Captivate (2017) is a social skills book in which author Vanessa van Edwards shares strategies for learning social skills, as well as a variety of social tips and insights on how to captivate, gain power and status, and make others like you.
Overview
- Learn the 3 layers of personality types and tailor your communication to them
- Gesticulate as much as possible when giving a presentation
- Listen to what people brag and complain about to find their values
Notes
About the Author:
Vanessa van Edwards holds a Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) degree from Emory University. She began her entrepreneurial journey with children and writing children’s books under the pseudonym ‘Vanessa van Patten’.
She later moved to teach social skills from her point of view ‘recovering awkward person’, authoring several books and courses on social skills.
We already reviewed here Captivate, Body Language of Love, and her main course People School.
#1. Do What You Like
Vanessa says that “always say yes” is terrible advice and that you will not be successful following the “fake it until you make it mantra”.
She says instead you should develop your own social game plan. Find out what you like socially and make those your thriving locations.
My note: there is still merit in pushing yourself
fair point, but if you’re serious about getting good, you should push yourself.
- Staying at the edge of your comfort zone helps a lot in improving quickly as explained in
- You can “force” yourself into something and still enjoy it. Often the first few minutes are tough and then it gets fun, as rightfully spotted by Jeanne Martinet in The Art of Mingling.
The mindset is: stick through your fears long enough, they will become your addictions.
Social Spots
Vanessa says social events often have spots conducive to positive interactions and spots that should be avoided.
The entrance should be avoided, for example, while a great spot is right at the exit of the buffet or the bar.
Once people got their food or drink they are often desperate to speak to someone.
#2. Make a Great First Impression
Are you:
- friend or foe (you answer it with a hands gesture);
- winner or loser (you answer with body language and posture);
- ally or enemy (you answer it with eye contact)?
Vanessa talks about ‘sparks’, being unique, and “hot buttons”, what people love.
My Note:
I’m personally not a big fan of uniqueness though, especially if it’s uniqueness for uniqueness’ sake.
#3. Be Interested & Highlight
Quoting Carnegie with “to be interesting be interested”, the gist is that you should talk less and listen more.
- celebrate other people’s successes
- introduce people with a big explanatory compliment
- let people impress you rather than trying to impress them
#4. Be Likeable
Vanessa dedicates a full chapter to ‘being likable’, referring to popular principles of highlighting similarities over dissimilarities.
TPM Note: men must focus on respect, status, and power, not just ‘being likable’.
Read this crucial article:
- Be respected vs. being liked (Social skills vs. Power skills)
Social Skills vs Power Skills: Why Likability Alone Won’t Get You Ahead
#5. Read People
Vanessa delves into the Big Five personality traits and the 5 love language for relationships (a bit of soft pop-psychology for TPM).
#6. Find Their Values & Give Value
On something we agree more on, Vanessa van Edwards also mentions that interactions are transactions.
On TPM we focus more on the leverage and ROI those exchanges entail rather than purely on what to give.
Read more:
#7. Lead People
Similar as to Simon Sinek, Vanessa focuses on ‘giving a why’.
Since leadership is also about exchange and power, we focus more on power. Also see:
What I liked most about this chapter is Vanessa’s tip on how to best give tasks: you don’t just assign them, but give them to the people with the right skill.
And then tell them they are the best for it because they are the most talented for it.
Also, read:
#12. Engage: How to Turn People On
Vanessa says that popular people are more attuned to other people’s popularity.
They are more attuned to social signals, social hierarchy, and relationships. Popular people also care more about these topics.
We agree, but also stress that popular people are also high status, often high value, and often great social strategist. Sometimes, popularity is linked with narcissism and the active pursuit of status and popularity.
CONS
- Some pop-psychology
For example, the Myers-Briggs Test introduced as reliable and ‘science-backed’, is instead debatable.
Say the researchers and authors of the Handbook of Research Methods in Social & Personality Psychology:
Without much evidence for its external, structural, or substantive validity, the MBTI nonetheless became the most popular personality questionnaire in this country.
And personality psychology researcher Keith Campbell strikes even deeper:
I’m sure you’ve taken a personality quiz or two—who doesn’t love those? Under the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, you may be an ENTJ or an ISFT. Many variations exist, and chances are, many of them have little or no grounding in scientific evidence, especially if they are related to pop culture.
(…) Quiz takers often encounter what psychologists call the Barnum Effect, who apocryphally said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” The Barnum Effect works by giving vague, ambiguous feedback that applies to everyone.
- Lots Upsell
Captivate has constant invites to check Vanessa’s website.
The advertised link did not take me to any resource though but to a sign-up page.
That felt a bit wrong to me.
- Some Tips Aren’t Always Effective
My opinion is that some tips can be counterproductive, especially for men.
For example, you don’t ask a woman if she “can give you her number”.
And you won’t look socially powerful starting a convo by saying you want to “test a convo starter”.
Review
Captivate is a good book on interpersonal skills for beginners.
As for any book on a large and complex topic such as interpersonal skills it cannot cover everything, and Vanessa focused more on ‘standing out’ and ‘being unique’.
While that’s certainly valid for many people in many situations, I find its validity contextual.
Seeking uniqueness is not an inherently high-quality trait.
By its very nature, it defines social climbing because high-status people are already getting the attention they want.
Get the book on Amazon or check:
Captivate Summary: 12 Steps to Succeed With People
Some great stuff on understanding personalities and using them for better and more successful relationships.
URL: https://thepowermoves.com/captivate-review/
Author: Lucio Buffalmano
3.5
