Quote from John Freeman on January 2, 2022, 10:46 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 31, 2021, 7:17 pm

Yep, thank you John, came out really good.

PU-link worthy probably.

I'm glad you guys liked it!

Thanks Lucio, for your feed-back!

Cheers!

Quote from John Freeman on January 7, 2022, 8:30 pm

Another instance from a same-level (younger female) tasker colleague:

Context: she calls to tell me they have seen the patient in neurology which I've seen at the emergency room.

• Her(ending the exchange): "Perfect!"
• Me: "Perfect!"
• Her: "Perfect!" (yes a 2nd time)
• Me: "Nice!"

I did not do it very consciously (Perfecting in mirror) but we can see here that she's very power-conscious. Otherwise she would not have reacted with another "Perfect!". Our exchange might sound absurd but it shows the principle that letting slip little interactions like this (death of a thousand cuts) is a bad idea. Notice also that I came out on top. I find it silly but I have to in order not to submit as she's not willing to play equals. I go "win-lose" instead of "lose-win" since "win-win" is not an option with her.

So now she knows I'm aware of her games and will respond to them.

Of course when we have discussions in the hospital's halls she never "Perfect" me. But as soon as she has the opportunity: "Fire, go!"

I think it's a good practice to show power players that you know the game and can play it. It does not have to be in the open as in surfacing.

It's a bit like showing your sword but not using it. We can swing and will if we have to but won't if not necessary.

I do think it's in these small interactions that hierarchies are (partly) established. The goal is to fly high with the eagles.

I do used a couple of "thanks" but when people continue to treat me as a subordinate, I do the same. So I mix the style of:

• One-upping: "Perfect"
• Collaborating: "Thanks"

I'm communicating to equals: "I'm a collaborator and will treat you like an equal but if you treat me like a subordinate, I will also treat you like a subordinate."

Of course I use preferably "thanks" (inbuilt warmth and collaboration) than "perfect", I use "perfect" only when a subordinate has been trying to show he's not subordinate. When hierarchy has to be made clear verbally.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 8, 2022, 4:28 am

Great stuff, John.

Some more random ideas/options that could have also worked:

• "Thank you" with flat tonality can also work against the "perfect" power move:

as long as you say without the intention of giving value, it's more like a way to end the conversation. Many high-level bosses go around "thank you-ing" all the lower-level employees, even when they have no idea what they're doing and whether they're worth being "thank you-ed"

• Cheers can also work,

it's more neutral and there is little power component, but if you move away soon after it sub-communicates "I'm ending the conversation, I need to get back to work (kinda of a "busy power move")"

• "3 times perfect, that's an achievement"

It's a different form of going meta.

You're calling out the game, but without going deep, and from a neutral position. No stepping back and no accusing her.

It also communicates "I'm aware of the power games".

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 8, 2022, 10:29 am

Other miscellaneous possibilities using non-verbals.

"Friendlier" Non-Verbals

• Head Nod: Quick nod and then walk away.
• Polite Smile: Flash a smile and then walk away.

"One-up" Non-Verbals

• Short Laugh: Laugh a bit like you're laughing at her mini-games
• Incredulous Look (Oh what was that face): I recall there was a good one by the guy from "Meet the Fockers".
  Not sure where so I googled and used this image instead:
  
• Frown: That "perfect" was weird and out of place
  
• Head Shake: Same as above

• "3 times perfect, that's an achievement"

It's a different form of going meta.

You're calling out the game, but without going deep, and from a neutral position. No stepping back and no accusing her.

It also communicates "I'm aware of the power games".

This example looks suitable to link under the mirroring technique of frame control.

Quote from John Freeman on January 9, 2022, 9:45 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 8, 2022, 4:28 am

Great stuff, John.

Some more random ideas/options that could have also worked:

• "Thank you" with flat tonality can also work against the "perfect" power move:

I agree.

• Cheers can also work,

I agree. Also delivered on a neutral tone.

• "3 times perfect, that's an achievement"

I agree it's more suited for work than surfacing. It's a middle ground.

@Matthew: Thanks for your suggestions!

Quote from John Freeman on January 9, 2022, 7:27 pm

Quote from John Freeman on January 7, 2022, 8:30 pm

Of course I use preferably "thanks" (inbuilt warmth and collaboration) than "perfect", I use "perfect" only when a subordinate has been trying to show he's not subordinate. When hierarchy has to be made clear verbally.

Clarification:
I use "Perfect" myself when someone has done a task if it was a subordinate that either:

1. Did a great job in a timely manner: as a mark of appreciation
2. Played power games on me: and it's time to remind them who's in charge

Or to defend against a "Perfect!" power move from a subordinate or equal.

Quote from Transitioned on January 29, 2022, 2:04 am

Haha thanks @johnfreeman and everyone.  Had one of these turn up in the last 2 weeks.  Handing over to a new project manager.  She likes to say - that's OK or that's fine every time you say something.

So every time I went great/nice/perfect/wonderful on top of and if she was being really annoying I'd say Ok/fine by me.  She seemed a bit irritated at the end but tough shit lady nobody appointed you judge.

 

Quote from Alex on January 29, 2022, 8:49 am

I've noticed I tend to say that not just to subordinates, but also to equals.

That's probably because it became a habit for me to say it since I moved to a leadership position, or that a lot of people around me have been doing it so I'm unconsciouly defending my own power, but this thread made me realize it might not be the smartest thing to do if I want to create win-win relationships.

How would you replace that with a more power-neutral appreciation?

I'm thinking about more supportive and less judging words like "good luck" if we're talking about something they're doing or plan to do, or "congrats" if that's something they've already done (but still sounds like what a judge would say).

Maybe something that builds the other person more if you're impressed, like "respect man".

Quote from Transitioned on January 29, 2022, 9:49 am

I probably wouldn't mind from my boss. From other managers or equals it's a red flag.  It sounds like its completely unconscious and no intention from you.  However a lot of nasty players use this trick so it's going to set off people's threat radar.

I ve got a few thoughts but still learning on power protecting and collaborative leadership so hopefully @lucio or some of the other guys have time to drop by.