What I'm Doing, (Maybe Where 🙂 ) & Why

Quote from Ali Scarlett on February 3, 2021, 3:08 am

I did a sales call sometime late last month. It was part of a job interview for another sales position.

Sometimes, I'll tell people that I do these sales interviews when I don't need the job because I want to improve my communication skills. Or, that I want to improve my sales skills for my own businesses.

But, I think the truth is that COVID has left me more isolated than usual and I want to connect with more people while gaining more opportunities to practice what I learn in PU.

The interviewer said she noticed that I'm very analytical. And, that's due in part to me using so many of the techniques I learned from the sales, persuasion, and negotiation Masterclasses I've taken in addition to some handy PU frame control. So, I appeared to always have a line ready or a script in my head of what I should say next because "this person said this, so I should respond like this to get them to think this".

The problem, said the interviewer, is that I didn't exactly seem "human". There were moments when I would smile, laugh, or communicate genuine understanding and she said that, in those moments, I was very charming. Yet, outside of that, I seemed very analytical.

After that interview, there was a disagreement that I had with John in this very forum. And, I admired the way Lucio handled the situation with a seemingly empathetic, caring, "we can all learn from this, it's OK," attitude. I wanted to be that understanding in my own life and daily situations because I could feel that it was coming from a place of love for his community and others. It felt human. So, I asked him how he did it. And, he told me it's about empathy.

Needless to say, I spent every day since then doing my best to practice empathy in an effort to develop a deeper love for people so I could become more "human". And, that's because the truth is, that interviewer was right. I wasn't human. Not yet. And, I knew that.

HOW I BECAME "LESS HUMAN" 

When I was 16-years-old, I was abandoned and left to die. I've spent every day since then trying to be for myself and others what no one was for me because I believe no one should ever have to experience the pain that I felt in those days—especially not at such a young age. I had become suicidal and the experience gave me PTSD (according to my therapist).

That point in my life was so devastating that I no longer knew how to interact with people. I spent a lot of time in my hospital bed with all of the lights and TV off, thinking of why everyone had turned their backs on me, including people I had spent years nurturing relationships with. But, mostly, I was thinking of reasons to continue living.

From that point forward, interactions became a sort of transaction. When I saw people, I saw them as only being willing to take an interest or curiosity in me if there was something in it for them. After all, if my friends and family had a big enough incentive—if I had been a billionaire or celebrity—they would have been there for me when I was being pumped full of morphine and rushed into surgery with no guarantee of living to see tomorrow. At least, that's what I told myself and began to believe. So, hardened by my harsh experience, I figured this is the way I should've been moving throughout the world all along and began to see others as only being worth what they could do for me as well.

When I was practicing empathy as a young teen, it was about accepting the challenge of taking an interest in others first and doing my best to keep the conversation more focused on them instead of talking about myself, even though I was in pain. Even though I wanted others to take an interest in me because, deep down, I didn't know how to live anymore.

And, that's where I struggled. I started to ask myself, "Why am I doing so much to empathize with this person if, chances are, they aren't going to reciprocate by taking a genuine interest in me? This feels like a waste of time."

So, I started to talk to God again. It was my way of coping because I knew I'd start to see myself as "crazy" if I got into the habit of talking to myself or to the wall. And, I brought up Lucio's message to me on empathy and how to do it. And, I remembered a verse that goes, "Treat thy neighbor as thyself."

The reason empathy wasn't working for me is because I wasn't treating myself well. The way I treat myself is harsh, difficult, and relentless. I feel like I had to become this way to climb out of my personal hell on my own after being where I was in life. So, I was never able to imagine myself treating anyone how I treat myself on a regular basis and that caused me to focus more on getting empathy back and less on giving real, genuine empathy.

Then, it hit me. I already knew the answer all along because I had already said it. I want to be for others what no one was for me.

It's not about loving my neighbor as myself now, but as myself when I was 16 and wanted someone to be there for me, wanted someone to understand my pain, and wanted someone to save me.

When I took that step back, my whole outlook on life and people changed.

The woman on the other end of the mock sales call went from being a "sales call" to a woman who is working toward her goals and scheduled this call seeking help. Seeking a way forward just as I was seeking a way forward to my own goal: making it out of my personal hell.

The cashier who was only a "cashier" that might make good small talk suddenly became a young adult looking for someone to start an engaging conversation with them because they're going through their own pain that life throws...the same way I wanted someone to talk to me when I was working as a cashier and wanted a sign that someone actually cared about me.

Every interaction suddenly became an opportunity to be for myself and others what no one was for me. To be for myself the parent I needed by pushing myself into somewhat uncomfortable situations that build character (such as a random conversation with a total stranger). And, to be for others the friend they haven't met yet just like I wanted a friend to be there for me, stand by my side, and help me find a reason to live again.

I'm still working on this mindset of empathy, but I think I get it now. It wasn't only about "understanding". That only left me thinking, "OK, I get their situation. So, what?" It's about what I can do for others through understanding. "OK, it sounds like this person...I bet they could use a laugh, or good conversation, or good advice in the form of information, etc."

Because, the last thing I want is for anyone to ever have to experience what I went through. To feel the pain that I felt. And, it was always when it was clearly obvious that someone was experiencing pain similar to mine that I would go out of my way to reach out, empathize, and do everything I could to help. At that point, I didn't need an incentive to help them because I had lived their pain already. And, I knew that I would have wanted someone to do that for me when I was in that pain.

Yet, I'm now faced with an opportunity to seek out the less obvious ways that others are like me (that others are in pain). The less obvious points of common ground.

I think that this time, whenever I'm presented with a social interaction or an opportunity for one, I'm going to try asking myself, "Would 16-year-old me have wanted this?" And, if the answer is yes, to go do that.

P.S. If you guys have any notes on this journal entry, please feel free to share. I'm looking to learn and grown and empathy is something that's very important to me these days.