When a girl cancels on you: the "teasing technique"

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 27, 2020, 7:03 am

There are different schools of thought when it comes to women canceling dates.

To make matters simple, they can be grouped into the following:

1. Say it's OK: it supposedly shows you've got a rich life and you're outcome-independent
2. Get angry and berate her: it supposedly shows that your time is valuable and that you don't accept time-wasting and "disrespect"
3. Insist to meet up: instead of accepting or getting angry, you keep insisting (ideally, in a smooth and suave fashion)

Saying It's Ok

I tend to be more inclined towards the "no worries" option when a girl cancels a date.
But just saying "it's OK" is far from an optimal response.

Often it ends up being the equivalent of ending the relationship on a "nice enough" tone, and never meeting again.
It becomes the "what we tried to do, but didn't happen".

The problem is that, from a dating point of view, unless you can smoothly transition to a couple more texts or a good call, you end the date planning on a very bad note: with your plans falling through.
At that point, she might even back-rationalize that if it didn't happen, she didn't want it badly enough. Or that "it wasn't to be" -some women do date with that self-harming attitude-.

Getting Angry

Getting angry should only be used when you're really angry and you inconvenienced yourself for the date -which you shouldn't be usually doing, anyway-.

Sometimes you will get a big turnaround and great apology, which gives you power. At that point, you should scale back and accept, or it becomes a toxic relationship of a dominant master and a submissive woman afraid of doing something wrong and setting off the irascible guy -and you don't wanna be that guy-.

Many other times getting angry is just the last time you will ever make plans together and it only serves to vent -but venting for venting's sake sometimes does have some benefits-.

Insisting

Insisting is the go-to solution when it's a make or break deal.

If you are leaving the day after, or if she is leaving, for example.
It's also good with women who have a boyfriend, since the more time passes, the more likely they are to feel bad about meeting you -unless they're inveterate cheaters, that is-.

Insisting doesn't have a very high hit ratio, and it's the equivalent of what in Social Power I call "showdown escalations".
If you win it, you get great power and control. If you lose it, you're done.

So this is a high-risk, high-reward.
But the hit rate tends to be low.

The problem is that you are undertaking a showdown while it's already looking bleak: she's already told you she can't / doesn't feel like coming out.

I'm not a "risk taker", I'm a risk-optimizer. Risk optimizers maximize for effectiveness, so that's what I also recommend you to do if you care about maximizing your results. Only use this option when you have good reasons to think that you will either win the escalation, or that you will never see her again anyway.

Teasing, Then Dropping It

The teasing techniques is an in-between "accepting" and "insisting".

It insists... But just once (maximum twice).
And it does so with teasing, more than with pushing, which avoids potentially risky escalations.

Escalations turn the relationship into a win/lose where one party is going to lose.
The tease insists while preserving, or even enhancing, the relationship.

If she changes her mind, great, you're on.
If she seems unsure, you can decide to keep insisting then.

But if she seems deadset not to come out, you don't lose many points. If the tease was good -or just simply "passable"-, you actually gain points and naturally transition back towards the good mood you had before you established the date.
Getting back into that good state greatly increases the chances you will re-schedule again in the future.

Here is an example:

Right after that "I'm sorry" you want to do some quick chit-chat to quickly move away from it and rebalance the relationship.
Remember that from a power dynamics perspective "I'm sorry" is often a hidden power move that gives power to the apologizer.