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Kellvo's Journal - Forging a New Purpose After Gaining Power

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I agree. Changed and still is changing my life. Foundational. Habits are everything.

Kellvo has reacted to this post.
Kellvo

I took your advice Lucio and acquired a copy of Atomic Habits. While my impulsive and unstructured approach I learned to live life through makes consciously establishing long-term healthy habits challenging, I know I can do it. I began by experimenting with the cue - for example, I intend to set a habit of going to the gym early in the morning, so I make it easier by including weights, water and fresh clothes by my bed. Than I do small things leading up to it. I've seen some positive effects, and although its rough I am up for it.

It's been a while since I posted here and so I'm gonna go over a few power situations I was in recently. The first was with a new online friend I made. After creating a value-adding review, he sent a friend request to me, I accepted, and we started talking. All was well until he started throwing some master-slave dynamics around (half jokingly) and putting his country above mine repeatedly. Now I accept there are good and bad things about all countries, but I didn't want to end up in a power-down dynamic either, so I stood my ground and challenged the dynamic on the first, while pointing out that both our countries have good and bad sides on the second. When he backed down, I than switched to saying I value him, it's okay (he got a bit apologetic) and saying I found a lot of good things about his country too. It cumulated with me simply saying that I wanted a mutually beneficial friendship as long as we both gained from it, from which he said that was really mature of me and we been smooth sailing since.

Except for one time yesterday when he called me a pussy indirectly. I started to justify myself, than stopped and agreed and amplified that one since it was more of a joking frame, reframing it as me being a big powerful wild tiger and going RAWR! He laughed, I laughed, I showed off a bit of savagery in-game and we all had a good time.

Overall, still a bit on the aggressive side on my part, but I was able to temper it and seek a win/win solution after while showing more social skill. Definitely made progress. He is a genuinely cool guy, much more experienced (age and sexually), and happy-go-lucky and fun, and I provide value in conversation, energy and positivity as well (especially since he's going through a rough time), so its a positive dynamic overall.

John Freeman has reacted to this post.
John Freeman

Great, man! Not all people are doing as much introspection and personal development as we do. Also, the people you meet mirror where you currently are in life and who you are.

Kellvo has reacted to this post.
Kellvo

Absolutely man! It can be a lonely road at times when you realize few people actually have ambition, but it is so worth it. I found that the universe will send challenges in the form of people that touch your weak points or are at the edge of what you can do, as well as people on the same path as you - even if they are ahead or further behind. We all got this.

Kellvo: I took your advice Lucio and acquired a copy of Atomic Habits.

Awesome, Kellvo!

I just joined a habit development course myself. It's called Simple Habit. The course creator, Matt D'Avella, has a YouTube channel full of great information on habit development and a podcast where he's interviewed James Clear (author of Atomic Habits) and other behavioral change experts. So, I decided to give him a chance.

So far, it's been really great. He knows how to use the habit loop and how to leverage intrinsic and extrinsic motivation properly.

This is my journal where I complete the course exercises. The exercises help me dig deep on my "why" (to find the intrinsic motivation), brainstorm new ways to adjust my environment to make my cues more obvious, create extrinsic motivators that serve as the "reward" in the habit loop, and so on.

(That one up there specifically is Exercise 1: Real Talk. I was instructed to list all of the reasons why I think my habits failed in the past 🙂

That's my habit tracker, I placed it in a public space where I'm forced to see it every day right below some of my favorite mottos (which I got from WSJ bestselling author and entrepreneur Patrick Bet-David).

Kellvo: It can be a lonely road at times when you realize few people actually have ambition

Definitely know what you mean there. The Simple Habits course creator, Matt D'Avella, created a Slack channel where everyone in the course could connect and exchange ideas. In a community of over 600+ individuals, I was surprised to find that only one person was interested in creating an accountability partner system.

We can't really assume that's due to a lack of ambition, but it would be nice to come across a few more individuals who are driven and open to pushing each other forward like here at TPM.

John: Also, the people you meet mirror where you currently are in life and who you are.

Love this note!

My best to all of you on your personal development journeys 🙂

Lucio Buffalmano and Kellvo have reacted to this post.
Lucio BuffalmanoKellvo

Hey Ali,

quick feedback. I used the daily habit tracker like you and it's powerful. However, I think it's most effective if you leverage key habits (sleep, exercise, water, food, meditation, learning).

Cheers!

Looking cool Ali! The setup is nice and structured, and the affirmations are badass. I took a look at the Simple Habits course and it would be a fine addition to my self-development toolset. I'll get it for Christmas - starting off the New Year with a plan of action and accountability partners is very appealing.

The real talk thing you did sounds very empowering. I'll do it too - I noticed that my passion is both my strength and my weakness. I can be very driven, intense and active, but also impulsive, easily distracted and burn out from going too far. What I need to do is honor these emotions, while channeling them into a more disciplined frame. I can do this by creating a plan of action ahead of time, setting up cues for that, and do the core objective and purpose while leaving some space for spontaneity as well. For example, go to the gym, lift weights until muscle fatigue sets in, while also doing other things I like such as practicing kickboxing or running on the treadmill.

With getting easily distracted, I can change the cue by limiting the amount of stimuli I expose myself to at a time - leaving as few windows open online as possible and clearing my space so I can focus on one thing at a time. Than I can focus on this right now, and I feel good for practicing self-discipline, which helps reinforce this habit.

As for burnout, the answer is to warm up, than go all-out for part of the day, than cool down and give time to rest. Strive to make progress every day while also showing myself that I love myself and I can be patient - Rome wasn't built in a day.

Thanks for the inspiring post, and I wish the best on all of your journeys too! 🙂

Ali Scarlett has reacted to this post.
Ali Scarlett

Rock on, Kellvo.

Yeah, all those "tips" to build habits help, but at the end of the day, there must be a part of struggling that one needs to overcome.
Sometimes, some self-help exaggerates how easily you can turn a negative into a positive.
Waking up with an alarm to go sweat and train is not the easiest thing in the world. Accepting that can actually make it easier, so one doesn't start self-blaming for not exactly turning it into a habit overnight.

Quote from Kellvo on December 1, 2020, 11:51 pm

Until he started throwing some master-slave dynamics around (half jokingly) and putting his country above mine repeatedly. Now I accept there are good and bad things about all countries, but I didn't want to end up in a power-down dynamic either, so I stood my ground and challenged the dynamic on the first, while pointing out that both our countries have good and bad sides on the second. When he backed down, I than switched to saying I value him, it's okay (he got a bit apologetic) and saying I found a lot of good things about his country too. It cumulated with me simply saying that I wanted a mutually beneficial friendship as long as we both gained from it, from which he said that was really mature of me and we been smooth sailing since.

He got into power-struggle very early on :D.

You handled it great.
Instead of taking the bait, you went in with a higher-level philosopher frame -"both our countries have good and bad sides"-.
And then, just to avoid breaking rapport, you built him back up.
Masterclass.

Just as an idea, another option for going higher-level here could have been to refuse his frame outright and set your own.
For example:

You: "Man, I don't know about that. (acknowledges there was a certain frame set, but quickly dispatches his frame-battle attept) But I'm Kellvo, and you're X (changes the frame). I deal with others as individuals. I'm sure there are plenty of assholes in your country (power move), as well as cool people. And you seem like a cool guy. That's what I care about, people, and how they are".

Chances are he'd be backtracking here as well.

But your option was great as well.

Kellvo and Ali Scarlett have reacted to this post.
KellvoAli Scarlett
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Thanks Lucio! Yeah tell me about it man. I know it ain't easy, but it don't need to be either. I quite enjoy the struggle to be honest, pushing my limits and seeing what I can accomplish. Just a bit further each day than yesterday, and take action to make it consistent.

The power game situation was a bit of a ride, yes. 🙂 But I remembered what you taught me, and combined with other experiences I was able to take it less personally, recognize what was going on and make a win/win solution. He did build up some goodwill beforehand though, so I was ready to let it go and keep on making a mutually productive friendship. I like your suggestion, I was still a bit overly confrontational at first and that seems like a more assertive way to do it.

Doing good, and you looking good too. Let's keep going!

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano
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