Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Short Thank You's and Feedback
A shoutout to Mats G (@mats-g) (out of context of your current situation, I know it's not the best moment but I risk to forget if I wait to write this):
When you said:
@lucio: thank you for challenging me the other day.
You gained respect from me. I meant it not in a judgey kind of move but rather like: "this is as eagle as it gets" (so maybe "admiration" is a better word). Great learner mindset and being grateful for being challenged means also you can take it. So it sub-communicates: "I'm learning from this and I can take direct/uncomfortable feed-back" (to be honest I don't remember what you're referring exactly to but it does not change my thinking). Props to you. I think it also motivates the person to give you more feed-back and also builds a mentor-mentee frame. So great stuff.
Thank you for the shoutout and the kind words John!
It's truly heartwarming to get a compliment like this from a person I respect.
I want to say thanks to Lucio for his shorts on YouTube. I found it’s the most efficient “matrix-like” to learn your mindsets. I recommend them to everyone.
Since I heard: “if they one up you, if they mistreat you they’re not your friends. They are people you need to enforce boundaries with” I already got benefits. Today at work a subordinate tried to social climb on me and one-up me a few times. I was able to reject their frame and make her look stupid with just a couple of words. That is now I felt justified to defend myself whereas even if I did before it did not feel this natural.
Now I see better what she’s doing: trying to make me look bad. I don’t see why I should accept that logically, ethically and personally. So I just don’t accept it.
In the past I valued people’s well-being above mine. I worked on that. However letting them step all over me is a twisted view on that: “I’ll let them step on me so they won’t feel bad and I’ll keep the peace and be liked and accepted”. Well, no. I just get stepped on, feel bad and they feel powerful and increase their status and power on my back? Not on my watch. Not anymore.
When I saw the DC vs Khabib where he talks shit about him through a story I thought: “that is such shitty behaviour”. So ugly and stinky. Then I also realized that is what it looks like to social climb in absentia. I sometimes join my friends in it but it’s shit. I will hold us all to a better standard. There are other things we can laugh about. The trick is that many people like to do it so I did not want to be the “holier than thou”. Now I see I can show my disapproval either through silence or a small polite smile.
Thank you Lucio.
Thank you so much, John!
Both for the kind words, and for the feedback.
Now I see there may be great value in "simply" learning or acquiring a certain attitude towards things/people/behavior, and that the attitude may be one of the most important shifts.
Thanks, I’m glad. Yes I believe so. High Power Mindsets. :)
Regarding this as I'm thinking about it this morning:
The problem is that when one is confronted with their own manipulative or gaslighting behaviour they most probably will deny it (being semi- or totally unaware of it and/or being too painful to admit). So now they look even more like a manipulator or a gaslighter to others: not only the person perceived as being manipulative or gaslighting but on top of it the person is denying it. So it looks even more like manipulation, lying or gaslighting. That's why the only solution of this inception-like situation is for the person to take some distance and own their nasty behaviour (whether it's learned or a decision does not matter for other group members for good reasons). Yes it's painful but if one does not take this distance and take responsibility for it then there's no chance of redemption and the behaviour is likely to stay.
I also want to thank you Lucio for having given me the benefit of the doubt and explained to me what was going on. If it was not for you I have would not have been able to become aware of it. It was a huge personal development moment for me. I'm not revisiting the event here. I'm rather telling that giving the benefit of the doubt to a person who sincerely wants to get rid of their own manipulative and/or passive-aggressive behaviour is a benevolent action. That is it's taking the hand that is being held out. So I thank you for your benevolence. That also goes for anybody who helped me in seeing what was going on of course.
Thank you for the thank you, the note, and the feedback, John.
By the way, that is a huge success story man and a big badge of honor for you.
Worthy of a book one day.
And until then... Certainly worthy of an article.
I think it could help a lot of people and you may be best positioned to write it.
If you wanna go for it now or in the future, just let me know.
Wow. Thanks a lot Lucio I was not expecting that.
I’m definitely interested. As you know it’s been a long time I want to contribute to TPM in such a way as Transitioned did. As I saw how much it was valuable to me.
I thought about social circle stuff as you know. And I did not feel competent enough to have enough value to offer. Now that you’re talking about it where I feel the most experienced is in outgrowing manipulative parent/dysfunctional family/abuse. In my case it’s mostly neglect (framed as “freedom”) and emotional/psychological abuse. But the principles probably apply to other similar situations (addicted parent, physical abuse) as the manipulation and abuse is always part of such relationships. I don’t want to commit to writing an article and then feel resentful because it becomes a chore. That being said I will think about it sincerely and come back to you through email. It’s out of my comfort zone which is appealing to me.
edit: regarding the book I thought about it maybe one day when I’m old and wise :)
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Awesome, happy you'd potentially be interested!
AS for it not turning into a chore, I think the chances are really slim because the approach is:
You only write as long as YOU want and feel like.
TPM doesn't chase anyone to write anything unless they want.
You may even start it and never finish it, and that's still cool.
AS a matter of fact, that may be the only way to keep TPM as high quality as it can be.
To only write something when one feels strongly that he may add value, and when he truly wants to do it.
As for moving forward, whenever you wish, we can do this:
- You can start it on a Word file at your own time and pace
- Alternatively, if you prefer I can give you author rights to start it right on the website (can check this thread here)
- Just let me know when you start it / get close to completion (don't often read emails these days, but I can let support know to let me know)
- Potentially you can create a thread for feedback (that'd be very useful actually)
When, if, and timelines all up to you.
Quote from John Freeman on July 31, 2023, 1:46 pmedit: regarding the book I thought about it maybe one day when I’m old and wise 🙂
This is actually a great mindset to ensure quality.
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