Quote from John Freeman on April 9, 2023, 8:25 am

This one definitely works. It does clear the nose.  That’s what I recommend daily to many children. It’s the equivalent of a tissue for babies and small children. It works for big children and adults too.

Quote from B on April 9, 2023, 11:49 am

Hi John,

I want to comment on this:

Quote from John Freeman on April 7, 2023, 6:58 pm

My friends don't go to the doctor

My French friends don't go to the doctor. They're afraid that it cost too much in Switzerland, it's 70 euros a consult. I argument with every one of them but either they don't go or they have a bad doctor. I told them the benefit of going to a GP but they won't listen to me. One has insomnia for years and has seen all the other alternative people (acupuncture: told me does not work, etc.) BUT a doctor. At the end of a conversation, my friend would not listen to me and this other friend told him: "I will give you my naturopath's address" in front of me. This was quite a power move as my credibility is less than a naturopath. Go figure. In this day and age many people are skeptic of medicine. Also my friend is asking advice to his French doctor friend (who's a radiologist!) rather than me. I gave them good advice in the past, but hey it's their health. So basically, I don't take it personally and let them deal with their health as they please.

I believe here you may be trying to solve an "emotional distance" issue with a logical argument, and this is what may be entrenching your friends in their counter position.

What your friends are really looking for is not a logical explanation where their beliefs are crushed, but rather an emotional connection with a person who will make them feel understood and valued.

The reason why most people don't have a lawyer or a doctor is not that they wouldn't benefit from having one, but that they don't trust the people they've met who embody that profession.

Because let's face it, it's rather difficult to meet a well-balanced person who's also a competent professional.

Most people look for personal qualities first, and from those they infer competence in one's profession.

Also, if you argue about something that interests you directly - people tend to interpret it as self-advertisement and are quite wary.

So what I would try here is a change in approach: to stop being confrontational and trying to convince them, and instead be curious in their choice of acupuncture, naturopathy, etc. Ask questions about that. Show interest in their situation. Be unaffected about whether they continue going to alternative medicine or switch to a doctor. In fact, be even slightly dismissive about entertaining that conversation.

I suspect that by doing this you'll have a much bigger chance of at least some of them starting to consider going to a doctor, and very possibly that doctor may be you.

Quote from John Freeman on April 9, 2023, 1:31 pm

Thanks Bel!

Yes I agree with you: I actually did it with my friend about naturopathy in the past. I could see he was relieved that I was not judging him. The only caveat is that I think it empowered him in his ways. But it's a matter of beliefs and I won't change their beliefs.

It's true that many times people have not found the right professional for them and blame the whole profession. Healing oneself is also very personal. It's not up to me to project my expectations or my own beliefs on my friends. It’s not my job nor my duty nor productive.

I think I was also disappointed to see my friends being so careless with their health, in summary:

• One has neck pains for years because of a pinched nerve: won't see a physiotherapist.
• One has self-diagnosed sleep paralysis (?), has seen a documentary about it, concluded it's about stress but won't go to the doctor because he's stressed at work anyway: the doctor cannot do anything about it (?!). He's the one who stayed for a week with a severe otitis media that put him in bed because he did not want to see a doctor. Only went to a doctor when I told him to, got antibiotics and pain killers and felt better.
• Broke his forearm while skiiing but did not get a swiss accident insurance (cost less than 20 euros a month) even if in CH for 4 years (so he knew about it, wanted to save money), so had to cross the French border with this broken forearm to get the surgery with his French insurance. He said himself it was dumb.
• One has insomnia for years but never been to a doctor for it, however been to acupuncuture, etc. without any improvement.

So seeing my friends behaving like the uninformed parents I see at work irritated me. I agree with you that the best I can do is to be more empathetic and less judgmental. Also, not taking it personally: it's their health, their responsibility not mine. If they don't trust doctors or are afraid to go to the doctor, I'm better off understanding why instead of judging it, I agree.

Also having to be empathetic outside of work and listen patiently to nonsense: sometimes my patience is worn out and I don't want to do it outside of work. But then people feel judged. So I'll get worse results if I make them feel judged.

In summary: people believe what they want to believe. I'll be a friend to them anyway and support them. It's difficult for me to hear the same things outside of work than at work but that's a fact of life, I have to deal with it and not take it personally even if coming from my friends. It's my problem to be irritated by it not theirs.

Thanks for your advice!

Edit: I do have a personal problem with Quackery, this also I must let it go. It's people's choice.

Quote from John Freeman on April 14, 2023, 8:51 am

Hello Everyone,

My friend lies to have his way

Last Sunday we went on a hike with my friend Nader. At the end of the hike we were sitting at a restaurant. He proposed to call our friends on a video call, I accepted. We called them and they were all in the car, coming back from France. Including my friend's GF from Sweden. He proposed them during this call to go to throw axes this week-end. He pushed on her: "it's your culture, it's the viking culture!" whereas it was obvious she was not interested. I could see on other people's faces they were not excited. They said "it's going to be cold, let's confirm during the week by messages". And we hung up.

I created a WhatsApp group yesterday for this week-end and asked them if they wanted to do the axe throwing or a board game since the weather was basd (axe throwing is indoor). Personnally I'm curious to try it but I do not have high expectations. It's Nader who's pushing it, I don't know why yet. He only did it once. They had great fun. Maybe because of the fun, maybe as a leadership move, maybe because he's good at it and want to show off? We'll see...

My friend Nader says in the group to my other friend:

Nader: Man, we decided on the axe throwing. Stop to close your minds. We are promoting the scandinavian culture ;) (referring to his joke with the GF)

Franck: Really we signed? (sweating emoji) As you want I'm ok to try. (forgetting what we said)

...

...

Me: Ok so I'm happy to try. Just for precision's sake Frank: we did not confirm it yet, we said that we would tell one another with messages...

Here, for me Nader manipulated/nudged many times:

• Using scandinavia as a nudge because the GF is swedish (does not really make sense)
• Lying that it was already confirmed whereas it was not
• Guilt-tripping by implying that to say "no" to this activity would be to have a closed mind.

What prompted me to react was the lie. If I allowed him to get away with it, would set a bad precedent. I had to expose him in the WhatsApp group but did not say it too explicitly. I used "precision" to minimize.

So it's a small lie but as we saw it tells a lot about the person. I already noticed he manipulated in the past. However, most of the times it's quite obvious as here. And most of the times it's too appear better/show off or to have his way. So many times, it's quite benign. He's more a "contaminated manipulator" than a "consummate one". His mother is the queen of guilt-tripping, victim-appearing, pity-calling. I do consider him as a friend and like him as a person.

Happy to hear your thoughts on this if you feel like it.

Quote from John Freeman on April 16, 2023, 8:57 pm

I want to give an update since I felt quite low these past 2-3 months.

I'm back at my usual mood baseline and self-esteem, so good news.

It was quite painful as it always is when you have to de-construct yourself and re-build yourself. Sleep, exercise and friendships got me out of this "neurochemical dark hole". Now it's about continuing these good habits. I feel like everytime I go through these painful moments, I come back not stronger in the sense that I feel closer to my essence if it makes sense to you. That is, I feel there is less clutter and noise in my thought patterns.

What changed?

• I now understand the skills and mental processes I have to improve in order to be a better doctor
• I care less about what other people think about me: I'm more self-reliant.
• I wrote again my goals, values, priorities so it gave me a new clarity and drive.
• I'm more focussed on what I can control
• I have less FOMO: I do what I choose to do, if I choose not I did not miss anything I chose a better opportunity for me
• I am now in the process of decluttering/sorting my life: my computer, my appartment. I was scattered before: wanted to do everything, read everything. There were so many movies I wanted to see. So I had all this stuff in my shelves, my computer, etc. Now I'm deleting and removing stuff. I feel like I was a bit crazy. Now I'm more aware that I cannot do everything and it's alright. I focus on a few things and accept I cannot do more if I don't want to burn out. I need to be good at my job, have friends, do some exercise, eat well, sleep enough, have a couple hobbies, go in nature, see my family, do some personal development. That's it and that's already a lot. Not too much of each, not too little. But what I need.
• I listen more to my body: what do I feel like doing now? Nature: alright let's do this. Hungry: I'll eat. So I'm more in tune with the natural rhythm of my self. Before I was forcing myself too much to do things because I decided to do it. Then because it was not my rythm I could not sustain it, for instance: 6 workouts a week when going from 0 to 6. So I had to many "theoretical goals" that were not rooted in my current capacities/desires. So of course I would fail them since they were not realistic. So willpower is good but it can be misplaced and go against our own best interests. I still think it's good to be able to force oneself to do things but like all things, in moderation.

I listened to "Will I ever be good enough?" and even if I was familiar with a lot of the content already: it helped me to understand the depth and widespread of mental and emotional damage of having had a narcisstic mother. So it gave me greater confidence in building a happier and more fulfilling life. It reminded me also how many of my previous goals years before were tainted by desires of grandeur through her probably.

So thanks to all again! :)

Edit: I also realized that I did not internalize adequate parental internal psychic figures so that was the source of self-sabotage. That is why I was not taking good enough care of myself. I was not being a good parent enough for myself. Especially I was not a good father to myself.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 16, 2023, 9:33 pm

Rock on, John!

About this one:

Quote from John Freeman on April 14, 2023, 8:51 am

Hello Everyone,

My friend lies to have his way

(...)

Yeah, a bit overbearing and annoying, but not the worst.

In your message, John, I'd have first said "we didn't actually decide to be precise, but I'm happy to try it" because it's more definite and leader-like.

Adding that it wasn't decided leaves things unclear: so, if it wasn't decided, are we sure now, or still not yet?

And then if the group start discussing again, you lose points because you already said "yes" and now everything's up in the air again.

Quote from John Freeman on April 17, 2023, 1:25 pm

Thank you very much! It's better and clearer I agree.

Quote from John Freeman on April 22, 2023, 10:18 pm

Tasking my mother back 

I know it sounds bad… However those who read what I wrote know that my mother is unfortunately playing games to say the least.

So she sent me this text:

Her: hello darling! If you can call me at 8pm please.
Me (at 9:30pm, was working did not see the text earlier): hello, I’m available now if you want to call me.

She does not enquire about my availability here. She’s retired and I’m working…

For years (about 15-20 since I left home) she tried to guilt trip me that I was not calling her. I told her dozens of time that she could call me. But she wouldn’t. When I asked her why she said that it was too expensive with her subscription. So that tells you a lot about the dynamics already. Also keep in mind that she’s living off my father’s pension and is travelling. But calling her son is too expensive… especially in this day and age (?!).

So referring to Bel’s retasking of his customer I tasked her back. Well it worked… she called me in the next 10 min. Of course she wanted something from me. So that’s an example on top of Bel’s example of tasking back.

Quote from John Freeman on April 25, 2023, 5:14 pm

Hello everyone,

good news: I got my 2 final performance review for this rotation: they were very happy with my progress.

So I attribute this to taking in + applying their feed-back and modifying my social strategy.