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Lucio's journal

#121 · August 30, 2021, 2:06 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 30, 2021, 1:49 pm

Him: (touches shirt)

Response: I see you like to touch my shirt.

But maybe homosexuality may make people uncomfortable in that culture.

To say that, I should have interrupted the more serious conversation on preparing for the interview.

It would be the equivalent of interrupting business talk with non-business talk.

And how would you respond if he said:

No I don't, you had a bug on your shirt

Then you look overly protective.

Or socially maladjusted.

It was a covert power move.
Dominance, covered with kindness / help.

Covert power moves sometimes call for covert countermoves, lest you look over-reactive or overly aggressive.

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#122 · August 30, 2021, 2:40 pm

Oh I see, this was during the interview itself with lots of people are around.
I misunderstood the situation to be 1-to-1.
But even then, I can see how one must take care not to overreact.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 30, 2021, 2:06 pm

And how would you respond if he said:

No I don't, you had a bug on your shirt

Then you look overly protective.

Or socially maladjusted.

It was a covert power move.
Dominance, covered with kindness / help.

Covert power moves sometimes call for covert countermoves, lest you look over-reactive or overly aggressive.

I'm thinking that he's going on the defensive by saying

Him: No I don't, you had a bug on your shirt

so I can return a covert power move

Me: Good
(or)
Me: Keep up the good work

or refute his frame further by saying

Me: There was no bug

But maybe I'm misunderstanding the dynamics of the situation.
I can shift this to a new thread or whatever is most convenient.

#123 · September 13, 2021, 2:18 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 13, 2021, 2:18 pm
The Power of Saying "I'm Sorry" (When You Did Something Wrong)

In PU we talk about the power dynamics of apologizing and saying "I'm sorry".

As for almost everything, the solution is not to "never" say it (as much as it's not, obviously, to always say it).

But it's contextual.
And if you really behaved stupid or harmed someone, then "I'm sorry" is due. And not saying it often sub-communicates poor character.

This time I yelled at my father.
The cause of the outburst was important to me, but still not an excuse.

It's funny how I can let go and avoid much emotional involvement with almost anyone.
But much less so with my family.

I remember an ex-girlfriend of mine also said that she didn't care what people said, even about topics she cared about... Unless it was me. I thought that she struggled with individuation and with seeing her partner as a separate person.
And probably I was right.

Yet, it is also something I need to improve on.
For example, I can accept and shrug at other people's mistakes or "weaknesses". But when it comes from my family, it's almost as if I demand them to shape up and improve.
People who say or do something stupid, "it's normal". If it's my family, it's embarrassing, and they should correct it.

Anyway, long story short, initially I had avoided any major outburst.
Then I thought "OK, I'm going to go up and work out on this anger, use it positively".
That wasn't such a great idea though.
I was steweing, and with the workout, I only got more aggressive. And ended up yelling.

Let it out of the system, and then I napped on it.
And then, I knew what I had to do.

It wasn't the easiest thing. But I kept repeating to myself "just say it, just say it". Then once you start talking, everything gets easier.
I wasn't proud of yelling -my lowlight of the week-. But I was proud of turning it around within a few hours.
Just a few years ago it would have taken me far longer. And I may have never addressed it directly.

The Power of Saying "I'm Sorry" (When You Did Something Wrong)

In PU we talk about the power dynamics of apologizing and saying "I'm sorry".

As for almost everything, the solution is not to "never" say it (as much as it's not, obviously, to always say it).

But it's contextual.
And if you really behaved stupid or harmed someone, then "I'm sorry" is due. And not saying it often sub-communicates poor character.

This time I yelled at my father.
The cause of the outburst was important to me, but still not an excuse.

It's funny how I can let go and avoid much emotional involvement with almost anyone.
But much less so with my family.

I remember an ex-girlfriend of mine also said that she didn't care what people said, even about topics she cared about... Unless it was me. I thought that she struggled with individuation and with seeing her partner as a separate person.
And probably I was right.

Yet, it is also something I need to improve on.
For example, I can accept and shrug at other people's mistakes or "weaknesses". But when it comes from my family, it's almost as if I demand them to shape up and improve.
People who say or do something stupid, "it's normal". If it's my family, it's embarrassing, and they should correct it.

Anyway, long story short, initially I had avoided any major outburst.
Then I thought "OK, I'm going to go up and work out on this anger, use it positively".
That wasn't such a great idea though.
I was steweing, and with the workout, I only got more aggressive. And ended up yelling.

Let it out of the system, and then I napped on it.
And then, I knew what I had to do.

It wasn't the easiest thing. But I kept repeating to myself "just say it, just say it". Then once you start talking, everything gets easier.
I wasn't proud of yelling -my lowlight of the week-. But I was proud of turning it around within a few hours.
Just a few years ago it would have taken me far longer. And I may have never addressed it directly.

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#124 · September 13, 2021, 3:49 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on September 13, 2021, 3:49 pm
Thanks for sharing this.
It must have indeed been difficult.

I think family is challenging because one is born into a family without choice.
So sometimes one is forced to build a relationship with people with very different values.

Usually, one would naturally not spend so much time or get too emotionally involved with people of different values.
Even those of close proximity like coworkers, bosses, etc.
With family, there seems to be an expectation to be emotionally close, supportive, etc.

Also, I think it's fair to expect one's father to be a role model in some sense.
He's the one that passed down 50% of your genes to you.
Though I'm unsure about the science of kinship.

It's funny how I can let go and avoid much emotional involvement with almost anyone.
But much less so with my family.

I remember an ex-girlfriend of mine also said that she didn't care what people said, even about topics she cared about... Unless it was me. I thought that she struggled with individuation and with seeing her partner as a separate person.
And probably I was right.

I think it's possible to care deeply in a detached manner.
There's a feeling of strength and peace.

For example, when I am out of balance, I become either

Apathetic (not caring)

Caring a lot but agitated (not at peace)

In either state, I don't deal with the situation well.
When I care a lot and feel at peace, I have the best conversations, am the most creative, and get the most things done.

I think it's better to care and be agitated and, as a result, "lose it" from time to time than to stonewall upon problems or pretend there are no problems.
Things are dealt with even though not in the most effective manner.

Personally, I have been quite distant from my family (a bit apathetic).
Because other pursuits seem more fulfilling to me.
Something for me to ponder about too.

On a slightly unrelated topic, I have wondered on several occasions why we don't talk much about parenting on this website.
Probably I should open a new topic for that.

Thanks for sharing this.
It must have indeed been difficult.

I think family is challenging because one is born into a family without choice.
So sometimes one is forced to build a relationship with people with very different values.

Usually, one would naturally not spend so much time or get too emotionally involved with people of different values.
Even those of close proximity like coworkers, bosses, etc.
With family, there seems to be an expectation to be emotionally close, supportive, etc.

Also, I think it's fair to expect one's father to be a role model in some sense.
He's the one that passed down 50% of your genes to you.
Though I'm unsure about the science of kinship.

It's funny how I can let go and avoid much emotional involvement with almost anyone.
But much less so with my family.

I remember an ex-girlfriend of mine also said that she didn't care what people said, even about topics she cared about... Unless it was me. I thought that she struggled with individuation and with seeing her partner as a separate person.
And probably I was right.

I think it's possible to care deeply in a detached manner.
There's a feeling of strength and peace.

For example, when I am out of balance, I become either

Apathetic (not caring)
Caring a lot but agitated (not at peace)

In either state, I don't deal with the situation well.
When I care a lot and feel at peace, I have the best conversations, am the most creative, and get the most things done.

I think it's better to care and be agitated and, as a result, "lose it" from time to time than to stonewall upon problems or pretend there are no problems.
Things are dealt with even though not in the most effective manner.

Personally, I have been quite distant from my family (a bit apathetic).
Because other pursuits seem more fulfilling to me.
Something for me to ponder about too.

On a slightly unrelated topic, I have wondered on several occasions why we don't talk much about parenting on this website.
Probably I should open a new topic for that.

Lucio Buffalmano and Mist1102 have reacted to this post.

#125 · September 13, 2021, 5:36 pm

Thank you for the note Matthew, it's helpful.

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#126 · September 16, 2021, 3:19 pm

Quote from John Freeman on February 10, 2021, 6:49 pm

Have you ever considered therapy? Regarding this topic, this is what helped me the most. Along with books and life experience, but therapy was the most helpful, by far.

A posthumous thank you to John.

I've done a couple of sessions of therapy and it was very helpful indeed.

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#127 · September 16, 2021, 8:23 pm

Therapy is quite a wide field. And a lot are what I d call SJWs these days. If you wouldnt mind sharing, without getting into the issue you were working on how did you choose a therapist and what was their approach?

#128 · September 17, 2021, 6:02 am

Thanks for sharing Lucio!
Glad that you have found a solid therapist to work with.

I have had mixed personal experiences with therapists so far.
Could be a case of being fooled by randomness.

My personal experiences below are in chronological order.

I visited a psychiatrist when I was a child for anxiety issues.
He prescribed medication but didn't really bother even talking through the issue.
I didn't take the medication.

Then, when I was older (can't remember when, 20 I think), I saw one for insomnia because the therapist listed that on the website.
And I realised it could be my circadian rhythm.
Exercise + meditation solved the issue.
Cold showers work well too for some reason.

On another occasion, I visited a hypnotherapist for my fear of falling.
He provided a hypnosis recording afterwards.
Relaxation phase + putting the fear into perspective
That one I found particularly useful.

The most recent one was okay.
But I didn't like that he used a power move at the end.
The great thing about learning power dynamics is that you can be vulnerable and power-aware at the same time.

So far, I have gained more from meditation practice.
The hypnotherapist for my fear of falling was the exception though.
But it's just a personal experience.

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#129 · September 17, 2021, 11:20 am

Quote from Transitioned on September 16, 2021, 8:23 pm

Therapy is quite a wide field. And a lot are what I d call SJWs these days. If you wouldnt mind sharing, without getting into the issue you were working on how did you choose a therapist and what was their approach?

Hey Kevin,

Yeah, that's probably true.
There are many SJW in general, and the profession also tends to attract more of them.

I replied here.

Nothing crazy in there, but I preferred the private section of the forum.

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#130 · September 17, 2021, 11:25 am

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on September 17, 2021, 6:02 am

The most recent one was okay.
But I didn't like that he used a power move at the end.
The great thing about learning power dynamics is that you can be vulnerable and power-aware at the same time.

So far, I have gained more from meditation practice.
The hypnotherapist for my fear of falling was the exception though.
But it's just a personal experience.

Thank you for sharing, Matthew.

And yes indeed, that's a great, great point.

Being open and vulnerable, but not in a position to be victimized.
A client-therapist without power awareness might be one of the riskiest relationships to enter into.

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