Neil Strauss, AKA ‘PUA Style’, writes in “The Game” that two years in a row he was the “best pick-up artist in the world”.

Of course, that didn’t say much about his abilities.

The title was awarded on an Internet forum which was likely populated by people who weren’t very socially skilled.

This post analyzed the power dynamics of Neil Strauss’ appearance on the show “The View”.

Intro

Neil Strauss was dominated on The View.

He handled it smoothly, very smoothly. But he used ignoring in place of assertiveness.
It’s not completelywrong, but he let the host disrespect him while he kept smiling. And that’s not very powerful or masculine.

The short of it is that the host -Star Jones, the de facto “head bit** there- aggress and Neil Strauss evades.

Neil’s strategy is to avoid confrontation, try to isolate Star and charm the rest of the group.
“Be like water” Bruce Lee would have said, very typical of the Charmer types as described by Robert Greene in The Art of Seduction.

Neil does rather well in charming the group and is relatively successful in isolating Star but at the very heavy price of being socially gored by her dominant, vindictive barbs.

Let’s see then some great strategies Neil Strauss could have used to deal with the aggressive woman:

1. Nip It in The Bud: Set The Precedent

Get Into Fight Stance to Avoid Fighting 

The beginning of social interactions sets the tone for what is about to come, and it is particularly true with an aggressive opponent.

Imagine that beginning as him sniffing you out and testing your mettle.

He will try to make an offhand remark, or maybe force the upper hand in the handshake.
And if you let it slip without doing anything about it the aggressor will feel he’s just been green-lighted to tooling you.

Neil Strauss Is Too Submissive

Neil is too submissive at the beginning and sets a bad precedent.

Star shows the first aggressive sign with a disparaging remark (yeah right): only supremely confident individuals belittle so openly.

She then uses a thumb display, speaks loudly over the hand-clapping, and with a reproaching tone turns to Neil putting her elbow on the desk.
These are all nonverbal power moves as if to say “what the fu** is that all about, explain!”

Neil’s movements are smooth in his reply, but no good execution will change the fact that the whole cluster -including his verbals- are submissive.

Here’s what he could have done to show he’s no pushover instead:

• Touch Her: Touching first is a sign of dominance and confidence.
  He could have smiled -not laughed- at her initial joke while lightly placing a hand on her back or upper arm. Touching is a simple, not aggressive way of showing confidence and dominance.
• Imply She’s Dumb: Instead of saying “I’ll explain” he could have smiled and said “Nice intro. It’s not exactly like that, lemme clear that up“. This implies Star got it all wrong with her generalization and sets him as the authority with the straight facts.

The Theory of Aggression

Before we dig deeper into the practical techniques it’s great to understand the theory behind aggressive interactions and the escalation they often follow.

• 1. You’re Dumbstruck and do Nothing
  For most people, and especially if you are a non-aggressive person, the moment you are first aggressed will leave you at a loss for words. Most people in this situation withdraw within themselves and move on pretending nothing happened.
• 2. The Aggressor is Emboldened
  Seeing the victim has no answer to their antics emboldens the aggressor and often leads to more aggression. This is why you need to push back right on.

If it’s in a romantic relationship, this can often be the woman actually, and her aim is not usually to hurt you, but a misguided attempt to get you emotionally involved when she feels you are withdrawing.

Outside of a romantic relationship, the aim is usually to hurt you, make you look bad, or dominate you for their own gain.

• 3. Aggression Repeats
  In either scenario, you will often find yourself in a situation where your boundaries are continually encroached upon. You can feel victimized and lost, but since the precedents have been set, you can feel like it’s too late to do something. So the victim hopes the aggressor will not exaggerate, that he will show some restraint, and that it will soon be over. But it rarely stops by itself.
• 4. The Victim’s Psychology
  Some victims often defend their aggressor to cover up their inability to stand up. They will say “oh it was nothing“. What they are really trying to say though is “no, their behavior is OK, it’s not me who can’t do anything about it“. When brought to extreme cases, people can even develop real feelings for their harassers (captor bonding syndrome).
• 5. Aggression Escalates
  The next step is usually much bigger aggression. It can sometimes happen because the victim tried to undermine the aggressor with passive aggression or simply because he’s emboldened by successful previous aggressions. While the smaller harassment might have seemed justifiable, the big one is more humiliating and harder to ignore.

For example, your boss was raising your voice in private, but now he just berated you in front of everyone (how to deal with yelling bosses).

In Neil Strauss’ case, the first major instance of escalation was when Star Jones shouted orders while pouncing the table with her hand:

2. Respond in Kind

Fight Fire with Fire

Responding in kind, in this case, would have meant this:

“How would you feel if I did this to you lady? Probably bad because it’s very rude and disrespectful, right?”

Chances are she would have been dumbfounded and, put on the spot, backtracked with an apology.
And if she kept up with her offensive antics she’d be playing into your hand: you are painting her as the ill-mannered one and she’s just proving it to everyone.

Keep cool and repeat she’s very rude as she shames herself by raising her tone (repeat: “yes you are”, “yes you are”).

3. Use Strategic Aggression to Shame Them

And Recruit Everyone on Your Side

With this technique, you call on everyone around to side with you by playing the “empowered victim”.

Simply state what she just did is vulgar and uncivil. Then demand an explanation and show you’re expecting an apology.

It’s less dominant than “Respond in Kind” but can be even more effective because now it’s “everyone VS her”.

Watch Tom Cruise executing it:

https://youtu.be/9C4UvvHMoZs?t=20

Notice at the beginning Tom is accommodating, pretending it was OK. But then he quickly switches to the shaming technique. And notice the people around naturally siding with him.

Note: he then moves to aggression, which was a mistake. He comes across as vindictive and butthurt. He should have stopped at the shaming stage.

To read more on shaming, check:

• Defending against the moral police attacks
• Anatomy of a shame attack

4. Scold Them With Moral Authority

Hit and Move Along

This is possibly the simplest technique to use.

You state it was rude and move on. It’s powerful because you become the judge and take the moral high ground.

Neil could have turned around slowly, looked at her for a second, and said: “Woah, that’s very rude of you”.
Then moved along with his speech. She would have probably gone crazy, but again, that would have been a good thing.

The idea is that you judge and then move along, leaving the aggressor behind. You communicate that you’re a superior man who doesn’t engage in petty social brawls.

Power Moved!

5. Use Nonverbals Against Them

Getting rid of someone without uttering a word is even more powerful than speaking.

Dominate with Touching

In Neil’s situation, he could have turned around while still speaking and without missing a beat, put his palm on her arm or back.

Since she hadn’t touched him yet, it would have been a dominant and socially savvy move—non-aggressive but strong.
Subcommunication being: “I keep going and ignore it, but you won’t be such a rabid dog, chill“.

Shame With Facial Expression

Similar to the moral authority technique, but you don’t speak. You pause, give a disgusted or disappointed look, then resume.

Just make sure the facial expression is obvious and long enough to be picked up by the audience.

What Neil Strauss Should Have Done

Commit and Stick to it

He says a couple of times “oh my God I can’t believe I’m saying this“, only for Star to prod him and Neil follows suit.

Tentative decisions make you look insecure.
If you’re on a show to talk about something, talk about it. If you don’t wanna talk about it, don’t. But don’t waffle in between.

https://youtu.be/M0omMTu9Ax8?t=7m40s

Don’t Finger Point

Research shows using your index finger while speaking makes you less liked by the audience.

Don’t Kiss Up – Just Don’t

As we’ve already seen, even outside of abusive relationships people often try to win over their aggressors with flattery or appeasement.

But that’s a trap. Bullies interpret your friendly gestures as your final capitulation.

Look how Star derides and brushes off Neil Strauss when he kisses her:

POWER DYNAMICS

Host Advantages

• Home Advantage: Hosts feel at home on set—both emotionally and even hormonally (higher testosterone).
• Final Authority: It’s their show, which subconsciously grants them a higher status role.
• They Ask Questions: The one who asks the questions has more control and power in conversations.

Neil Strauss’ Advantages

• Center Seat: The center position is the highest status position. Think of the US president at Yalta or Jesus in the Last Supper.

• He’s the Only Man: When you’re the only one of your gender, you automatically grab attention.
• Captivating Topic: The topic was fascinating, especially to women, and he leveraged that to charm the group.
• He’s the Subject Matter Expert: Being the expert on stage gives you status. People look to you for answers, giving you automatic power—even if the book itself isn’t great advice.

How to Ace Difficult Interviews

Stand by Your Deeds

Neil Strauss looked insecure and ashamed of his work. That’s why he was defensive and on the back foot.

To be confident, own what you do. Sign your work—even your mistakes. When you own your identity and deeds, confidence becomes a byproduct.

“Explain what? I don’t have anything to explain—least of all to you. What are you, the moral police?”

Nobody Has the Right to Intimidate You

Even if you’re caught off guard, remember: you give respect, but also expect respect. You don’t accept rudeness or disrespect from anyone.

If it means walking out of a show, so be it.