My Yale professor responded to my review on his class...
Hey everyone,
First, let me say, I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays!
I'm throwing in this post as something for everyone to look at and, if you'd like, comment in this thread about.
Having finished my review on the Yale course I took—and itching to try out some negotiation strategies I learned from Chris Voss—I wanted to see what I could do. Voss says, "Everything in life is a negotiation", and I agree. So, I wanted to see what might happen if I emailed my former Yale professor in the hopes of creating a win-win situation (wasn't even sure what I was going to ask for yet :).
My Yale professor is an entrepreneur and co-author of multiple books, so we have a bit of common ground there. Here was my initial email:
What do you think? Pretty selfish email right ;).
I did my best to have a focus on giving. I wasn't sure if he would think, "Alright, what's the catch?" But I also didn't really care because I had no idea what I was going to ask for yet assuming everything went smoothly. All I was thinking is that giving value is a good way to connect, so let's focus on what's in it for him.
This was his response:
It feels like he devalued my review (credit-erasing?). He took the time to read the entire review then opted for frame-ignoring when it came to my offer to provide him with value in the email.
Like I said, not the biggest deal. I simply thought this would be fun to do and might work as a cool case study. And, I'm reaching out to Chris Voss next :D.
Short answer: your praises come with strings attached. So you were not giving freely something away. Also it seems like you boasted quite a bit. Even in the title of your thread you say "Yale professor". So it seems you value him a lot and feel inferior to him. It also feels like you could get something out of him by praising him and raising your own value.
Long story short, I would focus on increasing my authenticity and my appreciation of others.
Thanks for the feedback, John!
Yes, the "boasting" was me testing out giving him the "prove yourself to me" judge role. By doing a bit of self-promotion, I can advertise the value I have to offer which makes it easier for him to acknowledge the incentives I bring to the table he might be interested in. It's not his job to dig around the internet for what I can do for him, so the self-promo was apart of protecting his interests (WIIFT).
Also, not quite sure what you mean by there being strings attached to the value I gave because I never asked for anything. Typically, if there are strings attached that might be made clear in the email. Here's an example:
Hi Barry,
Hope you're having a good week!
I am an author located in Saint Leonard, MD. I am the author of a business non-fiction titled “The Clever Connector” and after looking at your website and books I believe we share the same type of audience.
To this end, I would like to know if you are interested in doing some cross-marketing with me. In a nutshell, I can introduce your book to my audience and you can introduce my book to yours.
I believe we both could benefit from the effort, plus our readers benefit from the variety.
Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Thank you!
Ali Scarlett
Right there, is an email I picked up from John Cabrera that highlights you're looking for something in return and what it is you're looking for. (At the same time, you may be seeing something I'm missing. If there's a part of my email that states I'm looking for an exchange, you can let me know).
On another note, if you check out Bob Littell's approach to networking (what he calls NetWeaving) he might have sent a similar email as mine since it doesn't ask for anything in return. Instead, he would tell the receiver to simply pay it forward with the belief that it would eventually come back around to him (he calls this the irrefutable law of reciprocity).
All that said, I can 100% agree with you that there may have been a lack of authenticity in my email. This could be due to the fact that, as I said above, I didn't care too much whether or not he responded.
Also, the "Yale professor" in the title is only to draw more engagement to this thread, not unlike the title of your thread: I LOVE toxic workplaces :).
Yes, the "boasting" was me testing out giving him the "prove yourself to me" judge role. By doing a bit of self-promotion, I can advertise the value I have to offer which makes it easier for him to acknowledge the incentives I bring to the table he might be interested in. It's not his job to dig around the internet for what I can do for him, so the self-promo was apart of protecting his interests (WIIFT).
I think you missed my point. To me there is a manipulative vibe in both. I think you using a title of one my thread to prove a point that was raised only by you is also quite covert aggressive.
Yes, and I appreciate the value you've given in this thread John, your feedback is great.
We're all here to make each other better and learn from each other. You seem to be the kind of person who believes in collaboration and I have respect for you as well as your knowledge of social power dynamics. So, I'm happy to be shown how I've been covert aggressive. I'm open to learning.
It's all good man. in the following example I will switch our seats:
Example: If I would ask you feed-back and you provide one. Then I answer and I say: "but when you did this it was also manipulative". It means I would frame something else you did in the past that is not related to the topic (and to which I did not participate BTW: I did not see your name in the thread) in a negative light. That is why it's aggressive. It's covert because I would be framing it as using it as an example of "a fact" to prove my point. And it's not. Because it's not a fact.
Going back to our normal seats:
Also it implies that I would have said that your title was manipulative, which I did not as it was not what was said. I said the title is boasting and you justify it by saying it's to increase the engagement of the thread. So it's all a big mix-up, man. As I said, it's all good.
Glad we're on good terms mate, I value our relationship :).
And, all due respect, I don't believe there was any covert aggression here because I never delivered a one-up frame. So, apologies if I misread the power dynamics there.
Also, I wasn't asking for feedback. Here's what I said:
Ali: "I'm throwing in this post as something for everyone to look at and, if you'd like, comment in this thread about."
And
Ali: I simply thought this would be fun to do and might work as a cool case study.
There was no request for feedback. I thanked you for your feedback because I recognize that that's a form of value you're providing not only to the thread but to me. So, as a way of acknowledging the value you provided, I gladly showed my appreciation and will continue to in the future.
Dude, please stop these games with me, it's annoying.
THOUGHTS ON THE FIRST EMAIL EXCHANGES
- Judge position
Yeah, in the first email you sent there were compliments, but all delivered from a judge position.
The most judge-compliment was "as a best-selling author myself, I can say that your future looks bright... ".
That can be perceived as very condescending to the receiver, especially if they receive it from someone whom they think hasn't yet accomplished as much.
- Offering value
Offering to promote one's work without asking anything in return can feel suspicious to the receiver.
- His reply
Yes, it was not a very warm reply.
When someone shares a positive review and the author answers by (indirectly) complain about that review, it (almost) never fails to disappoint the reviewer.
THOUGHTS ON THE ALI / JOHN EXCHANGE
That one derailed.
Let me know if you both would like feedback on the exchange, I think it can be a good learning opportunity, but you both must be willing to put ego aside (same for the other thread).
- Judge position
I have to remember that when giving compliments as a way of giving value, it can also be a way of taking a judge position over someone else.
There's likely a lesson in Power University I can review on how to deliver compliments without the rapport-breaking judge authority position.
- Offering value
Yes, I agree. For my email to Chris Voss, I have an idea of what I'm going to ask for and will be fielding that request in the same email.
I simply wanted to test the reaction of the other side for this one.
- His reply
Yes, it led me to call into question how positive the review really is. His feedback didn't contain any complaints on the review having anything inaccurate, only that he wanted to play more of a "starring role" and so on.
- THOUGHTS ON THE ALI / JOHN EXCHANGE
Yes, would love to hear what I could have done better. I can definitely see this being a learning experience that I look back on ten years from now and be grateful for.
I can also share my thoughts behind my decision-making on what made me choose to handle it the way that I did, but I will not do that without John's permission or consent.