Mate poaching, or wooing a girl with a boyfriend, is a universal, recognized evolutionary mating strategy (Buss, 2016; Hudek-Knezević et al., 2022) that has likely been going on since time immemorial in the human species.
Mate poachers tend to be less empathetic and conscientious, and higher in dark triad traits, especially psychopathy (Wade and Fisher, 2022).
In this article, we will review the strategies and tactics that dark triads use to get a girl with a boyfriend.
TPM Note: This article is descriptive, not prescriptive. Use cautiously
While some of these strategies and tactics can be fair and even win-win, their effectiveness and ethics depend on context. This information is also invaluable for self-defense: to secure your relationship, and to recognize when someone is trying to poach you.
Contents
1. Stir Doubts
For example:
Does it bother you he’s younger?
Was it an issue for you, that you’ve got a master and he doesn’t?
In some relationships it can be an issue he’s making less money. How is it for you…
As soon as they hit the issue, mate poachers stop the questions or they’ll arouse suspicions.
If she starts complaining, poachers listen to thread-expand the issue.
Otherwise, they focus on behaving with confidence and power.
1.2. Consider A Bold Lover Move
Poachers say relationships for them are about growing together, sharing adventures, mutual support, and traveling to faraway lands… They make it sound amazing and hardly comparable to their reality.
Then they go suddenly deep and ask point-blank:
Have you ever been deeply, passionately in love?
Most women will balk at the love question, which plants the seeds of relationship doubt.
Poachers want her to think “no I haven’t” or even better.. “no I’m not”.
Of course, exceptions apply.
If her boyfriend is a thrill seeker and she wants more stability, then poachers are the stable guy.
When She Complains About Boyfriends
If she complains about her woes, all the better.
Gottman, a famed relationship researcher, says friendships turn into affairs when she complains about her relationship.
Machiavellian mate poachers show interest, but without acting in love or chasing too hard. They say they’re sorry, but without being too affected.
This approach maintains power and frames them as a high-mate value options.
If she’s getting emotional about her boyfriend, poachers get a bit closer to her, but never white knight her with “poor you”. Poachers avoid saying they would treat her better at this early stage to avoid coming across as chase-y.
Experienced poachers may add light physical closeness, like a hand on her back, or a slight rubbing of her upper arm, but without overdoing it. They want her to come to them.
Overall poachers make their presence felt by staying calm and collected, a rock in the storm of life.
2. Fuel Her Discontent
Whatever she complains about, poachers expand on it.
But they don’t just agree with her. That’s weak. poachers let her flesh it out instead of asking questions and listening.
The more she expands on the negatives of her boyfriend and realationship, the more fertile the ground becomes for poaching.
Poachers contribute their own if they can add good insights.
If they cannot, poachers may describe her situation with generalizations that apply to almost anyone.
For example, poachers may tell her that people stay “stuck” because changing is scary. They are planting the seeds for her to be brave and consider a better relationship.
He ‘paces her reality’ of a dull relationship to make her agree with it. This tactic ‘thread expands‘ the weakness of her relationship
Soon after, poachers will start setting themselves up as the man with better alternatives.
3. Covertly Undermine Her Boyfriend
For example:
- 🗨️ Yeah, it’s great you to take care of yourself. Does he also go to the gym? <— If he’s a couch potato
- 🗨️ Rock on, keep it up like that and I’m telling you: you’re going places <— Boost her self-esteem to make her realize she deserves better
- 🗨️ So, in what exotic place is he taking you for holiday <— If he’s not taking her anywhere
This is even a recognized approach in the research literature, called ‘competitor derogation’.
And if done well, it works.
And to do it well, poachers do it COVERTLY.
If they’re too obvious they signal petty jealousy. It makes her the prize and them the lower-value chaser.
Example:
Him: I can’t believe this is your boyfriend <— Too obvious: petty and aggressive
4. Position Yourself As The Better Replacement
For example:
- Is he poor? ➡️ They throw some money around
- Is he overweight? ➡️ They talk up how much they value staying fit
- Is he boring? ➡️ They are exciting
Also this tactic is supported by research and experience:
Me: Freedom is good <— 📣🟰 I don’t need a girlfriend because I’m a high-value man who can get women whenever he wants
In this example, he went for a lover approach.
If mate poachers want to be her new boyfriend, they can also play up more
5. Be A COOL Friend: Don’t Chase
Machiavellian mate poachers never chase, but even less so when they want to get girls with a boyfriend.
When poachers chase and compete, most of the time they lose. She’s got a history with her boyfriend and she’s still sleeping with him.
While there they are, expanding efforts to woo her without anything in return.
Of course, the boyfriend looks better off.
Poachers stay distant and aloof for a while before going for an actual invite.
Most of all, they avoid being the overly-interested, overly-available friend.
Low-value friends never get a girl with a boyfriend.
But both research and experience converge to suggest that women consider high-value friends for switching.
6. Pull Back When She’s Falling For You
IF poachers have leverage, then they quit reaching out, and let her come to them.
Poachers use this technique after they had a great time (and may made a move that she rejected it for being taken).
What do poachers do then? They disappear!
She told them they could be friends, and experienced poachers knew she is into them.
But they told her it wouldn’t work.
They explained that “yeah, we could be friends”, but their way of being friends.
Such as that if they saw her again, they would do exactly what they had just done (ie.: escalate towards intimacy).
She complained and got emotional.
Exactly what the poacher wanted. And he stayed firm but calm:
No, you can of course refuse at any time, but if we meet again, I’ll do exactly the same.
The poacher could see she was horny and could have probably made it happen with a bolder push, but didn’t want to cause trouble.
But one month later:
Her: My marriage sucks and want to celebrate. How about you? <— Effective poachers become option #1
Yes, disappearing is higher risk and they must be ready to walk away for good.
But as Casanova said, love is not a place for risk-avoiders.
7. But Show That You Value Her
It might sound contradictory to show interest without chasing.
But there is a difference between being smitten and appreciating someone.
Being smitten is lower value, while appreciating is high-power chooser (‘the judge‘).
Showing some interest is OK, but without ever overdoing it.
Poachers walk that line.
Because if, on the other hand, they never show signs of interest, she’ll never really consider them.
In this example, they were giving her the chance to open up, which shows a bit of interest from their side, and were moving toward a possible date.
He didn’t pull the trigger on the date and delivered two dismissive statements to make her invest more.
They wanted something more from her (and wasn’t aching to go to some pretentious cafe’ with sexually confused metrosexuals).
IF they’re in a similar situation though, poachaers may do things such as:
- Check online reviews of that place
- Comment on “what you heard from friends about it”
- Vibe back with her
- Invite her there if she doesn’t do so herself
Notice what’s point 2?
Why isn’t she going there with her boyfriend?
It’s possibly because he’s not the kind of guy to explore new places. Or not the artistic kind of guy.
That’s their occasion to show the opposite face.
8. Concoct “Destiny” Meetings
Many women believe in destiny.
So… Effective mate poachers give them destiny.
Spontaneous and chance meetings work because they’re not chasing after a date.
But of course, it’s the appearance of destiny.
Poachers may also simply hang in shared social spaces, projecting a social and high-value image that boosts their preselection. Girls do notice.
9. Prepare Your Move
These strategies can be effective to get committed women to even chase the poacher.
She will develop feelings for them and things may naturally lead to intimacy.
However, Machiavellian poachers have a whole process to boost the odds with well-oiled seduction processes.
For example, they have:
- Seductive environments in their home
- Romantic playlist to set the mood
Poaching Main Strategies
There are three main strategies for sleeping with a girl with a boyfriend:
- Close friend who slowly takes over
- Acquaintance who times his move
- Attractive hookup guy, often related to partying or nights out
This article mostly discussed 1 and 2 here.
#3 is often harder to plan, and mate poachers may sleep with taken women without ever even knowing it.
However, even the short-term ‘f*ckboy approach‘ requires some strategy.
If poachers started from a cold approach or as an attractive stranger, they must move quickly.
If things won’t happen fast, chances are they never will.
One committed the mistake of letting sexual tension dissipate without consuming their passion, and they never got together:
Poaching
Pursuing girls in a relationship is an area fraught with moral implications, intense emotions, and grave consequences.
It’s important to think about it carefully to avoid causing harm, or even putting oneself at risk. Violence from a protective boyfriend is always a real risk.
Poaching Self-Protection: Strengthening Your Mind
Loyalty is an important value and it’s always better to find loyal women who believe in loyalty as a virtue.
However, it’s always best for a man not to rely on loyalty alone. Instead, the focus must be on making the relationship a win for her, and cheating a loss.
This video shares the foundational mindset shift:
Lucio: Only weak men crave loyalty. Strong men are offered loyalty
🙋🏼♂️ Poaching Failure: A Personal Story
I believe in living an honorable life, seeking to add value instead of making the world worse off.
And while I was laughing looking for old messages for this article… I laughed no more when I stumbled on my worst case of taking a married woman.
She had a husband. A husband whom she divorced a little after we met.
Then the two of us got into a relationship… For a while.
For me, it was one of the best “serious” relationships I’ve ever had.
But she was looking for a much longer term and my version of “serious” and “long term” wasn’t nearly “serious” or long enough for her. And it turned out to be her biggest heartbreak.
Her last email told me in no uncertain terms how she felt after our “great” relationship:
Her: I feel so devastated, empty
I still have pangs of guilt.
This remains the biggest, most shameful stain of my dating life.
And the fact that she’s now back with her ex-husband -the same she divorced partially because of me- makes me think that things weren’t nearly as bad between them.
As one can see, seducing women who have a boyfriend is an emotionally dangerous game.
And I don’t want my material here to be used for evil purposes, which increase the pain in this world.
So I advise to use these strategies in the following two scenarios:
- You seek a long-term relationship (doesn’t mean you guarantee success of course)
- It’s clear to all you’re just a short-term fling
If doubts persist, it’s on the poacher to clarify them.
Poached partners make for bad relationships
Evidence shows that relationships that start with poaching and infidelity are lower-quality relationships.
Quoting from The Oxford Handbook of Psychology:
individuals who had been poached by existing partners tended to have poorer-quality relationships, including less satisfaction, commitment, and investment.
Poached individuals also reported being more attentive to alternative partners, perceiving their alternatives to be of higher quality, and engaged in more infidelity relative to nonpoached individuals (Foster et al., 2014).
Meaning: mate poachers pass the “girl with a boyfriend” if they’re looking for a relationship.
Of course, this is on average.
And in truth, they could be the exception…
Poaching FAQs
Is it okay to pursue a woman who has a boyfriend?
Generally, it is considered a morally grey area to pursue a woman who has a boyfriend, and especially so if the boyfriend is an acquaintance or, worse yet, a friend. If the boyfriend is a friend, it’s also highly disrespectful and widely considered as breaking the unwritten “male code of honor”.
Is it always wrong to pursue a woman with a boyfriend?
It’s not always wrong to pursue a woman with a boyfriend as it depends on the situation. If she is in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship, then providing a better alternative can be a win for her. If she is not in a fulfilling relationship and she prefers you, then her choice and preference also matter. And if you can provide a better life and relationship, then one could argue that it’s fair for people to choose what’s best for them.
Should I tell her how I feel if she has a boyfriend?
Generally, it’s not a good idea to share your interest or love for a girl in a relationship if she hasn’t first shown any signs of interest in you. It puts her in an awkward situation, it makes things weird socially between you, her, and her boyfriend, and it also lowers your value if she isn’t reciprocating. It’s only OK to share your feelings if you’re fairly sure she reciprocates. But even then, men who understand dating and power dynamics usually rely more on subcommunication and building tension rather than verbal confessions.
Learn More
- Keep her happy in the relationship
- Become a top 1% man who never has to chase after taken women
