In Relentless (2013), star athlete trainer Tim Grover shares the insights he gained into the psychology and personality of hyper-achievers.

Takeaways

• Elite performers are driven by their dark side: get in touch with it rather than hide it 
• Push your own buttons to enter the Zone. Use simmering anger to drive your performance
• Reach mastery and then trust your instincts 
• Forget about the competition, focus on your own high standards. Make them sweat to compete with you

Notes

Tim Grover talks about the mentality of the very top performers, the unstoppable ones whom he defines as “Cleaners”.

Cleaners are the top of the top, “Closers” are great performers, and “Coolers” are very good performers. The difference is mostly a mindset.

Let’s see:

Forget About Others, Make Them Compete With You

Proving yourself over and over: you want it for yourself, not for anyone

Tim Grover starts with a powerful one-two when he says:

from now on your strategy is to make everyone else get on your level.

You’re not competing with anyone else, they will have to compete with you.
Also read our case study on how this applies to dating:

• Winners’ mindsets: winning at dating

Lucio: He didn’t even look at me. And I didn’t look at him. Winners ignore the competition

Focus on winning… Endlessly

And if you’re into that wishy-washy “failing is ok” line of thinking, Tim Grover is not.
He says “the end result is all that matters”.

Relentless is about never being content, about driving to be the best and then getting yet again to a whole new level, even if that level doesn’t exist yet.

And worry not if you feel out of sorts at times.
You can always retreat to that secret place of yours where you’re always in total control.
A place where there is no external pressure. Just you and your internal pressure to prove yourself, over and over.

Because you want it for yourself, not for anyone else.

Never be satisfied; always want more

Tim Grover says Relentless means you’re never satisfied and you create new higher goals as soon as you reach your personal best.

If you’re good you don’t stop until you’re great, and when you’re great, you don’t stop until you’re unstoppable.
That inner pressure removes external pressure: cleaners put so much pressure on themselves that anything external barely registers.

A Cleaner is not about stardom and bling; it’s about winning and winning again and again.
The Cleaner is addicted to success and is driven to do whatever it takes to win. And if that means breaking the rules, be it, because Cleaners are also rule-breakers when they need to.

The author says the Cleaner’s attitude is that you own it and control it.
It’s not about the actual job you do, it’s about the attitude.

Whatever you do, you take responsibility to make things happen because you always put yourself in the position to carry the load for everyone else.

I loved the example Tim Grover has about the Cleaner’s bus driver who knows all the passengers and their schedule, is friendly and smiling but silently thinks “this is my fu**ing bus; it will be clean and on time, and anyone who messes with me or my bus will be back on the street walking”.

Cleaners are calm and collected, never too high or too low, and never too happy or depressed.
A Cleaner doesn’t see problems but situations to be resolved and when he knows the solution he doesn’t explain it, but simply says “I got this”.

Failure is not an option for Cleaners: even if succeeding will take years he will find a way and will not stop until he succeeds.

Sounds great?

Well, being a Cleaner also has a dark side, Tim Grover says.

TPM Note: Grover is talking about extreme ambition with a made-up name
While the description is interesting, to fully understand these concepts, it’s best to apply the correct terminology. Grover is describing high ambition and drive

Use your dark side

It’s that dark side that drives their dominance, and it can be a fire to prove greatness, sexual energy, or even insecurity. It’s different for everyone, but it’s deep inside where no one else can see it.

The dark side is that part of you refusing to be ordinary, that part that stays raw and untamed. It’s that part you keep in the dark, craving things you don’t talk about.

Cleaners also never stop working because it gives them too much time to ponder their dark side and what they had to endure and give up to get to where they are.

A Cleaner is also consumed by his addiction, which takes center stage above all else in his life.
And that’s a conundrum for the Cleaner: he is all about control, so when the addiction is controlling him he’ll back off for a while. And then often come back with a renewed appetite.

Cleaners get what they want but pay for it by being alone and rarely understood.

TPM Note: That ‘dark drive’ sometimes is hyper-competitiveness, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, or perfectionism

Cleaners control their dark side

But a Cleaner doesn’t give in to these urges -that would be weakness-, he controls them.

When tales from the dark side become public, everyone usually sits in judgment and thinks, “He couldn’t control himself. Weak.”

But it’s Cleaners saying that.

Understand this: a Cleaner doesn’t want to give up the thing you disapprove of. For him, it’s a strength, his choice.
Weakness would mean giving up what he craved because he was afraid of getting caught.

Cleaners often go to a place they call home to detach from the dark side. It’s the built-in safety valve. And that’s why so many men fight to stay in their marriages: that’s their safe sanctuary.

The mind forms the foundation of your power

Tim Grover says the mind comes first. First, you train your mind, then your body will follow.

He also says that being feared and respected is not so much for your physical abilities but for your mental ones.

Every single day you gotta put in the work and push past your fears and laziness and learn to be comfortable doing the uncomfortable.
Cleaners do the hardest thing first and they always focus on the destination, not on the hardship to get there.

How do you do that?
You gotta crave the result so intensely that all that stands in between is just a means to an end.

The dark side also relates to the mind, of course.
A Cleaner, inside, never forgives and never, ever, forgets.

We agree with the mind forming the true foundations, and we star our own trainig program with an empowered mind first.
See:

• Foundations of self-empowerment

Get into the zone (and control the uncontrollable)

Tim Grover says that in the zone you don’t hear anything.

Your only emotion is anger.
But it’s never bursting out, it’s quiet anger, simmering under your skin like a stealth predator waiting in ambush.
The zone is deeply calm, but not peaceful: it’s intense focus.

Tim Grover says he can’t stand athletes saying they switch on when they’re under the spotlight because when you’re in the zone you shouldn’t even notice the spotlights -or need them, for that matter-.

In the zone your only emotion is anger.

How to find the zone

The author says we all have triggers for it and it’s different for everyone. However, the key is that it always comes from your dark zone.

Start with your past performance first: have you ever been in the zone?

What have you done to get there?
Or maybe you can think about your past, about a wound you still have open.
Or about someone screaming at you, or scathingly criticizing you.

Tim Grover says for some it can be questioning their manhood or ability and for some, it’s a physical confrontation.

Sometimes to reconnect his athletes with their instincts, Tim Grover would play old music to bring back childhood memories, taking them back to who they used to be before there was any pressure to be different.

And when he gets it right, the heart rate drops a few beats instantly, and there’s always a smile.
Then he knows it’s working.

Stay Un-emotional

A Cleaner doesn’t get emotional but stays cool and calm, saving all his energy for when it matters.
The only exception to showing emotions is if it will help him win, not because he lost control.

Tim Grover says that before game time he doesn’t want to see players screaming and dancing and building each other up emotionally: it’s a flash in the pan and if you start too hot you can only turn cold.

He takes Michael Jordan demeanor as an example and how he’d avoid any physical contact.
Just a fist bump or a subtle high five, very subdued and never making eye contact.

Grover is quite firm in outlining that emotions make you weak.
The fastest way not to get into the zone is to let emotions drive your actions. The only notable being exception is anger -the anger you can control and channel-.

TPM Note: Grover may be talking about psychopathy factor 1
The goal-focus with little emotion sounds like sub-clinical levels of psychopathy factor 1.

Drop All Inhibitions

Cleaners in the zone transform into their Mr. Hyde alter ego, dropping all external and internal inhibitions to embrace their dark side and who they really are.
And that’s where the ability to perform instinctively comes from.

My Note: use your insecurity
Most self-help talks about removing your insecurities. But I agree with Gover, it’s been my experience in life that some of the most driven people I have seen were, beyond their rougher external shells, deeply insecure and sometimes troubled individuals.

Trust Yourself (By Reaching Elite Levels)

You must trust yourself.
And of course, a big part of trusting yourself comes from hard, constant work.

Grover says you’ll reach a point when your body and mind reflexively know what to do all the time and then you can let your instincts take over. Then you can trust yourself to dominate any situation.
Then you can stop studying the competition and make the competition study you.

TPM Note: This is basic self-esteem + competence, rebranded by Tim Grover
Trusting yourself means having the foundational mental power of self-esteem and self-confidence. Some dark triad traits like grandiosity can also boost self-trust.

Read more:

• The power of competence, and how to become competent

Thrive On Pressure: It Keeps You Alive

Many are afraid of taking the last-second shot because they might miss it, but because they might make it, and then the expectation is they’ll have to keep making it.

Cleaners instead crave that pressure because it keeps them on their toes. They don’t want to relax. Relaxing for a Cleaner is what weaker people do.

And now the funny part: put a Cleaner in a situation where they’re supposed to relax, like a vacation he didn’t want to take or a day off without working out, and he will become more stressed thinking about how he’s slacking.

Controlling fear and nervousness

Tim Grover says that Cleaners also get nervous.
Michael Jordan admitted he had butterflies before big games, to which Grover would reply to get them going in the same direction. Butterflies are not going away, but your task is to use them to make you better.

Energy instead of emotions.
Big difference.

A Cleaner thinks “if I’m feeling nervous, how the f**k are they feeling? They have to deal with me

Get a routine!

Tim Grover also suggests another great way to deal with fear and butterflies: a routine.

You practice the routine before your performances and it should not vary, whether it’s a meaningless friendly game or a final.

Empty your mind before your key moment

Ideally, if you’re truly in the zone, you think of nothing: it’s just you and the task as if you were alone in the world.
Or he suggests you tell yourself “it’s just a shot, not the end of the world either way”.
Alternatively, if you have to go somewhere in your head, he suggests going somewhere positive, like your kids or anything relaxing and happy.

Cleaners, Closers & Coolers

The author says a Closer can handle pressure, and he’ll get the job done if you tell him what he needs to do.

He will prepare and study all possible scenarios so he can anticipate them. Indeed, a Closer is uncomfortable with unexpected events he didn’t prepare for, and of what others are thinking of him.

Coolers instead wait for the instructions, wait to see what all the others are doing, and then follow the leader. He doesn’t take sides unless he has to and when things get too intense he kicks the problem over to someone else.
Here’s the difference:

Consistency:

• Coolers can have an amazing game.
• Closers can have an amazing season.
• Cleaners have amazing careers.

Competition:

• Coolers worry about the competition and how they measure up.
• Closers study the competition and plan their attack based on the opponent.
• Cleaners make the competition study them; they don’t care whom they’re facing, they know they can handle anyone.

Internal contentment:

• Coolers let others decide whether they’re successful; they do the job and wait to see if you approve.
• Closers feel successful when they get the job done.
• Cleaners never feel as if they’ve achieved success because there’s always more to do. External approval means nothing to a Cleaner because he only heeds his own standards, which are far above anything anyone can possibly set for him.

Celebration:

• Coolers and Closers love a celebration.
• Cleaners don’t celebrate Even in victory, the Cleaner will think about how he could have done it better, smarter, or in any different way than he actually did. And that’s the difference between great and unstoppable: the drive to close the gap between “almost perfect” and “perfect”.

Mistakes:

• Coolers will give you excuses
• Closers will blame someone else.
• Cleaners have no problem admitting they made a mistake and taking the blame. He will look at you and say, “I fu**ed up”

TPM Note: This sounds like it has more to do with honor

Getting back to cleaner level: regain your dark side

Grover says it usually happens when the dark side of the Cleaner’s life has been somehow rocked, for example by becoming public through a scandal.

And how do you get back in the zone from there?

Either something catastrophic happens to rebuild the dark side, or you are unapologetic about what happened (Tim Grover says he wished Tiger Woods hadn’t apologized for his scandal).

You’d Rather Be Feared Than Liked 

A Cooler is liked, a Closer is respected and a Cleaner is feared.

You don’t need to fit in, it’s better to stand out. You’re not there to make friends, you’re there to be the best, and you’re not afraid to show it.

Cleaners view people as tools and are careful in putting them in the right position, which is the position that will allow them to win. Once they have a great team in place, they stay committed to it.

Don’t get it wrong though, Grover warns, being feared doesn’t mean being an asshole, it means people are in awe of what you do and how you do it.

Cleaners Are High Dominance

A Cleaner just says no. He doesn’t sugarcoat it, doesn’t make excuses, and doesn’t offer explanations afterward. Explanations are a way of saying you’re insecure and you’re trying to defend your choice.

How to be respected by a Cleaner

Cleaners are not perfect; sometimes they make mistakes too. If you want to be valuable in his circle, be the guy who looks him straight in the eyes and tells him what all others are afraid to say.
He might hate it and even hate you for saying it, but he will respect you and trust you.

Also read:

• How to gain respect: a field guide

Cleaner Example: The Godfather

Tim Grover draws parallels between his definition of a Cleaner and the Ultimate Cleaner, which is… Can you guess? The Godfather.

Like The Godfather, Cleaners keep it quiet and intimidate their opponent by not saying a word.

When people make big shows of what and how they’re going to do, they are actually trying to convince themselves. But the loudest guy in the room is the one with the most to prove.

Here’s a full article on the “quiet dominance style of the Godfather”.

Trust Few People. And They Better Not Let You Down

Cleaners always trust themselves the most. They do have a small circle of people they trust and believe in, and those better not let them down.

CRITICISM

Contradictory and confusing at times

The dark side is insecurity; then you don’t care if it shows because ‘that’s who you truly are’, and then if it becomes public, you actually lose it and become ‘tame’?

Similar for stress, the ‘cleaner’ stays in the zone without emotions, but then he gets fear and anxiety ‘like everyone else’ and Tim recommends them to ‘run towards stress’?

That doesn’t add up logically.

It sounds like a horoscope sounds: it convinces many because they like to see themselves in the description. But look deeper into it, and you realize it’s a list of random traits that could apply to anyone.

Kobe Bryant was obsessed by Jordan (the ‘competition’)

While Grover’s ‘cleaner’ never looks at the competition, his own major example of a ‘cleaner’, Kobe Bryant, was obsessed by being bigger than Michael Jordan.

Poor predictive power for these ‘categories’

In the book, Tim Grover says LeBron is not a Cleaner because he gives in to external pressure.

Then LeBron shatters the narrative that he ‘caves in’ and Grover changes his assessment.
This is not a criticism of Tim Grover; it’s very difficult to predict the future. However it does suggest that these categories that he made up aren’t very ‘sticky,’ at least, and probably not highly predictive of future behavior and/or results.

Survivorship & Genetic Bias

Grover built his framework around extreme genetic and athletic outliers (Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant). Attributing their success purely to “dark-side drive” ignores base rates and physical talent.

All his explanations are also all built with the benefits of the insight. He may have not written the same when Jordan struggled for 7 years before his first championship, for example.

Made-up Categories Instead of Reliable Psychological Constructs

While Relentless provides a fantastic practitioner look into the minds of some of the most ambitious elite players, it also exchanges known psychological constructs with made-up names.

For example, many of the cleaners’ mindsets overlap with dark triad traits, ambition, and a positive drive to dominance (‘power hunger’). In some cases, even Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) that allows for hyperfocus (as it also seems to be with Michael Phelps, for example).

This is an important drawback because instead of adding clarity and help learners develop good mental models, it can confuse them further.

Review

Relentless offers an amazing practitioner’s take into the psychology of elite performers.

I suspect Tim Grover knows how it works so well because he himself sounds like a cleaner. And I could also recognize myself in many of these traits and tendencies.

In our training programs we take these same insights but back them up with stronger scientific evidence to help ambitious men achieve goals.
See: