Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 18, 2023, 4:55 pm

It's OK, but I personally would have used the opportunity for showing "willingness to give / rebalance the relationship" (for example, proposed a dinner "one of these days").

I may also have skipped the "Mr." and went for the name, IF appropriate -but you know best-.

Quote from B on February 18, 2023, 9:37 pm

Right!

Whenever possible, best to frame it as a more personal relationship rather than a formal one.

So this points in the direction that maintaining distance as a lawyer is also counterproductive. Best to have a more personal relationship with clients and persons, rather than a more formal one.

Thank you so much Lucio.

Quote from B on February 20, 2023, 7:41 pm

Client encloses a "wrong" version of a contract in a group email, asking me to update it: what to do?

I received this email from a client, who cc'd another junior person in the company:

Hello Bel,

hope you are well.

I enclose the company's supply agreement in my possession. Can I kindly ask you to verify if it needs an update?

I take the opportunity to introduce to you Mr. ..., who recently joined my team and will follow -among other things- legal agreements.

I immediately noticed that the version of the contract that the client enclosed in the email is not the correct one: the file enclosed in the email is an agreement based on a foreign law - while I had prepared a local law version of the same contract and had provided it to the client years ago.

At the time, however, there was another person in charge of the department, who was then substituted by the sender of the email above (this may explain why this person does not know of the version I prepared years ago).

But, what do I do now? Also, the email the client sent me is a group email: another junior person is in copy.

I'm thinking of (not calling, but) replying shortly with a group email of mine before doing the work, as follows:

Hello ...,

I'm good, hope you are as well.

Glad to meet ... .

Happy to update the terms and conditions. (I think I included this here to subcommunicate warmth, since I need to point out the following:)

I note that the file you transmitted contain the version for the market of [foreign country], based on the law of [foreign country]. (I could omit this, but I think as lawyer I need to make it clear the file is not to be used in our country!)

For the local company we had prepared a specific version based on local law, which I enclose here; I'll let you have an updated version of the latter shortly. (I want to enclose the correct file -notwithstanding that this will inevitably heighten the "mistake"- because I want alignment with them on the work I am to do. In other words, I don't want to do the work and then hear from them that there was "yet another version"...)

The idea is to:

• avoid phoning, which - while it would allow me to speak with the sender alone - would also heighten the sense I'm pointing out a "mistake"
• clarify the situation before doing the work: to avoid misunderstandings
• jump-through power protect: don't treat is as a mistake, and go straight to the point
• provide a "law-based" rationale for "not updating" the "wrong" file the client attached
• subcommunicate that the "wrong" file which the client enclosed in the email is NOT TO BE USED in our country
• provide to them the correct file in its last version before doing the work, to obtain alignment on the work to be done (ie to give them the chance to say "oh wait, you're right the file I enclosed was not the one to work on - but the last version to work on is this one and not yours")

I initially had included in my tentative draft email an explicit mention that the file which the client sent me was "not to be used in our country". However, I then removed this -as I think this concept is already clear from the above text, and being "too explicit" on this may result in shaming the client-.

Happy to read your thoughts on this Guys.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 21, 2023, 10:27 am

For the specifics of this situation, and at your already high level, you surely know best, Bel.

But the general reasoning you outlined is solid, and it seems a good email to me.

Quote from B on February 21, 2023, 11:49 am

Thank you so much Lucio, having your confirmation here is really helpful - not to say of everything else I learned from TPM and applied here.

The most important objective is avoiding shaming the client in front of the junior guy. I'll think about it some more and then hit send.

Quote from B on February 21, 2023, 6:16 pm

"Staredowns"

I read this great thread by Lucio on the emotionless stare being superior to the angry stare.

It triggered a reflection on my experience. Posting it here in my journal as this is more a personal reflection, and it is off-topic as it does not deal with "fights".

I remember that before-TPM I once locked eyes with a guy, and a staredown of more then 20 seconds ensued. He was just emotionless, as per your example, and I averted my gaze first. I could not help but think he was a dark triad.

After studying TPM I wondered how I could have "won" that staredown if it happened now.

Now it sometimes happens to me to lock eyes with people who are staring at me, and I find it happens more often -compared to "before-TPM"- that they avert eyes first.

This made me think that staredowns are mostly "won" in the first 1-2 seconds. Meaning, the "winner" is the more self-assured person, and this is felt instantly between two people - who keeps looking more is not the only thing that defines the "winner".

So in replaying the 20 second staredown in my mind, I think if it happened now, I would not keep staring with the intent to "stare for a longer time". I would rather, after some seconds, just smile - as if to say "You have balls, my friend".

Your post made me think: the emotionless stare is superior and higher power than an angry stare.

But maybe a human, power-aware, subtly smiling stare is superior - outside of fights - to even the emotionless stare.

Because: the angry stare subcommunicates being ruled by emotions. The emotionless stare subcommunicates being not "fully human" and "not having emotions". But the self-assured, power-aware, subtly smiling stare subcommunicates being human, and being able to deal with both "angry people" and "empathy-less people".

Which, in a way, is what TPM teaches: to retain humanity, and be able to deal with every facet of humanity, including "empathy-less" people. The most powerful stance of all.

Quote from B on February 21, 2023, 6:55 pm

On connecting the high-power direct way (or, avoiding weak or indirect attempts when you have a direct route)
I am rethinking this:

Quote from Bel on November 15, 2022, 11:10 am

I was involved in a new contract requested by one of my professional contacts for another person, whom I have not met or talked to but that was in copy in all related emails.

I waited some time and then I asked to connect with this person on Linkedin, but he did not accept.

I now believe that the real mistake I made there was in asking for a connection via a “weak” medium like LinkedIn when I had this person in copy to emails all the time, and never said anything to him or to acknowledge his “presence” in the email thread.

In other words, it could have made sense to either reach out directly with an email, or to mention something in one of the emails I was exchanging with my contact, like “Happy to meet Mr X!”.

But, when this person who already was in copy to emails all the time saw me only asking him to connect on LinkedIn, he probably got the worst feeling about me:

- I was not really interested,

- and if I was interested, why was I not reaching out high-power and direct, or at least acknowledging his presence in the email conversation?

There may be a high-level guideline here of “not choosing weak or indirect means of connection when you have a higher-power, more direct one at your hands”.

So what I did is a bit like seeing a woman every day in a physical environment, and then not saying anything to her and only asking to connect on Facebook.

A total bummer!

Now, to be true, the initial “mistake” was by my contact, who never formally “introduced” us in those emails and just put him in copy.

But the responsibility was still mine to address the situation and reach out high-power.

As a side note, this is one of the things that could fall into the new “how to make friends” section.

Also, while the idea seems so foundational and basic, I think getting this will make a big difference for me.

In this case, I made a bad first impression (this person refused my connection on LinkedIn) with a person who could have been a key client contact and a source of work, so the difference that knowing this makes is enormous.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 22, 2023, 3:30 am

Quote from Bel on February 21, 2023, 6:16 pm

"Staredowns"

I read this great thread by Lucio on the emotionless stare being superior to the angry stare.

It triggered a reflection on my experience.

Great stuff, Bel!

Made a note for next PU's update on how to handle these (and linked to this post because your reflections are great. Especially like the "smile" approach to turn the competition into a possible alliance of high power folks).

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 22, 2023, 3:36 am

Quote from Bel on February 21, 2023, 6:55 pm

On connecting the high-power direct way (or, avoiding weak or indirect attempts when you have a direct route)
I am rethinking this:

Quote from Bel on November 15, 2022, 11:10 am

I was involved in a new contract requested by one of my professional contacts for another person, whom I have not met or talked to but that was in copy in all related emails.

I waited some time and then I asked to connect with this person on Linkedin, but he did not accept.

I now believe that the real mistake I made there was in asking for a connection via a “weak” medium like LinkedIn when I had this person in copy to emails all the time, and never said anything to him or to acknowledge his “presence” in the email thread.

In other words, it could have made sense to either reach out directly with an email, or to mention something in one of the emails I was exchanging with my contact, like “Happy to meet Mr X!”.

But, when this person who already was in copy to emails all the time saw me only asking him to connect on LinkedIn, he probably got the worst feeling about me:

- I was not really interested,

- and if I was interested, why was I not reaching out high-power and direct, or at least acknowledging his presence in the email conversation?

There may be a high-level guideline here of “not choosing weak or indirect means of connection when you have a higher-power, more direct one at your hands”.

So what I did is a bit like seeing a woman every day in a physical environment, and then not saying anything to her and only asking to connect on Facebook.

A total bummer!

Now, to be true, the initial “mistake” was by my contact, who never formally “introduced” us in those emails and just put him in copy.

But the responsibility was still mine to address the situation and reach out high-power.

As a side note, this is one of the things that could fall into the new “how to make friends” section.

Also, while the idea seems so foundational and basic, I think getting this will make a big difference for me.

In this case, I made a bad first impression (this person refused my connection on LinkedIn) with a person who could have been a key client contact and a source of work, so the difference that knowing this makes is enormous.

Great reflection and lesson learned, Bel!

In your case, the mistake wasn't terrible because you only connected, not reached out -which would have been worse-.

Still, you're right anyway since you put yourself in a position where you chased when you had no need to (plus, it's lower power when you connected without having been formally introduced).

We may call this principle the:

Always go for the highest power medium you have available 

@aliscarlett this is a great one for networking university / business university.