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JLes's Journal
Reading through more examples of covert power moves, most specifically the : “Should I Really Tell You?” section, spurred some memories for me of a similar power move behaviour I used to engage in.
Not sure if this power move is covered anywhere in the course, but it certainly isn't the most effective type of behaviour.
The "I've peak your interest/concern, but won't tell you straight up what its about" power move.
Terrible, passive-aggressive behaviour in general . The aim of the game was to peak interest, with say bad emotions towards a person or similar, but then withhold any further explanation. The sought result was to make the person interested enough to chase and keep giving attention. Clearly disempowering the recipient.
Clearly, high quality people have very little time for those sort of games... Which results in only Turkeys playing these games.
On a more personal note, the source of this behaviour may have been the perceived/actual lack of attention I had experienced from my primary care givers. There is still an element of that, where rather than communicating in a dialog fashion - I sometimes engage in "tirades" or "lectures" which aren't necessarily helpful for solving anything or building relationships.
Note to self: explore the attention seeking behaviour, and the root causes, so as to eradicate turkey behaviour and soar higher.
With the Xmas period coming up - I've been having more power showdowns with close relatives as far as spending time with them during the festive period.
I don't have the warmest of relationships with either of my parents.
In order to get in my good graces, one parent "gave value" by sharing a contact to a recruiter. Nothing specifically helpful, but not something I felt an immediate need to say no to. I have plenty of recruiters to speak to - they advertise their phone numbers and emails all over the internet.
On the back this exchange, I recieved a highly manipulative message attempting to guilt-trip me into coming to my parents house for Xmas. This involved an expression of unhappines of the current situation at the house and a threat of divorce... This was all through a couple of text exchanges - as we've not spoken on the phone for a loooonnnngg while. And this parent would basically never call first. Even more so, the last text further attempted to push me into the child role - which I instantly refuted. So much for a having a pleasant win-win conversation.
The second parent seemed a bit more receptive to my idea of spending the festive period not with them, at least initially. All was well enough for us to speak on the phone a couple of times.
For context, I lead with the idea of exchanging gifts for Xmas this year in the family chat - as noone has taken to asking/arranging for that ever in the family, despite all members being adults for many years now.
However, soon into the phone conversation, rather than maintaining openness to the idea of me not spending Xmas time with them, this person choose to "play the card" of wanting my attention for Xmas as their choice of gift and then..... you guessed it.... attempting a guilt-tripping move to ensure that happens. In the middle of this power showdown/wrestle however - as we were having a conversation over a video call - their phone rung.
Now, for context, this person has always prioritised answering the phone above all else, even a deep conversation with a family member... I knew it straight away as well.
So guess what happened....
I hung up and didn't want to talk to this person at all since, let alone spend more time with them. In that moment my conviction in wanting to spend the festive period my own way has been sealed.
Its rather unfortunate and not particularly pleasant to realise that the only way ones parents know how to relate to you as an adult is by guilt-tripping and attempting to use coercive power from a judge position for one to spend time with them.
Emojis & LOLs as covert power moves
As I was reading through the additional resources on covert power moves, I found myself communicating in a similar manner...
The specific messages where:
Co-worker: Ken had thought our meeting was Friday and not today ..so I rebooked him for tomorrow, and he has gone through the email ..so that is a good sign
Me: Ken? Not sure I booked a Ken for you lol (attempted to soften the message of confusion - as I was fairly certain I have not dealt with anyone named Ken)
Me: glad to hear he is responsive though!
Co-worker: lol...you are right..sorry it was xyz..
It seems to me that in this particular exchange I used the "lol" as a covert power move aimed at reducing the sting of the comment on of the "smart alec" frame
A more direct, open approach would have been to stop at
Me: Ken?
Or, without the covet power move:
Me: Ken? I'm not sure I booked a Ken with you, but I might be mistaken (direct communication, power protecting giving the co-worker an easy way out)
Clearly my instant communication at this point needs more work and growth...
Yeah, your revised approach seemed better to me.
More straight, more high power, and also more power-protecting and saving his face.
AS for emojis, of course and as I think you know, for sure it's contextual.
But generally speaking, if the laugh is at another person's mistake or to laugh at them/what they said, generally better to avoid.
And the especially wink, I'd generally avoid.
Yeah - emojis are VERY contextual.
The wink and LOLs can be readily used for cover power moves - as I'm going through the the calibration lessons it makes a whole lot more sense why.
The core of the issue, as I'm thinking through it, is whether they are being used to express genuine laughter or implying something fun, rather than being used disingenuously as a "cover".
In a flirting context's, when implying a playful frame - the wink emoji is an absolute gem.
I guess the core thought for me on this is: be direct, don't hide - if you're genuinely know someone might be in a pickle - open the door for them to save themselves
Quote from J Les on November 21, 2023, 11:14 amYeah - emojis are VERY contextual.
The wink and LOLs can be readily used for cover power moves - as I'm going through the the calibration lessons it makes a whole lot more sense why.
The core of the issue, as I'm thinking through it, is whether they are being used to express genuine laughter or implying something fun, rather than being used disingenuously as a "cover".In a flirting context's, when implying a playful frame - the wink emoji is an absolute gem.
I guess the core thought for me on this is: be direct, don't hide - if you're genuinely know someone might be in a pickle - open the door for them to save themselves
Yep, you said it.
Basically: laughing at you/your mistake, power move. Smart-alecky wink or laugh to position oneself as "better", power move.
Laughing in good spirit: great.
Also correct what you say for dating/flirting.
the "LOL" and laughing emojis are great.
As a matter of fact, I've noticed it that the more player-ish type of guys and those who "get" female communication tend to use them more (rather than, say, the guys who are stuck at trying to be overly alpha and keep it too dry).
Reading through
I also only learned the meaning of reticent today = ie. not revealing one's thoughts of feelings readily...
Seems to me like that's been that's a pattern of behaviour I've had a for a long while now.
I know of people who are much more readily able/willing to share their thoughts with anyone/everyone and know for a fact that in socialisation it works wanders to help other open up themselves...
Something to think about...
Yeah, there is definitely an element of "you tend to get what you put out".
I like doing that with a general attitude of talking and treating people well and like potential friends -but not necessarily sharing your full self just yet-.
Such as, you can carry that same attitude of general openness and good disposition, but while still being more careful/strategic of what exactly you share.
Hello, JLes! 1+ to Lucio above
For a long time, I also used to be very reserved about sharing my views and feelings (in my case even about banal stuff). What I did was to sit down and list what I didn't feel like talking about, and ask myself: is this something about which people share their minds freely when socializing?
- If yes, then I'd just figure out my insecurities around the topic and force myself to share more (If there were such a thing as PU back then, it would have been much easier, because much of it had to do with becoming a social peg, ostracized, etc)
- If no, then I would keep it entirely for myself, or choose one or two people who were close and trustworthy enough to share
Doing this exercise, I was surprised at how much I had put in the first category. That was something that was hindering my socialization. The rest is what you want to be more careful about (how much, with whom, in which circumstances...), but power awareness is going to help sort things out
OFF TOPIC
I edited your journal's title to correct a typo, but feel free to tell me if you preferred otherwise
Thank you for the responses @lucio and @kavalier. Very helpful.
Really appreciate the thought on the "what's fair to share in general socializing" - will definitely spend some time going through that by the end of the week.
Sounds like a really helpful excercise.
I think part of the reluctance, or maybe more like of general desire to share, stems from the fact that I have had quite a lot of people/peers from my childhood days use anything and everything I shared at the time to later make fun of me - basically use me as a social peg and ostracizing from the peer group as described by @kavalier.
I guess the main part of overcoming that is - you will struggle to make any sort of inroads on making friends/connections if you prevent yourself from sharing. At the same time, one has to trust in their own power, strength and ability to deal with whatever the consequences are of sharing (even banal stuff) to the wrong people.
That's why assessing people and calibrating reactions appropriately, where PU is an awesome resource, is so important. That way one can make sure its the right people that get to experience more of "you".
At the same time, the main realisation is that raising the general level of sharing is most helpful in establishing new and maintaining relationships in general.
Off-topic
I didn't even realise there was a typo in the title - if there was, I appreciate you correcting that @kavalier
