Former Community – We Moved
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Feedbacks & clarifications
Let me clarify. The main reason that I brought this up is because I view that our discussion had a more private nature.
Maybe you view our discussion to be more public. Which understandly is true due to the nature of the forum.
Our discussion was quite substantial. And I think only both of us and Lucio followed our train of thoughts. Ao I view it as a bit private.
So I was asking if you can leave my name out. Now could be too late. But maybe for future posts if you are comfortable with that.
On the difference in perspective, maybe we do view it differently. And I'm open towards exchanging ideas on that.
Hey man, I don't think that writing your name is such an issue. And the example I took has nothing to do with the discussion we had. It happened that it was during the discussion that this element came up.
I think we can find a way to make this work for both of us.
From what I understand (I may be wrong), you would like to highlight a concrete example to illustrate a concept.
I don't feel that adding my name would help to add more ground to the concept.
Would the following work?
Highlighting the content but leaving out my name.
Let me clarify further why I feel that it conveys a different meaning when my name is included:
Matthew thought that ...
This conveys that I thought about something in a certain way.
Sometime ago, this phrase came up during a discussion, and there could be multiple ways of interpreting that.
Now I feel that I am not painted alongside the context of the post.
Usually, all is fine with including my name in posts.
I'm expressing my thoughts on this particular context that references our discussion.
The issue is that the post is locked.
We don't have to do anything in this particular case.
I'm expressing this to you because it's personally important to me.
Our personal understanding is most important because it affects our future interactions.
I feel healthier when I express myself, understand and navigate the boundaries through the discussions on this thread.
For example, now I understand your intentions better and how you want to navigate the forum.
You wanted to give a real-life example so you can highlight the practical strategies of implementing the concept you outlined.
So I can work with you on that while feeling more detached from certain discussions, for example through removing my name.
I do view these discussions with inherent friction & potentially some conflict.
Another way I see these discussions are that we are navigating our boundaries & interests clearly and productively.
Sometimes we disagree. Sometimes we diverge.
Perfectly fine because we all can get some value out of discussions even with some disagreements.
But, at other times, if we can make it work for everyone, our understandings from this thread help a lot in facilitating that.
This is what I wanted to communicate with you.
If it's not too much trouble to leave my name out of discussions that you think would be potentially sensitive in the future (your discretion), I would thank you a lot for that.
If it's too much trouble, that's okay.
I will drop a note here if I feel uncomfortable.
I hear you but I'm sorry, I will continue to use your name if I think it's relevant. You won't became the "nameless" ;)
Look at it the other way around: how would you feel if you quote me for some reason and I come here and I say: "don't quote my name"?
If it does not sound weird to you, then it's all good. Just know that I would not do that. I understand your POV, however it's not about "too much trouble". I respect you and this is why I won't do what you ask. It's because I think you can handle someone quoting your name on a forum. This is not a manipulation, it is what I think. I think that if you intend to go on the self-development road for real, then someone quoting your name on a forum should not be such a painful event.
And if it is, I would wonder why it does make me feel like that. If you deal with people like that in real life, be careful that it does not push them away because they feel that you don't take into account their intentions towards you. As Lucio said, this forum is a training ground. The real stuff is in real life.
Once again, you're free to feel uncomfortable, of course. However, the discomfort is not forcibly something bad someone is doing to you. It might be you stepping out of your comfort zone. So it means there is an opportunity for learning. If you see discomfort as something to avoid, then this will be an obstacle to your growth.
Quote from John Freeman on March 28, 2021, 9:47 amYou won't became the "nameless" ?
I don't appreciate that you use this emoji during our discussion.
Look at it the other way around: how would you feel if you quote me for some reason and I come here and I say: "don't quote my name"?
I would respect that.
Because I would respect how you would like to portray yourself to others.
So yes, you are free to tell me if I didn't quote you as to how you would like.
And I didn't use the tone of "don't quote my name", which is more demanding.
I explained why it is important to me.
If it does not sound weird to you, then it's all good. Just know that I would not do that. I understand your POV, however it's not about "too much trouble". I respect you and this is why I won't do what you ask. It's because I think you can handle someone quoting your name on a forum. This is not a manipulation, it is what I think. I think that if you intend to go on the self-development road for real, then someone quoting your name on a forum should not be such a painful event.
If you don't agree with what I say, there's no need to use the self-development frame on me.
You can just disagree.
What you're saying is that when someone says he is uncomfortable with something, you tell him that you can handle that discomfort.
Once again, you're free to feel uncomfortable, of course. However, the discomfort is not forcibly something bad someone is doing to you. It might be you stepping out of your comfort zone. So it means there is an opportunity for learning. If you see discomfort as something to avoid, then this will be an obstacle to your growth.
Well, we have our differences.
I don't regard everything that I feel uncomfortable with as stepping out of my comfort zone.
Sometimes I take that as a cue for me to voice something that is not necessarily in my best interests.
I think this is going too far. To me this feels way too controlling as well: don't use emoji, don't quote my name, don't use the self-development frame on me. The goal is for us to learn and grow together. Of course you're free to take it this way. Regarding this conversation: I think I've considered your opinion and gave you an honest answer. So I've done my part.
That being said, I want you to know that there are no hard feelings on my part.
Cheers!
Quote from John Freeman on March 28, 2021, 9:47 amI hear you but I'm sorry, I will continue to use your name if I think it's relevant. You won't became the "nameless" ?
Look at it the other way around: how would you feel if you quote me for some reason and I come here and I say: "don't quote my name"?
If it does not sound weird to you, then it's all good. Just know that I would not do that. I understand your POV, however it's not about "too much trouble". I respect you and this is why I won't do what you ask. It's because I think you can handle someone quoting your name on a forum. This is not a manipulation, it is what I think. I think that if you intend to go on the self-development road for real, then someone quoting your name on a forum should not be such a painful event.
And if it is, I would wonder why it does make me feel like that. If you deal with people like that in real life, be careful that it does not push them away because they feel that you don't take into account their intentions towards you. As Lucio said, this forum is a training ground. The real stuff is in real life.
Once again, you're free to feel uncomfortable, of course. However, the discomfort is not forcibly something bad someone is doing to you. It might be you stepping out of your comfort zone. So it means there is an opportunity for learning. If you see discomfort as something to avoid, then this will be an obstacle to your growth.
Hi Freeman, in my opinion, you made a good point that citing others' name for their words is showing respects rather than disrespects. By default, in academia, journalism, literature, and creative writing, it is unethical if you don't cite others' names. I also agree 100% with your argument that, people are free to feel uncomfortable.
However, the following sentences seem to have a mild form of "mentor" frame:
 If you deal with people like that in real life, be careful that it does not push them away because they feel that you don't take into account their intentions towards you.
 So it means there is an opportunity for learning. If you see discomfort as something to avoid, then this will be an obstacle to your growth.
It was just my feelings and I cannot judge if your sentences are "good" or "bad". Of course I understand that, you, as a person, don't want to be felt "above" anyone else, and my comments could be my misunderstandings. Also, because I kind of know you, I think you were not "mentoring" anyone but just simply sharing the thoughts and bringing the whole community up.
To soften the frame, I might say disclaimers like: "I am just sharing my feelings" or "I am not trying to convince/mentor you". This could make others more comfortable. Probably Lucio has better solutions to soften the frame.
Personally, I would be more than happy if you could mentor me or use the mentor frame on me, as I am still learning and will be learning for ever. Others might have the freedom to feel discomfort with the frame.
Quote from John Freeman on March 28, 2021, 1:04 pmI think this is going too far. To me this feels way too controlling as well: don't use emoji, don't quote my name, don't use the self-development frame on me. The goal is for us to learn and grow together. Of course you're free to take it this way. Regarding this conversation: I think I've considered your opinion and gave you an honest answer. So I've done my part.
That being said, I want you to know that there are no hard feelings on my part.
Cheers!
We know that this emoji ? is a form of micro-aggression.
If you use that, you can't expect me to not address that.
What you did was to use a micro-aggression, I brought it up, and you retreated to make me look like I was going too far.
I hear you but I'm sorry, I will continue to use your name if I think it's relevant. You won't became the "nameless" ?
I would say that this is a controlling statement.
You are saying that you can freely use my name in a context as you wish.
Now when I point it out, you say I'm the one being controlling.
don't use the self-development frame on me
I brought this up because you are using the self-development frame to make it seem like I should just bear with my feelings of discomfort.
