Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Feedbacks & clarifications
Hi Ali,
thank you for your kind post.
It's a great point to reflect upon, and you're spot on.
When I first started interacting on the forum, I had already unconsciously internalized this idea - that you now clearly articulate - that being known as a "professional" in some area makes it more appropriate to be extremely careful "socially" as to the positions, and even the "endorsements", that one expresses.
The simple fact that people know one's profession make those endorsements more "weighty", with all consequent responsibility to be very careful as to one's demeanor in one's specific area of expertise.
I suppose there's a social principle that is at work here that applies equally to all "professions" and "expertise areas".
I am a lot more careless when I read or write posts that don't deal with my work though:)
Hello, Ali, Bel, everyone!
Ali, I join you in reaffirming my respect (and I'd say my admiration) for Bel. Bel, when I see you posting, I know it's going to be full of foods for thought :)
It makes me think that it's a good opportunity to exchange perspectives about strategic uses of likes, since it's a big part of the forum communication.
I agree that we'd rather be careful about how we use our likes, and at the same time to me thumbs up start to feel judgey when someone becomes picky about it (as if someone is going around saying "this one is good", "this one not so much", "this one I didn't like", "this one is the best of all". It might be fair, but... it's a judge dispensing rewards and punishments nonetheless).
Instead I prefer to use it more as social balm, akin to nonverbal signs of "I hear you", "that makes sense", "interesting perspective/case study you share". When I disagree, I disagree verbally - and the thumbs up in this case prevents the breaking of too much rapport.
To me it's even more important when I want to convey that I am following a thread, but don't want to get involved in the discussion (many times just because I don't have anything to add or don't have the time in the moment).
So I prefer to make a liberal use of my thumbs up and only consider withholding them in two scenarios:
1) There is something in the post that goes against my values (perhaps that was also Bel's reasoning in that thread) or felt rather power movey, but I don't think it's worthy addressing;
2) Someone is being picky (judgey) with their thumbs up. Giving a thumbs up to someone who withheld it in the same thread feels like I'm chasing, and I want to minimise power imbalance.
I often break those "rules" and give thumbs up anyway if I feel the situation calls for it.
Happy to hear your perspectives regarding this.
Thank you so much Kavalier,
it's the same for me.
Hello @bel,
First, thanks for your last interesting post about Reaction Formation. I would like to clarify something. It's not the first time that I notice this happening but it's the first time I'm talking about it.
In your post of today, I see this:
If I am really envious of other people, I will go to great lenghts to specify that I "respect them", or "wish them well", or "don't want to interfere with their success".
and this
If I am always lying, I will go to great lenghts to qualify my words as "sincere", or my talk as "truthful", or me as "unable to say lies".
Knowing that I posted yesterday this:
My apologies for the hints of misogyny, it's part of the price to pay for opening my eyes. I want to be clear: I love and respect women. I'm a bit sad, hurt and disappointed of this new realization, but as other members here know: it's always like that.
And this:
Alright I don’t think I understood the misunderstanding. My apologies if I overstepped or mispoke. Sincere thoughts, John.
I could not help but notice the same words used in a negative way at a 24 hours interval. I noticed this pattern a few times already: same words/ideas I wrote turned negatively in a post 24-48 hours afterwards without directly referencing it. So far, I ignored it to avoid conflict which tend to disturb the peace of the community. Of course, this could be non-intentional, a coincidence, I could be paranoid or wrong. I choose to speak up today to know what is going on.
I'd like to know your perspective on that observation.
Hi John,
no, I wasn't referring to you.
Unfortunately for me, I was referring to (or rather, my idea for the post came from) close relatives of mine, and what I myself had picked on from them, and then had - and in some respects probably still have, as everybody - to get rid of.
Hello Bel,
thanks for the clarification. Yeah, it sucks to have manipulators as close relatives. As you know I can relate (will post soon about the usual Christmas dinner "games").
So coincidence, then. My bad!
I hope your holiday had not too many of those (lame) games and wish you a happy new year in advance.
Hello Bel,
Based on your answer, I think you « theory posts », meaning when you highlight and explain principles are great and bring a lot of value to the community. It does to me.
A suggestion: maybe prefacing them with some context from (your) real life could add even more value. I personally learn better this way. Maybe others as well. An idea, up to you if that makes sense for you or not.
Cheers.
Hello, @bel
Lucio, Ali and I talked about this situation and agreed that it called for an admin note.
When I first read John’s post in this thread, the similarity in the wording that John pointed out caught my attention enough to start taking a closer look at the latest forum’s posts.
Then this post comes out and I also notice the same patterns John referenced above (quoting John):
I could not help but notice the same words used in a negative way at a 24 hours interval. I noticed this pattern a few times already: same words/ideas I wrote turned negatively in a post 24-48 hours afterwards without directly referencing it. So far, I ignored it to avoid conflict which tend to disturb the peace of the community.
More strikingly (quoting John):
Of course, this could be non-intentional, a coincidence, I could be paranoid or wrong. I choose to speak up today to know what is going on.
And then I read this (quoting Bel):
The reason is a mixture of projection and paranoia.
In that post, you indeed mention examples that ground your observations in your own social circles. But while those events are well in the past, the main thesis resembles a lot John’s request for clarification.
Not long time ago, I did see one instance where you alluded to forum’s events without directly referencing it. (quoting Bel):
I saw this sentence in the forum:
Great message, it was really needed. But… [restates his original position]
I am interested in understanding it more.
It seems to me it may be a case of high warmth with low intention, meaning the subcommunication may be (...)”
That lends credibility to John’s feeling that something was wrong and his request for clarification.
Whether true or not, there is still a feel of not talking straight here. So, a forum reminder to everyone, we encourage straight talk here and strongly prefer open, honest, direct communication for resolutions.
Edit: fixed links
Thank you so much Kavalier (and the whole team of course). It may be strategically wrong and I know I should let Bel speak first. So my apologies for the timing.
You can imagine I noticed it as well and was in a double bind: if I say something I prove I am paranoid if I don’t well… So I feel relieved, heard, believed and understood. Thank you.
Sorry if my message is in anyway inapproriate. I felt the need to express it. I hope you’ll understand.
I also understand it’s not about me but about the community and the forum.
Hi Kavalier, thank you.
Your message is clear, I will do some self-reflecting.
The reasons why I mentioned the last forum thread (the one where I said I was interested in understanding it more) without referring to it was - at least to my rational knowledge - because I didn’t want to personalize it.
But I see that this comes across as sneaky. It could have been better to directly refer to it.
I apologize for that. I guess this is linked to a multitude of reasons, including me still having some fear of being assertive.
And probably some other emotions coming out, of course unrelated to this forum.
Thank you again.
