Kellvo's Journal - Forging a New Purpose After Gaining Power
I agree. Changed and still is changing my life. Foundational. Habits are everything.
I took your advice Lucio and acquired a copy of Atomic Habits. While my impulsive and unstructured approach I learned to live life through makes consciously establishing long-term healthy habits challenging, I know I can do it. I began by experimenting with the cue - for example, I intend to set a habit of going to the gym early in the morning, so I make it easier by including weights, water and fresh clothes by my bed. Than I do small things leading up to it. I've seen some positive effects, and although its rough I am up for it.
It's been a while since I posted here and so I'm gonna go over a few power situations I was in recently. The first was with a new online friend I made. After creating a value-adding review, he sent a friend request to me, I accepted, and we started talking. All was well until he started throwing some master-slave dynamics around (half jokingly) and putting his country above mine repeatedly. Now I accept there are good and bad things about all countries, but I didn't want to end up in a power-down dynamic either, so I stood my ground and challenged the dynamic on the first, while pointing out that both our countries have good and bad sides on the second. When he backed down, I than switched to saying I value him, it's okay (he got a bit apologetic) and saying I found a lot of good things about his country too. It cumulated with me simply saying that I wanted a mutually beneficial friendship as long as we both gained from it, from which he said that was really mature of me and we been smooth sailing since.
Except for one time yesterday when he called me a pussy indirectly. I started to justify myself, than stopped and agreed and amplified that one since it was more of a joking frame, reframing it as me being a big powerful wild tiger and going RAWR! He laughed, I laughed, I showed off a bit of savagery in-game and we all had a good time.
Overall, still a bit on the aggressive side on my part, but I was able to temper it and seek a win/win solution after while showing more social skill. Definitely made progress. He is a genuinely cool guy, much more experienced (age and sexually), and happy-go-lucky and fun, and I provide value in conversation, energy and positivity as well (especially since he's going through a rough time), so its a positive dynamic overall.
Great, man! Not all people are doing as much introspection and personal development as we do. Also, the people you meet mirror where you currently are in life and who you are.
Absolutely man! It can be a lonely road at times when you realize few people actually have ambition, but it is so worth it. I found that the universe will send challenges in the form of people that touch your weak points or are at the edge of what you can do, as well as people on the same path as you - even if they are ahead or further behind. We all got this.
Kellvo: I took your advice Lucio and acquired a copy of Atomic Habits.
Awesome, Kellvo!
I just joined a habit development course myself. It's called Simple Habit. The course creator, Matt D'Avella, has a YouTube channel full of great information on habit development and a podcast where he's interviewed James Clear (author of Atomic Habits) and other behavioral change experts. So, I decided to give him a chance.
So far, it's been really great. He knows how to use the habit loop and how to leverage intrinsic and extrinsic motivation properly.
This is my journal where I complete the course exercises. The exercises help me dig deep on my "why" (to find the intrinsic motivation), brainstorm new ways to adjust my environment to make my cues more obvious, create extrinsic motivators that serve as the "reward" in the habit loop, and so on.
(That one up there specifically is Exercise 1: Real Talk. I was instructed to list all of the reasons why I think my habits failed in the past 🙂
That's my habit tracker, I placed it in a public space where I'm forced to see it every day right below some of my favorite mottos (which I got from WSJ bestselling author and entrepreneur Patrick Bet-David).
Kellvo: It can be a lonely road at times when you realize few people actually have ambition
Definitely know what you mean there. The Simple Habits course creator, Matt D'Avella, created a Slack channel where everyone in the course could connect and exchange ideas. In a community of over 600+ individuals, I was surprised to find that only one person was interested in creating an accountability partner system.
We can't really assume that's due to a lack of ambition, but it would be nice to come across a few more individuals who are driven and open to pushing each other forward like here at TPM.
John: Also, the people you meet mirror where you currently are in life and who you are.
Love this note!
My best to all of you on your personal development journeys 🙂
Hey Ali,
quick feedback. I used the daily habit tracker like you and it's powerful. However, I think it's most effective if you leverage key habits (sleep, exercise, water, food, meditation, learning).
Cheers!
Looking cool Ali! The setup is nice and structured, and the affirmations are badass. I took a look at the Simple Habits course and it would be a fine addition to my self-development toolset. I'll get it for Christmas - starting off the New Year with a plan of action and accountability partners is very appealing.
The real talk thing you did sounds very empowering. I'll do it too - I noticed that my passion is both my strength and my weakness. I can be very driven, intense and active, but also impulsive, easily distracted and burn out from going too far. What I need to do is honor these emotions, while channeling them into a more disciplined frame. I can do this by creating a plan of action ahead of time, setting up cues for that, and do the core objective and purpose while leaving some space for spontaneity as well. For example, go to the gym, lift weights until muscle fatigue sets in, while also doing other things I like such as practicing kickboxing or running on the treadmill.
With getting easily distracted, I can change the cue by limiting the amount of stimuli I expose myself to at a time - leaving as few windows open online as possible and clearing my space so I can focus on one thing at a time. Than I can focus on this right now, and I feel good for practicing self-discipline, which helps reinforce this habit.
As for burnout, the answer is to warm up, than go all-out for part of the day, than cool down and give time to rest. Strive to make progress every day while also showing myself that I love myself and I can be patient - Rome wasn't built in a day.
Thanks for the inspiring post, and I wish the best on all of your journeys too! 🙂
Rock on, Kellvo.
Yeah, all those "tips" to build habits help, but at the end of the day, there must be a part of struggling that one needs to overcome.
Sometimes, some self-help exaggerates how easily you can turn a negative into a positive.
Waking up with an alarm to go sweat and train is not the easiest thing in the world. Accepting that can actually make it easier, so one doesn't start self-blaming for not exactly turning it into a habit overnight.
Quote from Kellvo on December 1, 2020, 11:51 pmUntil he started throwing some master-slave dynamics around (half jokingly) and putting his country above mine repeatedly. Now I accept there are good and bad things about all countries, but I didn't want to end up in a power-down dynamic either, so I stood my ground and challenged the dynamic on the first, while pointing out that both our countries have good and bad sides on the second. When he backed down, I than switched to saying I value him, it's okay (he got a bit apologetic) and saying I found a lot of good things about his country too. It cumulated with me simply saying that I wanted a mutually beneficial friendship as long as we both gained from it, from which he said that was really mature of me and we been smooth sailing since.
He got into power-struggle very early on :D.
You handled it great.
Instead of taking the bait, you went in with a higher-level philosopher frame -"both our countries have good and bad sides"-.
And then, just to avoid breaking rapport, you built him back up.
Masterclass.
Just as an idea, another option for going higher-level here could have been to refuse his frame outright and set your own.
For example:
You: "Man, I don't know about that. (acknowledges there was a certain frame set, but quickly dispatches his frame-battle attept) But I'm Kellvo, and you're X (changes the frame). I deal with others as individuals. I'm sure there are plenty of assholes in your country (power move), as well as cool people. And you seem like a cool guy. That's what I care about, people, and how they are".
Chances are he'd be backtracking here as well.
But your option was great as well.
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Thanks Lucio! Yeah tell me about it man. I know it ain't easy, but it don't need to be either. I quite enjoy the struggle to be honest, pushing my limits and seeing what I can accomplish. Just a bit further each day than yesterday, and take action to make it consistent.
The power game situation was a bit of a ride, yes. 🙂 But I remembered what you taught me, and combined with other experiences I was able to take it less personally, recognize what was going on and make a win/win solution. He did build up some goodwill beforehand though, so I was ready to let it go and keep on making a mutually productive friendship. I like your suggestion, I was still a bit overly confrontational at first and that seems like a more assertive way to do it.
Doing good, and you looking good too. Let's keep going!
It's been a year; there have been many victories and defeats (but mostly the former) in the meantime. And above all, many lessons - and no shortage of power dynamics going on as well. It's in the spirit of mutual learning that I bring up these examples now:
Preemptive Prevention of Envy and Projection of Influence
When a man (women too, but especially men) put in serious work to become a better person, and gain the rewards that come with it, it often draws a lot of fire from other men. In part, this is due to our natural competitive natures; doubly so when survival (including potential reproduction) are involved. Learning the hard lessons from before, I defined an objective - to project high status and value in a way that also actively lifts up those around me. This is for three reasons: to prevent unnecessary conflicts, to build up a network of mutual support and to see the pleasure of building others up in real time.
This has been very successful. In gym, I show that I am ready and willing to work out very hard for a long time, and the progress resulting from that, while also going out of my way to talk to others; I encourage them, show sincere interest in their lives and occasionally ask for their advice. At church, I aim to project a both virtuous (as much as I can - human after all) and powerful presence, moving slowly, firmly and confidently, actively greeting and engaging people. At school, I project calm assertiveness, high ambition and warmth, actively starting conversations where I engage the person and ask about their classes and projects while offering my own.
This goes for nonverbals too - for example, I actively seek to dress up a degree or two higher than normal, both to say I value myself and to stand out from the crowd in an authentic way. I hold posture that is strong and confident, firm and purposeful, expansive and sincerely engaging. I go out of my way to groom well, often going all the way with facial hair and cologne (although I need to remember to brush my teeth more often) because appearance of all kinds matters - especially when you want to make a positive impact on others.
The result has been greatly improved opinion among both men and women. But, amusingly, this came with a side effect of its own...
Fear, Fleeing and Fighting from Women
The situation with women, especially from my church, proved interesting indeed. I've always benefited from a high degree of attraction from women (albeit without the skills to capitalize on it), but this has amplified considerably within this year - for the first time since my comeback, I am able to command attraction around or nearly equal to my best self 5-6 years ago, and with a much healthier (physically and psychologically), more socially competent and higher value Frame overall. I've found a source of immense inner strength, resolve and purposeful drive born from overcoming brutal situations and carving a path out from rock bottom, which enables me to project a high degree of dominance with little thought on my part.
This has created no shortage of responses - both positive and negative. Most women are receptive and friendly to me; I resonate very well with the feminine, inwardly confident and classy, eloquent ones in particular. However, I've often clashed with the 'Alpha Female' types - typically very physically attractive, dominant as well and socially skilled (by persuasion and/or intimidation). I'd face the situation where they were simultaneously clearly very attracted to me and doing one of two things - either actively challenging me or literally fleeing/turning away from me. When they would nonverbally test me (staredowns, projecting hostile and hard presence, prideful/arrogant posture), I would actively remain calm and centered, stare them down back and push my own will into theirs'. When I failed a few times (mostly by unawareness), I would rapidly recover and take decisive vengeance - ignoring them, friendzoning them, flirting with other women around them, engaging other people, targeting their weak points and just in general showing that I honestly do not need them at all.
The results were dramatic - many would literally flee or turn back from me, others bow their heads or reflexively look away when I made eye contact, some miss events for a time when they knew I would be there. Others would remain down for a while and then try again. At the same time, I saw no shortage of attraction, arousal and even deep attachment (often lasting for a long time), and certainly gained respect as someone not to be fucked with. The more resilient and positive women in general know to treat me better after, and I treat them well, being friendly but with a certain distance. I am glad to deliver value once more on my terms then - but those foolish enough to cross me will see just how dark I can go. I don't start conflicts, but I WILL ruthlessly and decisively end them in my favor - Law of the Jungle, baby.
Powerful and Positive Relationship with Oneself
This last one is, admittedly, still a work in progress. But working with my Dark Side - its raw savage aggression, ferocious sexuality, passionate love, animalistic instincts and relentless fiery drive - has gone a LONG way. Standing my ground when it tried to ruin my life and beating it into the ground until it submitted, I then honestly put in the work to work with it. Craving freedom above all, we worked out HARD in the gym, building new bonds and overcoming our would-be shacklers. I also applied this to other mentally-ill, self-sabotaging and plain evil thoughts - brutally beating them down, blowing them up, burning them - slaying personal demons one by one. Above all, I brought this to a greater service - towards others, towards a higher Sacred Purpose and above all to God.
This has also led to greater psychological integration overall - accepting my childlike origins and giving that space too while staying on the journey to grow into the best man I know I am. It has led to far greater coherence, grace and strength of thought, word and deed. And re-embracing my 'dark side' (really simply me too) has gone a long way towards creating greater vitality, drive and passion for life. At the same time, it benefits too; I do my best to make sure aggression is focused and proportional, focused on a larger goal, that my sexuality is clearly aimed to fuel my goals and towards a single worthy woman in time and that I listen to my raw instincts as much as my clear logic too.
Now what is the next step? Combining my primal drives with higher purpose, aggression with social precision and sexuality with commitment to a higher Purpose, actively learn and expand my social skills in all ways - including Power Dynamics - so that I can be an effective high-value leader who serves others from a place of strength and makes the world a better place. To continue on the trail of relentless personal development while also loving myself and embracing life here and now. And above all to love and honor God while also fully recognizing the reality of this world and working within that for a higher purpose.
These next few months are poised to be very interesting indeed. And as always, I am up to the challenge.