Many of us will face challenges in life.

We will face losses, rejections, heartbreaks, pain, and failure.
Some of them can bring us to our knees.

This post is here to tell you that not only can you recover, but that those dark days can become the foundation of your future, upgraded self.

This article shows you how.

Avoid Victim Stance

Bullying, rejection, failure… These can be defining moments in our lives.

In the beginning, it’s OK to sit with the pain and process it. Avoiding this part can create unresolved issues and coping mechanisms.

We don’t deal with therapy here, we deal with power, personal power, and achievement.
And from that point, do this:

1. Don’t Pretend ‘It’s OK’

Most people pretend nothing hurtful happened.
Instead of dealing with their lack of assertiveness and power, they pretend they are OK with their state of subjugation and submissiveness.

Example:

• The “friend” is making fun of you. He always cracks jokes about you and all the group laughs. And you laugh along
• Your boss coaxes you into overtime with a pat on the back and a fake compliment that ‘the team would be nothing without you’

You smile in both cases and accept.
Except, you really didn’t feel like laughing at all.

Don’t pretend you’re OK with it.
You’re not.

Recognize and accept that you got shitty friends and a terrible boss.
They’re not the end of the world, and there is no need to pretend otherwise.

2. Don’t Complain Privately & Do Nothing

This is another common response for most people.
They complain to themselves or to someone close… And do nothing.

Example: 

• The boss disrespects you in front of colleagues. But instead of standing up to your boss, you prefer complaining to your colleagues.

“He’s an asshole“, you say. But private complaints with zero action make you look even more powerless.
You can complain privately only if it’s part of a strategy to undermine or foment a rebellion.

3. Don’t Make Excuses For Them

Here are some examples of making excuses for others:

• He was just stressed out (justifying disrespect)
• He is weak, that’s why he bullies you (psychologizing-justifying)
• They were just joking, didn’t mean to offend (pretending they’re friends)

The fact that he might have his own problems doesn’t mean he must create problems for you.
And the idea that bullies have low self-esteem is not true, it’s a pop-psychology myth (Baumeister, 1997).

Turn Pain Into Anger & Fuel

Every painful event becomes fuel, a ‘dark capital’ that you can use as propellant.

Some examples of ‘dark fuel’:

• Rejection when you were desperate for a yes
• Heartbreak when you didn’t expect it, maybe being cheated
• Bullying, either physically or verbally. Being the butt of the jokes also qualifies
• Feeling inadequate

Or it can be deeper and darker.

An abusive parent, like your father telling you that you’d never amount to anything in life.

Most people try to hide these painful events, pretending it never happened, or trying to forgive and forget.
Instead, we propose to use it for motivation.

Start like this:

1. Accept It Happened, And That It Sucked

Acceptance prevents it from staying in your subconscious and wreaking havoc in your life. It’s the first step to healing. And it’s also the first step to using it as motivation.

2. Turn It Into A Catalyst For Positive Change

Some people turn destructive, antisocial (toxic externalizing) or destructively inward with drugs and depression (internalizing).

But some of the most ambitious overachievers used their most painful experiences as a catalyst for positive change and hard work.
For example:

• Tony Robbin‘s mother poured glue into his mouth
• Oprah was abused during childhood
• David Goggins‘ father beat him mercilessly

The question is, are you going to let your pain devour you or are you going to channel it positively?
It’s OK to be down, depressed, or take time off. But then, eventually… Are you going to rise up?
Remember, the night is always darkest before the sun rises.

It is always darkest just before dawn

3. Turn It Into Positive, Controlled Anger

Anger can be destructive when it’s too much, and in bursts.

But controlled and within an optimum balance, it can be the fuel behind your hard work.

Star trainer Tim Grover for example says that anger gets you in the zone.
It’s anger simmering beneath your skin, barely about to burst, but you keep it under control for laser focus and peak performance.

4. Tap Into The Pain Whenever You Need A Boost

And whenever you’re depleted, tap into it:

• Thank you, Dad, for telling me I’d never amount to anything, this last set is for you
• Your ex dumped for a richer guy. These last 10 approaches are to show her you can get better

Remember: smooth sailing rarely carried anyone to greatness. But men are born and characters are forged in your darkest hours.

It’s in your darkest hours that men are born and characters are forged.
-Lucio Buffalmano

5. Move Past Darkness

Dark fuel is powerful, but it also pollutes heavily. And over time it can pollute your mind and health.

And it can also cost you in honor and empathy.
As Nietzsche said:

Whoever fights monsters shall see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.

Eventually, you want to move to more positive motivation, such as:

• Identity-driven motivation, you do it because that’s who you are (see ‘antifragile ego‘)
• Value-adding motivation, to have a positive impact and legacy
• Life-quality motivation, for yourself and the people around you. This approach is especially suited if you want a family

🙋‍♂️Lucio’s Take: My drive went from anger to identity and value-adding

Lucio:
I started TPM with more anger as fuel.

With time, anger played a smaller and smaller role. I still use it, but my main drive today comes from identity (‘this is whoI am and what I do’), responsibility to TPM’s mission (‘creating the best in-class, ever-lasting repository for men’s empowerment), and responsibility towards humanity (‘adding my little brick to help humanity forward’).

The goal is to harness pain and anger, use them, so they can help you fly farther and higher.

And that’s the ultimate human conquest: harnessing the dark so that you can create more light.
For yourself, and for the world.

Harnessing the dark, so that you can create more light

Bonus: Later On, Be Compassionate to Your Suffering

This approach is the ‘warrior phase’, and it’s important to get your life moving in the right direction.
However, it may leave some emotional wounds open.

Eventually, you may want to revisit your wounds with more compassion, and potentially with a therapeutic approach.
Not to wallow in the pain, but to fully heal it. You want to avoid looking at your past emotional pains and think you’re weak for having them. You’re not weak, you’re human. Instead, extend love to yourself, including the one who suffered. Self-love is the foundation of self-esteem and mental health.

The peak of self-development is to combine compassionate self-love with the warrior approach to life.