Quote from John Freeman on December 11, 2023, 2:21 pm

Hello Lucio,

As said in the other thread, I think that your 5 points and both your reflections above are PU-worthy:

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 11, 2023, 12:01 am

1. What you accept becomes "acceptable". So the moment he accepted the insults and reprimands, they also became "fair" and nobody said anything
2. Only what you call as unacceptable can be unacceptable. I'd be willing to bet that if he had enforced boundaries, he would have led his own charge with more and more people calling the judge a bully, too aggressive, power-craving or, at least, unprofessional*.
3. You pay a social price for accepting poor behavior. That guy now he's buttfucker3000 who's been made fun of and insulted by the judge. He could have been instead the guy who stood up for himself, for respect, and made a judge pay the price for his bullying
4. You may as well lose your own respect
5. Standing up for yourself you gain reputation, personal power, and potentially confidence and self-esteem

First point allows the fine distinctions that often are challenging for people to grasp (black-white thinking, THE solution, principle vs context, etc.).

The second point is very important for understanding the value of self-defense. That's why I underlined the 5 points as well. I think they really argue in favour of self-defense. I think it's important because if we've let other people take advantage of us, then defending ourselves is often outside of our comfort zone. So this could represent a welcome "push" in the right direction supporting us to have the courage to act in this direction.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on December 11, 2023, 4:49 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 11, 2023, 1:33 pm

Maybe tonight's sleep was too much about power dynamics :D.

But this morning I could see this principle applied at a social level as well:

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 11, 2023, 12:22 am

BTW, I'm thinking this may be a very important concept:

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 11, 2023, 12:01 am

1. What you accept becomes "acceptable"
2. Only what you call as unacceptable can be unacceptable

 

Social-level / culture

The power dynamics at work is that:

What's culturally OK and what's not OK is a power negotiation.

For example, today sexist jokes at work and/or publicly are a no-no.

Just some decades ago they were OK.

It only changed when some feminists first started saying "not OK".

However, individual-level experience always trumps society.
So in your personal life, in your relationships, if you're a high-power and smooth man who sub-communicates he has no ill-intention (high warmth), you can still drop any sexist joke you want and most women who like you will laugh about it.

And this is why TPM generally advises ignoring the social wars and focusing on yourself instead.

Recruiting support

I also had to reflect on the bullying example.

If you're passive with bullying and insults, nobody helps you, nobody supports you.

Acceptance of anything means there is no issue -just nature doing its course-.

Non-acceptance means that something may be wrong, or unfair.
Part of it is that you sub-communicate that you're not the type of man that should be insulted.

Then and only then others may be ready to agree with you, or support you and your cause.

Thinking aloud here.
If anyone sees any value in it please do let me know and it may find its way into PU.
If not, then no point in being there :).

+1 to the idea of adding these points to PU, Lucio.

However, I think it should also be added with one or two notes on when to strategically ignore/overlook a power move as well. (I could see this addition leading to more emotional reactivity to power moves and wanting to respond to "everything" for some students.)

Quote from Ali Scarlett on December 20, 2023, 10:29 pm

Also, I think this new thread could become link-worthy too if it (eventually) gains more posts, thoughts, and feedback:

• What you accept becomes "acceptable" and "fair"