Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Feedbacks & clarifications
Thanks for your message, selfriend. Definitely, to be more accurate, my mindset is the following: "I did the same mistake in the past and it pushed others away because I was being too controlling in my communication. I was not taking into account other people's intentions or context. Or I was attributing to them negative intentions (I was a bit paranoid), therefore they thought: "wow, this guy is taking things way too personal". And it pushed them away".
And now (thanks to personal development) I'm able to see it. Now that I'm on the receiving end of it, I share with Matthew what it feels like. I now understand why what I was doing was pushing people away. What he does with this information is up to him.
Therefore, I'm sharing my experience here. I'm happy as well if you teach me stuff or "mentor me", I'm here to learn! :)
Matthew, this emoji is not a form of micro-aggression, it means: "dude, just relax a bit, it's all good". On the rest I don't agree as well. Like I said I don't have anything more to add.
Quote from John Freeman on March 28, 2021, 2:16 pmMatthew, this emoji is not a form of micro-aggression, it means: "dude, just relax a bit, it's all good".
Yes, this is why I feel it's a micro-aggression.
It's a bit patronising to ask someone to "relax" in the middle of a disagreement.
On the rest I don't agree as well. Like I said I don't have anything more to add.
We can agree to disagree.
Well, I'm happy when my friends tell me that I'm taking something too seriously. It helps me to take some distance. So I can learn from their perspective. Being critical of one's perception is helpful to change one's perspective.
That can be addressed in a respectful manner.
I'm always open to feedback when it's shared respectfully.
I hear you but I'm sorry, I will continue to use your name if I think it's relevant. You won't became the "nameless" ?
Do you think that this is respectful?
I'm talking about the tone.
I think it's funny and friendly. You took it as an insult when it was meant as a friendly joke. It means: "don't worry, buddy I got your back, I will show you that thing on a funny side so you can see that it does not deserve to be taken so seriously". That being said if that was your complaint, why do you say it only now? You could have said it in the first place. And as I told you earlier, if you take friendly feed-back (tough love) so bad, people in real life will hold up to tell you something that might offend you. So you will cut yourself off from helpful feed-back.
Once again, only friendly people will tease you in a way that allow you to look at yourself not so seriously, when they think it would be helpful for you. You are of course free to take it however you want, though. Other people will just take mental note and not tell you at all.
Quote from John Freeman on March 29, 2021, 1:18 pmThat being said if that was your complaint, why do you say it only now? You could have said it in the first place.
At first, we had a potential disagreement.
Slightly uncomfortable but that's fine.
What I'm most uncomfortable with now is not our disagreement on whether you can use my name.
It's about how you addressed me in our exchange.
This was what changed the dynamic of the interaction and I had to speak up about how you addressed it:
Quote from Matthew Whitewood on March 28, 2021, 8:21 am
We don't have to do anything in this particular case.
I'm expressing this to you because it's personally important to me.
Our personal understanding is most important because it affects our future interactions.
I feel healthier when I express myself, understand and navigate the boundaries through the discussions on this thread.Quote from John Freeman on March 28, 2021, 9:47 amI hear you but I'm sorry, I will continue to use your name if I think it's relevant. You won't became the "nameless" ?
I told you that it's personally important to me.
And you chose to use what you call "friendly teasing" on me.
I don't regard this as "tough love" or feedback, and I don't regard my response as a complaint.
Being assertive is not complaining.
Yes, I agree.
Both of us are free to interpret this exchange however we want to.
We can move on from here with our different interpretations.
For clarifications' sake, here are two definitions from wiki:
Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive. In the field of psychology and psychotherapy, it is a skill that can be learned and a mode of communication. Dorland's Medical Dictionary defines assertiveness as:
- a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person's rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one's rights or point of view.[1]
complain
(intransitive) To express feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment. quot
- So one can definitely both be assertive and complain. Of course! Let's move on! :)
Yes I agree, one can be both.
Definitions can be a grey area as well.
In my case, I was being assertive.
Two quick notes:
- Call "the leader of this website" by his name
From this post.
You have been given feedback on this already, twice.
Maybe it wasn't clear enough, so here is as clear as possible: I prefer you address it by name, rather than the "leader of this website".
- If you have a question, make that question clear
I've noticed a couple of times now that you cushion a question behind a disagreement, or behind a statement.
For example:
Selffriend: I am not sure if the line is assertive as the article specifically tells us to say "I don't" instead of "I can't".
That's a mix of a question and a statement / disagreement.
It's best to pick one, or people don't feel like feeding you information when you don't clearly pick a question.
And:
Selffriend: Wow, such a covert power move, just like "I am sorry" and "you are too good for me"?
That's a technique called "covert question", and it makes people come across as sneaky and indirect. Look it up in the dictionary.
Hi Lucio, the master and leader in power moves, I truly appreciate your mentoring. (How about this? I think your leadership and your hard work earned you this position, and you deserve much more than being called a "leader". Just like the British Queen or Daenerys, when your people voluntarily add a lot of titles next to your name, your power is boosted rather than harmed.)
Selffriend: Wow, such a covert power move, just like "I am sorry" and "you are too good for me"?
That's a technique called "covert question", and it makes people come across as sneaky and indirect. Look it up in the dictionary.
Selffriend:Â I am not sure if the line is assertive as the article specifically tells us to say "I don't" instead of "I can't".
That's a mix of a question and a statement / disagreement.
It's best to pick one, or people don't feel like feeding you information when you don't clearly pick a question.
I think that "I am not sure" indicates a very weak power, and I put myself in a weak position. The main question is asked in the title so I thought I don't have to repeat it. If you feel that I have to repeat it, I'll do it.
I am not disagreeing with anything in that specific sentence; I am just saying that I am not sure what to believe. At the end of the day, you have the full power to explain your own material. I sincerely apologize if you feel that I was disagreeing there.
