Quote from Ali Scarlett on December 19, 2023, 10:46 pm

Continuing from this thread (which also led to this post):

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 11, 2023, 12:01 am

(...)

1. What you accept becomes "acceptable". So the moment he accepted the insults and reprimands, they also became "fair" and nobody said anything
2. Only what you call as unacceptable can be unacceptable. I'd be willing to bet that if he had enforced boundaries, he would have led his own charge with more and more people calling the judge a bully, too aggressive, power-craving or, at least, unprofessional*.

(...)

Something similar happened to me only a few hours ago that I think works as an even better "everyday" example.

Dealing with a Judge Who Gives Orders In a Social Group

As you guys know, I've recently gotten back into playing soccer.

When I played on Sunday (just a couple of days ago), I met someone who invited me to his pickup games on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So, today, I showed up ready to play.

The game started and a little later, two more people showed up (late). One of them was someone we'll call "O."

I was dribbling (much, much better at it now) here and there while still making good passes and attempts on goal.

O, however, wasn't happy with this play style and walked over to me.

He said, "What's your name?" I said, "Ali."

He says, "You're very talented, I can see that, why don't you run more? You don't have the stamina?"

I say, "Yeah, and I'm injured :)."

He says, "OK, pass the ball more then."

I agree, then continue playing as I had been anyway. (If I felt my stamina and injury were a problem, I wouldn't be playing soccer. And if my play style was costing the team, I would've changed my play style out of consideration for my teammates. But to this guy who just arrived, he doesn't know enough about if we're winning/how we're performing to decide for me how I should play. And to make it seem like that order was a "suggestion given to me as a favor" just felt like poor communication.)

Then, another teammate gets the ball who ends up losing it to dribbling.

Here comes O again, walking on over :).

He asks for his name, then orders him to pass more. And as O walks back to defense, he claps his hands saying, "Come on guys, let's pass the ball!"

Everyone continues playing as they had been.

I don't know if this guy is a regular visitor of these pickups and/or a valued member of this social group, so as a strategic decision I'm choosing to let it go. But, I'm noticing what he's doing:

• Shows up late: already a power move (even if we're lenient about it in the group)
• Starts asking for names: without giving his name back. So, more than the dynamics of wanting to be the only question-giver, now it comes across as if he just wants your name so he can yell at you some more later :)
• Starts giving orders: which would've been fine if he was the best on the team and, therefore, had the unofficial authority to act as an "unappointed team captain," but he wasn't.

I also notice that everyone else on our team is also ignoring him and continuing to play as they have been—which is very telling to me of his status within the group.

He starts to get upset and starts shouting, "Why do you all come out here if you're not going to play as a team? It makes no sense. You all come out here but dribble by yourselves, why do you all come out here?"

I started to wonder if this was his first time with this pickup group as well...which would make it even more audacious of him to show up late and then start ordering everyone around on how to play.

What O didn't know is that I'd played for a top team with a coach who specialized in the exact play style he was talking about.

So, I pass him the ball, make myself open, and begin ordering him on how and where to move.

Maybe it was the confidence in my voice and movements (coupled with my knowledge of how and where to move), but from the first order I gave him, he began following my instructions right away.

I saw his face and attitude change almost immediately as if he didn't realize I understood the game so well.

He even gave me more power with how quickly he was executing my instructions, so much so that, for a brief moment, I was a tiny bit concerned that this was some kind of setup (trap) to get me to make a mistake and then jump on the opportunity to say, "See, you don't know what you're doing. (I did everything you told me to and look what happened.) You need to listen to me."

But, it didn't seem like that was the case because of how much effort he was putting in. He was willing to run from defense all the way to the top of the field if I commanded it (and he actually did).

I kept looking at his face to read for any negative signs that he wasn't liking my assertiveness and order-giving, but all I saw in his face was focus.

This was the drive and eagerness of someone who really just wanted to win and was cool with following my lead if it meant we'd succeed. And from the first order I gave, this approach was immediately working in the team's favor.

Note: And let me also say, of course it was. This is a game with a wide age group—some teens and some in their thirties and forties—where some people mainly come out only for fun or for exercise. When you start "getting serious" by implementing a pro soccer style against a team of people who only came out for a good time, you're bound to start winning. It says very little about how good we actually were (or how good my leadership/soccer skills were for that matter).

In following my instructions, he gained two opportunities to score where it was only him and the goal.

In both cases, he somehow missed and hung his head.

After that, I felt I'd rebalanced my power and proved my point (this guy doesn't have the authority to tell anyone to do anything), so I went back to playing how I usually do.

And guess what? He went right back to barking :D.

Now that I think about it, it makes sense. He'd just gotten a sweet taste of the exact kind of soccer he wanted to play and now it was being taken away from him.

But, this is still the behavior of a socially unaware guy who's clearly not getting it.

Refusing to Accept Any More of His Behavior

He came over to me again and asked me to pass more (it seemed he wanted us to go back to that play style from before).

But, I say this instead:

Ali: "Yeah, well, I like dribbling (acceptable for me to say this now that I'm actually good here and have proven myself) and when I come out here it's to have fun (subcommunication: this is a pick up game, not a professional match, so everyone should be allowed to play how they want to because the point is to enjoy yourself). (So, I'm going to dribble sometimes.) You understand?"

The "you understand" was said accidentally (it just came out) and was said so instinctively that it came out in Jamaican Creole (Patois).

But since Patois is similar to broken English, the words are the exact same in both languages (it's simply said in a Jamaican accent).

The translation from Patois to English is, "Does that make sense?" which is what I meant to say.

However, the "you understand" was already said and once it left my mouth I decided to stand by it.

O responds in a way that ends up coming across as justifying, starting by answering to my "confirm understanding question" with something like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm just saying..."

Then and only then, did someone finally stand up and say, "Hey, stop trying to coach him :)."

And he backed off, saying, "I'm not trying to coach him..."

And this person (who was even on the other team) said again, "Yes, you are, stop trying to coach him."

A few more people said a few other things, I couldn't focus on everything being said at once, but most of it sounded like a general "let's move on (keep playing)".

After that, O didn't say anything else for the rest of the game.

Notice that it was only when I deemed O's behavior unacceptable and said something that someone else (who had probably been feeling the same way for a while) decided to chime in.