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My Journey to Power
This morning, I feel that I finally reached an above-average social intelligence.
It took me a lot of time to catch up and now I feel I'm slightly ahead than the average.
I'm going for the top 1%, so I estimate it's 5-10 years of self-development work ahead of me still. It's worth it though. I am starting to cash in the dividends, so I cannot imagine where this is going to take me.
A note on idiocracy (if you haven't seen the movie warmly recommended):
Stupid people might breed faster than smart people. But I think they also die at a higher rate (accidents, violence, etc.). I don't think it evens it out but is slows the rise of idiocracy.
To be fair I have my share of stupidity like everyone else. The difference is constant stupidity.
I'm pissed off. Thinking about it again. This lying manipulator told my bosses that she was coming to work with a knot in her stomach. She did the pity play and the victim on them. That makes me lose trust in them. I won't say it but basically they believed her. So they're too naive for me to have them as leaders over the long run.
Lesson learned. I'll talk to them about it in a few years. I'll let some water run but this is one of the biggest trap I fell into.
I cannot believe they fell for it.
She actually attacked seriously my reputation. My mistake but she's going to pay this with karma dearly.
I feel disgusted with what she did. She's plain evil.
I'm thinking about telling my supervisors after I end my contract that she lied but that would be thread expanding.
I'll take it on the chin like all the other abuse I endured so far. It's not the first, not the last. It's a lesson and will make me stronger and a better leader.
Now I know how to deal with a lying lazy subordinate. The lesson is worth the price. There is no other way to learn anyway. Go through the storm, survive and be better for the next one.
I'll bury her with my results. All the attacks I'm getting are making me stronger because I'm the learner. That is my arrogance: that whatever happens I'll learn from it. I built an ego around being a learner and it serves me well.
It stirs me up still this abuse, 2 options:
- Let it go and take the abuse
- At the end of my employment, tell them I would have preferred they give me the benefit of the doubt. That it hurt me.
The truth is that they never took responsibility for the recruiting mistake and the bad management. So I lost trust and faith in them and I don’t see myself working long term with them anymore. I had left the door open but now I think they are not high quality enough. I learn from them in term of strategy and Machiavelliaism. Even in terms of management as I’m a huge beginner. I would have liked them to tell me: “she said that and we cannot know if it’s true or not. It does not matter. I want you to know that you have our trust.”
In what universe do you believe a low performer who’s nobody likes in the whole team over her superior who’s a high performer and gave tons of value to your team and whose character you’ve seen. Only when people get manipulated through their ego. Her shtick: “I’m a poor woman who’s being mistreated by this abusive man who’s my superior. Oh and I admire you so much”
So it was a good experience but I need higher quality people. The value is there I’m learning, the power is there as well. I’m learning. It’s the quality that is lacking. Well at minimum I feel betrayed again.
Doing self-introspection daily at high intensity has its drawbacks. Just like someone who has travelled a lot gets a bit jaded: “been there done that”. Also with people my standards only get higher and higher.
After listening to this book recently I understand I have only one possible speed: full throttle.
He speaks about activity and sublimation instead of mind-numbing pastimes for people with a very active mind. It makes sense to me. I’ll do my best to go in this direction.
To balance my inner light and good intentions I need again to add more machivellianism. Otherwise I’m toast. High quality without Machiavellianism and strategy is naive.
But machiavellianism must be turned on and off.
Manipulators and gifted people have been at war since the dawn of time. We’re natural enemies for many reasons. It’s our spiritual nature. They do what they do and we do what we do. Such is the way of the World.
So what can I do? Upgrade, improve and grow. I won’t let myself be a victim. I’ll be a victor. I owe it to myself and to the group.
Just like the rebellion in Andor to beat my enemy sometimes I have to become my enemy. The line is fine. Not to lose myself in the process. It’s not about looking in the abyss. It’s about having the courage to jump into the abyss, die inside to our old selves and come out of it as a new self. This process is still unknown to me and it’s a bit frightening (like episode 10 of season 7 of Rick and Morty).
We’ll see how far I’m serious about being a spiritual warrior. I’m aware this might not make sense to some people reading this. I accept it.
Part of the journey is showing my true self to my peers and up to them what they think about it. It’s not in my control nor my business. I respect people’s opinions about me. It’s about going beyond all of this like other people did it before me.
Having the courage to go in the cave, into the desert, it’s all the same. It’s the unknown of deep self-transformation. We know what we leave behind but not what’s ahead. These are thoughts what matters is the action. I’m afraid not to have the courage to do it. And it’s a fear I’m facing as I’m writing this down.
My role in this life is to be a warrior. I’m not proud nor ashamed of it. It is what it is. On this I have no choice. The only choice I have is how I’ll approach it. If I refuse this I will feel ashamed as to me I would have been a coward.
I now understand that all along it was about fears. About facing my fears.
Like Paul Atreides in the desert, like Luke on Dagobah, etc.
I thought it was about facing my fear of heights and it partly is.
However, this not the fear that is crippling me in day-to-day life.
It's also not about identifying fears, this is the intellectual part. It's about facing them. The action part. This is where the learning is. Outside of my comfort zone. The place where I did not dare to go yet enough. There are risks involved but I'm willing to take them. The price to pay is real, the potential reward is growth. What does not kill me makes me stronger. And none of these fears are mortal. I may be fired, I may be ostracized, but I'll survive this.
After speaking to my doctor colleague about nurses' games it dawned on me.
All these games nurses play on us on a semi-daily basis is plain, simple, good ol', nasty, petty:
Social Climbing
Tadaah... (trumpet noise). It just takes different shapes. But all they try to do is social climb on us:
- You did this wrong
- It never changes here (because of the head doctors)
- There's always a communication problem in this hospital (because of the doctors)
- If we put these children together in the hospital room this one is going to get sick! (because of you)
- And so on and so forth...
And this why they're never-ending. Complaining is an indirect way of social climbing: we complain at work about the incompetent and the inefficient. So they're implying that we're incompetent and inefficient which implies they're efficient and competent. The lazy man/woman way to getting status.
The dynamics is much simpler than I thought:
It's a low status low power professional social climbing on a high status high power professional
Plain and simple. There are ramifications to it: quality, self-esteem, but the grand scheme is social climbing.
This will help me a lot to defend as I now know what's at stake: who's superior by comparison.
And it's free status. You don't have to work, just have to point other's "mistakes" (they're not always mistakes so real or imagined).
2 other factors that bring the mean streak in those people (of course many of the nurses are different, there are tons of great people among them):
- Idleness: "an idle mind is the devil's workshop"
- Envy: the little gremlin voice saying: "How can these people earn more than me? I could do their job!"
