 2023, 6:58 pmMy friends don't go to the doctor
One has insomnia for years and has seen all the other alternative people (acupuncture: told me does not work, etc.) BUT a doctor. At the end of a conversation, my friend would not listen to me and this other friend told him: "I will give you my naturopath's address" in front of me. This was quite a power move as my credibility is less than a naturopath. Go figure.
I'll tell you my mindset about similar cases:
These people's opinion doesn't matter.
It may sound dismissive, and in a way, it may be.
But I can respect or like them as people.
Still though, their opinion as level-0 thinkers (in this field, at least) means what they say or sub-communicate with their actions is not to be taken seriously.
Thanks!
You're right: they have no clue. One of my friend did not even know that a GP's work is to treat sleep problems (then referral if he cannot solve it). So in the medical domain they're not much informed. I decided not to speak on this topic anymore as it is annoying for me and then for them since I get a bit irritated. I feel like I have in front of me the uninformed parents I have to deal with. So I'll leave work at work. If they want my opinion, they'll ask. Otherwise I won't voice my opinion if not asked.
Anyway my opinion is most of the time the same: "go see a doctor" (as their problem takes a consult and not a quick advice given without knowing the whole problem) and one of them think it's a dumb answer. I had to explain to one of them the concept of a consult: to identify the problem, sometimes it takes us some time. Then we need to have the agreement of the patient on the solution proposed then only we can move towards the solution. So it's more complicated than it looks. People think you go to the specialist on your own to treat your problem and it's a quick fix. Why go to your GP if you can go to the specialist right away? Well, most of the times you don't need the specialist and most of the time it's not a quick fix, especially sleep problems.
